How to spend time together

How do normal couples spend time together?  -- Probably not stuck at the hip during the weekends, right?

So far, that's how Jay and I have spent our time together. After a week of not seeing each other, we spend weekends completely immersed with each other with zero time apart. We sleep, eat, socialize, shop, and watch TV together.

As great as it is to be full-time cuddlers, this kind of bonding doesn't allow either one of us to have weekends doing things we would usually do. For him, that might be golfing with colleagues or riding his bike at 6am.  For me, that includes shopping and taking Mr. Z. on long walks or finding ways to be outdoors.

It's a strange feeling, being really content with someone while also feeling bored with your activity together. I feel terrible to be using the word bored, but that is how I feel when we're lying on the couch for hours: watching tv show after tv show (albeit, together).  All of last year, I lived without a TV! Being in front of the boob tube all weekend feels like the biggest waste of time to me and I'd much rather be doing something interactive together like an art project or some sort of physical activity. I've even wondered if we can take a couple of hours apart from each other before coming back together. He can watch TV if he wants, but I can do something that's going to make me feel productive about my weekend and also happy?

How would I request this?
AND
How do normal couples who spend their day-to-day with each other, spend their weekends?
How do couples who have long-distance weekdays spend their weekends together? Are you obligated to do everything together?

Planning for 2

It's still hard to believe I have a boyfriend/partner.
That is because for me, having a boyfriend means being able to plan for 2.
That's my dictionary definition! Having a boyfriend/partner = being a "we."
Up until now, I have not thought of us as a "we"-- as one entity.

I have made plans solo; and then afterwards, asked if he wanted to join.
I have not assumed his plans include me.
I have worked hard to distinguish him from me; and his from mine.

I've been hurt too many times in the past when I too quickly assumed that there was a "we."
I entered a relationship too excited, overly vulnerable, and then inevitably heartbroken.
I'd want to expose them to everything in my world and to want to know about theirs. Meet my friends, meet my family, get to know me.  Introduce me to your friends, your family, let me get to know you!

I've been emotionally slapped in the face one too many times so that now I take 3 steps, just in case.

Today, I took a risk.
Jay's spring break is coming up and I'm unsure if his plans include me.
I am currently making some plans for during that time and feeling unsure if he or "we" will be doing anything.
I texted him 10 minute ago and have not heard back.
My heart is pounding.
I just jeopardized all that I've done to protect myself and my vulnerability. Ugh.

Soul mates

I don't know if I believe in the idea of soul mates, anymore.

But I do like this quote, and I wonder where I can get me one of these...

Question:
Do soul mates always have to be romantic? Can they come in the form of friends? Families? Acquaintances that we meet at a particular moment in time but contribute to our lives significantly?

On being liked... romantically.

I can write for days end about being liked, in general.  But this post is not about that.  It's about my tendency to feel absolutely disgusted when I find out that someone likes me, romantically.

Why is that, I wonder?

Why is it that in almost all social settings, I cater to pleasing others and maintaining harmony for the sake of being liked? But then when someone potentially likes me and tries to get close to me, I balk at that possibility and run as far as possible?

In elementary school, one of my best friends developed a crush on me and wrote me a love letter of some sort. He was pretty explicit about liking me, and as soon as I found out, I treated him as though he had some sort of contagious disease.

Similarly, in high school, when a friend asked me to the winter formal and declared his love for me in front of well, everyone, I freaked out and began to avoid him at all costs.

While some people may think this is some sort of diva or princess attitude, I consider that explanation to be much more superficial than the truth.  The complex, complicated, and convoluted reality is actually quite sad and it is the opposite of self-entitlement.

The truth is that whenever someone likes me, I find myself immediately shocked at the possibility that some person in this world has an interest in me.  I cannot fathom why anyone would find me interesting, much less take the next step to pursue me. Instead of feeling flattered, I delve straight into contempt and disgust. What is WRONG with this person that he likes me? Why are his standards so low? What does he see in me that 99.9% of the people don't see? What is wrong with him that he sees good in something (ahem, me) that I see as so bad (again, me)?

The shame is overwhelming, and I hadn't even realized that it was my own self-contempt that blocks my way to happiness.  Why don't I love myself more? Wait, let me take a step back. Why don't I like myself enough to believe that I am likeable, and at some point, even loveable?

These self-reflections are so good for me in my journey of self-exploration and -empowerment. If I don't love myself more than anyone else in this world, then why should someone else?  And if I depend on someone else's affection to validate my self-worth, then who am I on my own? My goals, both now and for the rest of my life, are to love myself, and to find things within me that I can identify with, accept, and come to love.  It's a 3-step process: 1) identify, 2) accept, and 3) love.

First, I must identify who I am, and what I'm all about.
Next, I have to accept all that I am, the good, the bad, the neutral, and the shameful.
Finally, I have to find a way to love it because they are all part of me, whether I like it or not. And far from fighting it, why not embrace it, love it, and believe that the sum is greater than all of its parts? That I, as a person, am good even if there are bad parts?

I think that only when I can love myself more, will I be able to let myself be loved by another person. And just to clarify...  I'm not talking about just any random person. My track-record to date, shows that I keep finding people who are unhealthy themselves validate my existence. So, when I say another person, I'm talking about someone who will also be healthy enough to love me as well as love himself.  Someone whole, someone at peace, and someone that can help me be better in the same way that I can help him be better.

And let's face it, we can't help anyone be better when we're not whole. I can't help anyone.  I can't even help myself when I look to someone else to make me feel whole.