Tests of trust

Sometimes, I test Jay.

I have tested every romantic partner I've ever had. And I'm pretty sure others do it, too.

What do these tests look like?

For me, they're mostly little self-disclosures rooted in vulnerability.
I say things to see if they'll warrant a reaction out of him.

The first time I cursed, I watched him to see how he would react.
Did his mouth twitch? 
Did his forehead wrinkle?
Did his lips part a little in shock?

Even if those reactions only happen within split-seconds, I can always catch them-- because I am waiting and watching for them.

Last night, I confessed to Jay how much I hate working-out. He is a work-out king and leads people twice-a-day to the gym. I couldn't see his expression over the phone, but I waited for his responses and my heart hung in the air.
Is he going to judge me? 
Is he already judging me? 
Will he still like me after this?


That's the main test, I suppose. With every disclosure I share, I'm implicitly asking him:
Now do you still want me? How about now? And even after this?

Wow. I hadn't even known that my intention until I wrote this out. When I've reflected on it, I've always assumed I was testing him rebelliously so that I can convey to him: I can't be tamed!

How untrue that is.  What I'm really asking for is: will you still stick around, knowing that I have all of these flaws, fears, weaknesses?

Spiritual connection

Exercising has been my new form of therapy.  Wow, I never thought I would say that. And I also used to roll my eyes at those who would say anything remotely close to what I just wrote.  In fact, when I first started graduate school, we were asked about how we managed stress to take care of ourselves.  As we went around the room to ask about each person's strategies, I found myself shell-shocked at each person's response.  Almost all of them talked about some form of physical exercise, whether it's going running, swimming, taking a walk, or just some form of outdoor body-movement activity.  In my head, I rolled my eyes and scoffed, because I thought, "Yeah right! When you are absolutely stressed from a day of work, you're going to drag yourself home to lace up your sneakers to torture your body? Puh-lease. Stop lying."  Honestly, I couldn't believe how healthy those answers sounded.  The responses almost seemed fake and such a facade of goody-two-shoes. My answer was something like, "Watch copious amounts of TV, hang out with friends, and eat comfort foods/junk foods."

Well, well, well. It's now been 6 years later and how the tides have turned.  The people I used to scoff at are now... me.  Myself.  When people ask me about self-care, I will now probably say working out, taking walks with my dog, cooking, and of course, I would retain my earliest response of hanging out with friends and watching TV.  I would also add taking bubble baths because that is absolutely one of the most relaxing things I ever do for myself.

But anyways, going back to working out... My journeys to the gym are now spiritual.  I have recently felt that working out is now my new form of therapy.  3 times a week, I get up and have a specific destination to go to.  It is my motivation, it is my outcome, but it is also a process that I surprisingly enjoy.  When I am working out, I am very present, very grounded, and very focused on how I feel in the moment.  I am aware of my body, I am in-tune with my heartbeat, and I am letting out all the toxins in my body through my sweat (and maybe even tears when it gets hard! haha).  I enjoy that one hour of pushing myself to the max because it's really just 1 hour!  And no matter how fast time flies, that 1 hour of working out always feels much longer because it's so intensive and I so want it to go by faster). Throughout my life, I've always felt like working out was the slowest way to pass time.  It makes me feel like time isn't flying by, and that it actually can stretch out and seem like forever...

For me, working out isn't necessarily just those moments when I'm pushing my body, either.  On the days that I do not work out, I feel really good because my body is sore.  I feel very connected to the muscles in my body, and very aware that a) I have them and b) they are being stretched.  It's a great feeling to be sore.  I feel incredibly productive and achieved! I enjoy those days even more because I don't have to work out and because I am so grateful for the rest days.  As I let my body recuperate, I also envision my body getting leaner, my muscles getting stronger, and I find myself standing taller and actually feeling healthier.

The other benefit to my newfound body-awareness is my eating habits.  I am trying to be more aware of being hungry/full.  My physiological awareness is matched to my sense of being sore and being sensitive to feeling parts of my body that I wasn't aware of before.  For example, my rib area was sore this week even though I didn't even know I had muscles there!  Discovering these new parts of my body has been empowering.  It's a constant reminder that there is more to myself than I know.  It is also a reminder to listen to my body and let myself feel rather than just think. 

In all these ways, being connected to my body has been ever-so-spiritual.

It is my new and wonderful form of therapy.

