Re-creating closure

I've been feeling crazy lonely these days, which is strange because up until recently, I was enjoying my alone-ness and feeling empowered about being happily alone.

The more lonely I've been feeling, the more vulnerable I've felt.  And the more vulnerable I am, the more I've resorted to thinking about Robert.  Which makes me wonder... which came first: the chicken or the egg?

For me, does vulnerability come first and then my thoughts about breakups? Or do I think about breakups first and then feel vulnerable afterwards?

I spent the past few nights crying about Robert.  Why? No reason. No reason, whatsoever.

It all started when my mom brought up Robert in our phone conversation the other day. She casually mentioned that we were actually quite similar and that she is just as perplexed about him as I am. I was shell-shocked because for so many years, she's always said we were ridiculously opposites of one another and it could have never ever worked.

As she talked, I started to get emotional, wondering about all the should haves, would haves, could haves.  I cried and cried when I went to bed that night, feeling haunted by our relationship, and feeling broken-hearted about how we ended.  At the very least, why aren't we friends? At the very least, why couldn't be at least amiable to each other?

For 3 nights in-a-row, I cried and cried about Robert and had imaginary conversations with him about our breakup. I imagined shaking him and asking the Robert I used to know to come back so that I can have just one more conversation with him.  I remember when I saw Robert a few years ago, I couldn't connect with him and starting into his eyes was like looking into the eyes of a stranger.  It was heartbreaking, as if a different soul possessed his body altogether.

I just need to say goodbye to him.  That's what I need.  Because Robert and I ended so strangely, so abruptly, I think I have no closure from him, no matter how hard I have tried to create it by myself. So I laid in bed the other night telling him goodbye and telling him that he was so meaningful in my life, and  that he continues to play such an important part in my sense of identity and my feelings of self-worth as a person. I cried as though we were just breaking up and I fell asleep surrounded by kleenexes, kleenexes, and more kleenexes.

In the light of day, however, I couldn't understand why I had been so devastated the night before. What happened? What happens to me at night?

Oh, mother-child relationships

As I laid in bed this morning listening to the tree branches tapping wildly in my bedroom window because of the freak-crazy winds we are getting, I thought about Robert.  I recently heard this quote from a therapist about relationships, and have been thinking about it ever since: "The relationships we have with our mothers influences all of our subsequent relationships."

I suppose I knew this theory/perspective. But I hadn't applied to to Robert until this morning, when I suddenly remembered a conversation I had with his friend over Christmas break.  She had said that Robert complains quite a bit about living at home and taking care of his mom.  His friend had thought he was taking no responsibility for doing nothing with his life and using his mom as an excuse. Why is he pinning his frustrations on her when he can easily move out and and pursue life at full-force without attributing all this responsibility on her?

Now, I don't know if Robert has told his friends that his mom had been diagnosed with cancer.  He is so secretive that I wouldn't be surprised if he's hidden all of that. But I'd guess that if they knew about the cancer, they'd have some sympathy.  Judging from his friend's annoyance toward him, however, I'd say... they probably don't know.

Nevertheless, I started to think about Robert's relationship with me and whether he felt that same burden and annoyance when it comes to his relationship with his mom.  Was our relationship such a drag for him too? Did he feel like he had to do a lot of care-taking with me?

I love Robert for so many reasons, one of them being his love for his mom.  Leaving me to take care of his mom is actually the best excuse one could ever have, if someone were to dump me for another woman. But for him to gripe about the care-taking makes me wonder who he is, and what I know about him, if anything at all. Who is Robert, anyways? Why does he do what he does? How did/does he see me? And is his perception indicative of reality?

The greatest mystery of my life, sadly, is our break-up.  On my deathbed one day, I will wonder with defeat, "why? what happened?" in the same way I wonder about it today. I've considered Robert's reasons to be the reality, so if Robert says, "because you suck", then that would be the truth.  But what if Robert simply has his own issues and simply hates being responsible and committed to another person, entirely? Then am I to blame for our break-up? Do I still hold myself accountable, as though I could have changed our break-up?

My mind's a-reeling.

Mind-reading

Today, I caught myself falling-back into an old habit of mine.

A friend of mine sent me this link to a horoscope blog that basically captured all of her experiences this week.  It was so accurate that I couldn't help but look up my own horoscope to see what it said. So I did.

And then after I looked up myself, I looked up Robert's.

Goodness, I haven't done that in awhile.

For years after Robert and I broke up, I would look at Robert's horoscope whenever I happened to read my own. Without fail, I would always look him up, wondering how his day is going, his week, month, and even year. It gave me some glimpse into his life, no, scratch that.  I hoped it would give me some glimpse into his life, some understanding of what happened and where he is now.

I don't know what I was looking for then, and I don't know what I'm looking for now.  What could a horoscope possibly say? I can't even come up with a logical answer for that.

I suppose if I think about it long enough, I hoped for something like.... "Scorpio realized he missed on the love of his life 7 years ago and will pursue her in full force from here on out. He has an unbelievable explanation but it will be so legitimate and so understandable, that his loved one would certainly forgive him."  And then of course, Robert would show-up at my door soon after.

Not over you

Every time I hear this song, I can't help but sing it out loud and then suddenly feel emotional afterwards. One time, I even waited to get out of the car until the song finished playing on the radio. Yup.

That's how much attention this song gets from me. This song reflects the feelings I've held onto because of Robert. Even after all these years, the lyrics in this song ring continue to ring true for me.



Not Over You (Gavin DeGraw)


Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood and I realize

If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm not over you


...


There's more lyrics to this song, but a lot of it is repeated.  


** I also HAVE to critique this video because watching it actually pissed me off. Why is it that in every shot, the girl is dressed so skimpily and positioned so that she seems like a total sex object? All those poses that she's doing -- how cliche are those?  Meanwhile, he looks like a bum in this video.  


Gotta love mainstream messages about how us ladies are supposed to look for our men, right? Dress sexy, lay around in almost no clothes, and then run after them.  Meanwhile, they get to wear their casual day-to-day clothes, feel comfortable, be themselves, and wait to be chased.  OK, I take back the being chased part. Only the last part is supposed to be a joke. I meant everything else!

Is your relationship over?

I came across an article today, entitled: "When it's just another fight and when it's over".  It was actually featured in Yahoo under the heading, "Is your marriage over?" and I couldn't help but read it.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/just-another-fight-over-040100241.html

I'm glad I read did, actually.  But before I delve into the details, I want to note that the article was falsely advertised because it isn't only marriages that end. Break-ups suck too!  Couldn't they have promoted it as, "Is your relationship over?"

