On being liked... romantically.

I can write for days end about being liked, in general.  But this post is not about that.  It's about my tendency to feel absolutely disgusted when I find out that someone likes me, romantically.

Why is that, I wonder?

Why is it that in almost all social settings, I cater to pleasing others and maintaining harmony for the sake of being liked? But then when someone potentially likes me and tries to get close to me, I balk at that possibility and run as far as possible?

In elementary school, one of my best friends developed a crush on me and wrote me a love letter of some sort. He was pretty explicit about liking me, and as soon as I found out, I treated him as though he had some sort of contagious disease.

Similarly, in high school, when a friend asked me to the winter formal and declared his love for me in front of well, everyone, I freaked out and began to avoid him at all costs.

While some people may think this is some sort of diva or princess attitude, I consider that explanation to be much more superficial than the truth.  The complex, complicated, and convoluted reality is actually quite sad and it is the opposite of self-entitlement.

The truth is that whenever someone likes me, I find myself immediately shocked at the possibility that some person in this world has an interest in me.  I cannot fathom why anyone would find me interesting, much less take the next step to pursue me. Instead of feeling flattered, I delve straight into contempt and disgust. What is WRONG with this person that he likes me? Why are his standards so low? What does he see in me that 99.9% of the people don't see? What is wrong with him that he sees good in something (ahem, me) that I see as so bad (again, me)?

The shame is overwhelming, and I hadn't even realized that it was my own self-contempt that blocks my way to happiness.  Why don't I love myself more? Wait, let me take a step back. Why don't I like myself enough to believe that I am likeable, and at some point, even loveable?

These self-reflections are so good for me in my journey of self-exploration and -empowerment. If I don't love myself more than anyone else in this world, then why should someone else?  And if I depend on someone else's affection to validate my self-worth, then who am I on my own? My goals, both now and for the rest of my life, are to love myself, and to find things within me that I can identify with, accept, and come to love.  It's a 3-step process: 1) identify, 2) accept, and 3) love.

First, I must identify who I am, and what I'm all about.
Next, I have to accept all that I am, the good, the bad, the neutral, and the shameful.
Finally, I have to find a way to love it because they are all part of me, whether I like it or not. And far from fighting it, why not embrace it, love it, and believe that the sum is greater than all of its parts? That I, as a person, am good even if there are bad parts?

I think that only when I can love myself more, will I be able to let myself be loved by another person. And just to clarify...  I'm not talking about just any random person. My track-record to date, shows that I keep finding people who are unhealthy themselves validate my existence. So, when I say another person, I'm talking about someone who will also be healthy enough to love me as well as love himself.  Someone whole, someone at peace, and someone that can help me be better in the same way that I can help him be better.

And let's face it, we can't help anyone be better when we're not whole. I can't help anyone.  I can't even help myself when I look to someone else to make me feel whole.

Relationship with myself

Time after time, person after person, relationship after relationship, I've lost myself, my identity, and my needs.

It's happening again, but this time it's not about a boy or a romantic relationship either.

As I'm working on my dissertation (defense), I have been feeling utterly terrified. Immobilized even. I sit in front of the computer, freak-out in my head feeling traumatized by my last experience with my dissertation committee.

2 years ago, I had the most negative academic experience of my life... and it was one week after I had discovered that B. cheated on me.  May 5 was the day that I discovered his cheating emails to another woman and I had been devastated beyond belief.  One week later, I had my dissertation proposal meeting with 4 professors grilled me about my project, my research, and my abilities. I knew that those meetings are supposed to be hard, but it was much more than that for me. It was devastating as well-- except this time, professionally.  I had gotten such negative feedback, such poor delivery in the feedback, such a slap-in-the-face (figuratively) that I lost all sense of confidence in me. I felt completely incompetent in every single way possible: as a person, lover,  woman, girlfriend, and then on top of that, as a researcher, scientist, student, advisee, etc. etc.

Fast-forward to now and it's 2 years later but I feel the same, if not worse. I feel ashamed of what happened 2 years ago.  On top of that, I anticipate a repeat episode of what happened before. People who don't know me shake their heads at me and laugh off my concerns. They think I'm freaking out for no reason and remind me of my strengths.  But for the people who know me, they know that my self-doubt and fear are not case-specific or incident-specific. They are the outcome of two of the most negative experiences of my life and they are now, salient aspects of my identity.

