Nightmare come true

My nightmare came true yesterday. What I feared most actually happened.

B. came back into my life.

As I parked my car at school yesterday, my good friend Connie called and whispered a bunch of things I couldn't understand over the phone.  The only thing that made sense was, "where are you? where are you now?"  It turns out, she was standing outside of my office door, spying on B. who was walking up and down the hall waiting for me and knocking on my door.

I bolted as soon as I heard this news and didn't even stop to grab my jacket, my purse, or even the change that I needed to plug the parking meter.  I just started walking toward the building hoping to disappear somewhere.  At that precise moment of course, the door opens and who do you think is standing there headed straight toward me?

As soon as we make eye contact, I turn and walk in the opposite direction as fast as possible. I walk to another building and quickly run into the women's bathroom. Connie is on the phone now and she is on the heels of B., telling me that he is waiting outside the women's bathroom. Hearing this gives me even more chills and I quickly close myself behind a stall and wait in fear. When the bathroom door opens and I hear sounds of shuffled footsteps, I hold my breath and close my eyes.  Fortunately, it is Connie, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. My knees are shaking, my hands are shaking, my heart is beating rapidly, and I feel trapped. He knows I'm in here. He knows where my car is.  He knows where my office is. He knows where my apartment is.  I am stuck, I am stuck, I am stuck.  I also have a meeting in 5 minutes and I don't know what to do. Why I am hiding in the bathroom and how will I get out, unnoticed? Connie asks me what I need from her. She wonders if she should go out first? She wonders if we should call the police? She wonders if I should just stay in the bathroom for as long as I possibly can.

I say no to all of the options and ask her to walk me to my next few destinations. First, to my car, where I must retrieve my items. Then to the office downstairs where I have to conduct an evaluation. I know I can't run too far, too long, and at some point, there will probably be a confrontation. At least knowing he's here takes the surprise element away so I can prepare... later.  For now, I have a meeting and I have to go. I have to go because I have professional responsibilities. I have to walk out, even if I just want to cower in fear and close my eyes and wish him away. The best thing is for Connie to accompany me because I cannot deal with a confrontation now. I do not have the time and I am not in the frame of mind. Maybe after the evaluation. Maybe after his existence sinks in.

We open the bathroom door and we walk out.  B. does not appear to be out there.  We go to the car and surprisingly, B. is not near the car either. Whew. Finally, we head to my office and just as I am about to make it to the clinic, the doorway on the other end of the hallway opens and there he is. At the same time, the side door opens and my advisor comes out and greets us. B. also looks at my advisor and greets him-- which is both strange and uncomfortable because my advisor does not know who he is. Everyone just freezes. We all stand there, the 4 of us, unmoving for a second.  Connie comes to her senses and asks me to unlock a door for her. It's a great excuse and one that buys me some time. I quickly do so and then walk away with my advisor. All the while B. looks at me from just a few steps away, waiting to see what my response is. The whole time, I act like like he's not there. Connie buffers our contact, standing right in front of me until I walk into the clinic.

Once I get into the clinic, my advisor asks me who B. is. My advisor felt the uncomfortable tension in the hallway and finds me looking unlike myself. I open my mouth to speak but the evaluation is about to begin and two of my colleagues are already waiting for us. I don't know how the next 30 minutes happened because I can't remember a thing. My mind is a blur. I don't even know if I made sense.

Afterwards, I visit Connie near my office for a brainstorming session of what to do. I'm still in shock and I'm afraid to go anywhere that I can be alone. Connie calls our campus police, posing hypothetical scenarios about what-to-do-if-your-ex-won't-leave-you-alone.  I'm still in shock and still in denial. I want him out of my life and as far away from me as possible. I don't know why he is here and what he wants from me. This is my biggest fear come true, and here it is, surrounding me, haunting me, following me.