Being taken care of

I celebrated an entire day of festivities with my friends and Jay yesterday.  I've never partied with a boyfriend before. In fact, it's amazing not to date an alcoholic (ahem, B.). There was no need to worry about anyone engaging in self-destructive or other-destructive behaviors. In fact, I was able to let-down my guard to have a good time. I even let myself get a little tipsy and allowed him to take care of me!

Jay took care of me in so many ways that I felt warm and fuzzy:

1. He let me wear his raincoat all day even though he must have been cold in his measly little windbreaker in almost-freezing temperature.
2. He zipped me in-and-out of his raincoat whenever the temperature changed.
3. We shared drinks and he held hold our beverage the whole time because my hands were cold and he was wearing gloves.
4. He let me run around, jump up & down-- all the while watching from behind and being a secure base for me to return toward.
5. He also got some great throws from the celebration and gave me all his goodies!
6. Towards the end of the night, when we progressively drank more, he held onto me to make sure I wouldn't fall.
7. He drove in from one hour away to party with us; and then drove home almost 18 hours later by his lonesome.
8. He paid for dinner, as he always does.

It was so hard to say goodbye to Jay at the end of the night-- especially knowing he would be driving alone for the next hour while I had my group of friends for company. When we drove to drop him off at his car, I leaned over, kissed him, and told him those 3 little words again. He responded with "I love you too" before planting a kiss on my lips and then thanking my pals for the drop-off. When he climbed out of the car, I figured he'd give one final wave to me before walking off.  Instead, he leaned in for a goodbye kiss, after which he returned to say: "just one more kiss" before his lips claimed mine again. My heart fluttered and melted at the same time, and I metaphorically felt like putty in his hands.

As we headed back home, I fell asleep throughout the 1.5 hour drive back, feeling enveloped in love, affection, and being taken care of. I was so content, warm, and fuzzy, and I thought to myself, "I have the best boyfriend in the entire world." I can't believe I'll be meeting his parents this upcoming weekend and I'm so excited to see where he came from and the people who made him so special!

Pandora's box

SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.

So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.

Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life.  Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!

Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend.  Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.

I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade.  DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?

What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?

I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true.  When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me.  It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.

I can't breathe.

Punishing him, punishing myself

I had a great 12-hour date with Jay when he drove up 2.5 hours on Friday night. I had a work event that night and he sat-in and watched. It was quite nerve-wracking since it is the first time he's ever seen me in my professional element. It was vulnerable and I felt that much closer to him.

We woke up at 5am the next morning so he can hit the road to make it to his professional event. "I'll text you when I get there," he said, as he opened his car door and gave me a knowing smile. He knew I would worry about his long drive, and it was comforting to know he understood that it mattered to me. "OK," I said casually as I thought about how lucky I was to have such an understanding boyfriend who care about me and my feelings.

Except, that he didn't.

And this was the 2nd time that he didn't follow-through with his words. So, a couple of hours later, I wrote a text that simply stated, "I'm going to assume you got there safely..." and I waited for his reply.

I waited and waited and waited.

Exactly one hour later, he wrote back an apology and told me how busy it was when he arrived! He also showed me a picture of the throngs of people he had to cater to.

After reading his response, an unexpected, guttural, and animalistic sound escaped me. It came from deep within my stomach and the anxiety coursed out of me.  It was a sob and I cried intensely for less than a minute and shed only a few tears. I hadn't even known I was carrying that much anxiety.

I did not reply to Jay after that. For the rest of that day, I made a conscious effort to be unresponsive. I was too hurt and I was reliving the past.

Similar feelings of being tricked, betrayed, and beguiled came over me. When I was with B., I often felt like he had eyes only for me. It was later in my relationship that I learned the truth. That, the second I turned my back, I was out-of-sight and out-of-mind for him. Whatever promises, commitment, or loyalty he had toward me were now given to whoever woman he was setting his eyes on. I wondered; is this process identical for Jay? He had said to me: "I'll text you when I get there" and then forgot about me as soon as he left. When we're together, he treats me like he only has eyes for me! But when he's gone, obviously, I'm also out of the picture.

My mind reeled. My heart reeled. I felt sick to my stomach.

Late in the afternoon, Jay called to see how my day was. We generally don't call each other until nighttime, so I imagine it's because he thought my silence was unusual.

He was right, actually. I was in pain. But I wonder if I was also wanting to push him away with the pain. My silence was as much as my retreat as it was a punishment for him. Intentional or not, my action was my subtle way of saying: this hurts so much again and perhaps a bit of a fuck you.

Relationship with myself

Time after time, person after person, relationship after relationship, I've lost myself, my identity, and my needs.

It's happening again, but this time it's not about a boy or a romantic relationship either.

As I'm working on my dissertation (defense), I have been feeling utterly terrified. Immobilized even. I sit in front of the computer, freak-out in my head feeling traumatized by my last experience with my dissertation committee.

