But I don't mean it in a positive way this time around. I wonder if I will ever heal from this relationship and if I will ever be the same without my purity again.
What purity, you ask?
At the most basic, I'd say it's the ability to trust someone else and to trust myself again. One of the best things about being in love is feeling loved, thinking you are loved, and believing that you and someone else in this universe are both on the same page. It's a wonderful, warm, safe, rejuvenating feeling that lifts you into cloud 9. For me, I enjoy loving someone else but also feeling like someone else loves me too, thinks about me too, cherishes being with me too, and that whatever it is I feel, he also experiences, reciprocally.
I will never have that feeling again. Or at least, I will never feel comfortable with that feeling again. What felt so secure, will never be secure again.
This is the damage I think about. This is where I think I will never be the same.
In the future, I will never be able to comfortably assume that with anyone I date, that we are on the same page and that our feelings for each other are reciprocal and mutual. It's not like a romantic comedy movie where you see the girl miss the guy, and you also see the guy miss the girl. No, if you play the last 2 years of my life as a movie, you'd see the girl missing her guy, pining over him and his needs, while he leads a double, triple, heck quadruple life manipulating other women and getting that attention that he loves so much. My life was not the romantic comedy I envisioned it to be, and I don't think I can ever get back to that kind of genre again.
Am I being dramatic and catastrophic right now? Maybe. Probably. Mostly, I just feel sad for me and for all the people in the world who have ever been lied to without them ever knowing it.
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