He's seen all of me

I had quite a significant weekend with Jay.

On Friday, he arrived in the late afternoon to join me for a bowling event, where he met my colleagues and trainees. It's the first time my romantic life has ever intersected with work.  Afterwards, students came up to me and expressed their surprise at my personal life, because they didn't know I had a partner! Later, we went to a buffet with my friend Gina and stuffed ourselves until we could eat no more! We rounded out the night with some grocery shopping in preparation for Saturday's party, and then headed home to go to bed!  We were pooped!

On Saturday morning-- I snuck out of bed early and began making peanut butter doggy cookies for Mr. Z. Today was the big day! Mr. Z. was having his 5-year-birthday-party and I had invited 10 of my friends along with 5 of their dogs!  When Jay stumbled into the kitchen sleepily, I roped him into helping me! For the next 4 hours, we rolled out homemade dough int 120+ cookies shaped like gingerbread dolls, stars, clovers, and hearts. Afterwards, I got started on making Mr. Z.'s cake while Jay channel surfed until he found a twilight marathon. Yes, that was exactly how we spent the rest of the weekend-- we watched the twilight marathon session!

At some point, I made us leave the house in a hurry to pick up last-minute groceries before the party. I asked Jay if he wanted to join me in the shower but was rejected. Why? I don't know! It wasn't meant to be a sexual request. I just thought it'd be fun, intimate, and cozy. But he rejected me in the nicest way possible, saying it would mean we would never leave the house, which simply was untrue. I was super disappointed but tried to recover my pride and ego in the shower -- alone. Then we went shopping, buying last-minute but crucial things, like a BBQ grill (haha)! We returned home in time for Jay to piece it all together while I put the finishing touches on the cake. Then he seasoned the meat while I wrapped up goody bags for all the human and doggy guests.

As guests arrived, I got to say hi and entertain while Jay ran in and out of the house, grilling, cutting, making pico de gallo, and basically making all of the food. He was an amazing host who maintained his role behind the scenes even though he basically did it all. I mean, what's my measly hummus compared to his fajitas, hot dogs, and pico de gallo? As he worked hard, I played with babies, greeted my friends and their pets, and did whatever Jay needed when he asked for my assistance.

At one point, 2 of my girlfriends asked me how serious I considered our relationship to be. On a scale of 1-10, what would I rate our relationship?  With some probing, I concluded it was an 8.  Not a 9 because that would seem too serious for a less-than-6-month-relationship; and definitely not a 7 because we've already met each others' parents, for goodness sake! Melanie asked if I think he's THE ONE because she was able to tell in month 3 of dating, that her husband was meant to be. She just knew. "It felt different than the rest" she said. "It just fit" was how she summed it up.

I'd say all of her comments are true in my case.  Jay is special, he feels different from the rest, and we fit just right as well.  

In fact, while we were making cookies that morning, he mentioned something about Cinco de Mayo. I asked him what was happening that day, and he said that a good friend of his generally throws an awesome party each year to celebrate the holiday. Without waiting for him to ask me, I took a risk and disclosed that this day has made me nauseous for the last 4 years because that is the anniversary date of when I caught B. cheating on me.  In response, Jay goes: "Well, I guess this means I have to make this year's cinco de mayo extra special for you, right? If that's the message I'm getting, then guess what? Challenge accepted! I will make this day so awesome that you never have to feel nauseous about it again." I had to hold my breath because I was so moved by what he said. He literally took my breath away.

On Sunday, Jay and I slept almost until noon and then he cooked us brunch using the leftovers from the BBQ the night before. We finished watching the rest of the twilight marathon and laid on the couch the entire day. At some point, we talked about martial arts and I made him teach me how to throw people down! We wrestled for a good while and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. When he finally had to go, I felt this giant hole fill my heart. The void remained all night and the morning after until I finally left home to immerse myself into my work life 16 hours later.

Yes, that was the only was I was able to cope.

Is this normal? Do others have difficulty letting go of their partners when the weekend ends? As Jay was packing up last night, I told him that every time we say goodbye to each other, it feels like reality slapping me in the face because it's the end of vacation time. He agreed but said he had tons of work to do, which I completely understand. In fact, I offered to also drive down to visit him next weekend. I had a moment of panic, actually-- panic that he would say: "I'm too busy next weekend, so I won't be seeing you anymore."  Instead, he said he'll likely come for 2 days instead of 3-- and for some reason that still made me feel nervous, so I rambled on a bit about driving down to him and doing work together.

Sigh. Insecurity, I hate you, please leave me alone.

As Jay grabbed the last of his things and headed out the door, we kissed and I told him to let me know when he gets home. He promised he wouldn't forget and then got in his car and drove off. All my lightheartedness, excitement, fun-ness, and good mood also drove off with him, and I've been missing him ever since.


This weekend was pretty monumental for me. He has now seen every single aspect of me that there is to see: my friends, my work life, my style when it comes to throwing a party, my love for Mr. Z... and he's met my parents. What else is there? He's seen it all and I've got nothing left to hide. I'm officially at my most vulnerable now because he has the upper hand to decide if he wants out of this relationship.

He can now make an informed decision to leave me.

Double-dating with brothers

One of the best parts of yesterday was spending time with Jay's brother and his girlfriend, Cathy. They joined us toward the later part of the night so we had dinner together. They've been in a 3-year long-distance relationship so Cathy has had extensive history with both brothers and their parents! She talked at length about how great their parents were, and how excited she was for me to meet them this weekend. As though I wasn't already secretly excited, her enthusiasm was got me even more pumped! I couldn't be happier luckier that Cathy will be in town so that we can spend time with their parents together.

Toward the end of dinner, I excused myself to go to the restroom and Cathy asked to join me. In that short amount of time, she detailed to me, her relationship history with Jay's brother and their plans to be reunited in the next half-year. She also asked about Jay and my plans for the future, to which, I couldn't answer her question.

All I could say was that our relationship is new and I'm not sure what the future holds. Having been in my predicament in her relationship, Cathy expressed empathy and said that it was similar when she first met jay's brother. She exhibited such excitement for our relationship, exclaiming how cute we were as a couple and how evident it is that Jay and I like and enjoy being with each other.

While we were in the restroom, I also blurted out to Cathy how intimidating it is to date Jay given his previous relationship being 10 years-long! How do you follow something like that? Cathy's reaction was magnificent though. At first, she was surprised that it was such a long courtship between them. Then she added, "oh, but she was a bitch!"

As petty, un-feminist, and embarrassing as it is to admit-- I was so pleasantly surprised to hear such a negative reaction of Jay's ex Apparently, based on Cathy's report, Jay's ex-girlfriend was quite vulgar and would curse in front of their parents! Of course, I can't confirm if that's actually true. However, it is quite appalling to imagine such a level of disrespect. Additionally, it's nice to have something to be able to differentiate myself from her; knowing I could never do or say anything like that.  

But then again, I also wondered if anyone would ever describe me that way: vulgar.  I want to say no, but my humor can be pretty crude and my jokes can be perverted. Is that the same as vulgar? I hope not! I'd really like to be different from his last girlfriend.

Cathy was very expressive about wanting to spend more time together to talk about the brothers. Her openness, friendliness, and enthusiasm was contagious and fun. She already feels like a little sister and at the end of the night, my friends remarked she could be my potential and future sister-in-law. They were joking when they said this of course-- but my heart skipped a beat and I wondered about the possibilities...  I do love double dates and group outings; and yesterday was the best of everything and more.

The upcoming weekend is quickly approaching and I am so excited to spend time with what could potentially be my future family. (Is that so exaggerated and dramatic?) I am pretty embarrassed and excited at the same time.

Being taken care of

I celebrated an entire day of festivities with my friends and Jay yesterday.  I've never partied with a boyfriend before. In fact, it's amazing not to date an alcoholic (ahem, B.). There was no need to worry about anyone engaging in self-destructive or other-destructive behaviors. In fact, I was able to let-down my guard to have a good time. I even let myself get a little tipsy and allowed him to take care of me!