What works for me?

I am 1 week away from eating Paleo all month.

I see these blogs and bloggers write about substantial changes that I can’t relate to and don’t see for myself. 

That’s been quite disheartening for me. 

Unlike all them, I didn’t do pre- and post- measurements. I don’t know what my body fat composition was before. I also don’t know what it is now. And unlike them, I don’t feel like my body is going through any evident, dramatic change.  But then again, I didn’t have any physiological problems to begin with.  I don’t have gastrointestinal problems, food allergies, insomnia, or any dry skin issues. Hmm… although my skin has been dry lately.  Still, I had no major health issues before; therefore, I am not experiencing any significant improvement/change now! Oh, and another difference between me and other people is my exercise level!  I went from no exercise to excercising 3 days a week!  How come I'm not having dramatic changes when they were exercising before, during, and after their Paleo conversions? I'm not losing 15 lbs, I'm not clearing up in my skin (OK I've never had acne), my joint pains aren't relieved (they've never been stiff), and I'm not sleeping any better either (I sleep the same, perhaps more poorly since I have to wake up early to go to the gym!).

For all these reasons, I wonder if Paleo is right for me. I question if I want to continue Paleo as a lifestyle change as opposed to a 30-day challenge. Do I need it?  I mean, do I really need it to improve my quality of life? I mean, why adopt this into my life permanently if I sense no substantial change? Why eat so healthily ALL THE TIME  when it’s so much easier to satiate my urges with delicious, immediately-satisfying processed foods? 

Because next Friday is my 30 day end-date (and also Mr. Z’s bday), I will be eating cake.  I will be consuming delicious cake (preferably ice cream cake). I also plan to indulge in some sort of cheesy pizza. At some point over the weekend (perhaps?), I will want hot broth with noodles. I envision having some Vietnamese rice noodles and eating the meat with some of the brown processed hoisin sauce. A good friend of mine has also offered to bake me one of her trademark desserts: pumpkin cheese cake rolls! Those are some of the cravings I fully intend to satiate.

Will I get back to Paleo afterwards?

...Maybe.

 I’m curious if I’ll feel sick after I eat all that processed stuff.  So many people have written about “cheating” on Paleo and feeling disgusting afterwards.  I wonder if I will. I wonder if my body will actually sense the difference? A big part of me really hopes I will. It would be exciting to feel sick afterwards because it will mean that my body actually responded to the changes!

Realistically speaking, I probably will maintain Paleo in a non-strict way (probably inside the home). I will try to cook Paleo, shop Paleo, and bake Paleo as well.  I will be more aware of processed foods, of chemicals and acids in the nutrition labels.  But I don’t know if I’ll say no to processed food ALL THE TIME. I am a foodie. I want to eat what I feel like when I’m out at restaurants or at friends’ houses.  I want to travel for the purpose of eating strange, exotic, special recipes! And if they're not Paleo, then sorry, I don't freakin' care. But I’ll definitely be more aware of what I’m eating and the contents of each item. In fact, I will compensate at home by eating simply, eating raw foods, and eating Paleo! And who knows? I can see myself doing strict Paleo every now and then as a form of detox! – Another 30 day challenge in a few months, perhaps?

Noting my good morning

A quick update on my morning so far!

I got up quite early to make it to my 7:15am training session with my crossfit instructor. I grabbed a couple bites of almonds and apple on the way out and the spent the hour huffing and puffing, trying to do presses and squats and abmats—trust me, these terminologies feel unfamiliar and intimidating for me. 

When I got home around 9am, I took Mr. Z. for a walk and then grilled up a porkchop for myself on a bed of red cabbage and tomatoes. I should have taken a picture because my breakfast was delicious and colorful! Having made my very own homemade mayonnaise the other day – also known as “paleo mayo”—I felt incredibly productive and creative in my meal of art!  I video-chatted with my mom while preparing my breakfast and she just about drooled before climbing into bed (she’s on the opposite side of the world right now)!

I’m celebrating this little success today because I feel good, albeit tired.  I feel productive, energized, inspired, and hopeful.  In contrast, when I went to bed last night, I felt anxious, alert, nauseous, and hyperactive. Not a good combination for bedtime.

