Permission to be myself

Given how intense my emotions have been, I decided I needed some good self-care and contacted my therapist for some tele-therapy.

I felt so much better after that conversation. My therapist, Angel, let me cry, voice my frustration without judgment, and then she helped me contextualize my feelings. She helped me understand why my reactions have felt so explosive, and to see its connection with deeper-rooted issues.

1. I miss my family, period.  And no matter how unfair it is that I'm putting it onto Jay (or even other friends), the fact of the matter is I feel displaced and I'm looking to fill that void and establish that connection everywhere.
2. I am an organized person that needs a lot of clarity. People communicate differently and it's OK to ask people for more details. Ask! Putting myself out there to have my needs met is better than preserving an image and restricting myself until I can no longer handle having my needs be minimized and I explode with questions. But I'm scared of asking.
3. I have made a lot of sacrifices (consciously or unconsciously) and am trying to understand if those sacrifices are "worth it." I'm trying to understand if my decisions (e.g., moving here!) are the right decisions. I'm unsure, scared, and fearful of past, present, and future decisions I have to make and the sacrifices that come along. For example: Would I choose to permanently stay here because of my relationship with Jay?
4. I adapt easily to accommodate peoples' wants, desires, and preferences. I can anticipate ahead of time what they want and mold myself accordingly. Consequently, I haven't been able to "be myself" in any circumstance. Not professionally, not in my romantic relationship, not even with friends given their overlap with my work. 
5. I live in constant fear of being rejected. I am terrified that something ugly about me will be discovered and I will be abandoned-- with no explanation. That's how my 1st relationship ended and I have since held-on to the assumption that there is something inherently "wrong" with me. I don't know what "it" is, but it's the only thing I can explain for when I try to understand the sudden break-up in my first relationship.

At the end of our session, Angel asked me to think about my life history and to recall when I've had permission to be myself.

Permission to be myself? 

100% me?

Her question stumped me and I realized that I have never felt like that was a possibility. Bam! 

I hadn't know that was how I lived my entire  life. I hadn't known that everything I know about relationships is how to compartmentalize and show only certain parts of myself with particular people.  It's no wonder I have a gajillion friends and yet still feel lonely sometimes. I can adapt to any social group I want and it's because I can identify with certain aspects of people or a group of people. 

But ask me if I've been able to be completely, wholly 100% of myself in a particular group or even with one friend?-- and I don't know if I could say yes to that question.

I don't think I've ever felt like I could be 100% of myself with my parents, either. Definitely not my father, and probably not my mother, if I'm being truly honest. Wow.

Disappointment

How do you prepare from being disappointed by your partner?

I tentatively asked Jay about his upcoming plans because I have a possible social event happening during the same week he'll have vacation time. He texted back to say he'll be going to his parents' home for the weekend but would love to attend such an event with me.

What a nice response.  How disappointing it was for me.  I felt momentarily devastated that he didn't say: "Come home with me for a few days!"

I'm also confused because I don't get why he would "love to" attend an event with me when he obviously has already made important plans!

I'm utterly disappointed which means I had a lot of hope.  I didn't know I had such hopes!  That's the most surprising part. So now I'm kicking myself for having been this hopeful. What the heck was I thinking?! Did I assume that by meeting his parents, he's now going to want to invite me to his childhood home? (secret answer = yes). While I'm partly mad at him, I'm so mad at myself for having an unrealistic expectation. I couldn't respond to his message, actually. It took me a few hours before I could provide a nonchalant text.

So, it's been hours later and I still feel crestfallen. This is why I should have continued to maintain the distinction between I" from "we" and "he" from "me."  He made plans for his vacation and didn't include me. It's perfectly  fine-- people should be able to make plans without each other, especially to hang out with their families!

I'm just disappointed because my expectations were obviously so different.  How mortifying.

One-way relationships

Earlier tonight, I called Jay to say hi. He had just hung up the phone with his mom, and said that she inquired whether I liked them because they really liked me! They hoped I felt the same way because they wanted to leave a positive impression on me!

I was so happy to hear that his parents loved me; and very surprised that they cared about my feelings. 

You see, in my culture, there's no such thing as older generations caring for the opinions of younger generations.  My parents' generation would never inquire whether their children's prospective partners liked them.  No way.  The evaluation is a one-way street, a top-down approach marked by seniority, respect, power, and generation status.  Never in a million years would my parents ask me what Jay thinks about them.  It's not personal, of course.
They're not against Jay nor do they dislike him. However, they would never care to ask what Jay thinks of them because it has no bearing on anything. All that matters is their opinion, end of story.

This cultural difference between our families has me reflecting on my relationships. Especially with older men in the past, I've submitted myself to them with great deference. From a cultural standpoint, I am a younger, Asian woman who despite identifying as a feminist, also subscribes to traditional gender roles at times.  I enjoy that feeling of taking care of my man. I feel a great sense of pride cooking for him, helping him make decisions about domestic issues (e.g., what shirt to get), and being responsible for his health and well-being.  I value my female identity, my nurturer identity, and my womanhood. I get way more satisfaction out of that than than my career identity. Note: Some may discredit me altogether at this point.  But it's who I am, and I get to make that choice. For that reason alone, I still see myself as a feminist.

When matched with the wrong person, such as in relationships when I've been taken advantaged of, my deference toward my male partner, often my older partner (my supposedly-wiser partner), my cultural identity becomes abused. I focus entirely on what he wants, what he thinks, what he likes, and I completely forget that I even have needs. It becomes a one-way relationship focused solely on the other party's perspective rather than balancing the desires of two people in the relationship.

I've mentioned before that I hate the term "co-dependency," "love addition," or whatever word that assumes full responsibility on the individual. Hearing Jay talk about his parents today confirmed that much of my beliefs have also been culturally-based, and not entirely about me being pathological.

