Counting down

In less than 24 hours, I will know where my future holds!
Strangely enough, I am not anxious or nervous or freaked out... anymore. Yesterday, however, was a different story.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a nightmare about finding out my placement.  I dreamt that I got my first pick, but that I found out in a crowded university classroom (some sort of 101 class) with tons of students surrounding me, including my intern applicant cohort.  We filed into a classroom large enough to seat 300 and projected onto the wall, were the results of our placement.

In my dream, I was in immediate shock.  I read my name listed next to the #1 position and I was not sure if it was actually my name. As I walked to my seat in the crowded classroom, in a single file line, I found myself finally stopping, looking up, and being surrounded by people's voices, opinions, and emotions.  I didn't have time yet to figure out how I was feeling, but already, my cohort was asking me how I felt. On one side, they asked why I didn't look ecstatic.  On the other side, they asked if I was sad not to be placed in other sites.  My head swiveled back and forth to whoever was talking to me, all the while, I was frantic inside, not knowing how to present myself.

Should I look happy? Do I have a right to be sad? Especially because one of my good friends and cohort member also ranked the same place as #1, would it be completely disrespectful if I was anything less than over-the-moon?

I remember fighting back feelings of happiness and tears of joy at the same time.  I didn't know how to feel, but I felt pressured to fake some sort of overt expression to please the people around me.  It was a terrible feeling, a feeling of being stuck and incongruent, and I didn't know what to do. Then I woke up.

If I were to analyze my dream, it seems crystal clear to me, that my anxieties and fears are completely played out in this short scenario/dream/nightmare. I am so anxious of where I will be placed.  I do not know if I necessarily want to be at my #1 ranked place.  I still go back-and-forth wondering about my #2 site and questioning whether I should have ranked that as #1.  I feel uncomfortable knowing that when our results come out, my friend and I may face the uncomfortable reality of one of us being there, while the other is not.  What's the socially appropriate thing to do then?  The other major anxiety-factor is the night of festivities happening tomorrow night.  As it is, we have planned a dinner party with a bunch of people to celebrate "Match Day".  We are planning to eat at a very nice restaurant downtown, and then to head over to a bar/club that our friend/colleague owns, and to party it up for the remainder of the night.  Because the invitation is quite open, we are anticipating some 30+ People to come for the drinking and celebration after dinner. Some are friends, some are colleagues, some are friends and colleagues, and some are acquaintances from other interns who are applying.  Regardless of who is coming, the point is that so many people are coming and there is such a large audience to answer to.  What happens if I don't match, altogether?  I will have to explain that to some 30+ people.  And even if I match somewhere, how do I respond in-the-moment to some 30+ when I actually need time to process it myself first?  And because it's such a huge crowd, I'll have to repeat things over and over and over-- especially the bad news, should there be bad news.  For example, I may have to say 30 times that I didn't match, and then comfort them about the situation because it will surely be awkward and uncomfortable for them to hear as well.  Thinking about the possibility of this scenario exhausts me, and intensifies my anxiety ten-fold!

As I am writing, I also realize how much I worry about taking care of others!  I'm worried about maybe matching to my #1 site while my friend/colleague doesn't.  How will he feel then? What should I do then? How might I offer words of comfor then?

I am worried about not matching and having to explain to others and helping them understand the reality (as opposed to wondering how I will feel instead)!

I am concerned about how others will feel about internship and how others will judge me pending my match outcome. What will they think?

So, that's the analysis of my dream, and the open disclosure about all my anxieties, insecurities, fears, and burdens.

Hmm. I had been feeling perfectly optimistic at the beginning of this entry-- before I decided to talk about my dream!  Time to stop analyzing my dream!