Ending of a chapter

As of this week, we no longer live in the same city or state, or even region of the country.

Last week, he left a voicemail to say he was leaving for his new job and that he would return to me my favorite Frank Sinatra CD and a pair of earrings that I left at his apartment.  He also had some old binders that he wanted to give me (I am a stationery lover, so I assume that was his way of being friendly, loving, or giving) and said he would leave it with his secretary for me to pick up.  He wished me luck for the future, told me he was fine and that he was back on anti-depressants and then he apologized for being a jerk.

My reaction?

- Happy:  At least he's saying goodbye.
- Disappointed: Why didn't he say he wanted to see me one more time?
- Conflicted: Why do I care if he wants to see me one more time? I broke up with him for cheating and I am the one that said I never want to see or hear from you again.
- Hopeful: Should I call him back to say goodbye in person?
- Sad: He really is leaving. I can't imagine being in that city without him.
- Relieved: He really is leaving. I can have my city back again.
- Surprised: Did he say sorry? What?! He knows he's a jerk? He has remorse? He knows what guilt feels like?
- Validated: Yes, he is a jerk. The biggest jerk I've ever met and finally, finally, finally, he admits to being someone who has constantly been a negative source of energy for me.
- Indifferent: Why are you calling? I said don't contact me ever again.

In the end, I saved his voicemail and never called back.  That is very UNlike me, because I am a huge advocate for closure and for 2 people saying goodbye.  But reality has bitten me in the ass so many times that I've realized it's impossible to really say goodbye peacefully when there has been so much damage down throughout the way.  So I went through an entire day of internal conflict and questioning and cried a lot, thinking about the implications of calling/not calling and knowing that we will never see each other again.

As far as I am concerned, we will never see each other again. Even if we do, a significant chapter of my life has closed and it can never be re-opened again.  We will NEVER live together in the same city again.  We will NEVER work in offices near each other again.  We will NEVER be together again so that we go in and out of the same house, kitchen, living room, bed, and emerge as a couple to go to different places in the city and country.  This chapter of my life is closed and it is a loss, nevertheless.

Goodbye.

I simultaneously feel like saying "good riddance" and also crying out, "don't leave me here alone". As usual, I have so many conflicted feelings.