Perpetrator

I couldn't sleep last night.  Again.

I laid in bed for a few hours, tossing and turning, and eventually crying.

I thought about my relationship with B. and how my identit(ies) have changed since him.  I especially thought about adding "sexual assault victim" in my identity and how uncomfortable that feels for me.  How unfitting that seems, because I didn't even know at the time.

What else will I discover about myself that I don't know?  B. has already taken away so much of my self-concept, self-esteem, identiti(es), and my sense of trust in the world and in myself.  This additional domain of being a perpetrator and victim in the bedroom is just too overwhelming for me. Too intense for me to even accept as part of my reality.

Looking back, "perpetrator" is the best way to describe him because he does exactly that: perpetrate. He invades and pushes himself onto me in so many different ways, in so many different domains, with no regard for anything that I have ever had to say.  He has no respect for my boundaries. He completely trespasses me in all the times I have said "no".  It's as if the more I say "no", the more he will push and shove his way into getting it--- as if to prove to me that he WILL always gets what he wants no matter what.

"No, stop, don't touch me."  Immediately after, he will poke me 3 more times.


"No, stop calling me. It's over." A few hours later, he will be calling and calling and calling me.

"No, I don't want to go there."  He will cajole and manipulate so that I eventually go there.  And by go there, I mean nightly liquor runs because I detest those kinds of trips and he knows it.

The perfect example here is him calling over the past few weekends.  When we broke up, I made it explicitly clear that I wanted absolutely no contact from him.  I even said I would call the police! Still, he called me 3X on the morning of my birthday and for 2 consecutive weekends after.


It's sick.

He is sick.  

And because I was with him for such a long time, I feel very sick, too.