Jay took care of me in so many ways that I felt warm and fuzzy:

1. He let me wear his raincoat all day even though he must have been cold in his measly little windbreaker in almost-freezing temperature.
2. He zipped me in-and-out of his raincoat whenever the temperature changed.
3. We shared drinks and he held hold our beverage the whole time because my hands were cold and he was wearing gloves.
4. He let me run around, jump up & down-- all the while watching from behind and being a secure base for me to return toward.
5. He also got some great throws from the celebration and gave me all his goodies!
6. Towards the end of the night, when we progressively drank more, he held onto me to make sure I wouldn't fall.
7. He drove in from one hour away to party with us; and then drove home almost 18 hours later by his lonesome.
8. He paid for dinner, as he always does.

It was so hard to say goodbye to Jay at the end of the night-- especially knowing he would be driving alone for the next hour while I had my group of friends for company. When we drove to drop him off at his car, I leaned over, kissed him, and told him those 3 little words again. He responded with "I love you too" before planting a kiss on my lips and then thanking my pals for the drop-off. When he climbed out of the car, I figured he'd give one final wave to me before walking off.  Instead, he leaned in for a goodbye kiss, after which he returned to say: "just one more kiss" before his lips claimed mine again. My heart fluttered and melted at the same time, and I metaphorically felt like putty in his hands.

As we headed back home, I fell asleep throughout the 1.5 hour drive back, feeling enveloped in love, affection, and being taken care of. I was so content, warm, and fuzzy, and I thought to myself, "I have the best boyfriend in the entire world." I can't believe I'll be meeting his parents this upcoming weekend and I'm so excited to see where he came from and the people who made him so special!

If love is like a drug...

If love is like a drug, then spending the weekend with Jay is like getting my fix.  Once I get my dose, then it's no more anxiety, no more insecurity, no more fear.  Once I'm with him, my heart is at peace. My body is relaxed. I even find myself sleeping better, which is strange because I have never slept well with anybody in the past.

This past weekend with Jay re-charged me so that I feel only contentment and stability.

Friday night, I arrived late and we got to spend some time hugging and kissing before we ran some errands for Saturday's party. I was exhausted and it was so great to go to bed together.

Early Saturday morning, we woke up so he could make his infamous pico de gallo while I showered and got dressed for the party. We spent the next 12 hours partying with his friends: drinking, eating, laughing, dancing... I basically met all of his friends and he later told me they all liked me! One of the other girls also told me in-secret that Jay must really like me. At the beginning when we first started dating, he would reveal nothing to them, other than "her name is Sher." They doubted my existence until I met them at another event a few months ago, and had thought "wow, she's pretty too!"  (NOTE: This is the best compliment I've ever gotten-- ever!). Jay's friend added that he talks about me all the time these days and is never in town because he is driving to see me. She asked if I would occasionally drive to them so we can hang out, and she joked that Jay should share my contact information so they can contact me to do fun things together. Granted, she was in a drunken haze while she was speaking, but it was still so flattering and so exciting that she kept saying how cool I am, and how much she wants Jay to bring me around more.

While we were celebrating on Saturday, I learned a lot about Jay. He fell from a porch in the middle of the celebration and rolled onto the grass before jumping back on his feet and climbing back onto the porch pole. It was such a slow-motion fall, and his return was so fast that people didn't have time to react (Jay often gets hurt so he's mastered the art of falling, and even during his fall, I felt only helplessness and also a bit of awe). It was the first time I've seen Jay so proud. I've always thought he was less focused on ego, but his fall showed me exactly where his sense of self-concept is. When people rushed over to see how he was doing, he held his hand up as to say, "back off NOW" and very quickly returned to his original position back onto the porch. While subtle, it was his pride saying, pay no attention here!-- and he was loud and clear. His silence was intimidating and my maternal instincts had to jump back so that all I said was: "are you OK?" and then backing off completely. I later told Jay about my perception of him, to which he repeated: "yup, that's why I think you totally get me."

After an entire day of festivities, Jay and I also ended up making love-- and I say that phrase specifically because I actually said the 3 little words in the middle of that activity.  I'm quite embarrassed by it because I've always thought that saying such intimate words during the act was somewhat lame.  But I did it, and it came out impulsively, assertively, and without apology. In the middle of our lovemaking, I had grabbed his face and said, "honey, I love you" without worrying about his reaction; and just as quickly as those words came out, he replied, "I love you too."  It was lovemaking, and it was just me and him in the world. Afterwards, we slept for about 11 hours because we were so exhausted!

On Sunday, we spent the day lounging at home, eating omelets he made, watching tv shows we liked, and then having dinner with his brother and brother's girlfriend. I left later at night and continued to feel secure, probably because I know when I'll see him next and because he has invited me to meet his parents! The plan for this upcoming week is this:

• Tomorrow, I'm seeing Jay because the celebrations reign on and we are meeting mid-way so that he can celebrate with me and my friends this time around. 
• I'm also driving down this weekend to see Jay because his mom and dad are coming and he would like me to meet them!

I'm exhausted, excited, and relieved all at the same time. I'm so tired that I slept 9.5 hours after driving home last night; and even then, I still feel utterly drained. The sheer exhaustion must be due to the accumulation of last week's anxiety and the week before. 

Oh, mother-child relationships

As I laid in bed this morning listening to the tree branches tapping wildly in my bedroom window because of the freak-crazy winds we are getting, I thought about Robert.  I recently heard this quote from a therapist about relationships, and have been thinking about it ever since: "The relationships we have with our mothers influences all of our subsequent relationships."

I suppose I knew this theory/perspective. But I hadn't applied to to Robert until this morning, when I suddenly remembered a conversation I had with his friend over Christmas break.  She had said that Robert complains quite a bit about living at home and taking care of his mom.  His friend had thought he was taking no responsibility for doing nothing with his life and using his mom as an excuse. Why is he pinning his frustrations on her when he can easily move out and and pursue life at full-force without attributing all this responsibility on her?

Now, I don't know if Robert has told his friends that his mom had been diagnosed with cancer.  He is so secretive that I wouldn't be surprised if he's hidden all of that. But I'd guess that if they knew about the cancer, they'd have some sympathy.  Judging from his friend's annoyance toward him, however, I'd say... they probably don't know.

Nevertheless, I started to think about Robert's relationship with me and whether he felt that same burden and annoyance when it comes to his relationship with his mom.  Was our relationship such a drag for him too? Did he feel like he had to do a lot of care-taking with me?

I love Robert for so many reasons, one of them being his love for his mom.  Leaving me to take care of his mom is actually the best excuse one could ever have, if someone were to dump me for another woman. But for him to gripe about the care-taking makes me wonder who he is, and what I know about him, if anything at all. Who is Robert, anyways? Why does he do what he does? How did/does he see me? And is his perception indicative of reality?

The greatest mystery of my life, sadly, is our break-up.  On my deathbed one day, I will wonder with defeat, "why? what happened?" in the same way I wonder about it today. I've considered Robert's reasons to be the reality, so if Robert says, "because you suck", then that would be the truth.  But what if Robert simply has his own issues and simply hates being responsible and committed to another person, entirely? Then am I to blame for our break-up? Do I still hold myself accountable, as though I could have changed our break-up?

My mind's a-reeling.

He exists!

On my way to Penny's baby shower party (that I was co-hosting), I got a call from my high school friend, Jenny.  At first, I contemplated not picking up, since I was in the car about to get to my location.  But curiosity got the best of me, because rarely does she call me at daytime (she's such a party animal she's usually awake only when it's nighttime!).

Turns out, I was right.  Jenny had news for me.

She starts with, "guess who I just saw?"  And I start racking my brain for all the possibilities.  I mean, high school was what, 2,000 people? I'm sure I can narrow it down somehow.  And between us and our ex-boyfriends, I know exactly who would freak us both out to warrant a call like that!

Well, it was news related to Robert, my first love, and it was the kind of phone call I've been waiting for, for oh, the past 7 years of my life.  It's actually been surprising for me that it's taken THIS long for me to hear news from him.  It's taken THIS long to accidentally get info from him, when my hometown is all of THIS big (not very big if you get my drift).

The news is really not that big.  Jenny was having a garage sale, and Robert's friend comes by to buy some things.  Jenny plays dumb and asks about high school friendships and people they know in common.  She learns that Robert is now working as an electrical engineer way out near the airport and that he commutes about an hour each day for his job. She mentions my name and Robert's friend looks at her cluelessly and says he has no idea who I am. She repeats my name again, and still, there is no sign of recall.  Jenny quickly drops the topic so she can gather more information about Robert, but that was really about it.  He still lives at home with his mom.  His mom is doing fine, healthwise (yes she asked). Annnd that was it. The end.