My deference is cultural, as is my submissiveness, gender role adherence, and focus on pleasing the other person.  If I can see myself from a cultural perspective, I can also see strength, resilience, and opportunities to experiment in different cultural contexts.

Wow! How empowering that is, and how liberating.  Having had this experience with Jay and his family, I am learning, experientially, and in-the-moment, that I also have a voice and opinion. My perspective also matters! I get to have a say in the relationship as well.

It's so refreshing to know that I matter, my thoughts, opinions, and voice matters, and that people want to hear them. 

I have a voice that can be heard.
I have an opinion that can be spoken.
I have thoughts that are genuinely interesting to others.
My perspective is valued.
I am valued.
And in turn, I am worthy.

A taste of family

In spite of a great weekend, I still feel anxious. There's even more to lose now than before.

I am officially head-over-heels in adoration of both Jay and his family.

During one of our car rides to lunch, I remember sitting in the car together wondering what it would be like if they were my in-laws someday.  I know, I know. Dramatic and over-thinking it?  Definitely. But I tend to live in the future, sometimes. Well, only in relationships and wondering about their future.

I think this is also a reminder of how much I miss my family: my mom, dad, brother, grandparents, that feeling of "home" and being taken care of.

When Jay's parents arrived, they brought a carload full of frozen foods, snacks, and two gigantic packages of toilet paper for both of their sons. They brought, basically, the same things my parents would bring: critical ingredients and flavors from home.

Parents: they take care of you, provide basic needs for you when you're a child, and continue to know (ahead of time) what essentials you will need when you're all grown up.  There aren't enough odes to parents! Although there is no perfect parent, I do think that mine and the ones I know -- are generally self-sacrificing, generous, and completely devoted to their children's well-being.

I mean, don't get me wrong. parents can still mess you up. They can also be well-intentioned at the same time.

Meeting his parents

I had the best experience meeting Jay's parents.

I arrived late Friday night with the intention of leaving Saturday night so that his parents could stay with him. But after dinner together on Saturday night, they insisted that I stay overnight with Jay while they get a hotel room. They thought it was too late to drive the 2.5 hour trip and did not want to disrupt our weekend together. They called me "family" while we were together and emphasized safety.

Jay's parents also treated me like family throughout. Momma Jay offered me a small bottle of face cream that she has used her entire life. She also offered me an orange from their ranch, peanut cakes, and the most delicious chorizo from their hometown. Papa Jay paid for all of our meals together, and throughout the weekend, they loved Mr. Z., and we had the best conversations about pets, cooking, recipes, family experiences. We laughed a lot. They later told Jay to bring me home so that I could experience their hometown. I had been feeling homesick throughout this week and being with Jay's family was perfect! I adore being with both parents and also his his younger brother. It felt so... harmonious. Yes, that's the word.

We spent the better half of Sunday lounging. We parked ourselves in front of Jay's brother's TV, watching movies, eating ice cream, and chatting in-between. Every now and then his mom would disappear into his bedroom to take a nap. Meanwhile, Jay and I dozed on-and-off, waking up intermittently to eat snacks and play with the dog. The entire weekend was unexpectedly comfortable and so much fun. I couldn't have wished for a better experience! I even told Jay on Sunday night that I might adore his parents more than him.

P.S. In addition to all that family time together, Jay and I had a lot of sex this weekend. Morning, night, in bed, on the sofa, on the exercise ball...  it seriously doesn't get better than this and I am now going to have a difficult time returning back to reality.

Having shared values

I'm heading over to Jay's tonight and in the morning, his parents will be driving into-town. What will this weekend be like? I've been stressing out about the living arrangement ever since last week!

With his parents in-town:

• Should I still sleep over? 
• If so, how would we (all 4 of us) sleep in a 1-bedroom apartment?
• Can I bring Mr. Z again?

Jay had replied yes to my 1st question last weekend, but I've still been confused. Fortunately, I checked-in with him last night to ask about Mr. Z and to ask if I should sleep over on Saturday. His response:

"I think it might be best if we just did Friday night. At least for the first time you meet my parents. Is that OK?"

Um, yes. Absolutely, yes. I'd prefer it that way, actually. The last thing I want is to have his parents think of me as some loose girl who sleeps over easily with boys. How mortifying. Especially in my culture, their perception of me would also reflect on my family as well. That is simply unacceptable if they judge my family by association. Also, I can't imagine all 4 of us (plus Mr. Z) in a small apartment staring at each other throughout the weekend.

Still, I am a teeny disappointed that he doesn't want me to stay the entire weekend. I have mixed feelings of course, but I'm mostly relieved. Without being consumed by anxiety, I also have feelings of gratitude! It's so nice to have shared values with the person you're dating-- especially because this is a fundamental value, right? How to introduce your parents to your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Double-dating with brothers

One of the best parts of yesterday was spending time with Jay's brother and his girlfriend, Cathy. They joined us toward the later part of the night so we had dinner together. They've been in a 3-year long-distance relationship so Cathy has had extensive history with both brothers and their parents! She talked at length about how great their parents were, and how excited she was for me to meet them this weekend. As though I wasn't already secretly excited, her enthusiasm was got me even more pumped! I couldn't be happier luckier that Cathy will be in town so that we can spend time with their parents together.

Toward the end of dinner, I excused myself to go to the restroom and Cathy asked to join me. In that short amount of time, she detailed to me, her relationship history with Jay's brother and their plans to be reunited in the next half-year. She also asked about Jay and my plans for the future, to which, I couldn't answer her question.

