It is spilling out of me like lava erupting from a volcano, and last night, it was unstoppable. I cried for a long time after my entry and realized that my heartache dates way back to my first relationship and continues to haunt me as I try to rectify it in subsequent relationships.
Initially, I started this blog to talk about my unhealthy relationship with B., and to offer myself and others a community to talk about unhealthy relationships and the shame, heartache, angst, and suffering that we go through in isolation. I thought that I would write primarily about B. and about the contents of that relationship. I also expected to write about some attachment issues I have so that I can explore my role in being in such a dysfunctional relationship for so long. Reviewing previous relationships also seem like a must-do for a blog that is focused on figuring myself out in relationships. But to date all the way back to the first one, and to realize how intense my feelings still are.... that surprised me. My emotions yesterday caught me completely off-guard and left me feeling so vulnerable and unfamiliar with myself and where I'm at.
Today, I am feeling a little better. I suppose you have to feel better after drowning in your bed of tears for half the night. No, not really. I didn't cry half the night, but I did cry without really understanding why or what I wanted. I just cried. That is grief, I suppose. This is me finally dealing with my first loss and all that it meant to me.
My plan today is to continue to sit with myself and let these feelings emerge. I will try not to judge myself. I will strive to be compassionate and welcoming to the vulnerable me that is hiding deep within. I'm working on removing my own self-contempt and choosing instead to accept that emotional
Links to these two pictures can be found if you google: "Devil's food cake with chocolate buttercream, salted caramel and raspberries". Again, Yum!
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