I recently learned that Jay has been in a total of 2 relationships.
- Ex-girlfriend #1 was his first love that began during his junior year of high school when he said he was with a "ghetto" chick for 1 year. They ended things because she was overly possessive, jealous, and in his words: "toxic."
- Ex-girlfriend #2 was a relationship that started in his senior year of high school and lasted 10 years. Yes, you heard me, 10 years. Much of that relationship was long-distance and they broke up mutually & amicably 2 years ago because they realized they were more friends than romantic partners. Apparently, she left school and moved back to her hometown and their life paths changed. He said that his hometown could never be an option because there's nothing there for him professionally. In any case, during one of their visits together, they mutually decided to take a "break" from each other. The day after, they met again and decided to call it quits, permanently.
So I asked a million questions to learn more about Jay's feelings and reactions. Was he utterly devastated? Heartbroken? Sad, at least? He said no, no, and no. Apparently, during the last 2 years of that relationship, it already felt like they were dwindling. So when they finally cut it off, he really didn't feel like it affected his life or emotional experiences, either.
Jay's story scares me because it makes me wonder if he's ever been in love. I asked him if he had thought ex-girlfriend #2 could have been his wife someday-- and his answer was yes, because they'd been together for so long. What kind of an answer is that?!
NOTE: If anyone ever proposes to me, it better because they can't imagine living life without me and not because we'd been together long enough that it feels like the right thing to do/next step to take.
I don't really get Jay. Has he experienced heartbreak? Does he know what angst is like? Rejection? Does he know what being alone is like? Or what his own identity is-- separate from a partner?
Of course, I did not ask all of those questions aloud. But I did hint at them and he responded that he spent the last 2 years figuring out his individuality: traveling and learning about himself.
The bitter and cynical part of me snorted at that. 2 years, buddy? Seriously? That's nothing. Try 10 years of singlehood-- interspersed with 2 toxic, abusive relationships and a handful of sleepovers with guys who offered good dates at first, but then seemed utterly incompatible.
But why compare myself with him? By doing that, what am I accomplishing? What kind of sick game is that, and if it were game, who would the winner be?
- Who's been rejected more?
- Who's experienced more pain?
- Who appreciates being in a relationship more?
- Who is more pure?
- Who endorses more naiveness and optimism?
My insecurity is popping up because of how much I realize I miss him, sometimes.
Every time he's about to leave my house, I feel this wave of dread and sadness.
After he leaves, I become immobilized in some way, and unable to return to real life. I wait the full 2 hours and 35 minutes for him to get home and my life is essentially on-hold until then. When I finally get the text that he's safe and sound, I can resume life again.
His absence can feel really significant sometimes, and on days (like today), I really miss him and I'm pretty sure the feeling is not mutual because he's either sleeping, working, or playing with his bicycle.
That's when I think: Hmph, he doesn't miss me because a) our life experiences are totally different based on our dating history, or b) he just doesn't like me as much as I like him.
HINT: Both response options suck.
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