All I could say was that our relationship is new and I'm not sure what the future holds. Having been in my predicament in her relationship, Cathy expressed empathy and said that it was similar when she first met jay's brother. She exhibited such excitement for our relationship, exclaiming how cute we were as a couple and how evident it is that Jay and I like and enjoy being with each other.

While we were in the restroom, I also blurted out to Cathy how intimidating it is to date Jay given his previous relationship being 10 years-long! How do you follow something like that? Cathy's reaction was magnificent though. At first, she was surprised that it was such a long courtship between them. Then she added, "oh, but she was a bitch!"

As petty, un-feminist, and embarrassing as it is to admit-- I was so pleasantly surprised to hear such a negative reaction of Jay's ex Apparently, based on Cathy's report, Jay's ex-girlfriend was quite vulgar and would curse in front of their parents! Of course, I can't confirm if that's actually true. However, it is quite appalling to imagine such a level of disrespect. Additionally, it's nice to have something to be able to differentiate myself from her; knowing I could never do or say anything like that.  

But then again, I also wondered if anyone would ever describe me that way: vulgar.  I want to say no, but my humor can be pretty crude and my jokes can be perverted. Is that the same as vulgar? I hope not! I'd really like to be different from his last girlfriend.

Cathy was very expressive about wanting to spend more time together to talk about the brothers. Her openness, friendliness, and enthusiasm was contagious and fun. She already feels like a little sister and at the end of the night, my friends remarked she could be my potential and future sister-in-law. They were joking when they said this of course-- but my heart skipped a beat and I wondered about the possibilities...  I do love double dates and group outings; and yesterday was the best of everything and more.

The upcoming weekend is quickly approaching and I am so excited to spend time with what could potentially be my future family. (Is that so exaggerated and dramatic?) I am pretty embarrassed and excited at the same time.

Having needs vs. being needy

Jeremy Grey: I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.

(Quote from one of my favorite movies: Wedding Crashers) 

I called my therapist this week and cried. We haven't spoken in 6 months, and without taking time to catch-up, I told her about Jay and the anxiety that is eating me alive. She reminded me to think about asking questions as addressing my needs versus being clingy or needy.  Last year around this time, she had caught me using those words to describe myself-- and we talked about my fear of appearing clingy or needy in a relationship. She said that in a span of 5 minutes, she counted me saying those words 4 times to describe myself!

I am fearful of having conversations with Jay about what I want need.  Asking for something from him feels needy.  I imagine that other people don't need or want as much as I do.  I envision seeing myself from a third-party perspective and I feel embarrassed of what I see. I am demanding, overwhelming, and asking for so much. Probably too much. I fear that he will think that I am too much and then he will leave. So I shut my mouth and stuff my questions inside, saved for when I am alone.

My wonderful therapist reminded me that I have always been curious and needed answers-- not only in romantic relationships-- but throughout my life.  In childhood, when I wondered about my parents' marriage under the threat of divorce, I had a million questions then:

• Who will I live with if you separate? 
• Will I ever see mom again? 
• Will I ever see my brother again?
• Am I going to survive living with dad?
• Can I survive with you?
• What am I supposed to do?
• How am I supposed to make the situation better?
• Should I act tough even though I'm terrified?
• I am so scared, can someone please explain what is happening to me.

Decades later, I still have these questions, although they are now in adult relationships and the anxiety is even more intense.

Outside of relationships, I also have a similar pattern when it comes to learning. I have curiosity and questions that need to be answered before I can move forward in work, school, etc. Back in 3rd grade, I had to complete an entire page of fractions during one class session. At the time, I was still confused about fractions and wanted to solve 1-2 problems to ensure their accuracy before moving forward with the rest of the worksheet. However, my teacher forbade us from making any noise or disturbance. We had to sit silently and fill-out all those questions at once. I could not do it.  I could not finish that worksheet because of my insecurity that I didn't know how to solve fractions. I feared everything would be incorrect if I just did them my way without checking the answer first. So, I ended up pretending to need kleenex and walking around the classroom to see how my friends were responding.  My teacher "caught" me walking and I got in major trouble. And yes, she was shitty teacher.

Today, this pattern remains and is how I operate. I need to see how something is done before I do it. I need to hear it, then observe it, and finally, I can do it myself. I need all my questions answered. After which, I flourish via scaffolding, assurance, building-up small dosages of confidence and self-efficacy. Once I have that system in place, I can hit the ground running and do 10X more than other people. My productivity is unbeatable once I'm assured of what I'm doing. Without that initial foundation, however, I am insecure, confused. I am a... child. Wow, I hadn't realized that until I wrote it out.  I feel lost, unsure, dubious of myself and what I should be doing. Much like how I feel now, which I suppose makes me regress to being... a child.

So,  I guess those same questions I asked when I was a kid? Those are the exact same fears in my adult romantic relationships now.


(photo courtesy: ever upward)

I am love-able challenge: Day 2

I am loveable because... 

I try to love others the way they want to be loved.

With Valentine's day coming up, I'm very aware of how my single friends feel, and especially my recently-single brother. A few months ago, when he underwent a minor surgery for a staph infection, I sent him chocolate-covered strawberries & apples to wish him a happy recovery. He said it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him. Especially since his own girlfriend (at the time) didn't even take the day off of work to check on him.

Fast-forward a few months and it is almost Valentine's day, and he is a recently-single, heart-broken young man, fresh out of a 4-year-relationship. Today is probably a hard day for him. If you think I'm all about commitment, then wait until you meet my little brother. His only relationships have been long-term, and I'm talking lonnnnng term. His 1st girlfriend ever lasted about the same number of years and they were high school sweethearts who went to college together! He is all about marrying his first girlfriend, and if not the 1st, then definitely, the 2nd. He is completely heartbroken, and has been for the last month. So today, I have done my best to contact him, wish him love, and remind him of how loved he is! 