Aside from this gripe, I've been thinking about this article ever since.  The gist of this piece is about resentment and having a fight be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  In essence, it's not necessarily just that fight that leads to the breakup.  It's all the other things building up to it: all the frustrations, miscommunications, annoyances that just seem too much to bear.  So, what happens is that from one partner's perspective, s/he may think they're having just another fight.  For the other person, the one who is up to his/her ears being fed-up, it is the defining moment in realizing that it is absolutely, positively over.

This article is hitting me in a sore spot, as I think about my breakup with Robert.  Yes, again, I'm going to me talking about my first love because I grieve about him these days and not B.  I have to get to the root of this.  I have to understand why I am the way I am (when it comes to him).

I have rejected this hypothesis in the past: that we broke up because our last fight (which felt like just another fight to me) was the straw that broke his (him being a camel) back. Maybe for me, it was something I expected to resolve.  But for him, it was the last thing he wanted to handle, the last thing he wanted to tolerate. Perhaps from his perspective, it was the last jenga piece that was coming out of our already-wobbly relationship.

It's hard for me to think that our relationship led up to that point.  I find it hard to even imagine that he had a lot of resentment, anger, and frustration towards me.  It's really really hard to even think that because it would mean we were completely out-of-tune with each other. I mean, out-of-tune to the point that I didn't even know he was so unhappy.  Out-of-tune because I never imagined we would ever break-up, only that we would fight and fight, but eventually we'd work-through it and be OK. It would also hurt to know that we never even attempted to resolve his unhappiness if he was so upset with me.

Why was he so upset with me? Was I so hard to handle? To tolerate? Was our relationship (and me) so bad that he wanted nothing to do with it but to flee and run? I don't know.

I guess I'll never know. But I have to admit that like the article said, we were fighting quite a bit before our final break-up.  We were arguing quite frequently, we were both ridiculously busy and short with each other when we did talk to each other. And when I say talk to each other, I meant through the phone since we were in our 2nd year of long-distance dating.

Here's the even harder part to admit: I confess that even though we were both very busy, I probably could have invested more time and energy into him before our last fight.  I should have seen the signs. I should have done something! I remember there was one night when he was suddenly in a good mood.  He had been pretty negative throughout that week and I could not understand what was going on.  So when he was in a good mood that night, I should have spent time focusing on him and trying to re-connect us.  Instead, however, I felt pressured to host 2 of my friends who had travelled to stay for the weekend.  They had just gotten in when Robert had called.  I remember feeling relieved that he was in a good mood, and hopeful that it would stay that way.  He wanted to talk, he wanted to chat, he wanted a long call-- which was uncharacteristic of him (and us) considering how busy we had both been during that time.  If it were any other night, I would have happily obliged and enjoyed every single millisecond with him.  But I felt the pressure of hosting my 2 friends and being a bad hostess because I was out on the porch whispering into the phone at 1am. So instead, I told him I couldn't talk and hoped he would be more understanding so we can catch-up the next day. I basically said no to our time and chance to have some quality conversation together... and to this day, I continue to kick myself and wonder if that might have been the precursor to our break up.

I blame myself and wonder if things would have been different if I just continued to sit outside until the wee hours of the morn.

It is incredibly difficult for me to accept that Robert may have been pissed at me when we broke up.  It is actually (almost) impossible for me to accept that at any point, he had resentment towards me, frustration towards me, and annoyance towards me.  I'm supposed to be the person that makes him happy.  I'm supposed to be the light at the end of his tunnel.  I'm supposed to the love of his life, and the one he shares everything bad with, so we can get through and live happily ever after together.  For us to break up because he had so much pent-up negative emotions toward me (and for me to not know it) is more devastating than... what.... I don't know!  It's equivalent to feeling betrayed and cheated-on, because I feel like I never even knew that's how he felt.  He never even indicated having those feelings toward me.  He never even gave me a chance to work on it together or to address it together before deciding that we were done-zo!

So, in reading this article, I'm reminded about this alternative scenario that I rejected from my consciousness.  I have refused to wonder if we broke-up because he was sick of me, and sick of putting up with me. It is too heartbreaking for me to accept that as a reality. It's too much of a shocker because it turns my world upside-down and inside-out.  Assuming Robert and I broke up because he was fed-up with me, I will be devastated because it takes away all the good things I thought were true in our relationship.  If he really had so much resentment towards me, I will not know how to see myself anymore. I will completely doubt myself and also my reality.  I will question if the good things I experienced were actually true.  I will lose faith in myself that my instincts pick up facts. I will no longer be able to interact with anyone without wondering if they perceive me in a totally different way than how I perceive myself.

So please. Please please please: if you are going to dump someone, tell them. Explain it to them. Do something that gives them closure rather than say nothing and go away. Give them closure. Give ME closure. Because without knowing why you broke up, wondering about endless possibilities could drive a person to madness.  Or it could just keep that person pining over you and feeling heartbroken for years and years and years.  Don't punish them like that. Help them to let go. Help ME let go.

Unresolved grief/loss

I wonder how messed-up I am that I'm still not over my first love.

Just to clarify, though... when I'm dating someone else, I'm 100% committed to the other person.  There isn't even the slightest bit of emotional cheating, whatsoever.

It's just that when the break-up happens, I start to grieve simultaneously and the pain of my 1st breakup will roar back with full force.  That's definitely some unresolved issues there.

Is that normal? Or does that just happen to me?

2 ex-boyfriends, 1 dream

I am super stressed and super sleep-deprived.

I am attempting to finish my big ol' dissertation in the next week, and the all-nighters are killin' me!

When I did sleep for a few hours the other day, I spent it dreaming... specifically, I dreamt of 2 ex-boyfriend attending 1 party with me. Can you say total craziness?

This is what I remember:

I'm at someone's house attending some sort of brunch party or afternoon lunch/dinner party.  It must be Spring-time because it's a sunny day. There are giant windows in the house and tons of natural light streaming in.  I'm standing in a beautiful kitchen, exactly the kind of room I would like when I own a house one day.  Around me, there are lots of people chatting, holding wine glasses and sampling finger-foods and other delicious appetizers.  There are tulips in the garden and I can see the lush green grass and the budding flowers beyond the windows.  It is a gorgeous day and people are dressed as though they are celebrating Easter (so weird because I have never celebrated this holiday in my life!).  Pastel colors are everywhere and even I, myself, am wearing something light, colorful, festive, and pretty.  I am wearing the kind of dress or skirt that looks whimsical and magical and flows all around you. It's a really classy party and everyone there looks dolled-up for the event.

