Excitement!

Confession: I have a mini-crush on my gym trainer. He is a good source of motivation to wake up early and go to the gym. He is a good example of fitness and Paleo eating. He is nice enough to let me text him to ask all sorts of questions at all times.

Is that bad? Is that embarassing to admit? Am I being so healthy these days because of a cute guy?
I've had to re-assess whether my commitment to eating Paleo and working out regularly is because of him. Is it?

Am I invested in eating Paleo and going to the gym because I'm attracted to someone who is practicing this kind of lifestyle?

In order to get this answer, I've been doing 2 weeks of self-monitoring and assessing myself.  After much self-reflection and self-assessment, my answer was no.  Then yes. Then maybe. And now, no.  Although maybe could still be an option later.

The reasons I say yes is because I am exposed three times a week to someone who is Paleo and super duper committed to working out and looking goooood while helping me do it.  The other reason is that when he seemed disinterested in me, I jumped off the Paleo bandwagon and cheated immensely: eating ice cream cake and spinach artichoke dip.  After that meal, I was so mad at myself and wondered if I changed my eating habits for him . Crazy question, right? But it wasn't.  It was a very honest question that I had to answer.

As I've continued to work out with him, I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't like me (romantically), and yet, I'm still determined to work out regularly and to eat as healthily as I can. After realizing that this was the answer, I changed my answer to no, because I am committed to healthiness because I CHOOSE TO BE. I'm not following this healthy lifestyle because of someone else. I'm doing it for me. Besides, I started working out even before hiring him to give me my 10 workout sessions.

Meanwhile, I've also realized the perks of liking someone, even if it is just a one-way street. It's nice to have a crush, to flirt, and to look at a guy who has a fit bod and who is so-patient with telling me how to improve my body/health.  Maybe that's why I've found him so attractive.  For the first time in my life EVER, I feel attracted to someone for who he is rather than what I imagine him to be.

I have NEVER liked anyone for the simplicity of who they are.  It's always been who I project them to be.  I imagine and wonder what kind of boyfriend they would be. I fantasize the possibilities of them being a good husband, a good father, a good son-in-law, etc. etc. I create endless scenarios about having a future together, when in truth, I don't even know them that well at the beginning.  This time around, however, I imagine nothing about my trainer and want nothing more. I'm simply look forward to meeting with him to , learning from him, watching him, and also checking him out while watching his moves. Haha! Talk about living in the present!  That's exactly what I'm doing. Enjoying the present and not flying off into possible dreams of the future.

My tendencies to skyrocket into la-la land make this crush all the more meaningful.  It's sooo nice to like someone just for who they are, and to want nothing more. I like my trainer because he's a) nice, b) patient, c) hot, d) physically healthy and seemingly emotionally healthy, e) knowledgable, f) passionate about nutrition and health sciences, and e) has a gorgeous body.

That's it! Those are the facts! And those are based on my real experiences rather than my imaginations. It's great to just like someone and leave it at that. At this point in time, I want nothing from him other than the enjoying of being able to feel attraction toward someone. It's unfamiliar for me to just like someone and not want more. However, I am also in-touch with myself enough to know that I do not want to be in a relationship right now. I cannot offer myself to anyone right now. I refuse to make compromises or sacrifices right now.  And I simply don't know enough about myself to even date to be in a relationship right now.

These realizations bring me back to my initial statement about being honest. Am I doing Paleo and working out routinely for someone else? Is this another example of adapting to someone else (because I like them or were in relationships with them)?  I can firmly say that the answer is no.  No, because I'm aware now that I adapt too easily to others' hobbies and interests.  It's true that I pride myself on being open-minded and able to like many many things.  But to actually call it my "hobby" is different. In the past, if the person I was dating had hobby ____, then I would also be open to having hobby ___, or interest ____.  I didn't even know I was doing it, but I did!

I do not want to do that again.

Instead, I want to learn more about myself these days and to nurture myself into being physically and emotionally healthy. I am still in recovery! I am still healing from the last relationship! And I need to learn more about me. Which is why (for now) I am just so happy to be able to feel attraction for someone.  Being able to just like someone makes me happy. But it's also just a perk, and not the reason I'm striving for holistic healthiness. I mean, come on! I started this blog months ago!