Re-creating closure

I've been feeling crazy lonely these days, which is strange because up until recently, I was enjoying my alone-ness and feeling empowered about being happily alone.

The more lonely I've been feeling, the more vulnerable I've felt.  And the more vulnerable I am, the more I've resorted to thinking about Robert.  Which makes me wonder... which came first: the chicken or the egg?

For me, does vulnerability come first and then my thoughts about breakups? Or do I think about breakups first and then feel vulnerable afterwards?

I spent the past few nights crying about Robert.  Why? No reason. No reason, whatsoever.

It all started when my mom brought up Robert in our phone conversation the other day. She casually mentioned that we were actually quite similar and that she is just as perplexed about him as I am. I was shell-shocked because for so many years, she's always said we were ridiculously opposites of one another and it could have never ever worked.

As she talked, I started to get emotional, wondering about all the should haves, would haves, could haves.  I cried and cried when I went to bed that night, feeling haunted by our relationship, and feeling broken-hearted about how we ended.  At the very least, why aren't we friends? At the very least, why couldn't be at least amiable to each other?

For 3 nights in-a-row, I cried and cried about Robert and had imaginary conversations with him about our breakup. I imagined shaking him and asking the Robert I used to know to come back so that I can have just one more conversation with him.  I remember when I saw Robert a few years ago, I couldn't connect with him and starting into his eyes was like looking into the eyes of a stranger.  It was heartbreaking, as if a different soul possessed his body altogether.

I just need to say goodbye to him.  That's what I need.  Because Robert and I ended so strangely, so abruptly, I think I have no closure from him, no matter how hard I have tried to create it by myself. So I laid in bed the other night telling him goodbye and telling him that he was so meaningful in my life, and  that he continues to play such an important part in my sense of identity and my feelings of self-worth as a person. I cried as though we were just breaking up and I fell asleep surrounded by kleenexes, kleenexes, and more kleenexes.

In the light of day, however, I couldn't understand why I had been so devastated the night before. What happened? What happens to me at night?

Is your relationship over?

I came across an article today, entitled: "When it's just another fight and when it's over".  It was actually featured in Yahoo under the heading, "Is your marriage over?" and I couldn't help but read it.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/just-another-fight-over-040100241.html

I'm glad I read did, actually.  But before I delve into the details, I want to note that the article was falsely advertised because it isn't only marriages that end. Break-ups suck too!  Couldn't they have promoted it as, "Is your relationship over?"

Aside from this gripe, I've been thinking about this article ever since.  The gist of this piece is about resentment and having a fight be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  In essence, it's not necessarily just that fight that leads to the breakup.  It's all the other things building up to it: all the frustrations, miscommunications, annoyances that just seem too much to bear.  So, what happens is that from one partner's perspective, s/he may think they're having just another fight.  For the other person, the one who is up to his/her ears being fed-up, it is the defining moment in realizing that it is absolutely, positively over.

This article is hitting me in a sore spot, as I think about my breakup with Robert.  Yes, again, I'm going to me talking about my first love because I grieve about him these days and not B.  I have to get to the root of this.  I have to understand why I am the way I am (when it comes to him).

I have rejected this hypothesis in the past: that we broke up because our last fight (which felt like just another fight to me) was the straw that broke his (him being a camel) back. Maybe for me, it was something I expected to resolve.  But for him, it was the last thing he wanted to handle, the last thing he wanted to tolerate. Perhaps from his perspective, it was the last jenga piece that was coming out of our already-wobbly relationship.

It's hard for me to think that our relationship led up to that point.  I find it hard to even imagine that he had a lot of resentment, anger, and frustration towards me.  It's really really hard to even think that because it would mean we were completely out-of-tune with each other. I mean, out-of-tune to the point that I didn't even know he was so unhappy.  Out-of-tune because I never imagined we would ever break-up, only that we would fight and fight, but eventually we'd work-through it and be OK. It would also hurt to know that we never even attempted to resolve his unhappiness if he was so upset with me.

Why was he so upset with me? Was I so hard to handle? To tolerate? Was our relationship (and me) so bad that he wanted nothing to do with it but to flee and run? I don't know.

I guess I'll never know. But I have to admit that like the article said, we were fighting quite a bit before our final break-up.  We were arguing quite frequently, we were both ridiculously busy and short with each other when we did talk to each other. And when I say talk to each other, I meant through the phone since we were in our 2nd year of long-distance dating.

