For starters, I submitted my 241 whopping whale of a dissertation this week. It is officially out-of-my-hands. Whoopee!!
I also had lunch with my adviser today and we talked about anything and everything. Although I don't see him much, we occasionally have these meetings that just make me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. I suppose that in the 6 years that I've been here, he should know me. Nevertheless, I'm always surprised when he says things to me that capture exactly how I feel, or exactly what's happening in my life.
Over lunch at this gorgeous Thai restaurant in town-- our annual Spring lunches, mind you, we talked about my dissertation, my plans this summer for internship, my attempts to be physically active and healthy, and we also talked about what's happening on the relationship front. My adviser actually met B. that day when he randomly showed up in front of my office. Before that, I had told him a bit about our relationship, so he knew the backdrop. As we ate, he asked what happened after running into him, and if I'm officially done with that relationship these days. As we talked, he shared that prior to meeting his wife, he has also had similar experiences like me, and he has known others who "take care of others before taking care of yourself."
I was so surprised that he hit the nail on the head. How does he know me so well?
He knew exactly what my problem was/is, and not only did he understand it, but he was not judgmental whatsoever. He was validating and he normalized my experience by sharing his own very personal experiences in relationships. He said that many of us in the helping professionals struggle with finding reciprocal relationships because we simply have so much love to give (and we can sometimes give it to the wrong people in our personal lives). He told me stories about his own love life, and he talked about the challenges that he has struggled with as well. I have never felt as close to him as I did today. And I felt so honored that he was willing to share it with me.
You now what else? I also grew from this experience just seeing him talk. When he spoke and shared his experiences, he did not talk with shame. He talked about experiences similar to mine, when an ex-partner under-appreciates you and treats you like shit, but you still want them at the expense of your own well-being. What was also strange was that when I heard him talk, I didn't judge him either. I didn't judge him in the way I would judge myself if it were my story. Instead, when I listened to him, I saw only his strengths. I felt empathy but it wasn't pity or shame. It was a kind of respect, validation, and understanding. Knowing his struggles made him even more human to me.
So since then, I've been wondering... why can't I see myself in that way as well? Why can't I view me as being "more human" than I thought? Why do I judge myself so harshly?
Tonight, I baked homemade organic cookies for Mr. Z with a recipe that I adapted from here.
I didn't follow the exact ratios, but I did come up with some awesome cookies in all sorts of shapes: xmas trees, gingerbread men, stars, hearts, a weird cross, a flowery circle... and Mr. Z devoured those cookies too, which has made me even happier because I was worried he wouldn't like them.
I'm actually flying on cloud 9 because of my conversation with my adviser today, my successful attempt at making homemade treats for Mr. Z tonight, and because my entire apartment currently smells like peanut butter and honey right now... which is absolutely wonderful.
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