Tracking my feelings

If I can track my own emotional fluctuations throughout the day, or even within a 1 hour time frame, it would probably follow something like this:

1.
I hate you. I despite you. I will never forgive you for as long as I live. I am disgusted by you: your values, your judgment, your condescension, your infidelity, your apathy for anyone other than yourself.  I have no respect for you and I will never forgive myself for even being with you for the length of time we were together. Should I feel tempted to be friends with you, I will remind myself that you are a selfish bastard who refused to have a long-distance relationship with me even after 2 years of dating.  You are a 37 year-old man who talks to mommy everyday and needed her to say "why not try it?" to tell me "OK, fine, let's try long-distance."  You wanted to break up with me when you moved to New York so you can look for the next best thing. Because for you, the grass is always greener on the other side. When I asked if I should look for jobs in New York after schooling, you made sure to remind me to do it for me and not you.  You also said that if I moved to New York someday, then we can continue to date. In the meantime, we should break up because you don't want to do a long distance; you need a warm body by your side every night.  Oh, but wait! Can I still visit you though? You asked.  You wanted to know if we can "be friends" after our break-up so that when you're bored and have vacation time, you can fly back here to have a booty call.  You figured that you could have me as a back-up in case nothing happens for you in New York.  All you've done is use me and you had no shame, no qualms, no guilt, not even a smidgen of embarassment to say all that you said. 

So the answer is hell to the mother-effing no.  I will NOT have a long-distance relationship with you and I will NOT be friends with you either.  You lost the opportunity to have me in your life and you do not deserve to be in my life. At the very least, I want to punish you now because you are not deserving of my love, affection, compassion, interest, or care for you.  You had it before, you know.  You were THE apple of my eye and I would have moved heaven and earth to be with you.  You trampled all over it and wanted everything else.  You wanted to wander, explore, experiment, but just in case it doesn't look so good out there, you wanted to be sure I would be there.... just in case. I hope you're all alone now and that you know how cold and lonely it is when you are a workaholic + alcoholic + cheating man who only takes, takes, and takes some more. All you give is negative energy and you robbed me of all that I had when we were together.  No more, mister. No more. You can't take anything from me anymore.  I won't even let you near me.

2.
Gosh I sound so vindictive.  That's not even who I am, so why am I even using words like punish?  I don't want to punish him or hurt him, I just want to get the heck away from him.  My anger went a bit overboard just now.  Maybe it doesn't have to be so extreme and I don't have to be on this continuum of anger and hurt.  He's not ALL bad. There were good qualities to him that I was initially attracted to.  From afar, he can be a decent person when he wants to. So, maybe, just maybe we can be friends.  Maybe if we start over (let me be clear) as friends, then I don't have to think about the past to live in this pain.  Maybe if we can "meet" each other now and acknowledge our differences, then we can simply co-exist and just know that we can be civil to each other.  Perhaps just one civil conversation, something like, "how are you?"  or "how's life been since we left each other's lives?"  Maybe just a brief check-in to express that we were once in each other's lives and we care about each other's well being without wanting to continue to be in each other's life.  Perhaps that will set-me-free from living in so much anger right now.  So so so much anger right now, just thinking about all these memories from our relationship and all that he did to me.  Maybe by interacting in the present, the past can just... fall away.

3.
What in heavens am I thinking? What is wrong with me that I'm contemplating possible friendship, much less even one conversation with him? I am still in recovery and should not be interacting with him in any way whatsoever. There's also no need to punish him for anything. Removing him from my life should not be about punishing someone else. I am not distancing myself so that I can hurt him.  I am distancing myself so that he won't hurt me any more than he already has.  I am protecting myself from his skilled womanizing and manipulation tactics. Because the truth is he is THAT good.  He will violate my boundaries again and he will do it with sweetness and affection cloaking his venom. Removing him from my life is equivalent to detoxing from a drug and then being sober afterwards. Even being near it can send you relapsing and spiraling into the abyss that I am working so hard to pull myself out of.  So, don't be mad, don't be angry, don't be vindictive, just focus on me and my recovery away from him.  Except that when I suddenly think of a memory of him from before when _______, then.... I feel angry again.  I'm livid and, well...


... I'm back to step 1.