Here's the even harder part to admit: I confess that even though we were both very busy, I probably could have invested more time and energy into him before our last fight.  I should have seen the signs. I should have done something! I remember there was one night when he was suddenly in a good mood.  He had been pretty negative throughout that week and I could not understand what was going on.  So when he was in a good mood that night, I should have spent time focusing on him and trying to re-connect us.  Instead, however, I felt pressured to host 2 of my friends who had travelled to stay for the weekend.  They had just gotten in when Robert had called.  I remember feeling relieved that he was in a good mood, and hopeful that it would stay that way.  He wanted to talk, he wanted to chat, he wanted a long call-- which was uncharacteristic of him (and us) considering how busy we had both been during that time.  If it were any other night, I would have happily obliged and enjoyed every single millisecond with him.  But I felt the pressure of hosting my 2 friends and being a bad hostess because I was out on the porch whispering into the phone at 1am. So instead, I told him I couldn't talk and hoped he would be more understanding so we can catch-up the next day. I basically said no to our time and chance to have some quality conversation together... and to this day, I continue to kick myself and wonder if that might have been the precursor to our break up.

I blame myself and wonder if things would have been different if I just continued to sit outside until the wee hours of the morn.

It is incredibly difficult for me to accept that Robert may have been pissed at me when we broke up.  It is actually (almost) impossible for me to accept that at any point, he had resentment towards me, frustration towards me, and annoyance towards me.  I'm supposed to be the person that makes him happy.  I'm supposed to be the light at the end of his tunnel.  I'm supposed to the love of his life, and the one he shares everything bad with, so we can get through and live happily ever after together.  For us to break up because he had so much pent-up negative emotions toward me (and for me to not know it) is more devastating than... what.... I don't know!  It's equivalent to feeling betrayed and cheated-on, because I feel like I never even knew that's how he felt.  He never even indicated having those feelings toward me.  He never even gave me a chance to work on it together or to address it together before deciding that we were done-zo!

So, in reading this article, I'm reminded about this alternative scenario that I rejected from my consciousness.  I have refused to wonder if we broke-up because he was sick of me, and sick of putting up with me. It is too heartbreaking for me to accept that as a reality. It's too much of a shocker because it turns my world upside-down and inside-out.  Assuming Robert and I broke up because he was fed-up with me, I will be devastated because it takes away all the good things I thought were true in our relationship.  If he really had so much resentment towards me, I will not know how to see myself anymore. I will completely doubt myself and also my reality.  I will question if the good things I experienced were actually true.  I will lose faith in myself that my instincts pick up facts. I will no longer be able to interact with anyone without wondering if they perceive me in a totally different way than how I perceive myself.

So please. Please please please: if you are going to dump someone, tell them. Explain it to them. Do something that gives them closure rather than say nothing and go away. Give them closure. Give ME closure. Because without knowing why you broke up, wondering about endless possibilities could drive a person to madness.  Or it could just keep that person pining over you and feeling heartbroken for years and years and years.  Don't punish them like that. Help them to let go. Help ME let go.

Unresolved grief/loss

I wonder how messed-up I am that I'm still not over my first love.

Just to clarify, though... when I'm dating someone else, I'm 100% committed to the other person.  There isn't even the slightest bit of emotional cheating, whatsoever.

It's just that when the break-up happens, I start to grieve simultaneously and the pain of my 1st breakup will roar back with full force.  That's definitely some unresolved issues there.

Is that normal? Or does that just happen to me?

Week 1: Out of the forest

Week 1 at home!

For my first 3 days here, I was in pure vacation-mode.  I didn't really want to journal, and I didn't need to journal because I wasn't feel any heartache.  But then... a few things happened and I definitely want to write about it to process it all out of my system. I'll devote this entry to the first thing that happened-- and it has to do with B.

A few days ago, I watched a soap opera with my family called "sisters/sisterhood".  It is a show about three sisters (and also best friends) and the relationships they have with each other and their respective families.  Because I never watch the show, I happened to watch the episode when the youngest sister discovers her husband's affair with another woman. She is devastated, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and immobile.  She takes her young daughter to her parents' home so that she can get-away to process all that has happened.

