Being loved and loving someone

My grandma is visiting this week and my heart feels so warm and cozy everyday.  The first few days, it took some adjusting to, but now I am enjoying NOT being alone: when I wake up, when I eat, when I take walks with Mr. Z., when I go grocery shopping...  it's so nice to be taken care of because grandma cooks for me and hugs me and kisses me.  It's so nice to be able to depend on someone else. So comforting to know that there is someone to depend on who loves you, accepts you, and enjoys you for being you.

In addition, what I've realized these days is aside from being feeling loved by someone, it's so crucial to love someone too.

Last night, I took my grandma with me to celebrate the birthday of a 1 year old baby.  My friends Mandy and Rodolfo threw a jungle-themed costume party for their adorable child and at least 20 people showed up to celebrate, eat, converse, and probably dance (afterwards).  I love this group of friends because they are the epitome of close-knit friends whose husbands and wives are all friends, and every get-together feels like a huge family reunion.  I'm lucky I have seen them more recently too, given that some of them came to celebrate my birthday with me a few weeks ago.

On the flip side of being family-oriented is that everyone in this group is coupled. Not even JUST "couple"d, but married.  I am always the ONLY single person there.  Always the youngest person there.  Always the only person who is attending the event solo.  In August, when one of the girls got married and we went to the reception, I felt so uncomfortable just being me.  I had never felt so awkward sitting in my skin.  All of the husbands/boyfriends would get the drinks for their ladies, and me? I never felt so alone, realizing that I will always be getting my own drinks, getting in my own line, filling up my own plate, walking into every social event alone with no one to chitchat or make private inside jokes with.

That's the thing about couples, they have these "looks" that they give each other.  These code expressions that only they and they alone understand.  It's SO cool and I am always so envious when I accidentally happen to see one passed along, and I feel like I mistakenly stepped into someone else's reality for a second and get to see what their life is like.  I SO want that, and I always feel SO devoid of that when I am with.... this group.

So, with grandma there last night, I felt the most comfortable I ever felt when sitting amongst all the couples.  I spoke in my native tongue with grandma and was able to code-switch back and forth.  For the first time, I had a language with someone else.  I could make eye contact with someone else.  I also had someone else to take care of, look after, and walk into a party with!  As lame as it sounds, I realized how UN-ALONE I was when I went to the buffet line and made grandma's plate for her.  It hit me even harder when I went to get a slice of cake for her and walked back to find that she saved a seat for me. She waved at me from afar and was like come! come! THAT'S what happens when you have someone else at a party with you.  You do things with and for each other, and you aren't so alone.  It felt like such a privilege, being able to get a drink for her, take her jacket for her, and check on her in-between conversations with other people.  Those are all the things I wished a partner would do for me if a)  I had one, and b) he came to parties with me. These are all things that B. did NOT do when we were together because because a) he didn't even want to go to these events with me and b) all of my friends despised him for being the blatant womanizer that he was whenever I turned my back on him.

So anyways, as I as sitting there the whole night, I couldn't help but think that to be able to look after someone at a party was so awesome.  For the first time in years, I was not the girl making the even-numbered tables into an odd-numbered one. I could have a mini-conversation amongst other mini-conversations in the room, whereas in the past, I felt like such a loser seeing all the other couples talk to one another while I just sat there by myself trying to look like I was entertained when I really wasn't.  Oh, and finally, it was so nice to be able to leave with someone afterwards.  It was a relief to say, "grandma's tired. we're going to head out!" instead of have to scramble for an excuse like I usually do.  Usually, I'm there alone, so I always feel so selfish for leaving because it's obvious that we're leaving because I don't want to be there anymore, or because I have something else I'd rather be doing.  To credit  my leaving to someone else/something else felt like a weight off of my shoulder!

With all that said.... can grandma come to another party with me, please?