There are tons of food and wine on the island in the kitchen and I'm resting my elbows on the bar, listening to friends talk.  As I'm listening, my eyes dart behind them, looking for someone.  Why? Because just now, somebody told me that Robert is here. Without compromising my dignity or my rational thoughts to run into every room, I've decided to stay still and do exactly what I was doing:  I'm hanging out with friends.  But I'm also looking for him as hard as I possibly can, and I'm SO hoping that I'll soon "run-into him."

The anticipation of seeing Robert gives me such an adrenaline rush that I take a few breaths before turning around to scope out the other side of the room. I'm excited, nervous, happy, a little scared, and more than anything, I'm curious!  I'm so curious!  What does Robert look like now? How will our interaction be when we do eventually meet face-to-face?  If Robert is attending a party, he must be in a good place! I can hardly contain my excitement. And when I do turn around, there he is, a very familiar face looking right at me.  But it's not Robert.  It's not Robert at all. Who do you imagine is standing right there? B.


I am incredibly shocked (in a bad way) and totally confused.  I was anticipating feeling surprised, yes. But the surprise should not have been him, and the surprise also includes frustration. Of all the events to intrude on, this should not be one of them.  This event (and even dream) is about Robert.  I feel irritated that B. is here, stealing the spotlight. Right then and there, I realized I was dreaming.  There is simply no way both of them can show up in one place.  The combination of them 2 in one place is slimmer than none; it is my two separate universes overlapping each other.  I'm disappointed and annoyed now because this dream was about Robert.  My subconscious was all about Robert. So why in heavens is B. here?  Why is he ruining a dream that is hopeful, exciting, nerve-wracking, but also good at the same time?  So rarely do I dream of Robert.  Why did he have to take that away from me?

For some reason, the B. in my dream is less aggressive than he usually is. In turn, I feel less-disgusted with him than I feel in real life. I actually wonder if he can be my friend. I decide to take the risk and tell him about my history with Robert. I ask him to help me, and I ask if he's seen Robert at the party. I'm trusting him with my history, and I'm taking a leap of faith that he can be there for me, as a friend.

Instead, B. mocks me and tells me to get-over-it and to move on. He advises me to stop looking and to stop caring. It's a pity I'm wasting my time on someone like Robert. He laughs at how naiive I am and looks at me quite pitifully.  Instead, he suggests, why not go him? As my most recent ex-boyfriend, he's a sure thing and he continues to want me. But Robert? An ex-boyfriend from 7 years ago? That's a gamble that I wouldn't want to take. At first, B is joking as he says this. But soon he gets more serious about me leaving the party with him. He is annoyed that someone else is in the picture (other than him).  He now wants me more than ever, simply because my heart is no longer his. I consistently say no and keep my focus on Robert, but he will not stop asking me.

Frustrated with my rejections, B. attempts to threaten me by saying he'll disappear forever if I continue to reject him. I do not fall for his manipulation and I tell him great! please leave! B. tells me that it's not worth it to wait around for Robert and that I should appreciate him for being here, instead. He then threatens to blow my cover by telling Robert that I'm around and looking for him, and that's when his threat works and he has my full attention.  I cling onto his shirt sleeve and look him dead-serious in the eye. "You wouldn't!" I gasped, my heart pounding and my disappointment rising as I think about the hope I had for him being my friend and helping me. He grins at me, shrugs, and walks away. 

I turn back to the big windows, to the kitchen in front of me, and I wonder how I look from B.'s perspective. Am I as pathetic as he thinks? Still, I continue to wait and I continue to hope about Robert. I wonder if B. has left the party and if he is gone for good. I had hoped he could help me. I had hoped we could have some sort of positive ending someday. Suddenly, in that very moment, I feel very alone, even if I'm surrounded by room full of happy, chattering people.

As the dream comes to an end, I see the scene pan out.  I'm still standing in the middle of the large kitchen, gazing out the window on the other side of the room. It's still a beautiful day, and this is a beautiful house with amazing food, people, and conversation. There I am, holding a glass of wine, some appetizers in a plate, looking pretty on the outside, but feeling anxious inside. I am waiting. There are many friends and acquaintances near me, chatting, having a good time, catching-up, and enjoying one another. Although I stand amongst them, seemingly happy, I am simultaneously reflecting, watching, and trying to absorb everything around me.  I am happy too, I think, but I am also feeling the exhausting of waiting.

What does this dream mean!?

Why did we break up?

Earlier tonight, I talked to a friend about Robert and questioned aloud if I will ever forget this first love of mine.  My dear friend asked me something very poignant and has gotten me thinking ever since.

When I expressed being frustrated at our unhappy ending (to date), my friend asked me the following questions: "What if he told you why you broke up and the answer is not good enough for you?"

Hmm... Interesting. That's a good question.

What does "good enough" mean?

Suppose Robert were to say, "I don't know, I guess it just ended"-- that would not be good enough, I guess.  I would be confused and I would want specifics, like... "Why did it just end?" "Why did you/I/we let it end?" "Why wasn't it worth it to keep it going and not end?"

Suppose Robert said, "There was too much chaos at that time in my life, with my mom's health issues, my dad's financial issues, my own academic and career issues..."-- that would also not be good enough because I would not know why those things have any connection to our relationship.  This quote is actually a summary of what he actually told me when I saw him a few years ago.  But rather than ask him what it had to do with us, I immediately shifted to how he's doing now, and how his mom and dad have been doing since then.  I never asked about us.  I felt it was too selfish and too me-me-me-focused, and instead, I have obsessed about it by myself ever since.

So clearly, after talking to my friend, I've thought about a few hypothetical answers and I have realized that at this point, what I need to know is: whether he loves me today, whether he loved me at the time when we broke up, and whether he loved me when we were together.  Was it real?

I didn't have the guts to ask him these exact questions when I saw him a few years ago.  I felt too cowardly. Today, I continue to feel terrified of his answer and how it will shatter my image of him and of our relationship.  There is the saying: "action speaks louder than words" and if I were bright enough, I would know that his inaction has spoken volumes.  Over the years, Robert's inactions have been telling me very clearly & very explicitly that he does not love me any more, that he couldn't care less about me or what is happening with me or my life. And he has completely disappeared as much as possible to me and to all of his friends, into some sort of a depression hole.  In the few times that he's interacted with his friends, he's told them not to relay any information to me. He's been surprised to hear that I socialize with them.  And he's been upset that they have chosen to interact with both myself and him. I didn't find out any of this until this winter break when I went home. For the first time, I learned that over the past few years, he's been guarding against me like I'm an enemy, or at the very least, an outsider that he wants little/nothing to do with.