Throughout our phone conversation, my heart was pounding like you could not believe. Finally.  Finally! After all these years, I am hearing first-hand from my dear friend, some news about Robert that I know is credible.  It's one thing to hear things from Robert's friends when I go home during vacations.  Those girls are his friends. I wouldn't be surprised if they lied and lied to my face.  But to hear it from Jenny? That is a completely different story.  Jenny, I trust. Jenny is my friend through and through.  Jenny has seen me at my worst post-break-up.  And Jenny knows.  I mean, Jenny knows how devastated I have been, and how heartbroken I continue to feel about him, even today.

So... hearing the news from Jenny, albeit small news, is... earth-shattering for me.

When Robert and I were in high school, his passion had always been for graphic design.  He dreamed of working for Pixar and he was so creative, so talented, and just so... artistic.  He saw things I didn't see. He admired things I couldn't begin to appreciate. He was an artist, that was that! And that was probably one of the reasons my dad didn't feel so fond of him.

In college, Robert worked full-time at a real state company and went to school part-time to get his degree in something practical: business. He didn't love it, but he did it for a functional purpose, and it seemed like a good combination with his future degree in art.  In our heads, we envisioned he would someday pursue graphic design. It was simply a matter of timing.

But then we broke up and I didn't know what happened for 4 years after that.  When I contacted him 4 years later to ask about us and to get closure, he updated me on his life to say that he was pursuing a degree in engineering.  He was really embarrassed when he said it, mostly because he was getting his degree from an online school.  He was also doing it not because he felt passionate, and not even because he had any interest in engineering. Instead, he chose the field because it was the best way to make money fast.  Apparently, around the time that we broke up, his mom had been diagnosed with cancer and being a single parent, and him being an only child, he needed to contribute to the medical expenses fast.

I don't know happened after that, although I do wonder (all the time) whether he still dabbles in graphic design.  I also didn't know when he would graduate, and what kind of engineering he would pursue.  The idea of Robert being an engineer just didn't fit.  It still doesn't fit, but I actually have so much more respect for him that he's doing it, and that he did it.

So, as I hear from Jenny that he is currently an employed, salaried engineer, I have so many mixed emotions.

I feel happy for him because he did it.  I am so proud of him that he's accomplished his goal and that he's making money for his mom.  I also feel heartbroken for him and wonder how much he's had to let-go of his dreams.  I wonder if he's happy, if he feels a sense of purpose and meaning in his work.  And I wonder if things are finally more stable now, than when he had to climb and uphill battle pursuing his studies.  Being employed and having a stable job should be relaxing now, right?

And now, here it comes: my expectations.  If Robert is so stable now, and if his mom is doing OK, and if he's attained his goal, then what is he doing/thinking/wanting in his love life?  Is he... dating someone? Is he... in love?  Does he... regret our break-up? Does he still... love me?  And if so, why hasn't he come back to even ask about me?

I recounted Jenny's news to my mom and got a harsh but necessary dose of reality.  My mom said to me, Wow! If Robert's friend doesn't even know your name in the slightest, then it's obvious he doesn't mention you, ever.

Ding ding ding!  100 points for Robert, 0 for me.  Again.

I hadn't even thought about it.  Whereas in my entire circle of friends, practically everyone of them will know Robert's name, and know of his significance in my life, it's clear that I account for exactly nothing in his life.  Even his friend, who I've double-dated with when Robert and I were in high school, couldn't remember me.  Meaning that Robert probably couldn't be bothered to even recollect who I am, either.

At the end of my conversation with mom, she asked me not to let this news have a ripple-effect on my mood.  I shrugged her off and said "no way, this is closure, mom!" But I have been wrong. I have spent the past few days thinking about Robert and feeling very very emotional.  I just looked through all of my posts that are tagged with "first love" and cried and cried.

It is so incredibly painful knowing that you are so small in someone else's world, but they were/are everything in yours.

Deja Vu

The day after my confrontation with B., I went to school nervously, but was glad not to see him anywhere.

The day following that, I hoped he already left town so I could be at peace again.  How wrong I was.

Because of the anxiety/drain that I felt from his mere presence, I was taking naps all week.  I was trying to avoid reality and to do so by diving into unconsciousness.  When I woke up that afternoon, I got a voicemail from Connie saying she had seen B. and that she had something to show me. In a very short amount of time, I quickly went from groggy to anxiety and fear.  Is he still here? Why is he still here? What is he doing in town now? Hasn't it been 2 days later? Shouldn't he be gone already?

It turns out, Connie had a video to show me.  A video from when she caught B. walking hand-in-hand with a girl just outside our office building that afternoon!  She sent it to me and told me how surprised she was when she walked out the front door and saw him heading down the street (towards her) in broad daylight holding hands with someone else.  Connie had been so surprised she froze and then decided to video record him and this other woman on her phone!  She could not believe the coincidence and she wanted to make sure I know that I had NOTHING to feel guilty for from our last confrontation.  As she talked, she laughed, describing to me the scenario of her video recording him, and him being caught by her and shooting her glaring looks. She's certain that he recognized her.  She quickly sent the video and told me to call her after I watch it.

As I jumped into the car getting ready to buy last-minute groceries, I stopped at a red light and opened-up that video. 

There it was: in broad daylight, B. walking hand-in-hand with a red-headed girl. He's wearing the exact same clothes he had on when I saw him in our last two encounters. He is walking in the same nonchalant way he always walks. And when he sees the video/phone towards him, he glares at the camera person before turning his face down toward the ground.

As I'm watching the beginning of the video, I'm laughing out loud, imagining Connie pulling out her phone in the middle of the day, in the middle of the road, blatantly recording someone walking down the street.  I feel relieved that this video is about another girl rather than of him waiting for me at my office door. I feel liberated that he has moved on and I hope that it means I will finally be left alone by him. I feel such a large burden removed from my shoulder.  I feel like I can breathe again and also not feel guilty for our last conversation. But just as quickly as I laughed and am starting to feel good, I find myself suddenly starting to sob.  No tears come out, but I am heaving heavily and my breath is caught in my throat. My chest hurts, my nose is feeling that soreness before I start to cry, and my eyes are feeling watery and near-explosive. I don't understand what's happening to my body nor do I understand how I am emotionally responding.  Why did I laugh earlier? Why am I about to cry? Why does my heart hurt as though it is breaking again? Why am I so confused, and why don't I understand what is happening within me in this very moment?

I call Connie back and she is feeling celebratory about "catching him" and being able to show me the video. She's so glad to document the scum that he is.  She is shell-shocked about this coincidence and cannot believe he had the audacity to parade a girl around, just 2 days after writing me a note saying he is not dating.  She is certain he is a pathological liar.  And she is completely positive about him being very very mentally sick. She is happy for me and is so happy to share this with me. This should be wonderful evidence for me to feel better. Now I don't have to feel bad about our last conversation.  And now, I should be even more convinced that leaving him was the best thing I did. I agree with her--rationally.  Emotionally, however, I want to join her enthusiasm but I can't. I can't catch up to that enthusiasm and I need time to understand how I'm feeling first. I tell her I'll call her back and then I start driving.  And shopping. I wander the aisles in the grocery store and grab what I need. When I realize it's 9pm and I'm incredibly hungry, I stop by at a very new and already-famous burger joint.  It's already closing-time so I am the last customer waiting in line.  I order a burger and sit alone trying to eat console my body. Even after eating the entire thing, I'm still not ready to go home, so I go to another grocery store.  I head to a 24-hour grocery store this time and wander down every single aisle.  I call Penny. I call my mom. I tell them about the video and then I begin to openly cry.

