Garlic. A difficult entry to write.

One of my most painful memories is having to give up garlic when I was with B.

I either stopped eating it altogether or I had to sneak it in.  I only ate it when he was out-of-town or if I were out-of-town.  And boy did I crave it and crave it often. I remember one night when I craved salsa and guacamole so much that I was no longer able to resist the temptation.  I love to cook in the kitchen and I was wanting so badly to have that strong flavor of raw garlic spiciness mixed with jalapenos, salt, and lots of lemon juice and cilantro.  That night, I made it and I satisfied one of the biggest cravings I'd been resisting for weeks, if not months.  And then he called to say he wanted me to visit him because he was missing me.  I had to say no no no no no because I knew that if I were "caught"-- that he would surely punish me for eating what he absolutely detested me eating.

And punish me, he does.
The first time he expressed his disgust was when he made a nasty face when I wanted olives and bread during our road trip.  He said he hated garlic and he didn't want me to have any either.  But at that time, he was at least more gentle and smiley and he almost said it jokingly so I relented and ended up eating something else.

Over time, he passively made me feel very badly about myself for eating garlic. One of the worst memories I have was when I hosted a huge party for an organization and catered delicious Chinese food to celebrate the Lunar New Year.  It was a lot of fun and afterwards, I stopped by his apartment because he asked me to just come over and say hi.  When I got there, he appeared ecstatic to see me and ran over to me to embrace me and to say hi.  He leaned in to hug and kiss me and I remember feeling so warm and cozy inside.  But just as intensely as he showed his love, he was equally quick with taking it away.  One minute, I remember snuggling and cuddling, and the next minute, he was literally shoving me out of bed and sticking a pillow between us as he said, "yuck, I smell garlic."  He made as many "get away from me" actions as possible, turning his back to me, pushing me to the farthest side of the bed, and then eventually sitting up and telling me how unattractive it was for a girl to eat garlic.  His exact words? "In Europe, girls don't eat garlic."

.... Are you kidding?  What part of Europe?  Because Europe is quite large and although I've only explored most of the Western parts, I'm pretty sure that in all of the places that I've lived there (i.e., the UK, Italy, Spain, France), people loved garlic.

So then B. changed his excuse and said that he hates garlic and that his family doesn't eat garlic.  When I expressed disbelief and asked about some of the foods he said that his mom makes, he emphasized that only his parents eat garlic, but that he doesn't, and that he never liked the flavor for as long as he could remember.

Now, this fight/discussion lasted for a good hour, and eventually, after feeling so physically and emotionally rejected, I got up and said goodbye.  I said that I can no longer be with him if that is how he feels and if he is going to restrict my dietary habits this way.  I felt like I was so disgusting to him, and it was so exhausting, draining, and defeating to have to argue and beg for him to accept that just because the food is gross to him, I shouldn't be gross to him.  I felt angry too because in my culture and my family, garlic is essential in all of our meals! Heck, my dad used to make me eat raw garlic for its health benefits, and even today, tons of our sauces and dressings are mixed with garlic.  I simply couldn't imagine having to cut that all out of my life, and having to bear that feeling of being disgusting to someone because I like it.

Of course, B. quickly got up and changed his story.  He said that I was being overly dramatic and that he doesn't dislike garlic, it's that he's allergic to garlic.  I challenged this statement because I had seen him eat some before, and eventually, he admitted that he wasn't allergic, he just didn't like it.

DO YOU SEE HIS MANIPULATION TACTICS HERE?  I DIDN'T BEFORE.  BUT I DO NOW.

I can't believe that I stayed with him for like... 1 year and 6 months after that.  Because I did and I did eventually give up eating garlic.  For awhile, he started to eat it and he later admitted to liking it!  But it was only when he ate it that I was "allowed" to consume garlic.  If I were the only one to eat it, the consequences would be the same: emotional and physical rejection.  Outward disgust towards me.  And a whole onslaught of insults toward people in my culture and to all the women in the world (i.e., non-European) who consume garlic.  In his world, apparently, "European girls never eat garlic because they care about being sexy".

Goodbye to my self-concept of being sexy, attractive, wanted, or even just... acceptable.