Not all improvements are equal

Before leaving for my trip abroad, I sat down to dinner with a good friend of mine and got one of the best take-home messages ever.  It was tough love, but I appreciated it and continue to remember it, even 10,000 miles away from home.

To begin, she was skeptical about my break-up and hesitant to believe that I could. Her disbelief was quite painful to hear. She was a bit cold and detached, and understandably so, considering how much pain she's seen me go through in that relationship. Her main message was clear: "Are you sure you're not going to get back together? I've seen you go in and out of this relationship several times, and even when things have been OK in your relationship, I've seen you ride a roller coaster of emotions because of him. What makes you so sure that this time, you're really leaving and he won't be able to manipulate his way back into your life?"

Her question hurt me because I had hoped for support, faith, and encouragement.  I hadn't expected having to explain myself, but doing so led to more resolve within me to stick to my plan and to prove (not just to myself but also) to others that THIS IS IT! I'm leaving this time around because the straw has broken the camel's back!

My friend also pushed me one step further to question, "what if he changes? what if he improves himself and then comes back to you? what will you do then? why wouldn't you take him back? what would stop you from taking him back?" She talked about her life lessons from being in unhealthy relationships herself. And she cried. I cried. We cried. Basically, she emphasize to me that no matter how much change people make, the history of our relationship will always be there, and could I really truly be in a relationship with someone who has once made me feel the way that he has?

Strangely enough, I already knew what she was talking about because I did think I could overcome our history.  I always thought that with unconditional love, then he would change for the better, not necessarily for me or for us, but for him too! I so strongly believed in his growth and change every single time I took him back. Every. single. time. No matter how unforgivable he was.

If I were to score him, I would say that when we broke up for the first time one year ago, his mistakes had been unforgivable and he was truly, utterly, undeniably an "F---" boyfriend.  TRULY. Over time, I guess you can say he improved. When you go from being caught cheating in 2 different ways with 2 different people, I'm not sure how much lower you can go from being a failure of a boyfriend.  You can only go up afterwards. So, in that sense, I suppose he did grow.  From F- to D, from D to D+, and for this most recent break-up, I could rate him as a C--- because nothing could be as bad as what he's done in the past. But his decision making and his actions continue to be way below average. Let's see... texting another woman? Sharing intimate details about what he does on a day-to-day basis? Letting her believe that they have a special relationship? Not telling me that this person even exists, let alone is in communication with him? He's lucky I'm even considering that a C- because I can easily classify that in the F- category again. Nevertheless, he thinks he's changed and that his moral compass is much improved.

I beg to differ, and I realize now that not all change is equal.  When it comes to matters of the heart, and all others matters to, actually, I try to give 100%. I strive to do A+ work and to work as hard as I can.  And I have in this relationship! I deserve more than A and I have to stop settling for C-.  I can't fall into his crazy belief that C- is so much better than F, and that he is so much more of a changed man.  Cheating is cheating and that is an automatic fail.  Remember that.