In my car is where I cry.  But also in the store.  I tell them how mixed I feel and how confused I am. Although I am relieved on the one hand, I feel so betrayed on the other. I am experiencing deja vu, and it's like a sick sick game being replayed over for me.  2 years ago, I had gotten a similar message right after I caught him cheating with someone else.  It had been a Wednesday when I first caught him cheating.  And it was on that Friday that we went to couples counseling.  On Saturday afternoon, he called to say he was going to walk to the coffee shop for some coffee, and a few hours later, Penny called and apologetically gave me the devastating news.  Penny said sorry a few times and then said that she was at the park with her family.  She said she thought she saw me and B. together and had run up to say hi to us.  Before reaching "us", she realized that it was B. with another girl.  She saw him hold hands with this girl and before he looked up to see her.  When B. saw Penny, he quickly shoved that girl away, but she ran back to him to hold his hands. In the same way that B. had looked downward at the groun,d he did the same when walking past Penny. He avoided eye contact altogether and walked away as briskly as possible. I remember that when Penny told me this over the phone, her voice began to crack and she began to cry. She told me not to forgive him, not to listen to his sorry excuses, and not to let him into my life again.  This infidelity was not the same as Wednesday's discovery.  This girl he's cheating with was not the same girl I caught just 2 days ago.  This was someone completely different and it was within a span of 2 days that he was doing it. We had just gone to couples counseling the day before, and already, I was being lied to, again.  Once, twice, three times, who knows how many more lies there are?!

So.... that is my deja vu when I see this video.  Penny hadn't taken a video last time, but her words were just as good as my eyes. Within seconds of her call, B. had called and I had ignored about 10 of his calls before I finally picked up. He apologized first and then lied some more. He insisted that the girl was a friend and that Penny saw wrong. He concocted story after story after story. I won't delve into the details of that story in this post. That is a long long story for a different day. For now, it just triggered everything, in the same way an avalanche crashes and drowns you.

This video triggered me and continues to trigger my memories and my emotions.  What the hell, man. I thought I was broken before and that I was starting to heal now.  I thought I had hit rock bottom and that I was trying to climb back up.  I thought I was making good progress and starting to forget about this person and the pain he inflicted on me.  HECK, I thought this person would no longer be in my life and much more, I thought he could no longer ever ever hurt me. 

Boy, I was so wrong.  Boy was I ever so wrong... in every one of these questions, I was dead wrong.

So, this is how I love.

Mr. Z's birthday is coming up!
I knew this was the case, but I didn't know the exact date until I looked at his adoption papers this week.
March 16, 2009-- my little boy is going to turn 3!

I can't begin to tell you the excitement that I had this week. I went into full-on party-planning mode and looked up birthday cakes and dog cake recipes for him. I felt an out-of-control excitement about making his FIRST birthday with me very special and very meaningful.  For him and for me! With a history of abuse and such serious separation anxiety, I want to celebrate Mr. Z. and let him know he is SO loved and adored.

In the midst of scouring the internet, I had an out-of-body experience watching myself get so excited.  I wondered, "who am I?"  "Who is this woman who is so excited celebrating a dog's birthday, and even planning to have a party and party invitations to friends with and without dogs?"  "Who is she and what did she do to the person that was there before?"

The me before = dog-hater.  Yes, I hated dogs starting at the age of 8 when my brother (age 6 at the time) was attacked by an Akita and almost had his entire right ear bitten off. I was next to my brother when it happened and we were at my dad's friend's house having a BBQ celebration on a warm summer day.  It should have been a perfect night, and I remember even thinking that when it happened.  One minute, I was feeling present and grateful for such an amazing summer night.  The next minute, I heard a sound and turned to see the gigantic Akita on top of my brother.  The night quickly turned from heaven to hell.  Absolute hell. We rushed to the ER, the doctor was an asshole who took his time coming (he had the audacity to ask if we would pay cash because then he'd come faster), and then afterwards, I had to go home with only my dad and worry about my brother.  I thought about giving up my ear for my brother. And it really was such a painful and terrifying process for him. After that incident, my entire family hated and feared dogs. Even teenie tiny ones like Yorkies and Chihuahas.  In college, when walking from one place to another, I would change paths if I saw someone heading toward me walking a dog.

Yup. That's the backstory. That's why I'm sometimes still surprised that I a) adopted a dog this year, and b) love my dog as much as I do.  It's even more of a surprise that I'm soooooooooooo into celebrating him and being the animal lover that I never thought I could be (and would actually roll my eyes at)!

So, now you can see why I'm in disbelief about my own behavior.  I realized I needed a reality check and quickly messaged one of my oldest childhood friends to ask her what was happening to me.  I asked her the same questions I asked myself!  "Who am I?" Am I acting out-of-character?" "Why am I acting so out-of-character?" "What is happening to me?"

When she responded, her answer was better than anything I could have ever come up with.  Yay! Thank goodness for friends who really really know me-- even better than myself sometimes!  She said to me that she did NOT think I was acting out-of-character and that I'm quite consistent with myself.  She remarked that THIS IS HOW I LOVE and THIS IS HOW I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED-- whether it is for a family member, for a partner, etc. etc.  She said that for me, it's clear that I love Mr. Z. and want to make him happy.  So, taking all this into consideration, she did NOT think I was behaving strangely, and in fact, she thought I was being VERY VERY ME.

Her response set be back.

Wow.

That was such an eye-opening response and a very compassionate way to see myself.  Since getting her perspective , I've begun to reflect on why I'm so judgmental towards myself, and why I'm not able to be more strength-oriented when it comes to viewing myself.  I also learned through my friend's modeling of how to treat myself. Rather than frame my excitement into something negative, my friend reminded me to see myself in a positive light, in a realistic but encouraging light, and to offer myself more kindness, non-judgmentalness, and of course, compassion to myself.

Paleo update

I am proud to share my Paleo update so far!

On the night of Match Day (Fri 2/24/12—forever imprinted into my memory), I knew I had to be careful with staying Paleo! That night, I had a dinner party with friends and colleagues at an American restaurant. I ordered as simply as possible: Cheeseburger! But I had them remove the buns and replace them with additional veggies like bell peppers. I also asked to have no cheese whatsoever, and I substituted sweet potato fries for regular potato shoestring fries.  I had to do lots of explaining to those sitting next to me, but for the most part, it was quite successful and less awkward than I expected!  

After dinner, however, when we changed locations to this club/bar that our friend owns, the peer pressure came one at full-force.  There were waaay too many opportunities to drink, and SOSOSO many uncomfortable moments when I declined.  I haven’t experienced peer pressure like this ever!

Friends would come up to me and shake their heads because I had no cup in hand.  Because it was my celebratory night, everyone expected me to drink until I passed out.  Every friend wanted to buy me a drink—and even my students— those I’m currently teaching, purchased shots to peer-pressure me into drinking!

Haha! I got this image from a site called: "Top ten 21st Birthday Survival Tips"

(Although I am far from being 21 by now...)

One particularly difficult conversation was with two dear Latino friends who would not take no for an answer.  They refused to get water for me, and they said it would ruin their reputation to order something other than hard alcohol.  They reasoned that if I wanted a clear drink, I could have vodka or whiskey, but absolutely no water.  Later, they invented other excuses, like the bartender refused to serve water, and would only serve alcohol.  You would not believe the lies they came up with trying to get me to drink.  But I persisted.  I really did, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do!  My one moment of pride was when another student asked to buy me a drink. I told him about my Paleo attempt and he understood. He is an athlete himself so instead of pushing me on the subject, he backed up, said that he really respected what I was doing, and then offered to get me whatever I wanted – even if I just wanted water.  That was cool.

Did you know that alcohol gets in the way of nourishing, deep sleep?  While alcohol can make you sleepy, it stops you at the shallow level of sleep that can be easily interrupted and definitely less restful.  

As you can guess, then, after we partied and partied and partied, I was happy to get home, change into PJs and fall into super deep and restful sleep.  It was exactly what I needed and had been craving all week.

In the morning, I woke up and treated myself to making Paleo pancakes.  I mixed together an egg, almond flour, a sprinkle of cinnamon and nutmeg, mashed up an entire banana to the mix, and threw in some chopped-up frozen peaches and strawberries.  The result?  A sweet sweet pancake!


It was sooo nice to be sober, non-hung-over, and to be eating healthy the day-after-a-celebration!

Almond flour Paleo pancakes with bananas, peaches, and strawberries

At night, I drove an hour to meet friends to celebrate and to have Spanish tapas!  We all ordered our own dishes and I tried to eat paleo by having ceviche and a lamb dish.  The ceviche was salty, sour, and perfectly mixed with lamb, shrimp and some fish. The lamb was moist and tender and absolutely delectable! It was seated on a bed of skillet potatoes, so I did cheat a little.  I also had a few bites of paella-- but come on, that has to be understandable.  It's paella!