As I watched this episode, I found myself feeling a strange sense of community with this actress, this character, this woman. She knows how I feel.  Her experience is similar to mine. She is going through what I went through. It was so weird how connected I felt to her, and it was so validating at the same time.  I don't know how people respond to infidelity.  I have never seen anyone react to cheating.  Other than my own experience, I have no sources for comparison.  As such, I don't know whether my feelings are... normal or typical or just flat-out appropriate. About 15 minutes after the show ended, my family and I were sitting around watching a commercial when suddenly, I started bawling.  The tears just erupted out of me and I found myself unable to stop crying.  I heard myself crying too.  The sounds that came out of me were so raw that it almost scared me. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt the pain come out of my stomach. I gasped for air and found myself panting and taking huge gasps of air because of how hard I was crying.  It was uncontrollable.  My grandma had gone into the kitchen to make some tea, and when she heard me, she rushed back to see what was happening.  "Why, Sher? What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you like this? Is it because of what happened to that character on the show? Do you pity her, is that why? What's wrong? Please stop crying!" My mom, also in the kitchen, just told her to let me cry it out. And I did.  The whole process was intense but also brief, lasting probably about 5 minutes. When I calmed back down, I simply continued what I was doing earlier -- folding paper boxes for my grandma while watching TV.  My family was kind enough not to mention this incident and to act like the whole scenario never happened.  I was grateful for that.

Still, my sudden outpour of emotions caught-me-off-guard. I haven't thought much about B. recently, and I hadn't realized that he/we still had such an effect on me.  After all, I talk about him therapy, I have journaled about him, cried about him, cut-off all contact with him.  So why did I respond so dramatically?  Also, why was my reaction so delayed? I didn't cry while watching the show.  It was only afterwards that my thoughts and feelings sunk in.  Is this how I generally process pain?  After it's happened?

I remember when B. cheated on me and I ended up taking him back.  Life proceeded quite normally afterwards and my friends and family could not understand how I was able to do that. Where was my "healthy anger?" they asked.  Why are you not responding in the normal way people respond to betrayal?  Why are you not livid? How can you act like nothing has happened?  I couldn't fully explain it then.  All I knew was that I had to hold-it-together for the time being. I had to get-through it logically, and only afterwards, I will then deal with the emotions. I described my strategy as escaping and surviving.  I was running through a forest feeling chased by something big, fast, and scary. I did not have time to stop, think, reflect, or get emotional. I had to run as fast as I could without using any cognitive capacities other than my animal instinct to get out ASAP. I'll think later. I'll reflect later. Once I am in the clear, once I am safe and far far away from danger, then I can allow myself to stop, turn around, and attend to my feelings.  For the time being, I need to just survive. And if that means suppressing my feelings knowing it will overwhelm me and my ability to function-- then so be it.  I will numb myself out until I have the capacity to deal with my feelings.

Well, I'm out of the forest now.  I'm done with that relationship now.  I'm away from danger, from betrayal, from expectations, from disappointment, from hurt and pain inflicted by B. because I am finally away from B. I am safe now because he is far away and cannot just show up randomly. I am protected because I have blocked him online and because I ignore all calls that are "blocked".  I have no wants or desires associated with him, as such, there is no possibility for me to be disappointed or hurt by him.  He can't touch me anymore.  Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually.  I'm no longer being chased.  I'm no longer escaping or running.  I can now stop, look back, and feel.

Heading to my time capsule tomorrow

I'm going home tomorrow!  Must. take. deep breath.

I just looked up Robert's name online, and of course, there's nothing to be found.  I don't know why he's such a... secretive person in general.  What's worse is my compulsion to dig his information to know more about him.

If someone wants to run away from you, run far far from you, and to go somewhere hidden so you can never find him, then why oh why do I spend so much time and effort wondering and even searching?

"If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back, then you know."

I know. What I know is that without intending to let go, it has already flown far far away from me.  And not only that, it has purposely hidden itself from me (and from the rest of society) because it doesn't want to be discovered. It doesn't want to belong to me.  It doesn't want to come back.  And even though it hasn't been back for years, I haven't been able to accept that that's the answer.

I don't want to.  I don't want to accept that as the answer. I'm still waiting for him to come back.  When that happens, then I'll choose to know.  For now, I don't know. I'm still... waiting.

Stuck

I am struggling with journaling because I want to numb-out altogether.

I am struggling with the complex emotions that I have, and I am not very self-compassionate about my regressing so far behind that I am now obsessed with the ending of my first relationship.

Grief, I have something to say to you: I hate you.

I knew quite rationally that when grieving over one loss, it is normal to think of all of the previous losses and to have to go through them once again in some way.  What I did not expect was this intensity or anxiety.  What I did not expect was to feel again what I felt 7 years ago and to be in the same exact friggin place again.

Now that I've left my childhood home and am back in my apartment in another city/state/region of the country, I can feel safe again, and distanced from the possibilities of "running into him" or being constantly flooded by memories of him.  Now that I am away, I am able to feel PISSED.  Not necessarily at him, but at myself.