I leave myself with this quote as a reminder that I have to prove myself wrong.  I have to pass this test, in the same way I passed my last "test" when B. suddenly showed up in my life but I maintained boundaries, composure, and distance. I have to pass it because if I don't, the same problems will emerge over and over, and they will all entail my sense of self-doubt, self-shame, and immobilized fear to "be myself"-- for better or for worse.

Running away

Hi, I'm back.

I know, bad blogger, bad blogger.

Last week, with all that happened, I ran away from journaling, writing, reflecting, or even being mindful.  I couldn't stand to have a pity-party. And I really did not want to feel angry, either. So I decided to stop thinking altogether.

Instead, I threw myself into surviving the week and pretending B. never re-appeared back into my life.  I busied myself with planning Mr. Z's birthday party (yes, I did throw him a bday party), which required cleaning my house, baking a doggy-cake from scratch, buying actual cakes for the humans who are coming, and getting all sorts of party supplies for the big day.

Celebrating Mr. Z's bday got me through the week.  As Penny would day, "Look, he's saving you from B. again."

As absurd as it sounds to throw a birthday party for your dog, I did it!  I judged myself quite harshly throughout the process, and also ridiculed myself in the privacy of my own thoughts.  Here I am, someone who used to fear dogs and to mock those who carted their puppies everywhere.  And now, I am on the other side of the fence, doing exactly what I would have laughed at, merely a year ago.

Wait, who am I again?

But then I remind myself that this is how I love.  Throwing a party for Mr. Z. is not that different from when I threw B. a surprise birthday party 2 years ago.  Being in the foul mood that he was in, and considering he has 0 friends, I invited a group of my pals over for dinner.  He wanted to cook, so I assisted while he showed-off his skills.  I asked Penny to bring over an expensive ice cream cake and I prepared candles so we can surprise him after dinner.  The entire event went off without a hitch, and he was so pleasantly surprised.  It was quite wonderful to make someone happy and it made me feel like I was soaring on cloud now!  Until.... everyone left.  When the party ended, he wanted to alcohol, stat.  That's what happens when he got happy.  ALCOHOL! And when he got sad? ALCOHOL!  And of course, without a car, he wanted me to drive him to pick up liquor. 

Now, for me, there are few things I hate doing.  But liquor runs?

I DETEST liquor runs. 

I feel cheap going on liquor runs and I personally don't like the effect of excessive alcohol in people.  The entire night went from wonderful to bitter.  I ended up driving him to pick up alcohol and dropping him off at home.  I came back alone to my apartment and did all the cleaning up that you do after a party.  We had already yelled and screamed and there was just exhaustion and more exhaustion.  Ah, memories of that party.  How bitter that was, and not at all sweet.

This year, I was so happy to throw a party for Mr. Z. and to clean up for him afterwards.  We sang a birthday song (at my request), we ate cake, we cut his cake, we opened presents, and we laughed at me and this event that I made everyone come for. 

It was absolutely strange and fun!  And when it ended, it was still wonderful and that was a healing experience for me.  It was so reparative to know that I can love and give again, and not be damaged in return.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Mr. Z!

Thank you for coming into my life!

This is just the 1st of many more celebrations to come! :)

Self-exploration

My resolution for the upcoming year (and remaining days of this month) is to go on an adventure! The journey I'm embarking on is self-exploration, and it is the start of what will certainly be a life-long quest to having a better understanding of me.

With all the intense processing and grieving I've been going through, I have decided that it is time to stop analyzing myself with a critical eye.  I mean, self-analysis and self-reflection is good. But it's time to stop being judgmental, condemning, and condescending to myself.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a reflective person in the sense that I am really good at scrutinizing myself.  I actually take the time to deal with questions that I have for myself, which have to do with: "How did I mess that up? What did I do wrong? How could I have done that better? What should I have done differently? What would anyone else do? What would most people do? What is wrong with me that this ended up badly? How can I fix myself so I don't make the same mistake again?"

This is how I talk to myself all the time.  This is how I've been reflecting for the past decades, under the guise of self-reflection, self-help, and self-improvement.