Counting down

In less than 24 hours, I will know where my future holds!
Strangely enough, I am not anxious or nervous or freaked out... anymore. Yesterday, however, was a different story.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a nightmare about finding out my placement.  I dreamt that I got my first pick, but that I found out in a crowded university classroom (some sort of 101 class) with tons of students surrounding me, including my intern applicant cohort.  We filed into a classroom large enough to seat 300 and projected onto the wall, were the results of our placement.

In my dream, I was in immediate shock.  I read my name listed next to the #1 position and I was not sure if it was actually my name. As I walked to my seat in the crowded classroom, in a single file line, I found myself finally stopping, looking up, and being surrounded by people's voices, opinions, and emotions.  I didn't have time yet to figure out how I was feeling, but already, my cohort was asking me how I felt. On one side, they asked why I didn't look ecstatic.  On the other side, they asked if I was sad not to be placed in other sites.  My head swiveled back and forth to whoever was talking to me, all the while, I was frantic inside, not knowing how to present myself.

Should I look happy? Do I have a right to be sad? Especially because one of my good friends and cohort member also ranked the same place as #1, would it be completely disrespectful if I was anything less than over-the-moon?

I remember fighting back feelings of happiness and tears of joy at the same time.  I didn't know how to feel, but I felt pressured to fake some sort of overt expression to please the people around me.  It was a terrible feeling, a feeling of being stuck and incongruent, and I didn't know what to do. Then I woke up.

If I were to analyze my dream, it seems crystal clear to me, that my anxieties and fears are completely played out in this short scenario/dream/nightmare. I am so anxious of where I will be placed.  I do not know if I necessarily want to be at my #1 ranked place.  I still go back-and-forth wondering about my #2 site and questioning whether I should have ranked that as #1.  I feel uncomfortable knowing that when our results come out, my friend and I may face the uncomfortable reality of one of us being there, while the other is not.  What's the socially appropriate thing to do then?  The other major anxiety-factor is the night of festivities happening tomorrow night.  As it is, we have planned a dinner party with a bunch of people to celebrate "Match Day".  We are planning to eat at a very nice restaurant downtown, and then to head over to a bar/club that our friend/colleague owns, and to party it up for the remainder of the night.  Because the invitation is quite open, we are anticipating some 30+ People to come for the drinking and celebration after dinner. Some are friends, some are colleagues, some are friends and colleagues, and some are acquaintances from other interns who are applying.  Regardless of who is coming, the point is that so many people are coming and there is such a large audience to answer to.  What happens if I don't match, altogether?  I will have to explain that to some 30+ people.  And even if I match somewhere, how do I respond in-the-moment to some 30+ when I actually need time to process it myself first?  And because it's such a huge crowd, I'll have to repeat things over and over and over-- especially the bad news, should there be bad news.  For example, I may have to say 30 times that I didn't match, and then comfort them about the situation because it will surely be awkward and uncomfortable for them to hear as well.  Thinking about the possibility of this scenario exhausts me, and intensifies my anxiety ten-fold!

As I am writing, I also realize how much I worry about taking care of others!  I'm worried about maybe matching to my #1 site while my friend/colleague doesn't.  How will he feel then? What should I do then? How might I offer words of comfor then?

I am worried about not matching and having to explain to others and helping them understand the reality (as opposed to wondering how I will feel instead)!

I am concerned about how others will feel about internship and how others will judge me pending my match outcome. What will they think?

So, that's the analysis of my dream, and the open disclosure about all my anxieties, insecurities, fears, and burdens.

Hmm. I had been feeling perfectly optimistic at the beginning of this entry-- before I decided to talk about my dream!  Time to stop analyzing my dream!

Taking care of others too much

A few days ago, I re-experienced feelings I had when I was with B. -- feelings of resentment, anger, feeling stuck, helpless, and also frustration towards him and myself.

It happened when a friend invited himself to cook at my place.  This friend, who I will call Will, messaged me out of the blue to say he wants to cook and is dying to learn some of my dishes. We had met 5 years ago at an event that I hosted, and we had struck up great conversation and had lots of laughs.  In truth, I don't know much about him or vice versa, but since he was so insistent on cooking together, I eventually said OK and then went shopping for all the groceries we would need for our weekend cook-fest.

Despite feeling stressed about all my schoolwork, I figured we'd spend about 3-4 hours cooking and eating together.  In the end, Will came and we cooked and we had a great time for about.. 5 hours. But then he stayed even after the dishes were cleared, after the dishes were washed, and after I packed him food to take home!  He invited himself to do his homework here.  And the whole time he talked on and on and on and on about his relationship woes and about what he wants with his life.

Don't me wrong, I love to hear what's happening with friends and to catch up. I love cooking too, and the combination of friends + food is usually heavenly for me!  But Will drained me.  Will's entire visit drained me. He didn't help much in the kitchen because he refused to touch raw meat. He didn't offer to help me with dishes (at least fake offer), and he invited himself to stay and ended up being in my place for 9 hours! I had to feed him dinner too, and when he left and took some food home, he didn't even say thanks.  That was the worst part.  He didn't even say thank you.

After Will left, I was infuriated with myself. I was so resentful and angry and frustrated-- all at myself.  Why was I such a good hostess even when I wanted him out of the house so that I could recharge by myself and do my work? Why did I continuously offer him more drinks and ask about his comfort when he was already overstaying his visit?  Why did I focus so much on his comfort rather than my own-- because I was damn well uncomfortable with him being here for SOOOOO long!

Those feelings are what I had with B., toward the end, the middle, and maybe even the beginning of the relationship.

I was NEVER fully comfortable with B.  He was always so picky, so nit-picky, so judgmental, so critical, so condescending, so insulting, so negative... I could never fully be comfortable because I was always wanting him to feel more content/comfortable/happy.  I always catered to his needs while feeling like I was walking on pins and needles myself.  Being with him was like holding my breath and continuously reminding myself: "Just do a good job, cater to his needs, and then when he leaves, then he'll be gone so you can focus on you!"  I always wanted a good ending; a good parting.  I wanted him to have an awesome experience so that when it's over, he will have positive memories.  I never considered myself in the equation-- my needs were on the back-burner... waiting until his needs are met and when he leaves-- that I can finally attend to myself.

The worst part of it all is the inconsistent and conflicting feelings I had inside and on the outside.  The more I resented him, the more I wanted out of the relationship, the more I realized how terrible he was as a human being... the more I catered to his needs.  As if I hadn't bent-over-backwards enough to begin with, I did it 10 times more once I realized how much I despised him in my heart.
The worse I felt on the inside, the more attentive I became to his needs.  Why? I don't know.  I have racked my head again and again and again, and I simply don't know.  All I can hypothesize is that I knew it would be over and I wanted a good ending.  I wanted some sort of harmony and positive memory before the chapter would end.

Also, I think I wanted to have no regrets.  I didn't want to walk away and wonder later if I could have tried harder.  I didn't want to regret not giving 100000% of myself at the end and wondering if it would have made a difference.

In this way, I suppose it makes sense that I ignore my needs and take care of others first. It's something I really want to work on and to eventually stop doing.  It's something I want to change because it's entirely unhealthy. I am split apart into 2 halves: both on extreme ends of the spectrum and both equally intense.  That inconsistency is not healthy and I want to have congruency.  I want my inside (feelings) to match my outside (expression/behavior). That's healthy.  That's wholesome.

Unexpected encounter/confrontation

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with friends-- some new and some old.  It was a small and intimidate dinner party and as we cleared the dishes, the boys headed straight to the TV while the girls hung around in the dining room talking and catching up.  As we talked, the topic of B. emerged.  Now, I have not been avoiding this topic recently. However, I have been avoiding one person in particular.

My friend/acquaintance Nicki is someone who actually warned me about B. when he and I first started dating.  About 6 months into the relationship, I had hosted a huge event and had introduced them to one another.  Afterwards, Nicki had come up to me to ask about the status of our relationship and to tell me that she knew him and his relationship with his ex-girlfriend.  She told me a lot of things that, at the time, seemed preposterous.  She talked about how much of a cheater he was.  She talked about seeing him flirt with other girls while he was with his ex-girlfriend.  She told me that he actually flirted with his ex-girlfriend's sister!  She told me a lot actually, and she was apologetic but very honest about it.  Nevertheless, as much as she said, I just couldn't wrap my head around it all. She said things that seemed impossible in real life (a soap opera maybe). Things that would make my stomach sick if it were to really happen to me. Things I couldn't imagine happening to anyone, much less myself.

