Love will conquer all... actually, just you. Love will conquer you.

Hollywood has messed me up big-time.
Take a movie like "Knocked Up" for example. If you don't know the story, the short summary is that a beautiful, accomplished, hard-working, no-nonsense girl gets "knocked up" by a stereotypically fat, basically-unemployed, lazy, pot-smoking guy over a one-night stand. Being that this is a romantic comedy, the guy obviously tries to do the "right thing" by sticking around for the pregnancy through-and-through. And along the way, he cleans himself up, becomes a grown-up rather than a little boy, and proves that ultimately he is the prince charming that she hadn't even noticed was under her nose all along. Obviously, they live happily ever after and you know that they eventually become the happy and traditional 3-member nuclear family with mom and dad in love raising their baby not out of wedlock but in a love-filled marriage and relationship.

UGH.

I mean, seriously, ugh! With a storyline like this, it's no wonder I am such a loyal follower and subscriber of the philosophy that love will make the world go around. Or that love conquers all, saves all, brings peace and joy to all!

But what happens when your partner is simply incompatible for you? Unhealthy for you? Heck, perhaps even abusive in some way? Does love conquer all, then?

For me, the answer has always been yes. Heck yes! And if that partner seems deficient in some way and  in need of rehabilitation of some form, then even more so! Yes to the infinite and more! So I give and give and give.  I offer unconditional love and throw in my complete self, my self-worth, my essence, by entire being to the relationship and to him!  I develop tunnel vision specifically for my relationship, or more specifically, for him, and invest every bit of my energy into helping him into the better/best man that he can be, and I hold ever so faithfully to the ideology of love, my love, being able to conquer all.

Conquer what, you say? What actually stands in the way, you might wonder? Funnily enough, having done some deep reflections over the past year, I've realized that when I say "all", I mean to say "you: my partner".  My love will change you. My love MUST change you.  Because look, in movies like "knocked up" and other romantic comedies that have happy endings, the losers change themselves to be with the amazing person.  The "weaker" partner strives to become better because of their other half, and whatever was deficient or in need of rehabilitation is improved (if not skyrocketed to perfection).

.... and all in the name of love.

So when a partner of mine hasn't changed, I have always thought I didn't work hard enough. Didn't love unconditionally enough. Whatever I did just wasn't enough, or else my love should have inspired him to be better. To change.  That is, if our love was strong enough, if I loved him enough for him to love me back, then he would work to improve himself so that he could change his cheating ways for me. Or.... give up smoking for me. For us.  Give up drinking for us.  Get on antidepressants for us.  Be more grateful for all that he has because of us.  And the list goes on...

How silly of me.  Throughout all of these years and with all of my guys... I always clung onto the same philosophy that if I loved just a little more unconditionally, then they would love be back in return and they would start to change so that we could be happy together.  So that I could be happy. I never really imagined meeting someone who would automatically be Prince Charming. Nor did I think that when NONE of my ex-boyfriends were Prince Charming, that I should just accept it for what it was, and move on. Oh, no.  Because I'm not a quitter and because I always see a flicker of hope in every situation.  So what if he's been a lifelong drug addict who has had violent tendencies in the past and a value system that is practically 100% different from mine?  We have one or two things in common, so heck, why not build from that and see what happens?  And so it begins... my journey, my project, my quest to use my love to change the other person.

And as you know, I fail every single time and I always end up confirming my secret fear that I am unlovable, that I am unworthy of being loved, that my best isn't my best and that I am simply not good enough.  I reason that if any those things were untrue, then my partner-- who usually IS unhealthy in some way-- would have changed for me because I already gave up everything for him.  Along with my love, he has complete power and control over my sense of self-worth, my day-to-day emotional well-being, my sense of identity!  If his day is going badly, then I am having a bad day too-- even if I got a promotion that day, or if I had a wonderful day, myself.

All this goes back to the title of my blog-- it's not just romantic relationships I need to work on, but my relationship with myself.  Why do I give so much power, influence, and control to others? Why am I unable to have my own sense of purpose outside of relationships and feeling like I am loved and accepted by someone?  As hard as it is to grapple with such a salient, and likely life-long issue to work on, Hollywood movies like the one I wrote about at the beginning of this entry contribute to unhealthy expectations about love, change, and compatibility.

A note to myself for future reference: Trust your initial instincts when meeting a romantic interest. Usually, you are a great judge of character and have obviously surrounded yourself very well with healthy, loving, friends.  With a prospective romantic partner, trust your gut feeling when you meet/interact with him and try to let-go of the belief that he deserves just one more date to make a better impression. If you saw red flags on the 1st date, 2nd date, 3rd date, heck, 4th date, you already gave him more than enough chances to be the person that is right for you.  Don't cling onto what may be... or the potential of who he may become...  What will inevitably happen is that once you're in a committed relationship with this person, you will change yourself to adapt to his red flags, while simultaneously trying to change him into someone he is not (albeit better, but ultimately, it is not who he is, and not what your sole purpose should be in a relationship).  Remember this, please.