Valentine's Day Weekend Recap

I had the best Valentine's Day Weekend celebration ever!
Jay sent me a gorgeous bouquet of red roses the night before Valentine's day with a card that said:

"Sher, I hope you enjoy these roses. The first of many more to come! I'm so blessed to have you (and Mr. Z.) in my life. Will you be my valentine? -- Jay"

He told me it was an accident that the delivery came so early, as he planned for it to arrive on Valentine's day so that he could get here first and unwrap the flowers and have it in a vase and ready to hand to me, personally. If that's the not the sweetest plan ever, I don't know it is! At least, in my life, so far!

On the actual Valentine's Day (Friday), Jay got here just in time for me to whisk him away to dinner, where I wined & dined him over a 4 course meal. We sat on a beautiful balcony with twinkly nights and he said it was his first and only experience of being taken out and treated in such a special way. When we got home, I gave him a puzzle card, and in it, a riddle that I wrote:

"Riddle me this: you've lit up my life in H-ville, now it's my turn!"

He asked for another hint, to which I said: "our first date in H-ville," and immediately, he responded with "biking?" and he knew immediately that I had gotten him bicycle lights. He loved my gift! :)

On Saturday, Jay accompanied me to a cultural event and made my night. He did the same thing on Sunday morning, and I've since realized that I can be 100% myself when I'm with him.  Is this what it's like to find someone that complements you?

This Valentine's weekend, I felt like he was my shadow. I was no longer self-conscious or worried about having to entertain or host him. I felt comforted by his presence. I also felt comfortable being in my own skin... for the first time. 

In fact, late Saturday night, he worked on his bike in the living room while I baked doggy cookies for Mr. Z. and for Jay's brother's dog, Roscoe. We had the TV on in the background, we were both working in silence but contentedly with each other's company, and it was comfortable. We were in autonomous and doing our own thing, but we were also in synchrony.

This weekend was sooo great.

I am love-able challenge: Day 1

I am love-able because...

...
...
...

Um, this project is way harder than anticipated. It took me a few minutes longer to fall asleep last night because I was ransacking my brain for something anything to write for today.

Half a day later, I am still empty-handed.


Oh! I got it!

This morning, I called to make reservations at a fancy restaurant for me & Jay this Friday night (Valentine's day!). This will be my first Valentine's Day celebration, being with a the person that I am in a relationship with!  In the past, I've either celebrated it via long-distance dating, or not at all because my ex-boyfriend was disgusted by these "stupid American capitalistic holidays."  It didn't matter to him that I loved the romance, the excitement, the drama, and the overemphasis placed on being extra lovey-dovey for an entire day.

Jay has no idea what I have planned for him: a pre-set meal that involves appetizer, salad, main course, and a dessert in a nice restaurant with live music! I also got him some expensive bicycle lights as a gift. I did my some thorough research on the best kind of lights for commuter biking. I also made this decision without getting the OK from Jay's brother. For Jay's birthday last month, I picked out the perfect present for him thanks to brotherly input. This time, I'm taking a significant risk by going with my gut instinct.

I am surprised by my own proactive decision to make plans for Friday night! I wonder how much this has to do with being in a secure and happy relationship. Because for the most part, that's what being with Jay has been like (outside of my head, that is). I have decided take risks by:

- planning our dinner date
- getting him a vday present
- writing him an awesome card (I already have it planned out what I'll say)

In taking this risks, I have my answer for this challenge!

I am loveable because... I am willing to take risks in the name of love!

I am willing to put my heart on-the-line and take a non-traditional gender role approach to being the planner, the one who will wine-and-dine my beau, and to sweep him off of his feet! I even have the lingerie planned for the night, so it will be a night of sweet romance and candle-light sexiness! :)

There are so many ways the night can go wrong-- and the risks feel pretty mortifying. Want to know my fears? To begin, he might think I'm too over-the-top, dramatic, and wasteful. I am spending quite a lot of money on this dinner (even if it's the most affordable and best-value-option!). Perhaps he might even think I'm trying to buy his love by showering him with all of this wonderfulness! In contrast to how he feels about me, he could also perceive me as being overly-attached and making too much meaning out of our relationship. It's been only 4 months that we're together, and maybe he doesn't see the point of having such a big celebration for such a short courtship so far? He might find me too warm and fuzzy and unrealistic about love and relationships.

There is so much at risk and it is terrifying (but liberating to write it all out!). It's for the reasons that I consider myself love-able and even bordering on being brave! Go, me!

On being liked... romantically.

