Is your relationship over?

I came across an article today, entitled: "When it's just another fight and when it's over".  It was actually featured in Yahoo under the heading, "Is your marriage over?" and I couldn't help but read it.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/just-another-fight-over-040100241.html

I'm glad I read did, actually.  But before I delve into the details, I want to note that the article was falsely advertised because it isn't only marriages that end. Break-ups suck too!  Couldn't they have promoted it as, "Is your relationship over?"

Aside from this gripe, I've been thinking about this article ever since.  The gist of this piece is about resentment and having a fight be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  In essence, it's not necessarily just that fight that leads to the breakup.  It's all the other things building up to it: all the frustrations, miscommunications, annoyances that just seem too much to bear.  So, what happens is that from one partner's perspective, s/he may think they're having just another fight.  For the other person, the one who is up to his/her ears being fed-up, it is the defining moment in realizing that it is absolutely, positively over.

This article is hitting me in a sore spot, as I think about my breakup with Robert.  Yes, again, I'm going to me talking about my first love because I grieve about him these days and not B.  I have to get to the root of this.  I have to understand why I am the way I am (when it comes to him).

I have rejected this hypothesis in the past: that we broke up because our last fight (which felt like just another fight to me) was the straw that broke his (him being a camel) back. Maybe for me, it was something I expected to resolve.  But for him, it was the last thing he wanted to handle, the last thing he wanted to tolerate. Perhaps from his perspective, it was the last jenga piece that was coming out of our already-wobbly relationship.

It's hard for me to think that our relationship led up to that point.  I find it hard to even imagine that he had a lot of resentment, anger, and frustration towards me.  It's really really hard to even think that because it would mean we were completely out-of-tune with each other. I mean, out-of-tune to the point that I didn't even know he was so unhappy.  Out-of-tune because I never imagined we would ever break-up, only that we would fight and fight, but eventually we'd work-through it and be OK. It would also hurt to know that we never even attempted to resolve his unhappiness if he was so upset with me.

Why was he so upset with me? Was I so hard to handle? To tolerate? Was our relationship (and me) so bad that he wanted nothing to do with it but to flee and run? I don't know.

I guess I'll never know. But I have to admit that like the article said, we were fighting quite a bit before our final break-up.  We were arguing quite frequently, we were both ridiculously busy and short with each other when we did talk to each other. And when I say talk to each other, I meant through the phone since we were in our 2nd year of long-distance dating.

Here's the even harder part to admit: I confess that even though we were both very busy, I probably could have invested more time and energy into him before our last fight.  I should have seen the signs. I should have done something! I remember there was one night when he was suddenly in a good mood.  He had been pretty negative throughout that week and I could not understand what was going on.  So when he was in a good mood that night, I should have spent time focusing on him and trying to re-connect us.  Instead, however, I felt pressured to host 2 of my friends who had travelled to stay for the weekend.  They had just gotten in when Robert had called.  I remember feeling relieved that he was in a good mood, and hopeful that it would stay that way.  He wanted to talk, he wanted to chat, he wanted a long call-- which was uncharacteristic of him (and us) considering how busy we had both been during that time.  If it were any other night, I would have happily obliged and enjoyed every single millisecond with him.  But I felt the pressure of hosting my 2 friends and being a bad hostess because I was out on the porch whispering into the phone at 1am. So instead, I told him I couldn't talk and hoped he would be more understanding so we can catch-up the next day. I basically said no to our time and chance to have some quality conversation together... and to this day, I continue to kick myself and wonder if that might have been the precursor to our break up.

I blame myself and wonder if things would have been different if I just continued to sit outside until the wee hours of the morn.

It is incredibly difficult for me to accept that Robert may have been pissed at me when we broke up.  It is actually (almost) impossible for me to accept that at any point, he had resentment towards me, frustration towards me, and annoyance towards me.  I'm supposed to be the person that makes him happy.  I'm supposed to be the light at the end of his tunnel.  I'm supposed to the love of his life, and the one he shares everything bad with, so we can get through and live happily ever after together.  For us to break up because he had so much pent-up negative emotions toward me (and for me to not know it) is more devastating than... what.... I don't know!  It's equivalent to feeling betrayed and cheated-on, because I feel like I never even knew that's how he felt.  He never even indicated having those feelings toward me.  He never even gave me a chance to work on it together or to address it together before deciding that we were done-zo!

So, in reading this article, I'm reminded about this alternative scenario that I rejected from my consciousness.  I have refused to wonder if we broke-up because he was sick of me, and sick of putting up with me. It is too heartbreaking for me to accept that as a reality. It's too much of a shocker because it turns my world upside-down and inside-out.  Assuming Robert and I broke up because he was fed-up with me, I will be devastated because it takes away all the good things I thought were true in our relationship.  If he really had so much resentment towards me, I will not know how to see myself anymore. I will completely doubt myself and also my reality.  I will question if the good things I experienced were actually true.  I will lose faith in myself that my instincts pick up facts. I will no longer be able to interact with anyone without wondering if they perceive me in a totally different way than how I perceive myself.

So please. Please please please: if you are going to dump someone, tell them. Explain it to them. Do something that gives them closure rather than say nothing and go away. Give them closure. Give ME closure. Because without knowing why you broke up, wondering about endless possibilities could drive a person to madness.  Or it could just keep that person pining over you and feeling heartbroken for years and years and years.  Don't punish them like that. Help them to let go. Help ME let go.