Relationship with myself

Time after time, person after person, relationship after relationship, I've lost myself, my identity, and my needs.

It's happening again, but this time it's not about a boy or a romantic relationship either.

As I'm working on my dissertation (defense), I have been feeling utterly terrified. Immobilized even. I sit in front of the computer, freak-out in my head feeling traumatized by my last experience with my dissertation committee.

2 years ago, I had the most negative academic experience of my life... and it was one week after I had discovered that B. cheated on me.  May 5 was the day that I discovered his cheating emails to another woman and I had been devastated beyond belief.  One week later, I had my dissertation proposal meeting with 4 professors grilled me about my project, my research, and my abilities. I knew that those meetings are supposed to be hard, but it was much more than that for me. It was devastating as well-- except this time, professionally.  I had gotten such negative feedback, such poor delivery in the feedback, such a slap-in-the-face (figuratively) that I lost all sense of confidence in me. I felt completely incompetent in every single way possible: as a person, lover,  woman, girlfriend, and then on top of that, as a researcher, scientist, student, advisee, etc. etc.

Fast-forward to now and it's 2 years later but I feel the same, if not worse. I feel ashamed of what happened 2 years ago.  On top of that, I anticipate a repeat episode of what happened before. People who don't know me shake their heads at me and laugh off my concerns. They think I'm freaking out for no reason and remind me of my strengths.  But for the people who know me, they know that my self-doubt and fear are not case-specific or incident-specific. They are the outcome of two of the most negative experiences of my life and they are now, salient aspects of my identity.

I leave myself with this quote as a reminder that I have to prove myself wrong.  I have to pass this test, in the same way I passed my last "test" when B. suddenly showed up in my life but I maintained boundaries, composure, and distance. I have to pass it because if I don't, the same problems will emerge over and over, and they will all entail my sense of self-doubt, self-shame, and immobilized fear to "be myself"-- for better or for worse.