Well, that feeling of being sick-to-my-stomach is now something I am experienced with.  I should have listened to her warnings.  Well, I did listen, but I decided to give B. the benefit of the doubt.  At the time, I persistently told Nicki that it couldn't be who B. is now. Maybe that was him before and maybe that was his dynamic with his ex-girlfriend (a girl who Nicki also said was a serial cheater!).  I told her that with B., I felt so loved and adored and wanted.  When we were together, he made me feel like no one else in the world existed.  I said that his passion for me was so clear, so salient, I couldn't possibly imagine him having any additional energy or time with anyone else other than me.  I couldn't even envision him giving anyone else that kind of intensity that he gave me.

About a year ago, probably around this time-- after I had found out the B. cheated on me and then forgiven him, I ran into Nicki again.  I'd been avoiding her, actually, and when she saw me, her first question was whether we were together. I felt so ashamed in so many ways.  I felt ashamed because:
1) I should have listened to her because everything she said came true.
2) I should have broken-up with him knowing now that he was a cheater
3) I should definitely be broken-up with him because he has now cheated on me.
4) I am still with him and I can't explain it to anyone else.  I don't even understand it myself.

So I dodged her questions and tried to avoid her altogether after that.  I didn't reach out to socialize.  I declined invitations. I was a no-show to general public outings that might have included her.  Simply put, I disappeared in all of my social circles during the last year of my relationship with B.

Around the time that B. and I broke up over the summer, I attended his graduation and I saw Nicki again.  It was both awkward and embarassing for me.  The look on her face made me feel so ashamed and so cheap.  I was there attending B.'s graduation ceremony too, and she could not believe we were together.  By then I was already so miserable.  It was during the month of May and I was already mentally checked-out, exhausted, and waiting for the final straw to break me.  I wanted to disappear into a hole because of how uncomfortable I felt.  Because it was during graduation, people surrounded us and herded us to take pictures.  Nicki-- and God bless her for her honesty-- flat out said to me (in a different language), "No. I do not want to take a picture with him.  I refuse and I won't do it. I want a picture with you, but not him. I will not take any photos with him in it." So of course, we quickly posed to get our shots, I expressed my congratulations to her and gave an excuse to skip the after-party... and then I fled the scene.

So now, here we are at this intimate dinner gathering and of course, the topic of dating comes up.  I'm telling some new girls that I'm recently single, and I'm trying to casually explain that we broke up because of cheating.  Nicki, of course, interrupts me to clarify if it's B. I'm talking about, and then to express her relief that we are finally over. She wants to know if it was because of cheating. She wants to know if her perceptions of him are as true as they were before.

It felt brutal, that conversation with Nicki.  I did not want to have that conversation there.  I did not want to share the details of my breakup there. And I did not want to confirm that everything she said was true. It's been hard enough to acknowledge that to myself.  It's even harder to do that with the person who actually warned you! The worst part was that I didn't want to do it there. Please, not there.  Not in front of new people, not in such a public setting, and not when I feel so vulnerable and raw and with no place to hide. This was not the kind of "let's get to know you" kind of conversation to have with acquaintances nearby too.  But there it was, out in the open.  And there I was, exposed.

Safe to say, it was very humiliating for me to talk about it, and even more humiliating when Nicki told all the girls what she knew about him from his previous relationship.  She added more details this time  which made it even more difficult to sit with.  She actually added a lot of information that I hadn't known before.  Details that were probably too graphic for me to hear, and that made me want to wretch. On the plus side, I'm glad she skipped the details when she told me the first time around-- I'm sure it was because she didn't want to freak me out.  On the negative side, however, I felt even dirtier and more ashamed than ever before. I wish she hadn't done it in that setting.  And part of me wishes she wouldn't give me the gory details.

But then she gave me another piece of information that I did not know before. Nicki told me that when we had that conversation years ago, when B. and I had just started dating and were in our honeymoon period, she had already seen him flirting with other girls. She had seen him flirting with other people already WHILE we were together.  This reality was not in the ex-girlfriend era.  It was in the present (when she told me what she knew). But she didn't want to tell me that then, so she had told me about other examples from his past to let me know about the type of person he was/is.  And silly me, here I was thinking, "oh, but that's his ex-girlfriend and she was psycho too! They have a different dynamic, it won't be like that with me!" So it was shocking to hear that in our relationship, as early as 6 months, he was cheating.  6 months-- when we, no, I was knee-deep in infatuation, he was already cheating.

I'm sick to my stomach again and I feel like I can take 20 showers and still feel dirty.

Re-experiencing friendships

I ended up going out with friends the other night-- friends who know my first love. It was fine, actually.  It was fun, surprisingly! I made a purposeful effort not to a) think about Robert or to even b) associate those friends with Robert. For the first time, I simply enjoyed going out with these girls, and I actually allowed myself to think of them as being more than just Robert's friends. Suddenly, they became more multidimensional-- their identities, their experiences, their jokes, etc.  The world seemed more multidimensional too, and it wasn't only about relationships and heartbreak anymore.  It was about their life experiences, job experiences, our dynamics in-the-moment, and our collective memories of high school and life ever since.  I think I can like them now... now that they are considered to be so much more than just my ex's friends.

Week 1: Out of the forest

Week 1 at home!

For my first 3 days here, I was in pure vacation-mode.  I didn't really want to journal, and I didn't need to journal because I wasn't feel any heartache.  But then... a few things happened and I definitely want to write about it to process it all out of my system. I'll devote this entry to the first thing that happened-- and it has to do with B.

A few days ago, I watched a soap opera with my family called "sisters/sisterhood".  It is a show about three sisters (and also best friends) and the relationships they have with each other and their respective families.  Because I never watch the show, I happened to watch the episode when the youngest sister discovers her husband's affair with another woman. She is devastated, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and immobile.  She takes her young daughter to her parents' home so that she can get-away to process all that has happened.

As I watched this episode, I found myself feeling a strange sense of community with this actress, this character, this woman. She knows how I feel.  Her experience is similar to mine. She is going through what I went through. It was so weird how connected I felt to her, and it was so validating at the same time.  I don't know how people respond to infidelity.  I have never seen anyone react to cheating.  Other than my own experience, I have no sources for comparison.  As such, I don't know whether my feelings are... normal or typical or just flat-out appropriate. About 15 minutes after the show ended, my family and I were sitting around watching a commercial when suddenly, I started bawling.  The tears just erupted out of me and I found myself unable to stop crying.  I heard myself crying too.  The sounds that came out of me were so raw that it almost scared me. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt the pain come out of my stomach. I gasped for air and found myself panting and taking huge gasps of air because of how hard I was crying.  It was uncontrollable.  My grandma had gone into the kitchen to make some tea, and when she heard me, she rushed back to see what was happening.  "Why, Sher? What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you like this? Is it because of what happened to that character on the show? Do you pity her, is that why? What's wrong? Please stop crying!" My mom, also in the kitchen, just told her to let me cry it out. And I did.  The whole process was intense but also brief, lasting probably about 5 minutes. When I calmed back down, I simply continued what I was doing earlier -- folding paper boxes for my grandma while watching TV.  My family was kind enough not to mention this incident and to act like the whole scenario never happened.  I was grateful for that.

Still, my sudden outpour of emotions caught-me-off-guard. I haven't thought much about B. recently, and I hadn't realized that he/we still had such an effect on me.  After all, I talk about him therapy, I have journaled about him, cried about him, cut-off all contact with him.  So why did I respond so dramatically?  Also, why was my reaction so delayed? I didn't cry while watching the show.  It was only afterwards that my thoughts and feelings sunk in.  Is this how I generally process pain?  After it's happened?

I remember when B. cheated on me and I ended up taking him back.  Life proceeded quite normally afterwards and my friends and family could not understand how I was able to do that. Where was my "healthy anger?" they asked.  Why are you not responding in the normal way people respond to betrayal?  Why are you not livid? How can you act like nothing has happened?  I couldn't fully explain it then.  All I knew was that I had to hold-it-together for the time being. I had to get-through it logically, and only afterwards, I will then deal with the emotions. I described my strategy as escaping and surviving.  I was running through a forest feeling chased by something big, fast, and scary. I did not have time to stop, think, reflect, or get emotional. I had to run as fast as I could without using any cognitive capacities other than my animal instinct to get out ASAP. I'll think later. I'll reflect later. Once I am in the clear, once I am safe and far far away from danger, then I can allow myself to stop, turn around, and attend to my feelings.  For the time being, I need to just survive. And if that means suppressing my feelings knowing it will overwhelm me and my ability to function-- then so be it.  I will numb myself out until I have the capacity to deal with my feelings.

