I have tested every romantic partner I've ever had. And I'm pretty sure others do it, too.
What do these tests look like?
For me, they're mostly little self-disclosures rooted in vulnerability.
I say things to see if they'll warrant a reaction out of him.
The first time I cursed, I watched him to see how he would react.
Did his mouth twitch?
Did his forehead wrinkle?
Did his lips part a little in shock?
Even if those reactions only happen within split-seconds, I can always catch them-- because I am waiting and watching for them.
Last night, I confessed to Jay how much I hate working-out. He is a work-out king and leads people twice-a-day to the gym. I couldn't see his expression over the phone, but I waited for his responses and my heart hung in the air.
Is he going to judge me?
Is he already judging me?
Will he still like me after this?
That's the main test, I suppose. With every disclosure I share, I'm implicitly asking him:
Now do you still want me? How about now? And even after this?
Wow. I hadn't even known that my intention until I wrote this out. When I've reflected on it, I've always assumed I was testing him rebelliously so that I can convey to him: I can't be tamed!
How untrue that is. What I'm really asking for is: will you still stick around, knowing that I have all of these flaws, fears, weaknesses?
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