Sitting with (no) hunger

I struggle with emotional hunger, hormonal hunger, or whatever the eff you want to call it. In my journey to being healthy, I have to fight this battle and win. I need to figure out why food often feels like a savior to me, both psychologically and physically.

In my family, my mom and I are known for getting sick when we get hunger.  We both get headaches, we both feel nauseous, and we both have reputations for getting better immediately after we eat.  In elementary school, I went home once a week for about a year because I had those symptoms.  I'll never forget the time when my dad picked me and took me to eat at a steakhouse during the noon hour. The nurse was not able to find my mom, so dad had come to take me home. Since it was lunchtime, we stopped at a restaurant, where, for the first time, I felt like I had 1-on-1 bonding with my dad.... and a steak to myself!  Afterwards, I was as healthy as a horse.

Today, my brother continues to make fun of me for being "sick" when I'm actually hungry. He makes fun of me for it, but the sickness feels very real. Because it feels so real, I actually fear being hungry and take preventative steps by making myself feel full.  Even when I'm not actually hungry sometimes, I wait until I feel just a little hungry... and then I quickly take the opportunity to eat... even if maybe I'm not actually that hungry yet.

An example would be... now.  It's 9pm right now and I am not hungry.  I had a very (healthy) fat lunch this afternoon, eating sauteed bacon and kale, and spooning half an avocado with an entire tomato. The fat content of my lunch has kept me very full and satiated for the past... 7 hours.  Wow. 7 hours! I should be celebrating not being hungry and not being nauseous or having a headache.

But instead, I am waiting very anxiously for a sign from my body to detect hunger.  I am not able to work on my dissertation. I simply sit and keep sensing my body, waiting to see if it might possibly be a little hungry. I tempt myself by thinking quietly, "Hey! I have food just sitting in the fridge. I have pre-made so many paleo meals and snacks that I really want to go stuff them into my mouth!"

But the problem is that I'm not hungry and this reality makes me feel even more anxious than I can imagine.  Why? Why?!

Is it because eating is how I relax?
Is it because eating allows me to watch TV, chat on the phone, and get away from my schoolwork?
Is it because eating requires cooking and prepping food-- and both things make me oh so happy?

Eating brings me so much joy. The preparation of it, the process of it, and the satiated feeling afterwards. I want to rush to it so badly, that I tend to overeat and to be overly sensitive to any sign of possible hunger.

So, as I sit here, I am fighting my body right now and stopping it from asking "Am I hungry yet?" every few seconds.  I am waging a battle against my brain that incessantly questions, "what about now? now? now? Are you sure you're not hungry and you don't want to eat something? The kitchen is riiight over there..."


This. is. war!!!