I know, bad blogger, bad blogger.
Last week, with all that happened, I ran away from journaling, writing, reflecting, or even being mindful. I couldn't stand to have a pity-party. And I really did not want to feel angry, either. So I decided to stop thinking altogether.
Instead, I threw myself into surviving the week and pretending B. never re-appeared back into my life. I busied myself with planning Mr. Z's birthday party (yes, I did throw him a bday party), which required cleaning my house, baking a doggy-cake from scratch, buying actual cakes for the humans who are coming, and getting all sorts of party supplies for the big day.
Celebrating Mr. Z's bday got me through the week. As Penny would day, "Look, he's saving you from B. again."
As absurd as it sounds to throw a birthday party for your dog, I did it! I judged myself quite harshly throughout the process, and also ridiculed myself in the privacy of my own thoughts. Here I am, someone who used to fear dogs and to mock those who carted their puppies everywhere. And now, I am on the other side of the fence, doing exactly what I would have laughed at, merely a year ago.
Wait, who am I again?
But then I remind myself that this is how I love. Throwing a party for Mr. Z. is not that different from when I threw B. a surprise birthday party 2 years ago. Being in the foul mood that he was in, and considering he has 0 friends, I invited a group of my pals over for dinner. He wanted to cook, so I assisted while he showed-off his skills. I asked Penny to bring over an expensive ice cream cake and I prepared candles so we can surprise him after dinner. The entire event went off without a hitch, and he was so pleasantly surprised. It was quite wonderful to make someone happy and it made me feel like I was soaring on cloud now! Until.... everyone left. When the party ended, he wanted to alcohol, stat. That's what happens when he got happy. ALCOHOL! And when he got sad? ALCOHOL! And of course, without a car, he wanted me to drive him to pick up liquor.
Now, for me, there are few things I hate doing. But liquor runs?
I DETEST liquor runs.
I feel cheap going on liquor runs and I personally don't like the effect of excessive alcohol in people. The entire night went from wonderful to bitter. I ended up driving him to pick up alcohol and dropping him off at home. I came back alone to my apartment and did all the cleaning up that you do after a party. We had already yelled and screamed and there was just exhaustion and more exhaustion. Ah, memories of that party. How bitter that was, and not at all sweet.
This year, I was so happy to throw a party for Mr. Z. and to clean up for him afterwards. We sang a birthday song (at my request), we ate cake, we cut his cake, we opened presents, and we laughed at me and this event that I made everyone come for.
It was absolutely strange and fun! And when it ended, it was still wonderful and that was a healing experience for me. It was so reparative to know that I can love and give again, and not be damaged in return.
Happy 3rd Birthday, Mr. Z!
Thank you for coming into my life!
This is just the 1st of many more celebrations to come! :)
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