Self-doubt

The same insecurities I have in relationships are just-as-present in my relationship with Mr. Z., my dog.
For the past few weeks, I’d forgotten about this initial self-doubt I had when I adopted him from the shelter. But in the past few days, my insecurity is returning.

In the same way that I wonder if I’m “good enough” in a relationship, I wonder if I’m “good enough” as my doggy’s parent. “Look, Mr. Z just sighed. Is he bored? Exasperated? Disappointed? If he were living with another family, would he be happier? More content? More fulfilled? Less lonely?”

Yes, I often wonder if Mr. Z. is lonely because he lives with me and me alone. Unlike “traditional” households, I do not have a partner and I do not have any children. Also, I don’t have any other pets other than him. And no, I don’t have a yard. I live in an apartment complex that is quite spacious for me, but still… what does that mean in the dog world? I can’t help but compare myself to families bustling with people and wonder if he would be happier elsewhere. In a family with 2 adults, 2.5 kids, another pet, and a fenced yard – (ah, the quintessential American dream), would Mr. Z. be happier?

And yes, Mr. Z deserve to be happy. So then, does Mr. Z. even know that these large(r) families exist but that he's not with them but with me, instead? When I adopted Mr. Z., he was living in a foster home with 2 adults (a married couple) and 4 other dogs. 4!! Imagine all the furry friends he had to play with all day everyday. And the couple also had a fenced backyard for them to run around and do their business!

Naturally, then, when I adopted Mr. Z., I couldn’t help but feel inadequate to begin with. In my “family”, there is only me, so I worry if he knows that and therefore judges me to be… insufficient. Sometimes, when I observe him lying on the carpet, eyes open and looking around, I wonder if he’s actually comparing me to the other families he has been with. Certainly his original owners sucked because they abandoned him and seems to have abused him for potty-training issues, but what about the good stuff they gave him? What about the good stuff they gave him that I can’t give? And what about the foster family that clearly was so good to him?

Ah, how familiar this insecurity is.

In my relationship with B., and probably with other ex-boyfriends too, I have often wondered how I compare to their ex-girlfriends. I wonder if I’m deficient in comparison, and I “observe” their responses to gauge whether they are happy with me. And in the same way that I watch Ziggy now, I have used so much more energy wondering if they are mentally checked-out and wanting to be elsewhere.

Hmm... “mentally checked-out”. That’s a good way to describe it. To physically be with someone but know that they are mentally elsewhere. Or that they wish they were elsewhere (instead of with you). That is the dagger in my heart that I wonder about. I frequently wonder if those around me (especially when they are sitting right next to me) wish to be somewhere else instead because I am _____ (fill-in-the-blank any word that is deficient; ex: boring, stupid, ugly, etc. etc.)

So, Mr. Z., do you mentally check-out on me? Are you wishing to be somewhere else? With another family? Well, at the very least, I know Mr. Z cannot physically “cheat on me” simply because it is not a romantic relationship and well, that’s just weird to think about. He can’t hurt me in the ways that men have, and he certainly can’t rip my heart out in all the ways that B. did. That at least, feels safe to me. If I really think about it, Mr. Ziggy is a dog and he can’t do those things. Also, I do think that Mr. Z. won’t hurt me in all those ways because already, he is 100% more loyal and loving to me than any boyfriend has ever been to me.