Trauma Bonds

I have been thinking about this topic for awhile now.  During my relationship with B., I had a vague sense that I was deeply attached to him for the wrong reasons, but I just didn't have the (whatever it is) to pull myself out.  The worse he was to me, the more I needed him.  The more he criticized me or criticized things surrounding me, the more I felt the need to please him-- all the while hating him inside-- but feeling compelled to make him proud of me at the same time.

Also, the worse he was, the more I needed to be with him.  That was how I felt anyway.  Sitting amongst friends, I would think about him and feel an urgency to rush to him.  Instead of enjoy the company of those who love me and who give me support and fun, my mind will always wander to B. and the need to quickly leave so I can be with him.  Ironically, I always left fun, relaxing atmospheres to get to him, and it was always utterly disappointing to rush there only to find him drunk, manic, depressive, inattentive, yes, always in this combination!

So the worse our relationship was, the less I talked.  The less I shared with friends.  The less I went out with friends. The less I thought about how I feel.

Which is why I have this blog now, and which is why I was so pleased to find this website today, when I googled trauma bonds:

http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/

I mostly know all of the facts and information.  What was most helpful for me was reading people's comments and feeling like there was support across all of our experiences.  What may be uniquely shameful to you is something that we have all experienced in some way, shape, or form. None of you are alone.  I can relate to your experiences and I hope you know that you have ever been the only person to go through what you have/had gone through.