Hiding my needs

I went to a conference last week and had an impromptu reunion with friends.  We had deep discussions about relationships and I realized how much I continue to hold back parts of myself from my partner.

Take eating, for example.  For the last 2 years or so, I have mostly been eating a non-gluten, low carb diet. It has been called paleo, given it is mostly "cavemen" foods, such as meat, berries, leafy green vegetables, and some fruits. With consistent exercise and a balanced diet, I've lost some weight and gained muscle.  I've been in the best shape of my life and felt leaner, more energized, motivated, and confident.  But enter the dating scene and all of my self-care has gone out the window.

Especially since Jay, I've had zero self-control in my eating habits. In fact, I've been stuffing my face with no restraint.

A little bit about Jay and what he likes: Jay loves eating pizza, especifically thin-crust pepperoni. His comfort food is cheeseburger from fast-food place. Other favorites include biscuits with gravy and fried chicken. With most meals, he generally orders a diet coke. At times, we drive to gas stations where he'll pick up a sports drink and a bar of chocolate (usually a Butterfinger). He has a sweet tooth for all things sugar-y, including sour candies and most definitely chocolates.

Since being with him, I've gained 10 pounds. That means my clothes feel tight, my energy level is low, my body feels out-of-whack, and I generally feel down about physical presentation.

Now, Jay doesn't force me to eat the way he does. But when we talk about options for dining, his preferences are generally his options for me.  In turn, I feel stuck, so I say "whatever you want" and I usually end up eating terribly unhealthy and feeling miserable in my body. He has no idea, of course.

It's my fault for not speaking up. At 11pm the other night, he suggested getting biscuits and gravy from a fast-food drive-through.  I freaked-out in my head because all I wanted an egg so that I could fill-up on lean protein before going to bed. But for fear of disappointing him, I consented to his decision. So, at 1130pm, we ate biscuits, gravy, jam/jelly, and soda. I probably put on 5 pounds just from that meal.

My friend pointed out to me that I can easily have said no and offered to make myself an egg even if he wanted to go to a drive-through. It's OK to have different eating habits, she said, and to assert my needs.

Assert them?
That was when I realized that I don't even voice them!

I hide my voice for fear of what he thinks about the real me!