Pre-Confrontation

Before running into B. in the parking lot, I had discovered a note jammed in the door of my car.

It was a note from B., from the day before.  In it, he wrote HI!!! He wrote that he was so happy to see me even if it was just for a few seconds before I went into a meeting with my advisor. He said he went to my office 1 hour ago but was not able to find me. He said he was in town for the next 2 days because he is working on a project with his former advisor. He said he wishes me well and he used terms of affection to refer to me. He emphasized wanting to thank me twice. He said that he no longer smokes. He no longer drinks. He's working on publishing his 3rd book. And last but not least, he is single and has not dating a prospective partner for marriage. Oh, and good luck at my meetings!

My reactions:
1. WTF, are you crazy? What world are you living in that you think our "seeing" each other was a good thing? I was so busy running away from you, why would you think it was a purposeful meeting instead of me avoiding you altogether?

2. How dare you use terms of affection to refer to me.  We broke up almost 9 months ago and it was not on good terms.  I said don't show up to my office, don't call me, don't email me, don't contact me in any way.  Why would you think we are even the slightest bit friendly with each other?

3. Good for you that you no longer smoke, drink, and womanize.  On the one hand, I am happy for you.  I hope you are living a healthier life.  On the other hand, I feel like his health has been exchanged for mine.  I lost so much at the expense of this change.  I've been dragged through so much pain for the good he feels now.  Ironic that he never thought drinking/smoking/womanizing was a problem.  Now you thank me for getting you out of all those nasty habits?

4. How does he know that I'm going to meeting after meeting after meeting?


Following our confrontation, I felt quite a lot of guilt.  I thought of his note and wondered about his efforts to change and be healthy.  In no way do I EVER want to be back with him.  Never ever ever ever ever.  I'd sooner jump off a high-riser than let him touch even one single hair on me.

But still, if someone is attempting to change for the better, shouldn't they get some bit of encouragement? Shouldn't there be some recognition of strivings for growth (even if their growth was at the expense of your health)?

So, that was my guilt.  And I did feel guilty for being so cruel, so mean, and so cold to him.  Therein lies that cycle where he makes me feel like I'm crazy, I'm mean, I'm the perpetrator and he's the victim.  So many friends have had to remind me that our dynamic is part of a bigger process, and not an isolated event.  I am not mean to him on this one occasion. It is the ONLY way to deal with him and to give him the consistent message that I do NOT want him near me.  It is also the ONLY way to respond to him, because any sign of softness will be interpreted as weakness and he will prey on me... again.  Still, I felt guilty and spent an afternoon hiding in my covers feeling very very bad.