Why did we break up?

Earlier tonight, I talked to a friend about Robert and questioned aloud if I will ever forget this first love of mine.  My dear friend asked me something very poignant and has gotten me thinking ever since.

When I expressed being frustrated at our unhappy ending (to date), my friend asked me the following questions: "What if he told you why you broke up and the answer is not good enough for you?"

Hmm... Interesting. That's a good question.

What does "good enough" mean?

Suppose Robert were to say, "I don't know, I guess it just ended"-- that would not be good enough, I guess.  I would be confused and I would want specifics, like... "Why did it just end?" "Why did you/I/we let it end?" "Why wasn't it worth it to keep it going and not end?"

Suppose Robert said, "There was too much chaos at that time in my life, with my mom's health issues, my dad's financial issues, my own academic and career issues..."-- that would also not be good enough because I would not know why those things have any connection to our relationship.  This quote is actually a summary of what he actually told me when I saw him a few years ago.  But rather than ask him what it had to do with us, I immediately shifted to how he's doing now, and how his mom and dad have been doing since then.  I never asked about us.  I felt it was too selfish and too me-me-me-focused, and instead, I have obsessed about it by myself ever since.

So clearly, after talking to my friend, I've thought about a few hypothetical answers and I have realized that at this point, what I need to know is: whether he loves me today, whether he loved me at the time when we broke up, and whether he loved me when we were together.  Was it real?

I didn't have the guts to ask him these exact questions when I saw him a few years ago.  I felt too cowardly. Today, I continue to feel terrified of his answer and how it will shatter my image of him and of our relationship.  There is the saying: "action speaks louder than words" and if I were bright enough, I would know that his inaction has spoken volumes.  Over the years, Robert's inactions have been telling me very clearly & very explicitly that he does not love me any more, that he couldn't care less about me or what is happening with me or my life. And he has completely disappeared as much as possible to me and to all of his friends, into some sort of a depression hole.  In the few times that he's interacted with his friends, he's told them not to relay any information to me. He's been surprised to hear that I socialize with them.  And he's been upset that they have chosen to interact with both myself and him. I didn't find out any of this until this winter break when I went home. For the first time, I learned that over the past few years, he's been guarding against me like I'm an enemy, or at the very least, an outsider that he wants little/nothing to do with.

Learning all that information has been very hurtful.  And I kind of forgot about it until... now. Why? Why did I "forget" that Robert chooses to disappear from everyone including me? Why can't I accept that he wants nothing from me and nothing to do with me.

Why can't I accept this reality for what it is?

Through his actions and inactions, Robert is saying he feels nothing for me, he's moved on, and he doesn't even want to have any direct or indirect contact from me.  Why do I continue to romanticize him and our relationship and feel like there was so much more, when clearly there's absolutely nothing left?

This entry makes me feel utterly pathetic, desperate, and all the things I would never want to be associated with.  Alas, it is a version of the truth, and although it hurts, it's also very real.