Double-dating with brothers

One of the best parts of yesterday was spending time with Jay's brother and his girlfriend, Cathy. They joined us toward the later part of the night so we had dinner together. They've been in a 3-year long-distance relationship so Cathy has had extensive history with both brothers and their parents! She talked at length about how great their parents were, and how excited she was for me to meet them this weekend. As though I wasn't already secretly excited, her enthusiasm was got me even more pumped! I couldn't be happier luckier that Cathy will be in town so that we can spend time with their parents together.

Toward the end of dinner, I excused myself to go to the restroom and Cathy asked to join me. In that short amount of time, she detailed to me, her relationship history with Jay's brother and their plans to be reunited in the next half-year. She also asked about Jay and my plans for the future, to which, I couldn't answer her question.

All I could say was that our relationship is new and I'm not sure what the future holds. Having been in my predicament in her relationship, Cathy expressed empathy and said that it was similar when she first met jay's brother. She exhibited such excitement for our relationship, exclaiming how cute we were as a couple and how evident it is that Jay and I like and enjoy being with each other.

While we were in the restroom, I also blurted out to Cathy how intimidating it is to date Jay given his previous relationship being 10 years-long! How do you follow something like that? Cathy's reaction was magnificent though. At first, she was surprised that it was such a long courtship between them. Then she added, "oh, but she was a bitch!"

As petty, un-feminist, and embarrassing as it is to admit-- I was so pleasantly surprised to hear such a negative reaction of Jay's ex Apparently, based on Cathy's report, Jay's ex-girlfriend was quite vulgar and would curse in front of their parents! Of course, I can't confirm if that's actually true. However, it is quite appalling to imagine such a level of disrespect. Additionally, it's nice to have something to be able to differentiate myself from her; knowing I could never do or say anything like that.  

But then again, I also wondered if anyone would ever describe me that way: vulgar.  I want to say no, but my humor can be pretty crude and my jokes can be perverted. Is that the same as vulgar? I hope not! I'd really like to be different from his last girlfriend.

Cathy was very expressive about wanting to spend more time together to talk about the brothers. Her openness, friendliness, and enthusiasm was contagious and fun. She already feels like a little sister and at the end of the night, my friends remarked she could be my potential and future sister-in-law. They were joking when they said this of course-- but my heart skipped a beat and I wondered about the possibilities...  I do love double dates and group outings; and yesterday was the best of everything and more.

The upcoming weekend is quickly approaching and I am so excited to spend time with what could potentially be my future family. (Is that so exaggerated and dramatic?) I am pretty embarrassed and excited at the same time.

Pandora's box

SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.

So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.

Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life.  Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!

Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend.  Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.

I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade.  DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?

What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?

I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true.  When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me.  It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.

I can't breathe.

The shadow of his exes

My insecurities are getting the worst of me today.  I'm telling you, it's the post-Valentine's blues!

I recently learned that Jay has been in a total of 2 relationships.

1. Ex-girlfriend #1 was his first love that began during his junior year of high school when he said he was with a "ghetto" chick for 1 year. They ended things because she was overly possessive, jealous, and in his words: "toxic."  
2. Ex-girlfriend #2 was a relationship that started in his senior year of high school and lasted 10 years.  Yes, you heard me, 10 years. Much of that relationship was long-distance and they broke up mutually & amicably 2 years ago because they realized they were more friends than romantic partners. Apparently, she left school and moved back to her hometown and their life paths changed. He said that his hometown could never be an option because there's nothing there for him professionally. In any case, during one of their visits together, they mutually decided to take a "break" from each other. The day after, they met again and decided to call it quits, permanently.  

Wow. The ending of a 10 year relationship and it's just over? Just like that?  Applied to my life, it would be like my dating history never happened. I would have been with Robert for the last 8 years!

So I asked a million questions to learn more about Jay's feelings and reactions. Was he utterly devastated? Heartbroken? Sad, at least? He said no, no, and no. Apparently, during the last 2 years of that relationship, it already felt like they were dwindling. So when they finally cut it off, he really didn't feel like it affected his life or emotional experiences, either.

Jay's story scares me because it makes me wonder if he's ever been in love. I asked him if he had thought ex-girlfriend #2 could have been his wife someday-- and his answer was yes, because they'd been together for so long. What kind of an answer is that?!

NOTE: If anyone ever proposes to me, it better because they can't imagine living life without me and not because we'd been together long enough that it feels like the right thing to do/next step to take.

I don't really get Jay. Has he experienced heartbreak? Does he know what angst is like? Rejection? Does he know what being alone is like? Or what his own identity is-- separate from a partner?

Of course, I did not ask all of those questions aloud. But I did hint at them and he responded that he spent the last 2 years figuring out his individuality: traveling and learning about himself.

The bitter and cynical part of me snorted at that. 2 years, buddy? Seriously? That's nothing. Try 10 years of singlehood-- interspersed with 2 toxic, abusive relationships and a handful of sleepovers with guys who offered good dates at first, but then seemed utterly incompatible.

But why compare myself with him? By doing that, what am I accomplishing? What kind of sick game is that, and if it were game, who would the winner be?

• Who's been rejected more?
• Who's experienced more pain?
• Who appreciates being in a relationship more?
• Who is more pure?
• Who endorses more naiveness and optimism?

My insecurity is popping up because of how much I realize I miss him, sometimes.

Every time he's about to leave my house, I feel this wave of dread and sadness.
After he leaves, I become immobilized in some way, and unable to return to real life. I wait the full 2 hours and 35 minutes for him to get home and my life is essentially on-hold until then. When I finally get the text that he's safe and sound, I can resume life again.

His absence can feel really significant sometimes, and on days (like today), I really miss him and I'm pretty sure the feeling is not mutual because he's either sleeping, working, or playing with his bicycle.

That's when I think: Hmph, he doesn't miss me because a) our life experiences are totally different based on our dating history, or b) he just doesn't like me as much as I like him.

HINT: Both response options suck.