Basic need: Denied

There was a HUGE red flag with B. even before our relationship got serious.

It happened during one of the best experiences we've ever had together.  It happened when we were roadtripping for to a different state and having an almost-week-long vacation of touring, exploring, and driving.  It was my first road trip EVER and we had a really good time, considering we'd barely known each other but we found ourselves really enjoying each other's company.

This was about the first month into our relationship.  And it is the only good time/experience I can remember. It is also the last experience I remember that was fun and heartbreak-free. I have since wanted to pretend that nothing negative happened on that trip because it was way too early into our relationship. And if I accepted that there were red flags, even then then it would mean that I am blind.  To which, I was only... partly.  I was half-blind, and the other part of me wanted to turn the other cheek.

The first red flag-- which I've now processed in therapy-- is his denial of my hunger.  My basic need.  Hunger, for me, has a strong emotional component because my family is full of food-loving people who have always shown their love through food: feeding, providing, cooking, sharing.

On my road trip with B., there were times when we would be driving and I would be starving.  For example, 4 hours into the drive, I'd be really hungry and needing a snack.  Our conversation was like this:

Me: I'm hungry!
B: What?! No you're not.

Conversation over.
Except that I could never believe his response was serious, so I would continue...

Me: Yes I am! You're not hungry? Let's go get something to eat.
No: Noooo. I'm not. We just ate, like, 6 hours ago.  I can't believe you're hungry already.  You shouldn't eat so much. You should go on a diet.
Me: But 6 hours was a long time ago.... I don't eat that much...

NOW the conversation is over and I'm wounded, insulted, shocked, and unsure of how to respond because of all that he said in his one response to me.  I sit in silence and I'm utterly confused. He denied my hunger.  Told me I ate a lot.  Insulted me for eating "a lot"-- whatever that means.  And gave me a look that conveys: "you're fat." What do I say to that?!

On our road trip, I eventually told him it was over when he refused to let me get olives and bread while we were stopping by a grocery store.  He hates garlic and was adamant that I only get bananas and maybe an apple.  When he realized how upset and serious I was, he quickly changed his tune, and was like "OK, fiiiiiiine.  If food means thaaaaaaat much to you."

I have SO much to write about him and his issues with food.  I could dedicate an entire blog to his critiques of food, and me eating any of it.  My self-esteem in that arena is completely gone. Because of him, I spent the past 2 years changing my diet and monitoring what I ate very very closely for fear he would smell it on my breath and find some way to insult, reject, or hurt me.

I will write more on that later.  For now, I have to stop.

This entry itself is taking quite a toll on me, and I need to take a step back.