Just now, I came across some pictures of the woman that I caught B. cheating with when we were together. One of them, I suppose.
In any case, I always thought she would be absolutely gorgeous, stunning, and a million times more beautiful than me.
Surprisingly, she isn't.
And even more surprisingly, is my assumption that she is supposed to be SOO MUCH better than me.
Why did I believe that? Why did I deflate myself so much and inflate someone else in comparison?
I have wasted a lot of time wondering whether he cheated because I'm not ____ (blank) enough. Wondering if it's because I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, fun enough, exciting enough... WHATEVER enough. And I've thought that if I were more _____ (blank), then maybe I would be worthy of being loyal and committed to.
How irrational and stupid that assumption is.
A friend of mine recently laughed in my face when I told her how much I lost my self-esteem from this relationship. She told me that a cheater is a cheater, and that s/he will cheat no matter what. She said to me, "Do you know the guy who cheated on Cindy Crawford?" To which I responded, "No... who?" And she replied, "Who cares! The point is that the guy cheated on Cindy Crawford! Cheating has nothing to do with how beautiful you are, how whatever you are! Cheaters will cheat no matter what!"
She went on to emphasize that a cheater will cheat regardless of the partner they have. Meanwhile, a person who is loyal will never cheat, and that has nothing to do with their partner either. Cheating has nothing to do with how pretty, smart, funny, skilled you are. It's about the cheater. It's about THEM entirely. THEIR personality, THEIR choices, THEIR habits. THEIR issues.
I knew this, actually.
I know all of this at a logical level. I just couldn't really emotionally accept that until.... now. Until I just saw her picture and said to myself, "Really? her? He chose her over me?"
Poor woman. She's done nothing wrong and doesn't really deserve any of my judgment from looking at her picture. It's him. It's always been him and his problems He shouldn't have cheated on me AND he shouldn't have led-her-on. I'm quite sure she never knew he had a girlfriend.
He's good. He's really good at womanizing. He tricks women into thinking they are special when they are not, and he takes no responsibility for their heartache-- mine, or anyone else's. In fact, when he so adamantly claimed that he doesn't cheat, I posed one question to him and asked: "Just tell me this. In all the time that we've been together, have you ever let another woman feel like she might be special to you?" To which he stuttered and hesitated before taking no responsibility and saying that whatever they feel is up to them, and that he has no role in their feelings toward him. AKA he takes no responsibility for leading them on, flirting with them, manipulating them, and then moving on to his next prey.
Could there be a worse response? This is the ultimate example to show just how much of an asshole he really was. And he still is, I'm sure.
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