Overlooking the good guy

I am skeptical about ever meeting a good guy.  And I am even more skeptical about knowing how to identify a good guy (rather than throwing myself into the arms of a bad guy again).  But then last night, it suddenly occurred to me.... I know a good guy.  I know a really really really good guy who breaks the mold and who is my anchor during times of heartache and sadness.

Yes, I know a wonderful guy who has always been there for me even when I rejected his advances and threw myself into the last relationship that I was in. Don is his name, and he has been everything that a girl could dream of, if not much much much much more.

Don, calls when he says he will.  Don has friends and loves kids, pets (especially dogs), and all kinds of food.  Don enjoys his sandwiches and milk like a little kid, but has the wisdom and patience of someone much older.  Don is someone I really don't know that well other than an attempted courtship that lasted oh, I don't know.... 4 months... Yet, he has been so present in my life, and so inspiring as well.

I rejected Don for many reasons, none of which I can remember now.  I just know that when I first met B., I told him Don that our time was gone and that I had already met someone else.  At the time, Don was so enamored with me, but he was not able to devote the time or attention to having a relationship. Work, responsibilities, and geographical distance contributed significantly to us not ever thinking it would ever work out.  The truth is that we met online and it was only phone conversations and emails that sustained us.  It wasn't enough for a real relationship, and it simply just wasn't enough for me.

Yet, Don has been in my life for 3 years now... although technically, we really only communicated closely for 4 months. Nevertheless, he was in my life during the 2 relationships I was in... He was silently in the background because I asked him to. Because I told him it wasn't right to be friends.  My understanding of cheating had been so pure before.  I thought it was wrong to be friends with someone who liked me.  I thought it was cheating in some way, and I told Don to give me space, back away, and not contact me. Ever. Being the absolute gentleman that he is, he begrudgingly agreed and kept his word. He never reached out to me in anyway, other than on my birthdays each year-- wishing me a good day and a good celebration. I have never given him a response.

...but for some reason, after the ending of both relationships, I always think back to Don and all of his patience, understanding, and compassion for me.  I think about what a great guy he is, and how validating it would be to hear his voice, and to simply be in his emotional presence.  Even on the phone, hearing his voice gives me a sense of stability that I've been looking for for so long.  He fills holes inside me without me asking.  He gives me encouragement without me having to tell him that I even need it.  So I miss him.  I miss the way he listens to me without judging, and I certainly remember him getting angry for me without me having to even explain myself to him.

After my first breakup with one guy, I remember calling Don and being in tears. I told him about the history of verbal abuse throughout the relationship. I told him how hard it was, how lonely I had been, and how angry I was feeling now that I finally broke up with him.  Don was so pissed, but he was also SO kind and compassionate to me.  He didn't say, "I told you so, you should have chosen me."  No, he's never done that.  He just listens and lets me be.

So, tonight and all of last night, I miss him.  I've been missing him and I'm being cautious not to act on my impulse.  I miss him more than he could ever imagine and I wonder how he is doing, how he feels, and whether he's been hurt by me.  I wish him love and happiness, and more than anything, I want to ask for forgiveness. Now that I know what cheating really is, I feel so stupid and naiive for having rejected his friendship.

I'm sorry Don.  I'm sorry I never chose you and I don't know if I ever will.  But I thank you so much for the safety you give me, the compassion you've expressed to me, and the unwavering support and care that you have given me-- in spirit, across distance, and in silence.  If you're angry at me, I understand.  If you don't ever want to be in touch with me, I also understand.  If you find me fickle, unappreciative, I also agree, and I am trying to grow and change.  I am sorry if I ever hurt you and I'm also sorry that I never told you how important you are to me. You may not know this, but you are irreplaceable in my life and even if we never talk, I will always think of you fondly for the rest of my life.  Your being, your presence in my life, has simply been inspiring.

You are my good guy.