Unfortunately, I can't send my brothers any delectables because he is living abroad. I don't even know how I would order something online in the language of the country! Still, I had good intentions and I think he knows I'm trying to convey my love in the best way that I can. Sometimes, it's not enough to just love someone. We need to express it their way: the way they understand and want to be loved!

Similarly, I strive to love Jay in his way by giving him the bicycle-related apparatus he's been wanting. Why? Because he loves biking! If it were based on my decision, I would not encourage him to bike in the dark, much less buy him bicycle lights for nighttime commuting. But this is for him, right? And not me. So, I'll love him in his way. With bicycle lights.

When the boyfriend and parents meet...

I am eating the words from my last post.

My boyfriend and parents met each other this weekend.
The experience ended up being quite disappointing.

Mom and dad did not speak very much to him. Partly, that was due to the bustle of the city and the excitement of the nightlife and partying all around us.  Another part of it was the language barrier and their unfamiliarity with English.  Jay was quite shy, now that I think about it. But it's not completely on him. Both sides could have taken a more active stance in initiating conversations with each other.  I did the best I could, but alas, it was... awkward and uncomfortable since it was just me pulling hard to no avail.

On Saturday afternoon, Jay drove to meet up with us a few miles out of the city so he could park his car and we could ride into town together. When he arrived, we swapped seats so he could drive my car since he knows the neighborhood better. As we sat in the front, mom and dad said barely nothing to him-- nothing in English, that is.  I could hear them speak in my native tongue, though. Dad made comments about Jay's height, weight, speculating on numbers and making jokes throughout.  It was rude, insensitive, and I was mortified. I felt incredibly protective of Jay after that, and when we took a walk together at the park, I pulled him to the front and we walked separately from my parents.  At one point, my mom waved at me and told me walk faster. Can you believe it? She later told me she meant it as: lead the way.  Sure, mom, as though that's really what you meant.

The rest of the night operated like 4 people on 2 different dates. I felt stuck-- in the middle of two parties of people who had no interest in getting to know one another. My parents didn't ask him any questions, other than "do you cook at home?" while I was in the restroom. As for Jay, he was also quite passive. He did not initiate asking even one question-- I didn't notice that about him until I talked with friends today and they suggested he might have been shy.

Jay gets a break on this though, because I continue to feel protective of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed my dad's evaluative judgment towards him. If anything, I feel like mama bear now. I left that date feeling even more nurturing of him, wanting to do more to take care of him, and feeling more committed to him to shield him from all negative energy-- including that of my parents'.

I drove home that night feeling disappointed, angry, and then even more disappointed in my parents. Why couldn't they have been more host-like? 

I have since started doubting this relationship, wondering if the dynamic will always be like this if I date someone who's of a different race and language background as my parents. Was this meeting an omen of any relationship I have with someone who is not the same as me? Is this a sign of Jay and my incompatibility down the line?

Whatever the answer is, my heart feels gloom. I can't help but wonder if Jay feels what I feel now. I feel anxious thinking about his experience of our date, and his interpretation of what's to come. What if he doesn't want me after this? What if that experience was so blah for him, that he's also re-evaluating me and this relationship?

Reading between the lines

As in every romantic relationship, I find myself reading between the lines all the time. Does he mean x when he says y? Does he think y when he actually wants z? Is he pretending to suggest z when when he's actually trying to convey x?

With thoughts like these in my head, I can never stop.  I cannot stop to smell the flowers and enjoy what I have. I am too busy searching for thorns in the roses and anticipating being poked and inevitably bleeding to death.

Sound dramatic? It's exactly how my heart feels and I have the perfect example from this weekend:

Today is actually Jay's birthday and since we are a bit of a distance away, we celebrated over the weekend. Before coming, he said he'd be leaving early on Sunday morning to get back home to do fun outdoor activities with his brother. I secretly breathed a sigh of relief that he was leaving early. His plan worked out perfectly for me because I had a ton of work to do and I desperately needed Sunday to play catch-up. But the fact that Jay said he was leaving early threw me for a loop because he was the one wanting distance, not me. And so, my feelings of insecurity, doubt, rejection flooded over. I took his request to mean that he no longer liked me and he would prefer to spend time doing other things with other people who are not me.

**As I write this down, I recognize the absurdity of my logic, but at the moment, my feeling of being subtly rejected was soo soo strong.

I told my brother how much this bothered me and I expressed sadness and confusion. Why isn't he maximizing his birthday weekend with me? Why doesn't he want to spend as much together as possible? What does it mean that he's not wanting to stay through to Sunday? Why?

My brother's response?

''He's coming all the way up to spend a couple of days with you. On the last day of the weekend, you have a ton to do. And he's leaving, so it all works out. This works out perfectly! The universe has spoken."

Oh, was all I could say. Fine, I muttered, before walking away with my tail tucked between my legs. My brother made a great point. Obviously Jay likes me. He was willing to drive 2.5 hours to see me this weekend, and also every weekend that he's come up since October!

Why couldn't I see that earlier? Why did I only see the glass half-empty, the bottle ready to be discarded? Ahem, I am this metaphorical bottle. Why did I have to analyze everything so that the outcome is always that he is done with me?

The logical part of me believes that we all create narratives in our head that function like blueprints. My blueprint is always the same. It's being left, being abandoned, being left in the dust before I even realize its over.

Must I replay this blueprint time and time again?

In some ways, I know the answer is yes and it is the right answer. I've been left before. I've been abandoned before. I've been left in the dust, billowing and waiting for years before realizing he has long gone. I will never be that gullible again. I never want to be such a fool again. I will never be so unprepared about being walked out on and experiencing the shock that is pain. My blueprint serves a function and an acquired survival skill that I learned the very very hard way. While it may not always be healthy, I've had to learn to put up my guard to read between the lines.