I can write for days end about being liked, in general.  But this post is not about that.  It's about my tendency to feel absolutely disgusted when I find out that someone likes me, romantically.

Why is that, I wonder?

Why is it that in almost all social settings, I cater to pleasing others and maintaining harmony for the sake of being liked? But then when someone potentially likes me and tries to get close to me, I balk at that possibility and run as far as possible?

In elementary school, one of my best friends developed a crush on me and wrote me a love letter of some sort. He was pretty explicit about liking me, and as soon as I found out, I treated him as though he had some sort of contagious disease.

Similarly, in high school, when a friend asked me to the winter formal and declared his love for me in front of well, everyone, I freaked out and began to avoid him at all costs.

While some people may think this is some sort of diva or princess attitude, I consider that explanation to be much more superficial than the truth.  The complex, complicated, and convoluted reality is actually quite sad and it is the opposite of self-entitlement.

The truth is that whenever someone likes me, I find myself immediately shocked at the possibility that some person in this world has an interest in me.  I cannot fathom why anyone would find me interesting, much less take the next step to pursue me. Instead of feeling flattered, I delve straight into contempt and disgust. What is WRONG with this person that he likes me? Why are his standards so low? What does he see in me that 99.9% of the people don't see? What is wrong with him that he sees good in something (ahem, me) that I see as so bad (again, me)?

The shame is overwhelming, and I hadn't even realized that it was my own self-contempt that blocks my way to happiness.  Why don't I love myself more? Wait, let me take a step back. Why don't I like myself enough to believe that I am likeable, and at some point, even loveable?

These self-reflections are so good for me in my journey of self-exploration and -empowerment. If I don't love myself more than anyone else in this world, then why should someone else?  And if I depend on someone else's affection to validate my self-worth, then who am I on my own? My goals, both now and for the rest of my life, are to love myself, and to find things within me that I can identify with, accept, and come to love.  It's a 3-step process: 1) identify, 2) accept, and 3) love.

First, I must identify who I am, and what I'm all about.
Next, I have to accept all that I am, the good, the bad, the neutral, and the shameful.
Finally, I have to find a way to love it because they are all part of me, whether I like it or not. And far from fighting it, why not embrace it, love it, and believe that the sum is greater than all of its parts? That I, as a person, am good even if there are bad parts?

I think that only when I can love myself more, will I be able to let myself be loved by another person. And just to clarify...  I'm not talking about just any random person. My track-record to date, shows that I keep finding people who are unhealthy themselves validate my existence. So, when I say another person, I'm talking about someone who will also be healthy enough to love me as well as love himself.  Someone whole, someone at peace, and someone that can help me be better in the same way that I can help him be better.

And let's face it, we can't help anyone be better when we're not whole. I can't help anyone.  I can't even help myself when I look to someone else to make me feel whole.

"Everything I do, I do for you"

Awww, how romantic: "everything I do, I do for you."

NOT!!

How unromantic.  How crippling! How co-dependent!

These days, I have very negative reactions to statements such as these.  Why does our culture (societal) promote such co-dependence in romantic relationships?  Why do we romanticize losing yourself in a relationship and possibly foregoing our own goals so that our only focus is on the other person?

I am resentful of these kinds of "romantic" messages because I fall for them.  I subscribe to them. And I am a loyal believer in them. I've been a romantic since I was a kid! And I continue to adopt this way of thinking even though I'm trying to tell myself "I should know better..."

As I prepare for interviews these days, the reality sinks in that I may be moving back to my hometown for my next year of my training.  And while that is exciting on one hand (because my family is there), it is heartbreakingly depressing because I always envisioned myself back there with my first love.  I always envisioned returning to be a reunion for us.  I hadn't expected to go back and be... alone. I suppose if I were dating someone else, I wouldn't be feeling alone.  On the other hand, I suspect that even if I were with anyone else, I would still feel a twinge of nostalgia and sadness that it's not him I'm with. When I'm home, I can't understand why we're not together.  But when I'm on my own, away from my hometown, I do pretty well for myself.  It's like I'm a different person.

How can I explain it? There's something about being far away that makes our breakup acceptable. Yet when I'm home for the holidays, not being together feels... wrong.  It feels unnatural. So when I go home for the holidays, I get anxious, distressed, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive, and unable to understand why we are not together.

"Everything I do, I do for you." Years ago, I thought that the only reason I'd move back home was to be with Robert.  But I guess I'm doing it for me now.  I guess I'm doing it for my family too.  I don't know.  It still feels unnatural and I have to remind myself not to purposely mess up because I'm so terrified of being back there alone and without him.