Well, I'm out of the forest now.  I'm done with that relationship now.  I'm away from danger, from betrayal, from expectations, from disappointment, from hurt and pain inflicted by B. because I am finally away from B. I am safe now because he is far away and cannot just show up randomly. I am protected because I have blocked him online and because I ignore all calls that are "blocked".  I have no wants or desires associated with him, as such, there is no possibility for me to be disappointed or hurt by him.  He can't touch me anymore.  Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually.  I'm no longer being chased.  I'm no longer escaping or running.  I can now stop, look back, and feel.

History of self-doubt

It is incredibly difficult for me to trust my perception of the world and the interpretation I derive out of what I perceive.  I think this is why I need so desperately to say aloud all the things I think and feel and see.  When things don't make sense to me (e.g., a break up, a conflict with a colleague or friend), I feel the need to tell the story as many times as possible to analyze and re-analyze the situation with as much objectivity as possible.  I want to tell several people about what happened. At the same time, I want to be as detached from the story as possible to avoid biasing their opinions.  I want to paint a neutral picture so they can decide what is "right" or "wrong".  I need them to tell me what is right or wrong because I don't know.  I don't trust my instincts and I don't know if my perception was actually reality.

My first-love haunts me in this way because I don't trust myself and my memory of what happened. I must have been incredibly emotional so was my perception really true? Did I interpret him correctly? Did I convey myself as clearly as possible?  I get caught-up in these details and can't remember what happened or why we really broke up.  My greatest fear is that Robert may have explained why we broke up.  Maybe he did it in a really unclear manner, but the point is that he might have done it but I didn't hear him.  Maybe I just didn't hear him because I was overwhelmed and emotional? I don't know.  I really don't know how it all unfolded other than growing emotional distance, frustration, tolerance, and impatience between us.

After we broke up, I think I was also feeling all of these feelings below:
a) angry at him and all of his negativity toward me
b) confused & needing time to step-back and figure out what happened
c) embarrassed to call him because I was so confused
d) self-blaming because I felt like I wondered if I did something terribly wrong
e) humiliated to ask him what/how/why I was wrong and why we got where we were
f) heartbroken because he was acting so differently from the person I fell in love with

In any case, it took 4 years later and an act of impulse to call him and to ask why.  WHY?  And I still don't think I got the answer(s).  Although I can't help but wonder if there will ever be an answer that will be enough for me.   I don't know.  I just don't know.

Day 5 Back Home

I had dinner with one of my childhood friends tonight.  Over our Thai iced teas and peanut satay skewered beef, I told her about my heartache, not with B., but with my obsession now towards Robert.  Because my friend Jenny has seen me in and out of this relationship, she knows that this topic is not something I casually or even frequently bring up.  She understands that unless I'm in extreme pain, I usually don't ever bring him up.

I remember when Robert and I first broke up.  No one really made a big deal out of it other than, well, me. For all intents and purposes, I appeared normal and decent to those outside of my home by plastering a fake smile on my face and numbing my heart whenever I was in the presence of others.  Home was a different story.  In the privacy of my own house, or my parents' house, I cried hysterically and did not want to go out-- ever.  One night, Jenny came over to check-in on me after hearing my voice crack on the phone. I remember letting her in the front door and promptly turning back toward her because my tears were uncontrollable. She watched me curl up into a ball on the couch and bawl.  She tried to hear me talk but I'm sure I made no sense. I was crying too much and too hard, and soon after, so did she. She cried with me because she was heartbroken seeing me cry.  She had never seen me in such pain, and it broke her heart to see that I could be so devastated.

So, you see, Jenny "gets it" and she has always gotten it.  Unlike my other friends, who I also adore but for different reasons, Jenny listens to me whereas others have casually brushed off this topic to say "oh, good riddance! We never thought he was that great, anyways."  I distinctly remember wishing I could talk on and on and on about Robert after the breakup, but not being able to because no one seemed to care.  It was so casual for everyone. So nonchalant.  Oh, a breakup.  It's all good, just move on, see more people, date more guys.  For me, it felt like the world was over.  But no one seemed to get that.

And so, about a decade later, over our dinner together, Jenny once again lets me talk. In fact, this time around, she tells me to let it all out.  She offered me such good advice.  She said that I should just feel what I feel and not stop myself anymore.  It hurts, so let it hurt.  Cry about it.  Mourn about it.  And when I feel like I'm done one day, then I'll stop doing it.  Jenny's simple response surprised me because in all these years, I never thought to allow myself to just... grieve about it.  Instead, I've avoided it, used to work to compensate for it, and I have fantasized different alternate stories to make sense of it rather than sit with the throbbing pain lodged between my heart and stomach.

So, when I got home after dinner and drinks together, I climbed into bed and allowed myself to think about Robert.  I cried a lot and I told myself it was OK to cry.  I missed him and told myself it was OK to miss him.  I looked out the window where he used to park the car and come to pick me up, and I gave myself permission to want him in that spot again.  I let myself fantasize, cry, hate, and miss him.  I let myself feel pathetic and desperate, and I considered it to be healthy this time, rather than "stuck in the past". 


I didn't feel better telling myself any of this stuff, but I did feel.

Days 2 & 3 Back Home

I haven't updated for the past few days because I've been in such emotional turmoil.  I am constantly thinking about my first love because everything I see/do/experience feels connected to him.  On my second day back home, some of our mutual friends got in contact with me to plan a get-together.  I was so excited and nervous at the same time because as usual, I wondered if they had any news to share with me about him.  I also wondered how I would broach the topic, and I thought of all the ways I could seem less pathetic in their eyes for being so stuck on what happened 10 years ago.

In the end, I had dinner with those girls and got very little information.  Towards the end of the night, when I couldn't imagine how else to weave his name into our topics, I just interjected and asked, "How's Robert? Do you guys know anything about him?"  In less than 3 sentences, they simply said that they just saw him last weekend and that he's fine and is simply working these days.  Period.  End of story. Change to a different topic altogether.

I wanted so desperately to ask more and to get them to tell me more.  What is he doing these days? What work? He used to be so passionate about graphic design but last I heard, he said he was switching to engineering to better financially provide for his mom who was diagnosed with cancer.  Is he doing engineering now or graphic design?  And if they saw him last weekend, was it because they were celebrating his birthday? Because his birthday was 2 weeks ago and I hope he had a celebration and he was surrounded by loved ones.

Alas, I said nothing and held my tongue.  These girls are not my friends.  They are with him and they will tell me as little as possible.  And as usual, I went home disappointed and regretful of the dinner outing because I feel worse than ever.  I mentally give myself a swift kick in the butt to remind myself that this happens every. single. time.  I always go out with these girls hoping to learn more, and end up having a miserable time throughout our dinners and biting my tongue from asking all that I want to ask.  I always worry about their judgment toward me and what they might tell Robert later on.  I fake laughter and poise to hold onto the last shred of dignity I have.  Even though deep down, I am yelling and screaming and begging for any information possible about him.  Desperate for anything that can help me be connected with him again or at least feel like I understood what truly happened between us.

In essence, I came home and cried and cried and cried.

Feeling like I am (ir)relevant

I caught up with girlfriends over the weekend and had a mini-reunion.
It's the same girls I went to the wedding with, and the same bride who is now happily married and in-town visiting for the weekend.

... and I got some validating news that I'm bursting to share!

Remember that entry that I wrote about beneficial flirting? The quick recap is that I met a very nice groomsmen who I walked with down the aisle and who was kind, attentive, courteous, and oh-so-very-cute.  We flirted, we laughed, we danced, we chatted,  it was wonderful.  Well, after I came back from the wedding, life just resumed and I continued onwards.  I was a little bummed that my cute groomsmen didn't ask to keep in touch.  OK, I'm lying. I was super bummed that he didn't want to keep in touch because another groomsmen had gotten the contact information of my close girlfriend and they began talking through facebook, sending text messages, and having phone calls ever since. Oh, and did I mention that he wanted to come visit her this weekend??!!

