"Everything I do, I do for you"

Awww, how romantic: "everything I do, I do for you."

NOT!!

How unromantic.  How crippling! How co-dependent!

These days, I have very negative reactions to statements such as these.  Why does our culture (societal) promote such co-dependence in romantic relationships?  Why do we romanticize losing yourself in a relationship and possibly foregoing our own goals so that our only focus is on the other person?

I am resentful of these kinds of "romantic" messages because I fall for them.  I subscribe to them. And I am a loyal believer in them. I've been a romantic since I was a kid! And I continue to adopt this way of thinking even though I'm trying to tell myself "I should know better..."

As I prepare for interviews these days, the reality sinks in that I may be moving back to my hometown for my next year of my training.  And while that is exciting on one hand (because my family is there), it is heartbreakingly depressing because I always envisioned myself back there with my first love.  I always envisioned returning to be a reunion for us.  I hadn't expected to go back and be... alone. I suppose if I were dating someone else, I wouldn't be feeling alone.  On the other hand, I suspect that even if I were with anyone else, I would still feel a twinge of nostalgia and sadness that it's not him I'm with. When I'm home, I can't understand why we're not together.  But when I'm on my own, away from my hometown, I do pretty well for myself.  It's like I'm a different person.

How can I explain it? There's something about being far away that makes our breakup acceptable. Yet when I'm home for the holidays, not being together feels... wrong.  It feels unnatural. So when I go home for the holidays, I get anxious, distressed, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive, and unable to understand why we are not together.

"Everything I do, I do for you." Years ago, I thought that the only reason I'd move back home was to be with Robert.  But I guess I'm doing it for me now.  I guess I'm doing it for my family too.  I don't know.  It still feels unnatural and I have to remind myself not to purposely mess up because I'm so terrified of being back there alone and without him.