I am getting... anxious. I am going home for the holidays soon. I've never gone back home to see family so frequently. But it just so happens that my schedule is more flexible this year and because I have interviews back there-- that I will be in my hometown for approximately... 3 weeks.
3. weeks. Gahh! The anxiety has been creeping up on me these days because I haven't been home for so long. It's true, I do feel like I "ran away" after Robert and I broke up. As it was, I lived across the country attending college. But I took the next step to study abroad (which I already wanted to anyways). If I’m honest enough, I can admit that part of the reason did include running away. I simply didn’t/don't know how to live in the same suburb with someone who is 5 minutes away and yet has purposely chosen to cut-of-all-contact from me. So, in addition to wanting to see the world, travel, and study, I thought to myself: why subject myself to the torture of being so close when I can also flee the scene?
So, I have fled and fled and now I may be back there for the next year. I’ll certainly be back for 3 weeks starting next week. In the upcoming month, I imagine a ton of journal entries delving into grief, loss, letting-go, and heartaches. Ugh.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
"Everything I do, I do for you"
Awww, how romantic: "everything I do, I do for you."
NOT!!
How unromantic. How crippling! How co-dependent!
These days, I have very negative reactions to statements such as these. Why does our culture (societal) promote such co-dependence in romantic relationships? Why do we romanticize losing yourself in a relationship and possibly foregoing our own goals so that our only focus is on the other person?
I am resentful of these kinds of "romantic" messages because I fall for them. I subscribe to them. And I am a loyal believer in them. I've been a romantic since I was a kid! And I continue to adopt this way of thinking even though I'm trying to tell myself "I should know better..."
As I prepare for interviews these days, the reality sinks in that I may be moving back to my hometown for my next year of my training. And while that is exciting on one hand (because my family is there), it is heartbreakingly depressing because I always envisioned myself back there with my first love. I always envisioned returning to be a reunion for us. I hadn't expected to go back and be... alone. I suppose if I were dating someone else, I wouldn't be feeling alone. On the other hand, I suspect that even if I were with anyone else, I would still feel a twinge of nostalgia and sadness that it's not him I'm with. When I'm home, I can't understand why we're not together. But when I'm on my own, away from my hometown, I do pretty well for myself. It's like I'm a different person.
How can I explain it? There's something about being far away that makes our breakup acceptable. Yet when I'm home for the holidays, not being together feels... wrong. It feels unnatural. So when I go home for the holidays, I get anxious, distressed, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive, and unable to understand why we are not together.
"Everything I do, I do for you." Years ago, I thought that the only reason I'd move back home was to be with Robert. But I guess I'm doing it for me now. I guess I'm doing it for my family too. I don't know. It still feels unnatural and I have to remind myself not to purposely mess up because I'm so terrified of being back there alone and without him.
NOT!!
How unromantic. How crippling! How co-dependent!
These days, I have very negative reactions to statements such as these. Why does our culture (societal) promote such co-dependence in romantic relationships? Why do we romanticize losing yourself in a relationship and possibly foregoing our own goals so that our only focus is on the other person?
I am resentful of these kinds of "romantic" messages because I fall for them. I subscribe to them. And I am a loyal believer in them. I've been a romantic since I was a kid! And I continue to adopt this way of thinking even though I'm trying to tell myself "I should know better..."
As I prepare for interviews these days, the reality sinks in that I may be moving back to my hometown for my next year of my training. And while that is exciting on one hand (because my family is there), it is heartbreakingly depressing because I always envisioned myself back there with my first love. I always envisioned returning to be a reunion for us. I hadn't expected to go back and be... alone. I suppose if I were dating someone else, I wouldn't be feeling alone. On the other hand, I suspect that even if I were with anyone else, I would still feel a twinge of nostalgia and sadness that it's not him I'm with. When I'm home, I can't understand why we're not together. But when I'm on my own, away from my hometown, I do pretty well for myself. It's like I'm a different person.
How can I explain it? There's something about being far away that makes our breakup acceptable. Yet when I'm home for the holidays, not being together feels... wrong. It feels unnatural. So when I go home for the holidays, I get anxious, distressed, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive, and unable to understand why we are not together.
"Everything I do, I do for you." Years ago, I thought that the only reason I'd move back home was to be with Robert. But I guess I'm doing it for me now. I guess I'm doing it for my family too. I don't know. It still feels unnatural and I have to remind myself not to purposely mess up because I'm so terrified of being back there alone and without him.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Hometown memories
While traveling back to visit my family yesterday, I suddenly realized why I've been so emotional over the past few days. It's because I'm coming back to my hometown AND it's it's the first time I'm back as a single girl.
I can't remember the last time I was was home for the holidays and single.
Actually, I do.
I used to come home from college/grad school and subconsciously look for him. My first love. I would anxiously and hopefully to run into him. And I constantly wondered if he was around or nearby. Whenever friends of ours (especially his) would invite me out, I would go out with them hoping that by chance I could hear some news about him. I fantasized about the possibility of running into him by accident. Or even better, I dreamed of possibly attending the same social event as him.
In the house that I grew up in, I would also be surrounded by old memorabilia from high school, like old diaries during those years, as well as gifts and pictures from the last part of my high school years. It set the scene for ultimate nostalgia as I would reminisce about my first relationship and how I used to feel and what I used to do when I would come home to see (my family and) him.
If I could capture my first love with a romantic movie, I would say it is the beginning and end scene from Love Actually:
Most meaningful to me are these airport scene(s) when people who love each other reunite after traveling afar. These include parents and their kids, uncles and aunts, grandparents and grandchildren, good friends, and most of all, lovers. This is my scene. The scene that I often had with my first love! It is what I experienced and looked forward to during the period of long-distance dating we endured during my college years.
I watched Love Actually after our breakup, and I remember crying silently in the movie theatre at the beginning and end of the movie. For me, these airport scenes made me realize that losing my first love was not just saying goodbye to a lover. It was goodbye to a friend, my best friend, and it was goodbye to who I already considered to be my current and also future family member.
I can't remember the last time I was was home for the holidays and single.
Actually, I do.
I used to come home from college/grad school and subconsciously look for him. My first love. I would anxiously and hopefully to run into him. And I constantly wondered if he was around or nearby. Whenever friends of ours (especially his) would invite me out, I would go out with them hoping that by chance I could hear some news about him. I fantasized about the possibility of running into him by accident. Or even better, I dreamed of possibly attending the same social event as him.
In the house that I grew up in, I would also be surrounded by old memorabilia from high school, like old diaries during those years, as well as gifts and pictures from the last part of my high school years. It set the scene for ultimate nostalgia as I would reminisce about my first relationship and how I used to feel and what I used to do when I would come home to see (my family and) him.
If I could capture my first love with a romantic movie, I would say it is the beginning and end scene from Love Actually:
Most meaningful to me are these airport scene(s) when people who love each other reunite after traveling afar. These include parents and their kids, uncles and aunts, grandparents and grandchildren, good friends, and most of all, lovers. This is my scene. The scene that I often had with my first love! It is what I experienced and looked forward to during the period of long-distance dating we endured during my college years.
I watched Love Actually after our breakup, and I remember crying silently in the movie theatre at the beginning and end of the movie. For me, these airport scenes made me realize that losing my first love was not just saying goodbye to a lover. It was goodbye to a friend, my best friend, and it was goodbye to who I already considered to be my current and also future family member.
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