Meet me where I'm at: In my pain

Sometimes, when I try to talk about my experiences with others, I am cut-off because my audience seems uncomfortable with my pain.  They just want to fix the situation and they want to give information to me.  Rather than letting me express my feelings and tell my story, their desire to give knowledge significantly impedes my ability to express myself and heal.

This entry may sound a bit ungrateful and critical.  But that's not my intention.  For me to understand my own needs, and for me to be a good listener to others, I want to acknowledge that some responses can actually invalidate me and discourage my growth sometimes.

What generally happens when I disclose negative experiences is that others will say: "You deserve SO much better than that, you know that, right? You are such an amazing, wonderful, blah blah blah person, and you deserve someone that is just as amazing, wonderful, blah blah blah some more."

Responses like this usually stop me cold.  Why?  Well, first of all, most people tend to interject these statements impulsively because they feel compelled to let me know that my feelings of shame and self-doubt are untrue.  I understand that the intention comes from a very good place in their heart.  They feel upset about the situation and they want to remind me to have self-worth.  But honestly, these kinds of responses generally have the opposite effect on me. From my perspective, I've been cut-off mid-way through my story-telling. And trust me, cutting-me-off when I am talking about something emotional and painful is the worst thing you can do because you've stopped a process that took so much time and courage for me to even initiate and express.  I will not be able to resume my story-telling afterwards because you've stopped the crescendo that was slowly building up. You stopped the emotional processing for me, and you've taken me off the path that I was on.  You've also taken the focus away from me, and instead it is actually placed on you and your viewpoint.  Rather than hear my story and hear about my internal experience, you have now projected "your perspective of me" onto "my perspective of me."  Purposeful or not, you have indirectly told me that my sense of self is incorrect and that I should listen to you.  YOU think I'm wonderful, fantastic, funny, smart, pretty, nice, kind, loving, blah blah blah.  YOU want me to believe these things. And YOU want me to let go of my perspective of myself as stupid, deficient, incompetent, unattractive, unworthy, etc. etc.  You want me to not see myself in MY way, but to see me in YOUR way.  So, in order to respond to your statement (and you do expect a response because you want so much for me to have self-worth), I now have to switch into a different frame of mind to think about YOUR perceptions of me rather than all of the dark, ugly, scary feelings that I have. Thus, instead of being able to put my pain out there so that I do not have to sit in it alone, I now continue to sit in it alone.  Even worse is that I feel even more alone now because you, my dear audience who I trust so much to share my stories with, have now conveyed to me that my self-perception is untrue, and that I should listen to your perception of me instead.

Another frustrating response that people have are the "should" and the "deserve" statements.  "You should be in a relationship where he values and respects you.  You deserve love.  You deserve to be cherished. You deserved to be a princess. You should be in a relationship in which you are a top priority." And blah blah blah some more.

These responses have caught me off-guard too. And again, I end up feeling more invalidated than ever before. Look, I know what I "deserve" and in an ideal world, everyone would have all of these beautiful abstract concepts in their lives.  But what you're saying is so far from my reality and it is as foreign to me as unicorns and christmas elves.  So, rather than send me into la-la land giving me hypothetical ideals that are abstract and vague, why can't you hep me cope with the reality that is my life?

Would you tell the starving children of the world that they deserve ice cream cakes and prime ribs?  That they should taste all of the candies at least once in their lifetimes, and that they are deprived of a life that gives them a buffet of meal choices?  I sure hope not because that is ridiculous!  And also excessive! Would you tell children at orphanages that every child deserves a family and that they should know who their biological parents are? Heck no! That's just an ideal situation in an ideal world.

Instead, I wish people could just meet me where I am at. If I am telling you about my unhealthy experience about a previous/current partner, help me either deal with that issue directly or help me identify why I'm not leaving that person.  Help me get out of my current situation.  Or at the very least, I beg you to acknowledge that this is my reality rather than paint an idealistic and unrealistic picture that is vague, abstract, and completely unknown to me.  With starving children, you would give them food so they can cope with their immediate hunger and to deal with the pressing issue at-hand.  With an adopted child, you would decide on a case-by-case basis what they need to know rather than tell them about an ideal world about love and families.  On a scale of 0-100, if I am doing in the negative zone, please don't tell me about how great life is in the 100 zone.  Rather than tell me that I "should/deserve to" be at the 100 level, meet me at 0, at the very very least.  If you can move to the negatives to be with me, then that would be even better.  My wish is for you to meet me where I'm at rather than tell me where you think I should/deserve to be at.

My last comment is that whatever information that people give me about me and self-worth are usually things I already know about myself.  I KNOW that I deserve to be in a good relationship.  I KNOW that I deserve to be respected and listened to, loved and cherished, treated like a princess, validated for my feelings, etc. etc.  I KNOW.

If I didn't know, then why would I be in this bad relationship?  Obviously, it's because I know and I hope that my partner will one day be like that. For me, the problem has always been that I hope they will change, and I hope for a fairy tale ending. The problem is that I am too hopeful about ideals, and I am applying them to the wrong people.  So please don't tell me about abstract ideals because that's actually more dangerous for me.  You are unintentionally encouraging me to continue to fantasize about a good relationship with the asshole I've dated/ am dating.


In short, please listen to me and let me tell my story.  Simply telling my experience is validating for me.  Letting me share my story is empowering for me. Rather than re-direct my negative into positives, please just let me sit in my feelings and let me know that my experience is real and that my feelings are also real.  By simply acknowledging that, I will already feel less alone and I will feel more validated for just being me.