He exists!

On my way to Penny's baby shower party (that I was co-hosting), I got a call from my high school friend, Jenny.  At first, I contemplated not picking up, since I was in the car about to get to my location.  But curiosity got the best of me, because rarely does she call me at daytime (she's such a party animal she's usually awake only when it's nighttime!).

Turns out, I was right.  Jenny had news for me.

She starts with, "guess who I just saw?"  And I start racking my brain for all the possibilities.  I mean, high school was what, 2,000 people? I'm sure I can narrow it down somehow.  And between us and our ex-boyfriends, I know exactly who would freak us both out to warrant a call like that!

Well, it was news related to Robert, my first love, and it was the kind of phone call I've been waiting for, for oh, the past 7 years of my life.  It's actually been surprising for me that it's taken THIS long for me to hear news from him.  It's taken THIS long to accidentally get info from him, when my hometown is all of THIS big (not very big if you get my drift).

The news is really not that big.  Jenny was having a garage sale, and Robert's friend comes by to buy some things.  Jenny plays dumb and asks about high school friendships and people they know in common.  She learns that Robert is now working as an electrical engineer way out near the airport and that he commutes about an hour each day for his job. She mentions my name and Robert's friend looks at her cluelessly and says he has no idea who I am. She repeats my name again, and still, there is no sign of recall.  Jenny quickly drops the topic so she can gather more information about Robert, but that was really about it.  He still lives at home with his mom.  His mom is doing fine, healthwise (yes she asked). Annnd that was it. The end.

Throughout our phone conversation, my heart was pounding like you could not believe. Finally.  Finally! After all these years, I am hearing first-hand from my dear friend, some news about Robert that I know is credible.  It's one thing to hear things from Robert's friends when I go home during vacations.  Those girls are his friends. I wouldn't be surprised if they lied and lied to my face.  But to hear it from Jenny? That is a completely different story.  Jenny, I trust. Jenny is my friend through and through.  Jenny has seen me at my worst post-break-up.  And Jenny knows.  I mean, Jenny knows how devastated I have been, and how heartbroken I continue to feel about him, even today.

So... hearing the news from Jenny, albeit small news, is... earth-shattering for me.

When Robert and I were in high school, his passion had always been for graphic design.  He dreamed of working for Pixar and he was so creative, so talented, and just so... artistic.  He saw things I didn't see. He admired things I couldn't begin to appreciate. He was an artist, that was that! And that was probably one of the reasons my dad didn't feel so fond of him.

In college, Robert worked full-time at a real state company and went to school part-time to get his degree in something practical: business. He didn't love it, but he did it for a functional purpose, and it seemed like a good combination with his future degree in art.  In our heads, we envisioned he would someday pursue graphic design. It was simply a matter of timing.

But then we broke up and I didn't know what happened for 4 years after that.  When I contacted him 4 years later to ask about us and to get closure, he updated me on his life to say that he was pursuing a degree in engineering.  He was really embarrassed when he said it, mostly because he was getting his degree from an online school.  He was also doing it not because he felt passionate, and not even because he had any interest in engineering. Instead, he chose the field because it was the best way to make money fast.  Apparently, around the time that we broke up, his mom had been diagnosed with cancer and being a single parent, and him being an only child, he needed to contribute to the medical expenses fast.

I don't know happened after that, although I do wonder (all the time) whether he still dabbles in graphic design.  I also didn't know when he would graduate, and what kind of engineering he would pursue.  The idea of Robert being an engineer just didn't fit.  It still doesn't fit, but I actually have so much more respect for him that he's doing it, and that he did it.

So, as I hear from Jenny that he is currently an employed, salaried engineer, I have so many mixed emotions.

I feel happy for him because he did it.  I am so proud of him that he's accomplished his goal and that he's making money for his mom.  I also feel heartbroken for him and wonder how much he's had to let-go of his dreams.  I wonder if he's happy, if he feels a sense of purpose and meaning in his work.  And I wonder if things are finally more stable now, than when he had to climb and uphill battle pursuing his studies.  Being employed and having a stable job should be relaxing now, right?

And now, here it comes: my expectations.  If Robert is so stable now, and if his mom is doing OK, and if he's attained his goal, then what is he doing/thinking/wanting in his love life?  Is he... dating someone? Is he... in love?  Does he... regret our break-up? Does he still... love me?  And if so, why hasn't he come back to even ask about me?

I recounted Jenny's news to my mom and got a harsh but necessary dose of reality.  My mom said to me, Wow! If Robert's friend doesn't even know your name in the slightest, then it's obvious he doesn't mention you, ever.

Ding ding ding!  100 points for Robert, 0 for me.  Again.

I hadn't even thought about it.  Whereas in my entire circle of friends, practically everyone of them will know Robert's name, and know of his significance in my life, it's clear that I account for exactly nothing in his life.  Even his friend, who I've double-dated with when Robert and I were in high school, couldn't remember me.  Meaning that Robert probably couldn't be bothered to even recollect who I am, either.

At the end of my conversation with mom, she asked me not to let this news have a ripple-effect on my mood.  I shrugged her off and said "no way, this is closure, mom!" But I have been wrong. I have spent the past few days thinking about Robert and feeling very very emotional.  I just looked through all of my posts that are tagged with "first love" and cried and cried.

It is so incredibly painful knowing that you are so small in someone else's world, but they were/are everything in yours.