I am livid with ME.

Why am I still here 7 years later?  Why am I in the exact same position that I was in when he broke up with me years ago?  Has nothing changed?  Did I not do any of the mourning or grieving then?  Is it humanly possible to feel the same way you did 7 years ago, the same feelings, the same intensity, the overwhelming disbelief, and the same shock at how things unfolded?  How could it be that I am just as confused and stuck now as I was before?  Where has my emotional growth been all this time?  Have I just been emotionally stunted!?  What has happened or not happened so that I am the exact same person all over again?

People tell me that it's good we broke up.  A blessing in disguise.  They remind me of my growth over the years.  They tell me to think of my accomplishments since the break-up.  They highlight my life experiences over this time period and tell me that it could have never worked out.  If Robert and I were together, I could have never made it this far.  With each of these comments, I am frustrated because I disagree.  I disagree.  I disagree.

I have not changed.  Just as my feelings are the same now, I have not changed now, nor do I expect to change in the next 10, 20, 30, 50 years.  The core of who I am is the exact same, or at least, very similar. I have the same values as before, the same reflex to situations, and my feelings, obviously are still one and the same. I am perhaps less naiive now and more open-minded.  I will still love in the same way though: with fervor, with passion, with undying loyalty and commitment (see how that's bitten me in the butt numerous times but I can't stop it because I can't help but be myself?). I will still be hurt when someone breaks up with me.  I will still engage in self-blame when things happen.  I will try very hard not to, but my instincts will be the same.  My coping mechanism will change if I practice hard enough.  Still, for the most part, I think I am the same.  I don't think I will ever change that much.

As far as my growth and accomplishments go, I also think that I would have pursued the same path I'm on regardless of whether Robert and I are together.  I went to college and did long-distance, didn't I?  Yes, it's true that I contemplated transferring near him so we can be close together.  But I only contemplated it, I wasn't really going to do it, was I?  And I imagine slash hope that in my career decisions, Robert would have supported me and made me an even better person because that's what partners do for each other, no?

My other delusion thoughts are that I can be a positive influence for Robert as well.  Had he leaned on me during tough times, maybe I could have helped him.  Maybe I could have supported him, assisted him, been a partner to him in all the ways he needed, and shouldered the responsibilities for him so that he can also pursue his dreams and later be healthy and happy.

I have all these "what if's" in my head and they are entail happy endings.  "What if _____? Then Robert and I would be together."  Then I would have never had to meet/date all the assholes I've been with and I would continue to be the pure, happy, blissful, naiive-but-optimistic girl that I used to be.

Grief grief grief

My grief is out of control.

It is spilling out of me like lava erupting from a volcano, and last night, it was unstoppable.  I cried for a long time after my entry and realized that my heartache dates way back to my first relationship and continues to haunt me as I try to rectify it in subsequent relationships.

Initially, I started this blog to talk about my unhealthy relationship with B., and to offer myself and others a community to talk about unhealthy relationships and the shame, heartache, angst, and suffering that we go through in isolation. I thought that I would write primarily about B. and about the contents of that relationship.  I also expected to write about some attachment issues I have so that I can explore my role in being in such a dysfunctional relationship for so long. Reviewing previous relationships also seem like a must-do for a blog that is focused on figuring myself out in relationships.  But to date all the way back to the first one, and to realize how intense my feelings still are.... that surprised me.  My emotions yesterday caught me completely off-guard and left me feeling so vulnerable and unfamiliar with myself and where I'm at.

Today, I am feeling a little better. I suppose you have to feel better after drowning in your bed of tears for half the night.  No, not really.  I didn't cry half the night, but I did cry without really understanding why or what I wanted.  I just cried.  That is grief, I suppose.  This is me finally dealing with my first loss and all that it meant to me.

My plan today is to continue to sit with myself and let these feelings emerge.  I will try not to judge myself.  I will strive to be compassionate and welcoming to the vulnerable me that is hiding deep within.   I'm working on removing my own self-contempt and choosing instead to accept that emotional mess (bad word choice) that I am.  Instead, I am going to positively re-frame how I see myself using some of my favorite things and images.  I will see myself as a multi-layered cake (better word choice?) full of raw feelings.  Each layer is a separate emotion and the grief and heartache can be the jam that oozes out. Especially because I just watched season 2 of Just Desserts, I have some images floating in my head to convey my self-representation.  Yummy!

Links to these two pictures can be found if you google: "Devil's food cake with chocolate buttercream, salted caramel and raspberries".  Again, Yum!