Learning all that information has been very hurtful.  And I kind of forgot about it until... now. Why? Why did I "forget" that Robert chooses to disappear from everyone including me? Why can't I accept that he wants nothing from me and nothing to do with me.

Why can't I accept this reality for what it is?

Through his actions and inactions, Robert is saying he feels nothing for me, he's moved on, and he doesn't even want to have any direct or indirect contact from me.  Why do I continue to romanticize him and our relationship and feel like there was so much more, when clearly there's absolutely nothing left?

This entry makes me feel utterly pathetic, desperate, and all the things I would never want to be associated with.  Alas, it is a version of the truth, and although it hurts, it's also very real.

He exists!

On my way to Penny's baby shower party (that I was co-hosting), I got a call from my high school friend, Jenny.  At first, I contemplated not picking up, since I was in the car about to get to my location.  But curiosity got the best of me, because rarely does she call me at daytime (she's such a party animal she's usually awake only when it's nighttime!).

Turns out, I was right.  Jenny had news for me.

She starts with, "guess who I just saw?"  And I start racking my brain for all the possibilities.  I mean, high school was what, 2,000 people? I'm sure I can narrow it down somehow.  And between us and our ex-boyfriends, I know exactly who would freak us both out to warrant a call like that!

Well, it was news related to Robert, my first love, and it was the kind of phone call I've been waiting for, for oh, the past 7 years of my life.  It's actually been surprising for me that it's taken THIS long for me to hear news from him.  It's taken THIS long to accidentally get info from him, when my hometown is all of THIS big (not very big if you get my drift).

The news is really not that big.  Jenny was having a garage sale, and Robert's friend comes by to buy some things.  Jenny plays dumb and asks about high school friendships and people they know in common.  She learns that Robert is now working as an electrical engineer way out near the airport and that he commutes about an hour each day for his job. She mentions my name and Robert's friend looks at her cluelessly and says he has no idea who I am. She repeats my name again, and still, there is no sign of recall.  Jenny quickly drops the topic so she can gather more information about Robert, but that was really about it.  He still lives at home with his mom.  His mom is doing fine, healthwise (yes she asked). Annnd that was it. The end.

Throughout our phone conversation, my heart was pounding like you could not believe. Finally.  Finally! After all these years, I am hearing first-hand from my dear friend, some news about Robert that I know is credible.  It's one thing to hear things from Robert's friends when I go home during vacations.  Those girls are his friends. I wouldn't be surprised if they lied and lied to my face.  But to hear it from Jenny? That is a completely different story.  Jenny, I trust. Jenny is my friend through and through.  Jenny has seen me at my worst post-break-up.  And Jenny knows.  I mean, Jenny knows how devastated I have been, and how heartbroken I continue to feel about him, even today.

So... hearing the news from Jenny, albeit small news, is... earth-shattering for me.

When Robert and I were in high school, his passion had always been for graphic design.  He dreamed of working for Pixar and he was so creative, so talented, and just so... artistic.  He saw things I didn't see. He admired things I couldn't begin to appreciate. He was an artist, that was that! And that was probably one of the reasons my dad didn't feel so fond of him.

In college, Robert worked full-time at a real state company and went to school part-time to get his degree in something practical: business. He didn't love it, but he did it for a functional purpose, and it seemed like a good combination with his future degree in art.  In our heads, we envisioned he would someday pursue graphic design. It was simply a matter of timing.

But then we broke up and I didn't know what happened for 4 years after that.  When I contacted him 4 years later to ask about us and to get closure, he updated me on his life to say that he was pursuing a degree in engineering.  He was really embarrassed when he said it, mostly because he was getting his degree from an online school.  He was also doing it not because he felt passionate, and not even because he had any interest in engineering. Instead, he chose the field because it was the best way to make money fast.  Apparently, around the time that we broke up, his mom had been diagnosed with cancer and being a single parent, and him being an only child, he needed to contribute to the medical expenses fast.

I don't know happened after that, although I do wonder (all the time) whether he still dabbles in graphic design.  I also didn't know when he would graduate, and what kind of engineering he would pursue.  The idea of Robert being an engineer just didn't fit.  It still doesn't fit, but I actually have so much more respect for him that he's doing it, and that he did it.

So, as I hear from Jenny that he is currently an employed, salaried engineer, I have so many mixed emotions.

I feel happy for him because he did it.  I am so proud of him that he's accomplished his goal and that he's making money for his mom.  I also feel heartbroken for him and wonder how much he's had to let-go of his dreams.  I wonder if he's happy, if he feels a sense of purpose and meaning in his work.  And I wonder if things are finally more stable now, than when he had to climb and uphill battle pursuing his studies.  Being employed and having a stable job should be relaxing now, right?

And now, here it comes: my expectations.  If Robert is so stable now, and if his mom is doing OK, and if he's attained his goal, then what is he doing/thinking/wanting in his love life?  Is he... dating someone? Is he... in love?  Does he... regret our break-up? Does he still... love me?  And if so, why hasn't he come back to even ask about me?

I recounted Jenny's news to my mom and got a harsh but necessary dose of reality.  My mom said to me, Wow! If Robert's friend doesn't even know your name in the slightest, then it's obvious he doesn't mention you, ever.

Ding ding ding!  100 points for Robert, 0 for me.  Again.

I hadn't even thought about it.  Whereas in my entire circle of friends, practically everyone of them will know Robert's name, and know of his significance in my life, it's clear that I account for exactly nothing in his life.  Even his friend, who I've double-dated with when Robert and I were in high school, couldn't remember me.  Meaning that Robert probably couldn't be bothered to even recollect who I am, either.

At the end of my conversation with mom, she asked me not to let this news have a ripple-effect on my mood.  I shrugged her off and said "no way, this is closure, mom!" But I have been wrong. I have spent the past few days thinking about Robert and feeling very very emotional.  I just looked through all of my posts that are tagged with "first love" and cried and cried.

It is so incredibly painful knowing that you are so small in someone else's world, but they were/are everything in yours.

Randomness of life

Dear blog, thank you for existing.  I have immense gratitude that this "space" exists and I have a place to write, cry, vent, reflect, and not care at all whether I am annoying another person with my troubles.

You know how life throws you random things when you least expect it?

