Feeling like I am (ir)relevant

I caught up with girlfriends over the weekend and had a mini-reunion.
It's the same girls I went to the wedding with, and the same bride who is now happily married and in-town visiting for the weekend.

... and I got some validating news that I'm bursting to share!

Remember that entry that I wrote about beneficial flirting? The quick recap is that I met a very nice groomsmen who I walked with down the aisle and who was kind, attentive, courteous, and oh-so-very-cute.  We flirted, we laughed, we danced, we chatted,  it was wonderful.  Well, after I came back from the wedding, life just resumed and I continued onwards.  I was a little bummed that my cute groomsmen didn't ask to keep in touch.  OK, I'm lying. I was super bummed that he didn't want to keep in touch because another groomsmen had gotten the contact information of my close girlfriend and they began talking through facebook, sending text messages, and having phone calls ever since. Oh, and did I mention that he wanted to come visit her this weekend??!!

So, it's been hard not to make the comparison between my groomsmen and hers when we both had such a good time flirting and having fun.  In fact, she had told me that she observed such chemistry between me and my groomsmen.  So then, why have she and I had such different experiences (romantically) after the wedding weekend? Why is she being pursued but not me?  It's been hard for me to be happy for her without wondering if something about me is deficient.  I mean, why aren't I relevant?  Why didn't my groomsman want to get my contact info? In the words of my girlfriend, why didn't he at least keep in touch as friends? Still, I'm very happy for my girlfriend and I think she SO deserves to be pursued and wooed off her feet. For me, I just feel a bit of a blow to my ego.  My already-weak and injured ego!

So anyways, over the weekend, I got some information that made me feel 100X better about myself and whether I even imagined the chemistry to begin with.  My same girlfriend dug some information from the groom to learn that boys talk! And boys gossip!  And that my groomsmen has had several conversations about me being "hot" and him being interested in getting to know me.  I also learned that the difference between him and the other groomsmen is that he's shy. He's more of a nerdy shy guy so he's not as proactive with chasing a girl.  Also, he's had a really bad experience in a long-distance relationship before, so he is wary of starting something that is long-distance to begin with.

Whewwww! So I'm not totally irrelevant and I did not imagine that we flirted.  Wipe that sweat off my brow, baby.  For awhile there, I've been wondering if it I imagined the flirting and the attraction. I started to think that he's just a really good guy all the time, but that I mixed-up the signals and began to think I was special when I'm really actually not!  So, WHEW. It's good to get that validation that he was interested. It's also flattering to know that the word "hot" was used in the same sentence as my name!  That my groomsman is a shy guy also is comforting to hear.  Perhaps I am going back to my roots!  I have always been more attracted to shy guys than those who sweep you off your feet.  The only person that's been a total romantic and a total woo-er has been B., and clearly, that has confirmed for me that shyness is 100000% better than a womanizer.


Ah, thank you, validation!  I need other people's perspectives to let me know that my perception of the world is the same as theirs. I no longer have the self-esteem or confidence to know whether my experiences are true.  I can no longer decipher whether my feelings are legitimate or if I've been fooled into thinking they are legitimate.

This. Is. A. Problem.

From now on, if I ever have a positive experience with someone I'm attracted to, I will never know if my reality is the same as his.  In my eyes, I may think I'm special and that he is treating me in a special way.  In his eyes, however, I could be just as common as the next stranger walking down the street!  This is definitely a consequence of my relationship with B.  In the 2 years that we were together, I thought he loved me and that we were special to each other.  I thought so many things that turned out to be untrue.  His honey-sweet words made me feel cherished and unique.  But obviously, he had those words for any female walking down the street! So really, how can I ever feel genuinely cherished and unique again?  I can't!  I can't trust my responses anymore because I'll never know if they are true. I can't trust others and I can't trust me, either.  Great. Just great.