Time with mom

My mom came to visit this week and our time together flew by.

It's like she disappeared into the night or something-- I can't believe she came and went already.

This week, I completely detached myself from work, school, emails, responsibilities, and spent quality time with my mom. We had 4 days together, in total, and most of it was spent shopping, trying on clothes (often in my closet), laughing, eating, and talking. I enjoyed every single second of it, even though there were times when I was annoyed that she kept trying to (over)feed me.

My mom is my best friend and has always been-- since I was a kid.  I can do anything, be anything, and say anything around her. I can simply be, and I had forgotten how comforting it was to be able to feel at ease with someone else around me.

Before mom came, I had been a bit anxious about entertaining her.  But once she got here, that wasn't a problem whatsoever. Mom took care of me, instead. She bought me all sorts of things: groceries, to begin with! clothes! And she also got me a ton of cooking appliances that I've been secretly wanting and saving up for so that I can buy it for myself one day. My mom got me a juicer, a crockpot, and she also got me a scale.  I've been window-shopping for a scale for the past 6 months, actually, and it took mom being here for me to finally commit to one. Ha!

My best time with my mom was every single second, literally.  I loved cooking with her, eating with her, sitting in the car with her, and talking to her before we fell asleep at night. I miss my mom!

I mean, I really miss my mom! After waving her off at the airport, I walked back to the car, sat down, and burst into tears realizing how lonely I am, now that I have experienced a week of feeling immensely loved and accepted for who I am.

Moms are so special, and for me, she is truly irreplaceable. She is the person that tells me to stay being true to myself, and to encourage me and remind me of my strengths amidst my imperfections.  Basically, she tells me this (and who doesn't need someone to tell us that?):

Oh, mother-child relationships

As I laid in bed this morning listening to the tree branches tapping wildly in my bedroom window because of the freak-crazy winds we are getting, I thought about Robert.  I recently heard this quote from a therapist about relationships, and have been thinking about it ever since: "The relationships we have with our mothers influences all of our subsequent relationships."

I suppose I knew this theory/perspective. But I hadn't applied to to Robert until this morning, when I suddenly remembered a conversation I had with his friend over Christmas break.  She had said that Robert complains quite a bit about living at home and taking care of his mom.  His friend had thought he was taking no responsibility for doing nothing with his life and using his mom as an excuse. Why is he pinning his frustrations on her when he can easily move out and and pursue life at full-force without attributing all this responsibility on her?

Now, I don't know if Robert has told his friends that his mom had been diagnosed with cancer.  He is so secretive that I wouldn't be surprised if he's hidden all of that. But I'd guess that if they knew about the cancer, they'd have some sympathy.  Judging from his friend's annoyance toward him, however, I'd say... they probably don't know.

Nevertheless, I started to think about Robert's relationship with me and whether he felt that same burden and annoyance when it comes to his relationship with his mom.  Was our relationship such a drag for him too? Did he feel like he had to do a lot of care-taking with me?

I love Robert for so many reasons, one of them being his love for his mom.  Leaving me to take care of his mom is actually the best excuse one could ever have, if someone were to dump me for another woman. But for him to gripe about the care-taking makes me wonder who he is, and what I know about him, if anything at all. Who is Robert, anyways? Why does he do what he does? How did/does he see me? And is his perception indicative of reality?

The greatest mystery of my life, sadly, is our break-up.  On my deathbed one day, I will wonder with defeat, "why? what happened?" in the same way I wonder about it today. I've considered Robert's reasons to be the reality, so if Robert says, "because you suck", then that would be the truth.  But what if Robert simply has his own issues and simply hates being responsible and committed to another person, entirely? Then am I to blame for our break-up? Do I still hold myself accountable, as though I could have changed our break-up?

My mind's a-reeling.

Family of Origin Issues

Stability. I've always lived without it. I always thought that when I meet the love of my life, then I'll have it.   I imagined that once I'm in a relationship, he (whoever he is) will give me that much-needed stability I've been craving in my life.

They say dogs need rules, boundaries, and limitations.  When pet-owners are inconsistent in their disciplining or in their training or even in their energies, dogs can sense the instability, and they will act-out.  I've actually heard that humans are the only species that follow unstable pack leaders.  Unlike us, animals can sense strength (or lackthereof) in one another; and they will choose to follow only that one who provides stability and security.

In my family-of-origin life, I have never had stability.  In fact, I just had a very intimate talk with my mom about relationships, love, sex, and womanhood (another entry will definitely need to be written about that), and it turns out that she's never experienced stability either.  If I can trace my insecurities and fears to the original point, I know that my fears come from my mom leaving me. I lived in fear mostly my whole life-- terrified that my mom would leave me and I would be stuck with my dad.  My relationship with my dad has improved significantly over the past few years.  On the surface, we are a happy, close-knit family, and in many ways, we are now.  Kind of.  But my childhood years were more overtly unhappy, and consistently unpredictable and fear-provoking.  I have attributed that mostly to my mom's constant threats of divorce and taking my brother with her. I lived in perpetual fear that she would have abandoned me and left me with my dad.

In my talk with my mom tonight, she talked about her experience as a victim rather than the person who was always with the power of leaving. She talked about her experience of being a woman in an emotionally-unfulfilling marriage. She talked about losing her sense of self in her marriage and the sacrifices she has made since the beginning. She sacrificed herself in a marriage that even at the beginning, she knew wouldn't be good. But she believed that she loved him "more", so she decided to suffer and to go through with it.