Well, it's been two weeks since B.'s visit and I've been completely focused on school work and finishing up the semester/school year.  I'm on-track, again. I'm eating healthy. This paleo thing is starting to feel natural. I'm starting to feel like I'm back on my routine.  And lastly, Mr. Z. is completing his last obedience training class before we take the test to get him certified as a therapy dog.

Things have been feeling like they are progressing and moving forward.

Except that I suddenly got a call this week from Jenny, telling me news of my first love.  And now I'm emotionally spiraling and pulled-back into the heartaches of my first love and why things are the way they are now.

Random, I know.

An ode to Mr. Z

I am grateful to Mr. Z for so many reasons. A few months ago, my friend Penny remarked that Mr. Z was the only one that actually saved me from my relationship with B.  No amount of help/advice from friends was enough to give me the final push to end it all.  Ultimately, it was Mr. Z that helped me get out of what was killing my soul, and making me feel like I had no will to move forward.  Mr. Z was the final reason that helped me to have the courage to finally break up.

What Penny may not know, however, is that ever since the breakup, Mr. Z continues to do so much for me. To begin, I've realized that I'm healthier because of him.  Emotionally, spiritually, physically... I'm healthier thanks to Mr. Z.

At the emotional level, I feel such unconditional love, loyalty, and support from him. He is so excited to see me all the time, and his kisses are so true, so authentic, and so in-the-moment. Mr. Z wants nothing more from me than just me.  He has no expectations for me, no judgment toward me, and no conditions linked to my self-worth.  He likes me for me.  More importantly, it's my energy he wants, and my smell that he wants, and all the things that I can't change and adapt. Mr. Z doesn't care if I gain weight, if I'm dressed like a bum, or if I'm in a foul mood. He likes me for who I am: just my being.

At the spiritual level, I find myself living life in a more grounded and present way. When we take walks, I am seriously detached from work and stress and focused on our walk. I actually breathe in the fresh air and smell the roses. I slow down immensely to enjoy what is happening all around me.  I hear the wind blowing, I feel the movement of the grass, I hear the birds chirping, and I revel in being part of nature. More than anything, I enjoy watching him zig zag around smelling all the things that our human noses can't detect. I wonder what he smells and what he's dragging me towards. I love imagining what he's thinking, what he's dreaming, and what he loves, and what motivates him. When I am spending quality time with him, I'm completely removed from technology. I don't walk with my cell phone, I don't watch TV when playing with him, I don't work on the computer when brushing his hair.  It's just us and our energies together!

Last but not least, is the physical health that he brings me. The most tangible evidence is that I walk 100X more than I did before.  Each day, we take walks outside: in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bedtime.  No matter how cold or hot it is, we walk, whether it is for 15 minutes or sometimes up to 2 hours! The point is, Mr. Z makes me move my body in ways other than being hunched over my computer!  Diet-wise, I've also changed significantly because of Mr. Z.  My journey to Paleo is partly inspired by Mr. Z.  Even before adopting him, I did a lot of research on dog foods and what's best for him. I learned that the fewer the by-products, the better the quality.  I learned that processed foods is also bad for dogs, and that products like soy and corn are terrible for their health. On a weekly basis, I spend a lot of money on Mr. Z's foods.  I choose the best because I select items with the least amount of ingredients.  One of my favorite snacks for him is a duck and sweet potato cookie.  It is part of the "Limited ingredient" items and contains exactly what it should: duck and sweet potato!  When I began to re-evaluate my food options while working out, I've also realized that I should be a little more picky with my diet, like eliminate soy and corn!  And funnily enough, that's exactly what Paleo emphasizes!  Eat whole, unprocessed foods!  Eat organic foods! Eat simple foods! Eat like how I feed my dog?

Now why didn't I think to treat myself in the same way that I treat Mr. Z?

Hence... my quick switch to Paleo these days, and my motivation to eat simple, unprocessed, and organic.  I treat my dog so well and want him to be so healthy!  Why don't I do the same for me?  Also, when the weather gets really bad here, I also put him on the treadmill for 15 minutes a day.  Seeing how I value his daily exercise, I've also wondered why I don't prioritize my health and fitness!  Hence, the extra motivation these days for me to sign up for fitness classes and to schedule routine work-outs at the gym.

If I compared my lifestyle now to my lifestyle last year (pre, during, and after my breakup with B), the change would be substantial. Dramatic. Life-changing.  Last year this time, I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life.  I was heartbroken, anxious, scared, and completely and utterly alone in my shame and my unhealthy relationship.  I couldn't let go, I didn't know how to let go, and he wouldn't let me go. I detached myself from friends, I did no exercise whatsoever, and I ate very poorly.  My diet was so sad, pathetic, and painful for me.  I didn't eat what I want.  I didn't cook what I wanted. I had to cook for him, for us, and I had to make all these decisions based on what he preferred. I couldn't even have my own personal space to sit, reflect, or think-- because he would never leave me alone. His fears of being alone suffocated me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Yes, suffocating is the best word to describe the feelings he gave me.  In contrast to where I am today, where I am growing, thriving, and feeling myself recovering, I was in the complete opposite place just months ago: drowning, suffocating, and losing the will to even flail as I disappeared into the quicksand.

Thinking about all this brings back some pain, some heartache, and a lot of sadness.  I'm sorry I went through that. And I'm sorry I couldn't be where I am now.  But I'm also uber grateful for now, and uber grateful for the changes I've since made in my life. These days, my day-to-day life consists of joy, liberation, inspiration, and healthiness that Mr. Z gives to me. 

Thanks, Mr. Z.  This is my ode to you!

Week 1 Reflections

Yesterday morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream having to do with my first love, Robert.