My stress (and anxiety) is at an all-time high as I think about the news coming on Friday morning.  At approximately 8am this Friday, I’ll hear back about my internship to know where I have “matched”.  I’ll know if/where I’m going for the next year. The upcoming future will no longer be an ambiguous cloud of “I could be anywhere”. As I’ve been waiting, I can only sit on my hands and feel like I’m walking on pins and needles, simultaneously.  The wait game makes me uncomfortable.  And my alternative/coping is to work on something else, like… dissertation-- which is even more uncomfortable because I’d rather avoid that altogether.

Hence, the working out, the eating healthy, the sleeping early lifestyle.  This is my best coping mechanism so far! 

Working out

I have been working out routinely for the past 3 weeks! Going to the gym, taking bootcamp courses, hiring a private instructor... this is all new for me!  In the past, I have hated working out.  I have avoided it at all costs, and I have had very very good reasons to!  My congenital health issues have made it hard to work out.  But having undergone surgery 10 years ago, I've since been able to do anything others can do.  I just... don't know how to do them.  Don't know how to use muscles that I haven't used before!

My decision to work out this time-- very proactively might I add -- is because I want to improve my relationship with myself.  I want to invest time, energy, resources, and hope in myself.  For so long, I've neglected myself, including what makes my body feel good, and what makes me feel good and healthy.  I am seeking out exercise for this reason, and this reason only.

What a stark contrast that is to my past goals!  Before, if/when I ever worked out, it would be for unrealistic goals of looking like a pageant queen in 4 weeks.  I worked out so that I could be skinnier, less chubby, more pretty, more attractive.  I motivated myself by thinking of the gym as a place of punishment: you are fat, you must burn it off.  I was extreme in my behaviors, and even worse, I placed unrealistic expectations toward the final outcome.  After 1 workout, I would want to see results.  I would expect to lose weight, or feel like my clothes are looser, or I would hope others would comment on me being smaller.  None of that happened by the way.  I would also be very restrictive in my eating, and eventually, when I didn't see results, I would give it all up and start binge-eating!  I'd eat everything I want without any control. Now that's extreme.

Which is why this time around, my whole workout journey/adventure is completely different. This time, I'm working out to reward myself, to focus on myself, to pay attention to my own needs (rather than someone else's).  I am carving time out of my schedule for me.  I am also making meals specifically for me. I don't have to compromise, sacrifice, or build up any resentment because of someone else.  I can eat what I want, work out when I want, and sleep whenever I want. It's absolutely wonderful and already, I feel health(ier), happ(ier), more hope-filled and more at peace than I have ever felt before.

My feelings of content are so strong these days.  It is probably because my lifestyle is SO different from when I was with B.  I no longer have to sleep very late because of him and his irregular sleep cycle. I also don't have to binge-eat large meals and then skip meals because he has strange eating habits that I can surely describe as disordered eating.  The content of my meals are also healthier! I can eat garlic, I can make things with tomatoes (which he hated), I can cut down on carbs and just eat protein (he wants rice with his meals when we make curry), and I can also decide what I want to do and when I want to do it without him being whiny, judgmental, or condescending.  That's been a very liberating change.  In the past, if I were to do fun things without him, B. would punish me afterwards by being mean, emotionally unpredictable, and even at times being purposefully provoking.  I distinctly remember when I left town to visit family during Winter Vacation last year.  I had spent a lot of time preparing for our family yard sale, and when I told him all about it, he had said, "Work? You work? You don't work, you're lazy."  We had a humongous fight over his insulting words, and he later confessed that he was upset that I was having fun with family while he was alone and doing his work.  Can you imagine anyone else more selfish? Keep in mind that when I left town, I invited him home with me and he chose not to come.  Furthermore, when I asked if he would miss me (because of course I would miss him), he said "No, I'll be too busy working because I have so much to get done."

Yeaaaaah OK. You're busy. You work hard. And everyone else bum around and do nothing. Enjoy your fantasy world and continue to torture yourself while we live happy, well-balanced lives.

In retrospect, I am soo happy to be single. I am so happy to be OUT of that relationship with B., and OUT of the dysfunction that he creates for himself.  GOOD RIDDANCE TO HIM and GOOD RIDDANCE to all his baggage as well. Yesterday was Valentine's day, and I can honestly say that it was one of the best days ever because I was very aware of how happy and content I felt being on my own and feeling liberated, empowered, and striving to be even more healthy and peaceful.

I'm continuing my goals to work on me and to improve my relationship with myself! Go, me!