2 years ago, I had the most negative academic experience of my life... and it was one week after I had discovered that B. cheated on me.  May 5 was the day that I discovered his cheating emails to another woman and I had been devastated beyond belief.  One week later, I had my dissertation proposal meeting with 4 professors grilled me about my project, my research, and my abilities. I knew that those meetings are supposed to be hard, but it was much more than that for me. It was devastating as well-- except this time, professionally.  I had gotten such negative feedback, such poor delivery in the feedback, such a slap-in-the-face (figuratively) that I lost all sense of confidence in me. I felt completely incompetent in every single way possible: as a person, lover,  woman, girlfriend, and then on top of that, as a researcher, scientist, student, advisee, etc. etc.

Fast-forward to now and it's 2 years later but I feel the same, if not worse. I feel ashamed of what happened 2 years ago.  On top of that, I anticipate a repeat episode of what happened before. People who don't know me shake their heads at me and laugh off my concerns. They think I'm freaking out for no reason and remind me of my strengths.  But for the people who know me, they know that my self-doubt and fear are not case-specific or incident-specific. They are the outcome of two of the most negative experiences of my life and they are now, salient aspects of my identity.

I leave myself with this quote as a reminder that I have to prove myself wrong.  I have to pass this test, in the same way I passed my last "test" when B. suddenly showed up in my life but I maintained boundaries, composure, and distance. I have to pass it because if I don't, the same problems will emerge over and over, and they will all entail my sense of self-doubt, self-shame, and immobilized fear to "be myself"-- for better or for worse.

Revenge?

"The best revenge after a break-up is to look good."

I never heard of that before, but it suuure makes sense to me!  Without explicitly planning that, I've always aspired for this goal without even knowing it.

After my first breakup, which was with Robert, I caked myself with heavy make-up every single time I went back home to visit.  Whether it was a trip to the grocery store, or a fun night out with friends, I made sure I looked impeccable... just in case I might run into him.  Annnd just in case his friends decide to relay the message that I looked sizzling hot.

I still try to look good when I go home, because as luck would have it, I bet the one time I go out in sweatpants and a t-shirt, I'll run into him. Only, I haven't run into him yet.

As for my breakup with B. last year, I haven't thought to look good and I've done the opposite instead.  I don't mean to say I look bad, but I was definitely tired of dressing to impress, and making so much effort for him, period.  Getting him out of my life was so rough, that I was just so tired and so drained. 

But I did start taking care of myself from within: eating healthy, being more physically active, sleeping normal hours, hanging out with friends, doing things that rejuvenate me like cooking and watching movies... All of those things made me feel better on the inside, and it was strange that I really didn't care about how I looked on the outside.

Still, I have to tell you that it's true what they say! Feeling good on the inside does translate into looking good on the outside. When I saw B. that fateful day week when he suddenly showed up, his eyes just about popped when he saw me.  First reaction? "Wow you look really good!"

And it's true that on that day, I was wearing a dress, some leggings, and some very cute flats. I had weighed myself and learned that I've lost about 6 pounds over the past few months because of my eating and working out. I know I looked good. But I didn't do it for him this time around.  I was dressing cute for me. I was eating healthy for me. I was working out for me. I was doing all these things for me, and in turn, they helped make me feel and look even better. OK, now, the petty part of me also wants to emphasize that he did not look good. He looked like he gained weight, his face seemed sweaty, his hair seemed messy, and he appeared to aged since I last saw him. Not attractive. Not attractive at all.

So, in retrospect, I guess you can call that my revenge. It wasn't my plan to look good for him, but ha! In your face!

2 ex-boyfriends, 1 dream

I am super stressed and super sleep-deprived.

I am attempting to finish my big ol' dissertation in the next week, and the all-nighters are killin' me!

When I did sleep for a few hours the other day, I spent it dreaming... specifically, I dreamt of 2 ex-boyfriend attending 1 party with me. Can you say total craziness?

This is what I remember:

I'm at someone's house attending some sort of brunch party or afternoon lunch/dinner party.  It must be Spring-time because it's a sunny day. There are giant windows in the house and tons of natural light streaming in.  I'm standing in a beautiful kitchen, exactly the kind of room I would like when I own a house one day.  Around me, there are lots of people chatting, holding wine glasses and sampling finger-foods and other delicious appetizers.  There are tulips in the garden and I can see the lush green grass and the budding flowers beyond the windows.  It is a gorgeous day and people are dressed as though they are celebrating Easter (so weird because I have never celebrated this holiday in my life!).  Pastel colors are everywhere and even I, myself, am wearing something light, colorful, festive, and pretty.  I am wearing the kind of dress or skirt that looks whimsical and magical and flows all around you. It's a really classy party and everyone there looks dolled-up for the event.