I dreamt that my dad needed to go to a city near where I live, so we packed up the car and drove a very far distance to get to where he needs to be.  We stopped to have lunch at this restaurant-- and in that restaurant, I saw Robert, serving the meals there because he worked as a waiter.  We made eye contact but we both acted like we didn't know each other.  At one point, I asked if he could bring us some napkins, but we didn't really look at each other during that encounter. Afterwards, when we finished eating, we left and came back home.  In my dream, my grandma was upset that we didn't take her, so we decided to make the trip again.  We drove to the same city (which is actually 15,000 miles away-- oh dreams!) and we stopped at that same restaurant--this time for dinner instead of lunch.  Again, I see Robert there and I now feel self-conscious about being there. I'm nervous about about him seeing me again and thinking that I have returned just to see him. I avoid eye contact as much as I can but every so often, I sneak glances at him.  The restaurant is some sort of Asian restaurant, serving Vietnamese food but having Thai designs throughout.  There is Indian music blaring and people are dancing in their saris.  The activity makes it easier to sneak peeks at Robert without being too obvious.  When dinner is over, mom, grandma and I get ready to leave.  The thought of Robert thinking I'm a stalker is too much to bear, so I march over to him and set him straight.  I say to him, "Look, I'm only here again because my grandma really wanted to come here to eat.  I want you to know that I didn't come back here for you.  I only came for the food and it just so happens that you're here too."  In my dream, Robert doesn't say anything and I decide to conclude our conversation with a final goodbye.  I tell him that it's unfortunate that things are the way they are now.  "We could have been friends, Robert. It  didn't have to be so dramatic so that it's now weird and awkward and uncomfortable to see each other. I don't understand why it had to be this way. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I just think it sucks that we can't even be friends, we can't even be amiable. But it is what it is and I can finally accept it now. I finally get it and I'm fine. So, goodbye."  And I turn and walk away.  I don't wait for him to respond.  I don't hope for some kind of reconciliation or even closure.  I walk away and I do not look back. I do not look back.

Then I woke up.

This dream is so meaningful to me because it signifies closure... I think.  In all the years that we've been apart, I've dreamt about him and fantasized about him, and all of my imaginings entail reconciliation.  No matter how I've tried to explain it to myself, I've always ended up envisioning us together.  Not once have I ever ever ever ever ever thought to myself: "this is it."  But over the past few weeks, because I've really been thinking so much about him, I am gradually accepting that this could be/is the final outcome for him and me.

I am starting to accept that there is no happy ending for us, that there will never be a closure for us, and that he will never return to give me the explanation I've been waiting for all these years.  Acknowledging this scenario has set me free in many ways.  To begin, I'm not miserable everyday because I'm thinking/wondering/missing him whenever I'm in my hometown.  Thus far, being at home has been good and I've been living in the present.  I haven't had thoughts that start with: "if Robert and I were together, then we would be doing _____." I have also made the conscious effort to make plans only with the people that I consider to be my friends.  I am determined to only go out for fun and not for information-digging about Robert.  I want to go out with people who help me re-charge and who help me feel invigorated about life.  I do not want to go out only to feel drained and disappointed because I am with them purely to gain more information about Robert.  Still, Robert's friends already heard that I am back in town and have tried to set up get-togethers last week.  I politely declined their offers and postponed them because I wasn't/am not ready.  I only want to go out with them when I can enjoy spending time with them without thinking about their connection with Robert. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me.  When I can see them as my friends (rather than his friends), then I'll go out with them.  When I can maintain inner peace without relying on them to fulfill a hole inside me, then I'll allow myself to be with them.

All of these are pro-active steps that I am taking to move-on from the first love of my life.  My dream has further confirmed that I am on the right track and furthermore, that I am making progress.  For the first time ever, my subconscious is letting him go and accepting that there is nothing between us anymore.  In my dream, there are no tears, no dramatics, no demand for explanation, no apology, no reunion.  There is only awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a reclaiming of my dignity and a chance to say bye.  Wow, I can't believe that I'm even writing that: "a chance to say bye."  Never in a million years did I think I'd ever have to say "bye" to Robert because I thought he'd always be in my life.  The truth, however, is that he isn't in my life, hasn't been in my life, and will probably never be in my life ever again.  That's still too hard to accept at this time, so I'll take what I have so far and be proud of my current progress.

Heading to my time capsule tomorrow

I'm going home tomorrow!  Must. take. deep breath.

I just looked up Robert's name online, and of course, there's nothing to be found.  I don't know why he's such a... secretive person in general.  What's worse is my compulsion to dig his information to know more about him.

If someone wants to run away from you, run far far from you, and to go somewhere hidden so you can never find him, then why oh why do I spend so much time and effort wondering and even searching?

"If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back, then you know."

I know. What I know is that without intending to let go, it has already flown far far away from me.  And not only that, it has purposely hidden itself from me (and from the rest of society) because it doesn't want to be discovered. It doesn't want to belong to me.  It doesn't want to come back.  And even though it hasn't been back for years, I haven't been able to accept that that's the answer.

I don't want to.  I don't want to accept that as the answer. I'm still waiting for him to come back.  When that happens, then I'll choose to know.  For now, I don't know. I'm still... waiting.

Long visit home

I am getting... anxious. I am going home for the holidays soon. I've never gone back home to see family so frequently. But it just so happens that my schedule is more flexible this year and because I have interviews back there-- that I will be in my hometown for approximately... 3 weeks.

3. weeks. Gahh! The anxiety has been creeping up on me these days because I haven't been home for so long. It's true, I do feel like I "ran away" after Robert and I broke up. As it was, I lived across the country attending college. But I took the next step to study abroad (which I already wanted to anyways). If I’m honest enough, I can admit that part of the reason did include running away. I simply didn’t/don't know how to live in the same suburb with someone who is 5 minutes away and yet has purposely chosen to cut-of-all-contact from me. So, in addition to wanting to see the world, travel, and study, I thought to myself: why subject myself to the torture of being so close when I can also flee the scene?

So, I have fled and fled and now I may be back there for the next year. I’ll certainly be back for 3 weeks starting next week. In the upcoming month, I imagine a ton of journal entries delving into grief, loss, letting-go, and heartaches. Ugh.

Falling out of love

My closest friend in the world, Ana, called me today for our regular chat/update.  She told me about her co-worker being dumped by her boyfriend of 5 years.  The boyfriend had told her that he had fell-out-of-love with her and that he wanted to end the relationship. The breakup happened over the weekend on Saturday, and even though it is now Tuesday, her co-worker continues to be in disbelief and will call him to say, "Honey, when are we going to pick out the Christmas tree together?"  What's worse is that it is the holiday season and they are supposed to spend Christmas together with her family. During the break-up, she had asked him how recent his feelings had changed, and he said that he knew it was over before Thanksgiving!  She was in disbelief because they had gone to visit his family over Turkey day and he had acted like nothing was wrong. Things were like they had always been.

Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city.  After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week.  He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him.  He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.

Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it.  Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me.  I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again.  It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.

Did Robert do that to me?  And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?

While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart.  Such good advice right?  It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.

As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:

Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead.  He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.

Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back.  Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone.  He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me.  It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile.  But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future.  He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt.  But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.

I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.

It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.

I've been in denial for 7 years!

