First love (Cont.)

After my entry this morning, I spent a good amount of time reminiscing my the past and crying.  I cried harder than I could have imagined while simultaneously cleaning the house, emptying the trash, folding the clothes, hanging up jackets. All the while, faithful Mr. Z trailed behind me wondering what was happening.

My heart still hurts from my first breakup.

There are so many things I don't understand about my first breakup.  And even today, it affects me because it has affected me for years.  Since my first relationship, I've lost all sense of self-confidence and self-worth.  By not knowing why we broke up, I spent 4 years trying to explain what happened, trying to play-out all the what-ifs in my head to understand how things could have been better.

Dear first love,
  Why?  I just want to know why?! Why did we break-up in the first place and why did you become so emotionally distant (while also being moody)?  Was it me? Was there something I could have done differently? Or was it you? And can you please tell me then that there was nothing I could have done to change the situation?  I have been a different person since our breakup. I am no longer the same confident, jubilant, optimistic, bright-eyed girl that used to see the world through rose-colored lenses.  Because I didn't know why we broke up, I spent 4 years afterwards being completely single, completely unavailable, and completely heartbroken.  I had no answers so I had no closure.  I worked so hard to make answers in my head and I must have replayed our relationship a million times in my head wondering what happened to make me so unappealing that you decided to leave and not even bother to explain why.  Am I that bad?  Am I so unworthy that you couldn't even explain why it wasn't going to work out?  I spent so much time wondering and blaming and criticizing myself.  Did I push you too hard to be successful?  Was I too self-focused and selfish choosing to attend a college that was clear across the country away from you?  Was it my temper that you couldn't stand? My personality? Could it be that I was too demanding at times, and not forgiving when I should have been?  Why couldn't I have had a second chance to "fix" the things you were unhappy with?  Why couldn't you have told me so that I could "fix" myself and make myself better? Your leaving was devastating to me and continues to leave me scared and anxious that in another relationship, my partner will be infatuated with me, fall in love with me, and then one day see-through to me (like you did) and decide to leave.  Like you, he may see something in me that is so deficient and flawed and therefore utterly unacceptable.  And like you, he may see it before I do and flee before offering me any explanation.  And I will continue to wonder, just like I have wondered all these years, if there is some sickly disease about me that makes me unlove-able after awhile.  Is there something about me that is so hidden that only you see it but I still don't know what it is?  Before our breakup, I felt good about myself because I didn't know how secure it could feel when being in a relationship.  When we were together, I experienced the highest "high" possible.  I felt like I was finally seen by someone, loved by someone, and appreciated by someone.  I felt so secure, so stable, and I felt like by being together, I had wings to fly, and limitless potential with you by my side.  I felt like the king/queen of the world and I felt like I could conquer anything because I had your love.  For the first time in my life, I felt special. I felt wanted.  When you left, I felt the profound absence of losing everything that made me feel good.  I felt discarded, abandoned, unwanted, powerless.  I hadn't known that being myself felt so low because I never lost anyone before.  Whatever potential I felt before, I now felt not only nothing, but I felt an absence of all the things I once had.  I lost it.  I lost you.  I lost me too because who was I without you and your love?

I get it.  You don't love me anymore.  When I saw you at the coffee shop 4 years after our breakup, I no longer recognized the person whose eyes I looked into.  I didn't feel the same warmth from before and your eyes, which used to seem so welcoming and loving, now looked dull and lifeless.  I felt doubly-heartbroken sitting across from you realizing that I no longer meant anything to you anymore, and that I haven't meant anything to you in a long long time.  Whereas you used to want me to stay longer, I could tell you just wanted to finish our talk and get the heck out.  Whereas I used to be a gift in your life, I could tell that you were burdened by my presence and wanted our talk to end soon. You were not the same boy I thought I would grow old with, love forever, had children with, and live happy ever after.  You are not the person who I thought would give me unconditional love. But you will forever be my first love, and the person that I continue to have feelings for.

I hate the way we broke up and I will always feel angry about that... angry at you and angry at me.  Aside from the breakup itself, I can't help but miss you and wish that we could have worked, or that you could have let me know what I could have done better. In retrospect, I would have been gentler, kinder, more patient, and made it more clear that you were a top priority in my life.  I would have talked to you longer on the phone when you wanted me to.  I would have given up time with friends so you know that I wanted to be with just you.  I'm sorry if I wasn't a good girlfriend and I hope you know that I would have tried harder if I knew what you wanted.  I'm sorry for everything that upset you because I just wish you could have loved me instead of leave me. My sorries don't even matter though because a) I don't know what to be sorry about and 2) you probably don't care.

It's irrelevant.  It's all moot by now, I know that. But you played such an important role in my life and you continue to haunt me in so many ways.  I wish you would know that you were the best relationship I've had in my life.  You helped me grow, you gave me confidence, you helped me feel like I could fly.  I was only 17 then, but by being in my life, you gave me hope, joy, motivation, and inspiration.  If only you haven't disappeared off of the face of the earth, I wish we could erase how we broke up and still remain friends. My formative years as a teenager going into adulthood was spent with you. All of my firsts were with you. To disappear in the way that you have is such a punishment to me. I am so pissed at you and at the same time, I miss you so much.




Adele - Someone like you