Suffer.  What a stupid, stupid word.  Why did we ever decide to glorify that word as though it were badge of honor?  In some cultures, and I'll talk specifically about the culture of traditional women as well as some East Asian cultures and some religious cultures, suffering is considered to be a virtue, and one that will give you extra credit in your next life.  The mentality is that suffering will lead to better outcomes later, either for yourself or for someone else important to you.

The more I learn about suffering, the more I see its deleterious effects.  My mom married someone that was incompatible with her.  She felt suffocated from the irreconciliable differences but decided to "suffer"-- all the while vowing to divorce my dad one day so that she could leave one day and live her life her way.  And while she thinks she's done something noble -- whether it's for my brother and I, or for the sanctity of marriage-- her suffering has made her a victim.  And by default, it has affected the whole family too.  I am completely messed up because of our family dynamic, and my brother surely is affected too.

Because of this suffering, because of this marriage, I have always felt stuck in the middle between everyone, always mediating everyone's fights, always trying to keep things as calm as possible in the fear that this family will be broken apart.  I lived in fear my entire life, scared that my mom would leave, and that my family will be ripped to pieces.  I felt even more scared for me, thinking my mom would leave me with my dad, and that I would never see her or my brother again.  I lived in fear of my dad for so many reasons.  The most basic ones because that he is just so different from all of us: his beliefs, his way of doing things, his values, etc. etc.

As I have grown older, I continue to be in relationships that are unstable and unpredictable.  I stay with men who don't love me (but I can't let go of because they're like my dad and I feel guilty wanting to leave him too).  In those same romantic relationships, I fear that I will be left because I have grown up being so scared about being abandoned by the one adult who was nurtured me.  I felt she was my life raft in a deadly waterfall and I gripped onto her for dear life.  It's different now that I'm an adult. As a parentified child who mediates my parents' fights (as well as their triangle disputes with my brother), I grow more and more protective of each of them.  I am now concerned for them, and it's not just based on me losing my family.  I feel like I need to take care of them, watch out for them, and be there for them. I fear for my dad that my mom will leave him one day.  I fear for my mom what she would do if she were to ever leave.  She does not have her own career or her income.  She also has lost her identity in her marriage and in our family. As I talked with my mom tonight, she told me about the emotional emptiness she's experienced even when she got married.  She talked about putting all her love, energy, attention, focus on the family.  She talked about how she put every bit of herself into me and my brother and that we are her everything.  Should my parents ever separate someday, even in their older age, what would that mean for my brother and me? How do we juggle taking care of both parents when they have done everything for us but are not able to co-exist together? How do you repay someone who dedicated her life entirely to you because she was so devoid of what she needed in her marriage?

My parents currently live apart right now for business reasons.  My dad is abroad because his work requires him to be.  When he retires one day, my mom and dad will likely reunite and live together again.  What will that be like, we all wonder? My mom dreads the day that happens which I hadn't known.  Apparently she doesn't want to even think of that day, and she does not know what the future holds for her and my dad.  What does that mean, I asked?  To which my mom responded with an answer I subconsciously knew.  It all depends on the kids-- meaning me and my brother.  Because my mom gave everything to this family, she will depend entirely on us.  My mom's identity is rooted in us. Her livelihood rests in us. Her future depends on us. I already knew that before she even said it.  I know that if she ever chooses to leave one day, she will rely on us 110% to give her a sense of stability, identity, and belongingness.

You see, when we were in high school, my brother and I would take-turns going out and staying home. We lived with just my mom and it felt selfish to leave her home alone when she would never do that to us. As an adult, because I have moved far away now, I don't actually have to face this all the time, but my brother does.  I know he feels guilty when he goes out.  For someone in his mid 20s, going out feels wrong because I'm sure he doesn't want to abandon my mom to leave her alone at home.  My brother and I both have a strong sense of responsibility for my mom.  We both know what it's like to feel unstable, and we both fear that she will feel unstable if we weren't home.  And because I'm a little closer to my dad, I worry for my dad too. I wonder if he feels alone and what would happen should my mom ever leave him. What will become of him and his identity? He works so hard for us, for the family.  What would losing her do to him?

As for my own issues in relationships I am slowly recognizing that my break-ups hit me hard because they always signify the end of my hope for stability.  My original family doesn't have much stability, so I anticipated my future family to give me that.  I projected all of my hopes and expectations onto my partner. I lost my identity in each relationship so that I could just blend in, adapt, and be accepted into whatever life my partner has. No wonder my relationships implode. If I were already married, I expect my life would be like my mom's.  I would have no identity. I would be emotionally lonely and alone. I would have to invest myself in something else to compensate for the absence of emotional connection, the lack of stability once again.

I firmly believe now and today that suffering is unnecessary, and even worse, detrimental to yourself and your future generations.  Is it my fault that I've tried so hard to keep my parents together over the years? Do I contribute to the dysfunction that affects my family collectively but also individually?  Throughout my life, there has been nothing more scary than the thought of my family breaking up.  As I reflect on this idea more rationally and in a less-detached manner, however, I can't help but wonder... what if they had divorced one another and gone on to find better partners for themselves? What if a divorce meant they would be happier? More fulfilled with their lives? What if separating meant that my mom would live a more meaningful life and she would have a stronger identity outside of her family? My mom invested everything in us because she was so disappointed in her marriage and in her connection with my dad.  What if she had found someone who she could connect with emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Would she be healthier now? Happier? And in turn, would my brother and I have flourished because we were free to leave the house? To explore? If we hadn't felt obligated to babysit or care-take my mom, would we be able to find stronger senses of identities for ourselves?

