Diamond shopping

As the semester is winding down, I decided to pamper myself by going window-shopping this afternoon and even picking up some fun things I've wanted for myself. I was thinking of getting some candles and a few shirts, and maybe a few other small things.  As I entered the mall, however, I found myself walking towards a jewelry store.  I was even more surprised at myself when I said stopped to look at some earrings and found myself saying aloud to a sales clerk that I'm thinking of treating myself.  What?!   Was I really planning on doing that this trip? What am I doing?!

In the end, I didn't buy anything for myself.  I couldn't justify a reason for blowing my rent money on a pair of diamond earrings that I never even imagined purchasing in the first place.  But this jewelry thing does have meaning for me.  Never in my life have I ever wanted or asked for jewelry.  I'm simply not that interested in baubles, and the only thing I ever envisioned is a wedding ring from the man of my dreams.  Other than that single essential and meaningful item, I don't desire anything else.  I'm content with cubic zirconian earrings and I generally dislike necklaces and bracelets and any other rings. For me, it's been the engagement ring and the meaning behind that one piece of item from that one special person.

But a few months ago, I remember thinking about jewelry as a form of self-empowerment. Around the time that I started this blog, I remember wanting to buy myself something.  I thought to myself, why wait for someone to buy things for me?  Why is it that when I think of jewelry, I generally think of getting from a man.  Why is it that my happiness depends on a man? Why am I so passive that I can't be self-sufficient and rely on myself and celebrate myself?  So, about 6 months ago, I promised to buy myself something that I would normally want a romantic partner to buy me.  I probably gave up all hope on B. and was ready to be with me and only me.  I was preparing myself for loneliness and forced independence and wanting to make it strength-based and meaningful.  Of course, I would never buy myself an engagement ring... but I can myself the next best thing!  I decided then that someday, I would buy myself a nice bauble to celebrate me!  I would choose some piece of jewelry to honor my relationship with me.

I mean, think about it! Regardless of how long my husband and I are together, I will never be in a relationship with him that is longer than my relationship with me.  I am with myself the longest.  So why don't I celebrate that relationship with me?  Why not have anniversaries or some other form of commemoration for me and with me?

In theory, it sounds so empowering and so exciting.  But as I looked at diamond after diamond, it got to be too overwhelming and surreal.  I got exasperated looking at so many small things with so many big numbers attached to them. In truth, I'd much rather enjoy a nice meal that I can experience-- sensually!  So, I left my contact information and left the store. Perhaps I'll go back in a few months.  Perhaps a few years.  Who knows. I still want to celebrate me, but... I don't know if I'm ready for diamonds yet.