I see now that my "growth" really hasn't been a positive, encouraging, reinforcing, or even pleasurable experience. What I've done is critique myself harshly by giving me the permission to judge myself with no holds barred and to let loose my tendency to bask in self-contempt. I thought that blaming myself and changing myself would be the best form of growth for me.  But what's actually happened is that I've nurtured self-blame, self-hate, and self-criticism. I've felt perpetually terrible about who I am as a person, and have tried to compensate in every which way.  I change myself as much as possible to make a situation better, to make someone happier, to please some other entity because my perception of myself is not good enough, not worthy enough, and based on external criteria.

I didn't even realize how much self-judgment I had until recently.  Thanks to blogging, journaling, processing with friends, going through meta-reflection, and also going to therapy, I see now that what I was doing was quite unhealthy.  For the past 7 years, I've tried to "grow" by compensating for whatever it is I did that led to me and Robert's breakup.  Without knowing why we broke up (and I never will), I took on that responsibility, 100%, and attributed all the problems to me-- whatever they are/were.  I assumed that I must have been too demanding, too selfish, too busy, too whatever-- so that is why Robert left me.  I blamed myself because that was the only way I could experience some sort of control over what was unpredictable and uncomprehensible to me.

Well, no more self-blame.  I am deciding to respect that Robert is a grown man capable of making decisions for himself.  I will borrow from the medical field in which there is a belief in client autonomy because each person is assumed to be responsible for their own decision-making.  Robert ended things with me by choice, not by circumstance or situation.  For so many years, I assumed it was anything and everything but his choice.  I imagined that his choice was to be together forever, but that external factors drove us away from each other so that we had to wait to reunite one day.  I realize recently, that my mentality was unreal and simply untrue. Our breakup was not due to circumstance, it was/is a choice that Robert made-- and therefore something that I must respect.  Just like we respect opinions that we don't agree with, I have to respect his opinion in which it is acceptable to break up without having an excuse. I have to live with this reality anyway.  And I can either let that fact be his decision or I can attribute to a never-ending list of my shortcomings.

As I think about it in this new way, I choose to believe in his decision-making and therefore, I choose to finally let go of my idea of "us".  I choose to focus on me more positively from now on, without the intense judgment and contempt that I have always had for myself.  Of course, I will continue reflect on my relationships with people and my role in each of those dynamics.  But I will not assume that I am always to blame. And I will not assume that something is wrong with me and needs to be changed.

Because I am embarking on an adventure that is focused on "exploration"-- I will not assume anything, I will simply explore without any judgment.  I will explore me and what even means! Who am I?  What are my beliefs? What are my core values? What are the things that cannot be compromised? What do I like to do? What do I not like to do? What makes me happy? What doesn't make me happy? What are my priorities in life?

I am sure that as I move through life, these answers will change because I will evolve.  But that I'm even asking these questions is a wonderful and conscious start to self-exploration, self-curiosity, and self-learning.  I cannot fathom being in another relationship without knowing myself more.  I cannot fathom losing myself in another relationship, and relying on another person almost exclusively to help me feel whole.  I absolutely need to know who I am so that I can know what feeling whole will feel like-- what being me feels like.

Secrets, secrets, and more shame

I have 4 interviews scheduled within the next couple of weeks!

As exciting as this is, my anxiety is shooting straight through the roof. For the past few days, I've been preparing with friends and finding myself flustered, confused, incoherent, and overwhelmed.  I feel like an imposter.  This feels like imposter syndrome.  And I'm terrified of being caught.

My greatest fear is that my interviewer(s) will find out I'm empty inside.  They'll realize I'm a facade of knowledge and experience, and that I simply look good on paper, but not in-person.  I worry that they will see through me.  I feel scared, vulnerable, uncomfortable in my own skin, and terrified.  What if no one wants me? What if no one thinks I'm good enough? What if people find out that I am flawed-- not just flawed, period.  But flawed in all the places that matter the most?

When I couldn't answer a practice interview question about "4-5 interpersonal strengths", I realized that something was wrong.  Even if I am modest by nature, this question should not be so difficult that I stutter and umm and uhh through my way for 5 minutes without coming up with anything other than 2 points: 1) I'm good at making people feel comfortable and able to be vulnerable, and 2) I can relate to anyone.

