On being liked... romantically.

I can write for days end about being liked, in general.  But this post is not about that.  It's about my tendency to feel absolutely disgusted when I find out that someone likes me, romantically.

Why is that, I wonder?

Why is it that in almost all social settings, I cater to pleasing others and maintaining harmony for the sake of being liked? But then when someone potentially likes me and tries to get close to me, I balk at that possibility and run as far as possible?

In elementary school, one of my best friends developed a crush on me and wrote me a love letter of some sort. He was pretty explicit about liking me, and as soon as I found out, I treated him as though he had some sort of contagious disease.

Similarly, in high school, when a friend asked me to the winter formal and declared his love for me in front of well, everyone, I freaked out and began to avoid him at all costs.

While some people may think this is some sort of diva or princess attitude, I consider that explanation to be much more superficial than the truth.  The complex, complicated, and convoluted reality is actually quite sad and it is the opposite of self-entitlement.

The truth is that whenever someone likes me, I find myself immediately shocked at the possibility that some person in this world has an interest in me.  I cannot fathom why anyone would find me interesting, much less take the next step to pursue me. Instead of feeling flattered, I delve straight into contempt and disgust. What is WRONG with this person that he likes me? Why are his standards so low? What does he see in me that 99.9% of the people don't see? What is wrong with him that he sees good in something (ahem, me) that I see as so bad (again, me)?

The shame is overwhelming, and I hadn't even realized that it was my own self-contempt that blocks my way to happiness.  Why don't I love myself more? Wait, let me take a step back. Why don't I like myself enough to believe that I am likeable, and at some point, even loveable?

These self-reflections are so good for me in my journey of self-exploration and -empowerment. If I don't love myself more than anyone else in this world, then why should someone else?  And if I depend on someone else's affection to validate my self-worth, then who am I on my own? My goals, both now and for the rest of my life, are to love myself, and to find things within me that I can identify with, accept, and come to love.  It's a 3-step process: 1) identify, 2) accept, and 3) love.

First, I must identify who I am, and what I'm all about.
Next, I have to accept all that I am, the good, the bad, the neutral, and the shameful.
Finally, I have to find a way to love it because they are all part of me, whether I like it or not. And far from fighting it, why not embrace it, love it, and believe that the sum is greater than all of its parts? That I, as a person, am good even if there are bad parts?

I think that only when I can love myself more, will I be able to let myself be loved by another person. And just to clarify...  I'm not talking about just any random person. My track-record to date, shows that I keep finding people who are unhealthy themselves validate my existence. So, when I say another person, I'm talking about someone who will also be healthy enough to love me as well as love himself.  Someone whole, someone at peace, and someone that can help me be better in the same way that I can help him be better.

And let's face it, we can't help anyone be better when we're not whole. I can't help anyone.  I can't even help myself when I look to someone else to make me feel whole.