I suppose this is all speculation.  I'm just wondering now about all the things I've been scared to think about before.  I leave a quote for myself in this entry: "What we do not know always seems to be terrifying. But what we know isn't necessarily better."  I know my parents are together today. I know my mom is unfulfilled, lost, and passively waiting for the next step of her life. I know that my dad does not know how unhappy she is. I know that my brother has not found his identity yet. I know that I keep looking for relationships to give me stability and that I live in constant fear of abandonment and loss. Given all that I know at this point, I am beginning to wonder if what I don't know isn't so terrifying anymore.

Week 1: Out of the forest

Week 1 at home!

For my first 3 days here, I was in pure vacation-mode.  I didn't really want to journal, and I didn't need to journal because I wasn't feel any heartache.  But then... a few things happened and I definitely want to write about it to process it all out of my system. I'll devote this entry to the first thing that happened-- and it has to do with B.

A few days ago, I watched a soap opera with my family called "sisters/sisterhood".  It is a show about three sisters (and also best friends) and the relationships they have with each other and their respective families.  Because I never watch the show, I happened to watch the episode when the youngest sister discovers her husband's affair with another woman. She is devastated, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and immobile.  She takes her young daughter to her parents' home so that she can get-away to process all that has happened.

As I watched this episode, I found myself feeling a strange sense of community with this actress, this character, this woman. She knows how I feel.  Her experience is similar to mine. She is going through what I went through. It was so weird how connected I felt to her, and it was so validating at the same time.  I don't know how people respond to infidelity.  I have never seen anyone react to cheating.  Other than my own experience, I have no sources for comparison.  As such, I don't know whether my feelings are... normal or typical or just flat-out appropriate. About 15 minutes after the show ended, my family and I were sitting around watching a commercial when suddenly, I started bawling.  The tears just erupted out of me and I found myself unable to stop crying.  I heard myself crying too.  The sounds that came out of me were so raw that it almost scared me. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt the pain come out of my stomach. I gasped for air and found myself panting and taking huge gasps of air because of how hard I was crying.  It was uncontrollable.  My grandma had gone into the kitchen to make some tea, and when she heard me, she rushed back to see what was happening.  "Why, Sher? What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you like this? Is it because of what happened to that character on the show? Do you pity her, is that why? What's wrong? Please stop crying!" My mom, also in the kitchen, just told her to let me cry it out. And I did.  The whole process was intense but also brief, lasting probably about 5 minutes. When I calmed back down, I simply continued what I was doing earlier -- folding paper boxes for my grandma while watching TV.  My family was kind enough not to mention this incident and to act like the whole scenario never happened.  I was grateful for that.

Still, my sudden outpour of emotions caught-me-off-guard. I haven't thought much about B. recently, and I hadn't realized that he/we still had such an effect on me.  After all, I talk about him therapy, I have journaled about him, cried about him, cut-off all contact with him.  So why did I respond so dramatically?  Also, why was my reaction so delayed? I didn't cry while watching the show.  It was only afterwards that my thoughts and feelings sunk in.  Is this how I generally process pain?  After it's happened?

I remember when B. cheated on me and I ended up taking him back.  Life proceeded quite normally afterwards and my friends and family could not understand how I was able to do that. Where was my "healthy anger?" they asked.  Why are you not responding in the normal way people respond to betrayal?  Why are you not livid? How can you act like nothing has happened?  I couldn't fully explain it then.  All I knew was that I had to hold-it-together for the time being. I had to get-through it logically, and only afterwards, I will then deal with the emotions. I described my strategy as escaping and surviving.  I was running through a forest feeling chased by something big, fast, and scary. I did not have time to stop, think, reflect, or get emotional. I had to run as fast as I could without using any cognitive capacities other than my animal instinct to get out ASAP. I'll think later. I'll reflect later. Once I am in the clear, once I am safe and far far away from danger, then I can allow myself to stop, turn around, and attend to my feelings.  For the time being, I need to just survive. And if that means suppressing my feelings knowing it will overwhelm me and my ability to function-- then so be it.  I will numb myself out until I have the capacity to deal with my feelings.

Well, I'm out of the forest now.  I'm done with that relationship now.  I'm away from danger, from betrayal, from expectations, from disappointment, from hurt and pain inflicted by B. because I am finally away from B. I am safe now because he is far away and cannot just show up randomly. I am protected because I have blocked him online and because I ignore all calls that are "blocked".  I have no wants or desires associated with him, as such, there is no possibility for me to be disappointed or hurt by him.  He can't touch me anymore.  Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually.  I'm no longer being chased.  I'm no longer escaping or running.  I can now stop, look back, and feel.

Setting the foundation for a relationship

I drove out to the country this weekend to visit my ex-neighbor (and friend) Brenda, and her family.  I met Brenda about 6 months ago actually, when we found out we were neighbors living across the hall from each other.  She has these 4 amazing kids who are well-behaved, loving, and adorable. Other than that, we had so much in common and quickly soon-after, I found myself visiting their apartment frequently to say hi to the kids, pop-in for a snack, or to even drop-off desserts that I made and that I wanted to share.  About 2 months ago, Brenda and her boyfriend moved into a house where they merged together her 4 kids and his 2 teenagers.  To me, they are the modern-day Brady Bunch who are much younger in age and also of a different ethnicity.  They are also one of the best couples I have ever known: individually and together.  I love her boyfriend almost as much as I love Brenda!

In addition to bringing a home-warming present to Brenda, I also went to celebrate her recent engagement to her now-fiancee! Just 3 days ago, Brenda and her boyfriend went to Florida for a short, quick 3-day vacation and on that beach, he proposed to her!  It was exactly what she wanted: a private, romantic, and meaningful celebration! She was also surprised by his attention to detail, considering he got her a ring that was especially designed with sapphires around the edges (her favorite) and 6 surrounding mini diamonds to represent each one of their children! Her ring is gorgeous and is one of the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever seen.

