Being alone.

Can't sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am.  Monday thru Friday, I am dying to sleep just a few more minutes after my alarm goes. But now look! On this bright and early Saturday morning, I find myself unable to sleep past 530am. UGH.

As I sit alone in my living room, I reflect again on my alone-ness and how spiritual this experience is for me.  When driving home last night, I found myself reflecting about my current lifestyle and how it's been healing me because I don't have to constantly keep taking care of others.

In the past few months, being alone has felt incredibly empowering. In almost all relationships, I feel the responsibility to take care of the other person.  Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even an acquaintance, I think about their needs/wants/desires/preferences. Especially in a romantic relationship, their stuff always trumps my own.  This is why I feel so empowered these days to eat what I want, do what I want, and stick to a schedule that fits me without having to consider another person.

I've also realized that my responsibility toward others is not just toward human life.  When I'm working at home, I think about Mr. Z and what he wants.  I'm distracted by his needs and so I struggle with getting my work done.  In the past week, I've spent entire mornings at the coffee shop so I can do my work without having him there.  Leaving him has felt pretty selfish, but I've also been working my way up to leaving and not feeling guilty about having activities outside-of-the-house.  Before having a dog, I used to be home very very rarely.  Other than cook, eat, sleep, and watch some TV, I was never really here.  But now that I have a dog, I spend as much time here as possible, even moving my social activities into my home so that I stay with Mr. Z.  In many ways, I am happier (see earlier post on my emotional, physical, and spiritual growth because of Mr. Z).  At the same time, however, I feel a decrease in productivity because I do feel anchored to my home.

Why is it that I can only focus on myself when I am completely and utterly alone?  Why can't I do it with someone else in the room or in my space? Why do I always prioritize others before myself?

The 2 places that allow me to focus on me is: 1) airplane/airport and 2) coffee shop.  Let me elaborate: when travelling, I have long enjoyed the fact that I can stick on my earphones and tune out the world altogether.  I can choose to make zero eye contact and I can focus completely and utterly on my thoughts, my getaway, my destination, and my plans. It's completely socially appropriate and acceptable.  In fact, it's the norm that most people don't talk to each other during those journeys.  Because I tend to fly at least once a month, I also look forward to it as an empowering experience between high up in the air, removed from everything and everyone.  You are simply alone and you cannot take care of others even if you wanted to.  I am alone from people, from things, from connections, from all sorts of responsibilities.  I would prefer not having the option of wi-fi in the sky simply because that's the one and only place that allows me to get away from it all.

As for the coffee shop, I also feel it is an "alone" experience because I sit alone in my own table.  My space is that table, and with the table being open, I am (happily) alone.  Having studied before with other people, I enjoy the social aspect but am also distracted by their needs as well.  Are they tired of studying? Am I talking too much/little? Do they seem like they are antsy to get out of there? etc. etc.  Yesterday, while sitting at a local coffee shop, I saw a couple study together at the table next to me.  I felt a stab in my heart and was reminded of my studying days with B.  That was probably what our life most resembled: study dates together because we commiserated over our doctoral work and enjoyed/needed to do work all the time.  And yes, on the one hand, it was great because it was both productive and semi-romantic at the same time.  On the other hand, I hated studying with him because he would stay for hours and hours while I got colder and hungrier at the coffee shops.  I also hated going with him because he would often make me leave early to drive him around to other places.  But the chauffeuring part is another story altogether.  That's just one sad story of being taken advantaged of and letting myself be constantly taken advantaged of.  My point about the coffee shop is that I love going alone! And the more I think about it, I am so glad that I will never have to go to a coffee shop with B. again. Seeing that couple yesterday made my heart ache but it also made me feel nauseous.  I hate B. right now and want nothing closely related to him or what we did together.  Romance is out of the question, and so is studying with a romantic partner.  Seeing all these couples make me want to gag.