What happens after?

Can two people be friends post-break-up?

In theory, it sounds like a wonderful thing.  "We couldn't make it as a couple, but we sure adore each other as friends."

In practice, though, does it really work?

I am working very hard to push-aside my denial and optimism because I fluctuate between intense anger and then a strong desire to reconnect again.  I think I miss him at times and I feel a significant loss.  But of what?  What have I lost?  What do I miss?

I can't answer those questions and it infuriates me.  Our time together was never that good.  Mostly, it was me giving up my lifestyle for his.  His schedule, his food preferences, his hobbies, his time frame, his priorities.  Of course, I can't wholly blame him for that because I chose to give up mine for his.  But what I'm saying is that our time together was never really that good.  So what is it that I miss?

A part of me feels like punishing him though.  This part of me wants to be un-reachable so that I convey the message of: "You treated me poorly as a partner, so you do not deserve to have me as a friend."

Hmm. I guess I wish our history wasn't so painful that we could be friends.  I wish he hadn't hurt me so much so that we could still be friends.  I wish I can look back on this relationship and have some positive memories right now, but alas, I can't.  And that's really what's so sad about all of this.  I'd like to miss him, but I can't.  I miss the idea of him, but who he is actually? What our relationship was, in reality?  I do not miss. Not at all.