Blast from the past

Here's a journey entry that I wrote approximately 4 years ago when I emailed Robert after feeling so re-traumatized because he "forgot to call" me and couldn't care less about my existence. This entry reminds me of how tired and exhausting it is to love someone who is apathetic about you. To care about someone who doesn't even see you.

I did all that I could to reach out to him. I had to know that there was no holding back and that I was following my heart through-and-through. I did my best with him. I even chased after him 4 years later. Even then, he gave me nothing in return. I gave it my all. And I had to live with the fact that there was nothing more I could have done to change the situation.


"have you ever poured your heart out before? to the point that you're maxxed out and can't imagine any other way to express yourself? and then one day, you realize that you've finally reached your limit, trekked to the end of your own border, and really truly cannot go beyond the pages anymore because the gap is too wide and and you simply cannot go any farther?

it's a completely draining experience that i'm talking about... but in almost a positive light because FINALLY, you can't wonder if there's anything else you could have done. you know for a fact that you will never look back and wonder "COULD I HAVE DONE MORE? SHOULD I HAVE STOPPED THERE? WHY WASN'T I TRUE TO MY HEART?" because finally, there's nothing in you anymore. Not a drop a left, nothing to be wrung out for you to give anymore.  It's like... you've finally defeated yourself.

everyone has a limit. and it's taken me years to reach mine.

im all out of this kinda love."

Unmet hopes

After leaving my hometown this week and returning to my adult world, I went to therapy.
I talked cried about this relationship haunting me and I tried to make sense of what was happening to me internally.

As I recounted the entry I wrote when Robert and I broke up, I realized that I never really let-him-go because I always expected he would come back one day to explain everything to me. To know the inner workings of my mind and heart, it's important to be honest about my expectations about Robert and me.  My fantasy/expectation had always been the following possible scenarios:

1) Robert finds me one day and comes to me to apologize.  He wants to say sorry for how things ended, and he is also incredibly regretful that we even broke up.  He offers a really good explanation that has to do with his incredulous love for me and wanting to protect me from whatever it is he couldn't tell me about before. For example, maybe he had cancer but he didn't want  to know because he knew I would have dropped everything to be with him and take care of him.  Because he didn't want me to give up my plans, he had to break up with me in a cold-hearted manner and disappear until he got better.  He has now realized that it was not the right thing to do and is so sorry to have done that to me.  Over the years, he has also matured and grown in a lot of ways. He realizes that life is unbearable without me and wishes we could try again.

2) I am living my life and having a good time when I unintentionally run-into Robert.  Hmm.  I suppose what happens subsequently is an exact copy-paste scenario from the scene above.  He apologizes. He is regretful.  He still loves me. He still wants me back. But what's different is that he's too embarrassed to have shown-up at my door to apologize.  Still, he has always wished for another chance with me but has been too shy/embarrassed to act on this impulse.  Nevertheless, he wishes for a reconciliation and is sorry for our breakup.

3) Like scenario 2, Robert and I run-into each other, perhaps at a large social event with a bunch of our mutual friends.  Because we're in such a large crowd, we are cordial to each other and I am not overtly emotional or shocked.  I play-it-off very well and appear cool, calm, collected.  We hang out as a group and as the group dwindles, I continue to remain very rational and level-headed.  I say that it's good to see him, that I hope he's doing well, and I ask about him and his family.  I say nothing about the past so that I can look like I don't care that much.  I press for no details and I am able to seem casual and light-hearted.  He realizes how cool I am and is surprised.  He sees how little pressure I place on him and is reminded of his love for me. If he wasn't already in love with me then, he will fall back in love with me and want to be together again!

Hmm.  Now that it's written out, these scenarios sound kind of embarrassing.  They all have the same ending. They're just different versions of how he and I would act prior to reconciling. In my heart of hearts, I have always waited for Robert to show-up one day and to offer me some sort of release and closure. Umm... And also an opportunity to be together again.  I have been so sure that it would happen one day.  I have been so sure that I have been in waiting-mode for the past 7 years, just passively awaiting the day he comes.  All because I have been so sure that he will inevitably come.

But he hasn't come.  And I'm just now starting to realize that he may never come.  When I started dating a few years ago, I did it to spite Robert in my head.  I did it so that I can tell him (in my head) that I am capable of dating other people, and to threaten that I can be with someone else if he doesn't show up soon.  I didn't want to be with anyone else, much less even go on a date with somebody that wasn't him. But I did it so that I wouldn't always be in Robert's shadow.  I did it so that I could also tell myself that I can make comparisons because I don't know anything else beyond him.

Heck, the only reason I even had sex with someone else was so that I can say "Ha! Look! Robert isn't the only person I've been with now! I am capable of doing this with someone else!  Also, with someone else in the picture, my feelings for Robert will surely lessen so that it isn't so intense anymore!"

My approach completely back-fired though because I then started dating non-stop until.... now.  And now, I am dealing with multiple griefs because in truth, I never let Robert go. And because every relationship has been about him in some way, shape, or form.

How unhealthy that is.

Stuck

I am struggling with journaling because I want to numb-out altogether.

I am struggling with the complex emotions that I have, and I am not very self-compassionate about my regressing so far behind that I am now obsessed with the ending of my first relationship.

Grief, I have something to say to you: I hate you.

I knew quite rationally that when grieving over one loss, it is normal to think of all of the previous losses and to have to go through them once again in some way.  What I did not expect was this intensity or anxiety.  What I did not expect was to feel again what I felt 7 years ago and to be in the same exact friggin place again.

Now that I've left my childhood home and am back in my apartment in another city/state/region of the country, I can feel safe again, and distanced from the possibilities of "running into him" or being constantly flooded by memories of him.  Now that I am away, I am able to feel PISSED.  Not necessarily at him, but at myself.

I am livid with ME.

Why am I still here 7 years later?  Why am I in the exact same position that I was in when he broke up with me years ago?  Has nothing changed?  Did I not do any of the mourning or grieving then?  Is it humanly possible to feel the same way you did 7 years ago, the same feelings, the same intensity, the overwhelming disbelief, and the same shock at how things unfolded?  How could it be that I am just as confused and stuck now as I was before?  Where has my emotional growth been all this time?  Have I just been emotionally stunted!?  What has happened or not happened so that I am the exact same person all over again?

People tell me that it's good we broke up.  A blessing in disguise.  They remind me of my growth over the years.  They tell me to think of my accomplishments since the break-up.  They highlight my life experiences over this time period and tell me that it could have never worked out.  If Robert and I were together, I could have never made it this far.  With each of these comments, I am frustrated because I disagree.  I disagree.  I disagree.