So, it's been hard not to make the comparison between my groomsmen and hers when we both had such a good time flirting and having fun.  In fact, she had told me that she observed such chemistry between me and my groomsmen.  So then, why have she and I had such different experiences (romantically) after the wedding weekend? Why is she being pursued but not me?  It's been hard for me to be happy for her without wondering if something about me is deficient.  I mean, why aren't I relevant?  Why didn't my groomsman want to get my contact info? In the words of my girlfriend, why didn't he at least keep in touch as friends? Still, I'm very happy for my girlfriend and I think she SO deserves to be pursued and wooed off her feet. For me, I just feel a bit of a blow to my ego.  My already-weak and injured ego!

So anyways, over the weekend, I got some information that made me feel 100X better about myself and whether I even imagined the chemistry to begin with.  My same girlfriend dug some information from the groom to learn that boys talk! And boys gossip!  And that my groomsmen has had several conversations about me being "hot" and him being interested in getting to know me.  I also learned that the difference between him and the other groomsmen is that he's shy. He's more of a nerdy shy guy so he's not as proactive with chasing a girl.  Also, he's had a really bad experience in a long-distance relationship before, so he is wary of starting something that is long-distance to begin with.

Whewwww! So I'm not totally irrelevant and I did not imagine that we flirted.  Wipe that sweat off my brow, baby.  For awhile there, I've been wondering if it I imagined the flirting and the attraction. I started to think that he's just a really good guy all the time, but that I mixed-up the signals and began to think I was special when I'm really actually not!  So, WHEW. It's good to get that validation that he was interested. It's also flattering to know that the word "hot" was used in the same sentence as my name!  That my groomsman is a shy guy also is comforting to hear.  Perhaps I am going back to my roots!  I have always been more attracted to shy guys than those who sweep you off your feet.  The only person that's been a total romantic and a total woo-er has been B., and clearly, that has confirmed for me that shyness is 100000% better than a womanizer.


Ah, thank you, validation!  I need other people's perspectives to let me know that my perception of the world is the same as theirs. I no longer have the self-esteem or confidence to know whether my experiences are true.  I can no longer decipher whether my feelings are legitimate or if I've been fooled into thinking they are legitimate.

This. Is. A. Problem.

From now on, if I ever have a positive experience with someone I'm attracted to, I will never know if my reality is the same as his.  In my eyes, I may think I'm special and that he is treating me in a special way.  In his eyes, however, I could be just as common as the next stranger walking down the street!  This is definitely a consequence of my relationship with B.  In the 2 years that we were together, I thought he loved me and that we were special to each other.  I thought so many things that turned out to be untrue.  His honey-sweet words made me feel cherished and unique.  But obviously, he had those words for any female walking down the street! So really, how can I ever feel genuinely cherished and unique again?  I can't!  I can't trust my responses anymore because I'll never know if they are true. I can't trust others and I can't trust me, either.  Great. Just great.

Trauma Bonds

I have been thinking about this topic for awhile now.  During my relationship with B., I had a vague sense that I was deeply attached to him for the wrong reasons, but I just didn't have the (whatever it is) to pull myself out.  The worse he was to me, the more I needed him.  The more he criticized me or criticized things surrounding me, the more I felt the need to please him-- all the while hating him inside-- but feeling compelled to make him proud of me at the same time.

Also, the worse he was, the more I needed to be with him.  That was how I felt anyway.  Sitting amongst friends, I would think about him and feel an urgency to rush to him.  Instead of enjoy the company of those who love me and who give me support and fun, my mind will always wander to B. and the need to quickly leave so I can be with him.  Ironically, I always left fun, relaxing atmospheres to get to him, and it was always utterly disappointing to rush there only to find him drunk, manic, depressive, inattentive, yes, always in this combination!

So the worse our relationship was, the less I talked.  The less I shared with friends.  The less I went out with friends. The less I thought about how I feel.

Which is why I have this blog now, and which is why I was so pleased to find this website today, when I googled trauma bonds:

http://victimsofpsychopaths.wordpress.com/traumatic-bonding/

I mostly know all of the facts and information.  What was most helpful for me was reading people's comments and feeling like there was support across all of our experiences.  What may be uniquely shameful to you is something that we have all experienced in some way, shape, or form. None of you are alone.  I can relate to your experiences and I hope you know that you have ever been the only person to go through what you have/had gone through.

Am I worthy of celebrating?

My friends are planning a birthday dinner for me tonight. We decided on this event late Thursday night and in less than 48 hours, they got a celebration planned.  I don't really know who will show up considering a) the late notice, and b) it's not even my birthday today.  My actual birthday is next week, but since I'll be out of town visiting family, I'm doing it now because of how crunched my schedule looks later this month.

This birthday party is pretty meaningful for me.  Born into a birthday-loving family, I am a birthday lover myself. In my family, when we celebrate someone's birthday, we give them the entire month rather than just the day. Which means that October has always been MY month.  November is my dad's month. February is my brother's month. And my mom has complete and total ownership of May because it's her birthday month AND mother's day.

With this background of having month-long laughter, fun, celebrating, and hugging to celebrate birthdays, I always dreamed of sharing such joyous occasions with my partner one day. But throughout my dating history, all of my ex-boyfriends have epically failed on my birthday. (Meanwhile, I plan huge shindigs for them-- which I would do no matter what! because that's what birthdays are! They are a celebration of love, recognition, and appreciation that THIS person exists in this world)

An example? My first boyfriend sucked at birthdays.  He didn't even come to the front door when he came to my house. My family and I had just gotten home from dinner and were about to cut the cake. He called from his car and told me to come outside. There in the backyard, standing next to two jumbo trash cans, he tossed me a Motown CD that still had a price tag on it. He said a quick happy birthday and left. He said he was so busy that he couldn't even come into the house to have a slice of cake.  He refused to stop in to even say hi to my family.

Still, B. tops the chart for being worst boyfriend on birthday.  He used "culture" as an excuse, and says that in Eastern Europe, people don't celebrate birthdays.  In fact, sons and daughters used to hammer their parents on the head (yes! with an actual hammer!) because that's what old age brings. Parents don't want to burden their children in their senior state, so that's what birthdays are really about.  Hammers and murder, apparently.

So, throughout our dating history, B. never really acknowledged birthdays or celebrated them (other than his own!).  He never took me out to dinner, never got me a cake, never got me a present (not even a sentimental one), and never even wished me a real happy birthday-- other than to mock me and to label it an "American concept."  For my last 2 birthdays, he succeeded in raining on my parade with his INaction.  When I had a small birthday gathering the first time, he went out of town. When he came back, he gave me a small box of mints and didn't even mention that I was one year older! The second year, he was even more explicit, declaring he didn't want to have dinner with my friends and I, and choosing to stay home instead.

It's quite ironic. In my head, I always thought a wonderful birthday celebration meant being with the ones you loved.  That's all I want, really.  To be surrounded by friends, family, and my partner, and to eat together, laugh together, and to share time together.  No presents necessary.  Just come together, all of you, so I can see you all at the same time, and spend some precious time with you.

So I feel different now.  I don't really know what to think about celebrating MY birthdays anymore because its just depressing these days.  My nature is to have it big, loud, fun, and over-the-top.  But I date jerks who treat it like any other day and who can't be bothered to spend time with me or those I love.  It was difficult for me to decide on having this dinner tonight, because part of me has been contaminated by their apathy.  Part of me wants to close my eyes and let the day pass by.  Let this month pass my.  Let me existence pass by, and let this life pass by.  I no longer feel like it's anything to celebrate because because as history can prove: I am not worthy of being celebrated.

Which is why this birthday dinner tonight is pretty meaningful.  It means I'll work hard NOT to be influenced by the apathetic, the hurtful, and unapologetic. I will maintain my enthusiasm for life and for celebrating with those I love. Even though I feel like I am sucked dry of positive energy, I will try to have some degree of self-worth for myself. I will believe I'm worthy of being celebrated. I want to focus my energy and appreciation to those who want to celebrate with me.  I will strive to be grateful, happy, and inspired to have so many loved ones around me who care enough to want to be with me tonight.  Because I haven't felt that in quite a long time.