Post-Valentine's blues

The days and week following Valentine's celebration feels like a hang-over, meaning I am hung-over, this is anticlimactic. There's a feeling of plateau-ing and simultaneous anxiety.

For me, there's always a degree of anxiety.

Jay is a graduate student, meaning his status in any location is temporary.
He had a huge meeting today where he finalized his dissertation defense date to be the last week of June. JUNE. The month that is  3.5 months from now.

Anxiety courses through me like you cannot believe.
He is leaving after June... to go somewhere. He is leaving me in June to go elsewhere. I'm frantic inside, but I do not show it.

Over the weekend, 2 of my friends separately asked about his post-graduation plans. I walked away as soon as that conversation started. I so-desperately-wanted-to-know and I was also terrified-that-he-will-know-how-much-I-care. I've decided, already. Hell will freeze over before he knows how scared I am to lose him. By knowing that, he will know how attached I am, and how much he already means to me.

My dear friend Gena asked me on Monday if Jay and I have uttered the words "I love you" yet. She said aloud what I've been afraid to say to anyone else. I'd been feeling tempted to say the words for the last 2 weeks. In fact, I've been saying it when he's NOT here.

A few nights ago (ahem, Sunday and Monday), when I crawled into bed, I whispered "I love you" as though he were there. He was NOT in the same house or even state, then. But that has been the only time I have had the guts to say what I'm feeling.

Don't judge, OK? I'm testing it out, because I'm still questioning it. I want to be sure this time.  In every relationship so far, I've been the first to express my deep-seated feelings. I've since wondered if I've been in love or if I just wanted to be in love.  Was I really in-love Robert or B. like I thought I would love my husband one day? I have loved. That, I did. But have I ever been in-love?

But this time? This time, the feelings I have are different.  It feels secure. Safe. Relaxing. Comfortable. Effortless.

Is this what real love feels like? Is this being in-love? How would I know? How does anyone know? Seriously, how does everyone know?