I have not changed.  Just as my feelings are the same now, I have not changed now, nor do I expect to change in the next 10, 20, 30, 50 years.  The core of who I am is the exact same, or at least, very similar. I have the same values as before, the same reflex to situations, and my feelings, obviously are still one and the same. I am perhaps less naiive now and more open-minded.  I will still love in the same way though: with fervor, with passion, with undying loyalty and commitment (see how that's bitten me in the butt numerous times but I can't stop it because I can't help but be myself?). I will still be hurt when someone breaks up with me.  I will still engage in self-blame when things happen.  I will try very hard not to, but my instincts will be the same.  My coping mechanism will change if I practice hard enough.  Still, for the most part, I think I am the same.  I don't think I will ever change that much.

As far as my growth and accomplishments go, I also think that I would have pursued the same path I'm on regardless of whether Robert and I are together.  I went to college and did long-distance, didn't I?  Yes, it's true that I contemplated transferring near him so we can be close together.  But I only contemplated it, I wasn't really going to do it, was I?  And I imagine slash hope that in my career decisions, Robert would have supported me and made me an even better person because that's what partners do for each other, no?

My other delusion thoughts are that I can be a positive influence for Robert as well.  Had he leaned on me during tough times, maybe I could have helped him.  Maybe I could have supported him, assisted him, been a partner to him in all the ways he needed, and shouldered the responsibilities for him so that he can also pursue his dreams and later be healthy and happy.

I have all these "what if's" in my head and they are entail happy endings.  "What if _____? Then Robert and I would be together."  Then I would have never had to meet/date all the assholes I've been with and I would continue to be the pure, happy, blissful, naiive-but-optimistic girl that I used to be.

Immersed in the past

My good friend Nan is in town this week and she and I have known each other since the 8th grade.

We had breakfast together this week and she asked me about B. Toward the end of that relationship, we had emailed back and forth discussing heartbreak and cheating boyfriends, and she wanted to check-in on how I was doing since the breakup. Over pancakes and sausage and hot steaming coffee, she asked me a series of questions having to do with my feelings since I left him and when I looked up, I stared at her blankly and thought to myself, "who?"

Is it possible that being at home, in this time capsule, I actually forgot about all of the heartbreak inflicted by B.? Have I regressed so much in my mental state of being in high school/college, that B. simply does not exist because he doesn't come into my life several years later?

Could it be that by focusing on my first love, I have forgotten about any and all subsequent relationships that broke my heart?

On the one hand, that is awesome! Talk about the resiliency of the human heart!

On the other hand, am I broken? Is my heart so wounded that I no longer have the capacity to deal with any pain after the first heartbreak? Am I so damaged from that first relationship that I am now stunted in my recovery? Am I unable to process anything or anyone else because I'm so immersed in my own history and can't get out of the past? Help.

Day 7 Back Home

As I continue to embrace the good and bad about my first romantic relationship, I decide to re-visit our most recent correspondence via email.  A few years ago, I impulsively called Robert out-of-the-blue and said I needed to know why. We had already been broken up for 4 years but I had been so emotionally unavailable that I knew I had to know why before I could move forward.

In that conversation, he told me a bunch of things that were hectic and dramatic in his life. And in turn, I immediately moved toward sympathy and empathy. I wanted to ask him, "SO? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH US?"  But I didn't because I thought about the challenges he's endured on his own and how exhausted he must be.  I asked how he was doing then and he said that he's somewhat depressed and rarely making it out of the house, even.  He showed me his super ubtanned arm and said, Look! I'm never even in the sun.

Naturally, I offered to take a walk with him so we can get some Vitamin D in his system.  He consented to the idea, but I knew deep down, he only said yes to placate me.  He said he'd call me-- which he never did-- and of course, I was broken-hearted. It took another several weeks, tons of drafts, and a whole boatload of courage to write him a very long and emotional email about feeling abandoned (ah, isn't that the essence of our relationship?).  And his response? "Sorry, I forgot. I also didn't have your phone number."

I was so disappointed and dejected by his email.  But that was when we also began sending emails.  A few sentences here and there, a paragraph every now and then.  But our email correspondance was always initiated by me.  And he was always the one passively responding to questions.  So, in time, I stopped writing.  And of course, so did he.

As I read through Robert's emails which are quite superficial in content and length, I happen upon my email folder filled with all of the emails that B. used to send me.  B. used to write me super romantic emails as well as lust-filled emails that made me feel utterly desired and precious. His intentions were dramatic, emotional, sexy, and intense. Such a stark contrast to Robert's!  Looking back at B.'s emails, however, I feel sick, though.  I don't feel nostalgic or reminiscent. I'm not even sad that I don't get emails like that anymore.  I feel, actually... grossed out.  Disturbed, even!  Whereas his words conveyed passion, they were just words. Fake words. Fake Words that he spewed to any woman, me being just one of the many.

In retrospect, I realize that I always wished Robert cared more for me.  I wished he was hot for me. Red-hot.  I always felt like Robert was a lukewarm person.  He was neither hot nor cold, he just was.  You could not get anything out of him that was extreme or even dramatic.  Do you know what his motto was under our senior pictures? "Whatever happens, happens."  How's that for a passive guy?

Fighting with Robert was also like fighting with a brick wall. He never said much, and his expressions gave away nothing.  I remember crying during our fights, and Robert always had no reaction other than looking down. At one point in time, I had yelled at him and said "I'm crying! How can you have no reaction whatsoever?"  With Robert, I always craved more passion, intensity, excitement, and also, lust. I wished Robert would just... want me.  In contrast, B. gave me all of that and more.  He gave me romance (at first), he set the scenes as though they were from movies, and he was incredibly hot but also incredibly cold too. Being with B. was like riding an emotional roller coaster all the time.  He was very moody, very much an alcoholic, very much a womanizer, very much a disordered eater.  In short, B. went to extremes in every way possible, sometimes being very depressed and other times appearing manic and unable to settle down.

Perhaps this is where I can appreciate B. for his existence in my life.  I'm not fully there yet, being able to look at him as a meaningful experience yet. But I guess he gave me what I always craved.  He gave it to me in excess so I now know that it's not enough.  Perhaps I got it in excess to know that white-hot passion isn't always the true indicator of how someone feels for you.  Comparing Robert and B. side-by-side makes me feel like I under-appreciated all of the good things Robert gave me.  Did I overlook his feelings for me in his subtlety?  Did I feel "less loved" because he didn't say all the right things, do all the right things?  I guess these questions are all moot considering he's the one that left, not me.