Today, I finally realized what the major problem is.  I feel like I have a big secret to hide.  Wait, scratch that.  I have several big secrets to hide, and I don't know whether/how to hide them all. How can one be secretive and vulnerable at the same time?  How is it possible to be genuine but also hide parts of myself simultaneously?  The answer is that you can't! I can't! And that is why I have been unable to get-through my practice interviews without feeling emotionally overwhelmed and tongue-twisted.

What are these secrets of mine?  Well, they are my shame.  I am terrified that in all my answers, people will realize that I love too much, give too much, want too much of a fantasy, and therefore deny reality too much.  The thought of being seen-through horrifies me.  I have been feeling vulnerable as it is.  Now imagine being asked questions that tap into my strengths and weaknesses, my approaches to problem-solving, my outlook towards the process of change.  I fear that in my answers, people will read-through me to learn about who I am.  I am terrified that they might know that I just got out of a very unhealthy relationship.  I am so scared that they will actually know more about me to realize that I am flawed.  I worry that my answers will truthfully reflect my strengths and limitations: they will see that I am scarred and hurting, and that I have made decisions that have hurt me and my sense of self-worth and value.

And then what? What happens after I fail at hiding. What if they no longer respect me after they find out who I am? What if they then decide to ask about my bad-decision-making abilities?  What if they find out that I've betrayed my own values, beliefs and priorities before?  What if they judge me for my failed relationships in the past, and are impatient at my slowness to quickly "get myself together"? What will happen if they can see-through my answers and know about the "me" that I am working on so much?

I realize that I judge her harder than anyone possibly will.  I don't like her, the girl that I used to be.  The girl that was with B.  The person who stayed with him for so long and denied the truth of who he was.  I don't like that she gave up her friends for him,  gave up her foods for him, gave up her identity for him.  I don't really respect her and I don't have enough compassion for her.  I have more anger towards her and more impatience. I am working hard to grow away from her and to be different from her. I do NOT want to identify with her.  In turn, I do not want her to represent the person I want to be.

So in an interview setting, I don't want anyone to see her as part of me. I don't want her to be associated with me, much less part of my history and my identity. It's tough enough that I judge her, I don't want anyone else to judge her.

Grief grief grief

My grief is out of control.

It is spilling out of me like lava erupting from a volcano, and last night, it was unstoppable.  I cried for a long time after my entry and realized that my heartache dates way back to my first relationship and continues to haunt me as I try to rectify it in subsequent relationships.

Initially, I started this blog to talk about my unhealthy relationship with B., and to offer myself and others a community to talk about unhealthy relationships and the shame, heartache, angst, and suffering that we go through in isolation. I thought that I would write primarily about B. and about the contents of that relationship.  I also expected to write about some attachment issues I have so that I can explore my role in being in such a dysfunctional relationship for so long. Reviewing previous relationships also seem like a must-do for a blog that is focused on figuring myself out in relationships.  But to date all the way back to the first one, and to realize how intense my feelings still are.... that surprised me.  My emotions yesterday caught me completely off-guard and left me feeling so vulnerable and unfamiliar with myself and where I'm at.

Today, I am feeling a little better. I suppose you have to feel better after drowning in your bed of tears for half the night.  No, not really.  I didn't cry half the night, but I did cry without really understanding why or what I wanted.  I just cried.  That is grief, I suppose.  This is me finally dealing with my first loss and all that it meant to me.

My plan today is to continue to sit with myself and let these feelings emerge.  I will try not to judge myself.  I will strive to be compassionate and welcoming to the vulnerable me that is hiding deep within.   I'm working on removing my own self-contempt and choosing instead to accept that emotional mess (bad word choice) that I am.  Instead, I am going to positively re-frame how I see myself using some of my favorite things and images.  I will see myself as a multi-layered cake (better word choice?) full of raw feelings.  Each layer is a separate emotion and the grief and heartache can be the jam that oozes out. Especially because I just watched season 2 of Just Desserts, I have some images floating in my head to convey my self-representation.  Yummy!

Links to these two pictures can be found if you google: "Devil's food cake with chocolate buttercream, salted caramel and raspberries".  Again, Yum!