So, yesterday, as we chatted over her homemade corn and chicken soup, I found myself feeling immersed in a household of love love and more love.  Just entering her house made me feel... special. Her 4- and 5- year old tugged at me to go play tea party and legos, and her older kiddos rushed over to play with Mr. Z. and to say long time no see!  Whereas I planned to spend a couple of hours at her place that night, I ended up staying until 4am-- exactly 12 hours-- just hanging out with her, her fiancee, and her kids.  We caught up on the last 2 months of our lives and talked about life, love, relationships, compromises, and being true to ourselves.  She talked about the love she has for her fiancee, and about the importance of respecting each other and accepting each other for who they are.  Brenda has survived multiple unhealthy relationships and fought hard to maintain her journey to happiness. She has finally found someone who love her for her.  And she has carried, with dignity, her values to love, trust, and believe in what is good without having to compromise her identity.  I know this all sounds vague, but what it comes down to is having values and self-respect.

To begin, Brenda reminded me that women are the ones who should be in-charge of setting-up how the relationship looks like with her partner.  Basically, we see how men treat one another.  We see how they talk to each other roughly, that they are socialized to show be stoic and emotionless, that they are callous at times because that is the definition of being "manly."  That is the male form of communication and if we want a relationship that looks different from that, then we must ask for it! Expect it! And implement the boundaries to ensure that we protect ourselves when we do not get it.  In short, we have to lead the way: to teach them about respect and to believe that we are deserving of others' respect and love.

As an example, Brenda talked about having fights in their relationship and mutually agreeing with her fiancee that it is unacceptable to ever engage in name-calling. Whenever one of them feels provoked enough to possibly hurl insults, they take a 15 minute time-out before re-convening to discuss the situation.  A while ago, when they were playing a game with each other, her fiancee had jokingly called her a "bitch".  She immediately stopped the game and had a serious conversation with him about the gravity of that term.  She felt disrespected by his name-calling and wanted to make sure it never happened again.  She reasoned that if you can use that term once, even jokingly, then it will be that much easier to use that label again when he is feeling emotional (i.e., mad) one day.  She said that even if he was saying that term in good humor that she had to stop it immediately to make sure he never uses a derogatory terms toward her again.  She had to set the standard from the outset, both for her own sense of self-respect and to prevent any deterioration in their relationship in the future.

At first, Brenda's fiancee was very annoyed by her rigidness and had turned away from her afterwards and told her she was too inflexible.  After all, she had stopped the game and made it so very serious when he was kidding!  He was annoyed at the interruption but she refused to budge. She maintained that she would not compromise on this issue!  It was a good thing too, because a few days later, he realized that she was right. He came to her one night and said he "got it!" He could see her perspective that name-calling, even in a joking manner, might open the door to future name-calling in a different context!

This example, although quite superficial by nature (since it is about name-calling) was actually very profound and made me think about the importance of setting boundaries.  When we say no the first time, then we set the foundation for how we can be treated in the future.  When we respect ourselves and trust ourselves the first time, we set the stage for how others treat us.  We set-up expectations for the relationships, and create standards for treating ourselves and one another.  We become models for the other person. We begin to help ourselves and our partners become better people and better partners

Thinking about this makes me wonder why I always took a backseat in my relationships.  Why did I always let my partner(s) decide what is "good" and what is "bad"?  Why was I always worried about his happiness as opposed to my happiness? Why didn't I ever think of my needs within the relationship? Why did I always consider only his needs, his wants, and his feelings in the relationship, and not mine our even ours? If I don't value myself and respect myself (because I'm always discounting me), then how am I setting a standard for anyone else to value and respect me?

A relationship takes work. effort. energy. compromise.  It takes leadership as well, and a lot of self-love and self-respect to know what is acceptable and what is not.  It take confidence to express what is healthy and what is unhealthy.  It takes boundaries to say when it is going well, and when it needs working on.  It takes 2, but it takes 2 people who are able to think of themselves as individuals and as a team.

I need to work on being a leader for myself.

Contentment

Throughout my process of navigating grief, loss, and past loves, I have neglected to write a little bit about the current love of my life: Mr. Z.  He may be a dog, alright, but he certainly shows me love everyday and makes me feel like I am special, important, and a very necessary part of his life.

When I was home over the last week and a half, my family fell head-over-heels-in-love with Mr. Z.  They adored him, and in turn, he loved them all: each and every one of them.  Funnily enough, this scenario is always what I wished for.  I always hoped I could one day be with someone (ahem, a mature man) who could blend into my family and win all of their loves.  I wished that he would embrace my family with the same love I have for them, and that they would reciprocate a similar level of respect and liking towards him.  Thus far, I have not met a boy like that.  And I have not ever brought a boy home who was like that.

Mr. Z., however, did all of that and more. And to this day, he continues to surprise me because of the joy that fills my heart when I see him.  Perhaps me doesn't surprise me; I surprise me!  My feelings for him surprise me! While I was at home, my brother commented on how much I loved Mr. Z. and asked if I had ever felt that way for anyone before.  My answer?  No.  Absolutely and positively no.  The feelings that I have for Mr. Z., I would have never labeled it as "love".  It's not on-par with the feelings I have had for ex-boyfriends.  It is totally different.

The way I feel for Mr. Z. is so natural, so easy going, and so secure.  Perhaps that is why it is unlike any other romantic relationship I have ever had.  I don't try to change him.  I don't have any expectations of him.  And I don't fear that one day he will leave me or that he will love me less than before.  I simply think about him when I can, wonder what's best for him, and try to give him as much as I can to maximize his health and well-being.  That's it.  That is all I do.  Is that love?  If so, then I'm finally understanding what pure, raw, unconditional love is.  And I have never felt that for anyone before.  Ever.