There are tons of food and wine on the island in the kitchen and I'm resting my elbows on the bar, listening to friends talk.  As I'm listening, my eyes dart behind them, looking for someone.  Why? Because just now, somebody told me that Robert is here. Without compromising my dignity or my rational thoughts to run into every room, I've decided to stay still and do exactly what I was doing:  I'm hanging out with friends.  But I'm also looking for him as hard as I possibly can, and I'm SO hoping that I'll soon "run-into him."

The anticipation of seeing Robert gives me such an adrenaline rush that I take a few breaths before turning around to scope out the other side of the room. I'm excited, nervous, happy, a little scared, and more than anything, I'm curious!  I'm so curious!  What does Robert look like now? How will our interaction be when we do eventually meet face-to-face?  If Robert is attending a party, he must be in a good place! I can hardly contain my excitement. And when I do turn around, there he is, a very familiar face looking right at me.  But it's not Robert.  It's not Robert at all. Who do you imagine is standing right there? B.


I am incredibly shocked (in a bad way) and totally confused.  I was anticipating feeling surprised, yes. But the surprise should not have been him, and the surprise also includes frustration. Of all the events to intrude on, this should not be one of them.  This event (and even dream) is about Robert.  I feel irritated that B. is here, stealing the spotlight. Right then and there, I realized I was dreaming.  There is simply no way both of them can show up in one place.  The combination of them 2 in one place is slimmer than none; it is my two separate universes overlapping each other.  I'm disappointed and annoyed now because this dream was about Robert.  My subconscious was all about Robert. So why in heavens is B. here?  Why is he ruining a dream that is hopeful, exciting, nerve-wracking, but also good at the same time?  So rarely do I dream of Robert.  Why did he have to take that away from me?

For some reason, the B. in my dream is less aggressive than he usually is. In turn, I feel less-disgusted with him than I feel in real life. I actually wonder if he can be my friend. I decide to take the risk and tell him about my history with Robert. I ask him to help me, and I ask if he's seen Robert at the party. I'm trusting him with my history, and I'm taking a leap of faith that he can be there for me, as a friend.

Instead, B. mocks me and tells me to get-over-it and to move on. He advises me to stop looking and to stop caring. It's a pity I'm wasting my time on someone like Robert. He laughs at how naiive I am and looks at me quite pitifully.  Instead, he suggests, why not go him? As my most recent ex-boyfriend, he's a sure thing and he continues to want me. But Robert? An ex-boyfriend from 7 years ago? That's a gamble that I wouldn't want to take. At first, B is joking as he says this. But soon he gets more serious about me leaving the party with him. He is annoyed that someone else is in the picture (other than him).  He now wants me more than ever, simply because my heart is no longer his. I consistently say no and keep my focus on Robert, but he will not stop asking me.

Frustrated with my rejections, B. attempts to threaten me by saying he'll disappear forever if I continue to reject him. I do not fall for his manipulation and I tell him great! please leave! B. tells me that it's not worth it to wait around for Robert and that I should appreciate him for being here, instead. He then threatens to blow my cover by telling Robert that I'm around and looking for him, and that's when his threat works and he has my full attention.  I cling onto his shirt sleeve and look him dead-serious in the eye. "You wouldn't!" I gasped, my heart pounding and my disappointment rising as I think about the hope I had for him being my friend and helping me. He grins at me, shrugs, and walks away. 

I turn back to the big windows, to the kitchen in front of me, and I wonder how I look from B.'s perspective. Am I as pathetic as he thinks? Still, I continue to wait and I continue to hope about Robert. I wonder if B. has left the party and if he is gone for good. I had hoped he could help me. I had hoped we could have some sort of positive ending someday. Suddenly, in that very moment, I feel very alone, even if I'm surrounded by room full of happy, chattering people.

As the dream comes to an end, I see the scene pan out.  I'm still standing in the middle of the large kitchen, gazing out the window on the other side of the room. It's still a beautiful day, and this is a beautiful house with amazing food, people, and conversation. There I am, holding a glass of wine, some appetizers in a plate, looking pretty on the outside, but feeling anxious inside. I am waiting. There are many friends and acquaintances near me, chatting, having a good time, catching-up, and enjoying one another. Although I stand amongst them, seemingly happy, I am simultaneously reflecting, watching, and trying to absorb everything around me.  I am happy too, I think, but I am also feeling the exhausting of waiting.

What does this dream mean!?

Randomness of life

Dear blog, thank you for existing.  I have immense gratitude that this "space" exists and I have a place to write, cry, vent, reflect, and not care at all whether I am annoying another person with my troubles.

You know how life throws you random things when you least expect it?

Well, it's been two weeks since B.'s visit and I've been completely focused on school work and finishing up the semester/school year.  I'm on-track, again. I'm eating healthy. This paleo thing is starting to feel natural. I'm starting to feel like I'm back on my routine.  And lastly, Mr. Z. is completing his last obedience training class before we take the test to get him certified as a therapy dog.

Things have been feeling like they are progressing and moving forward.

Except that I suddenly got a call this week from Jenny, telling me news of my first love.  And now I'm emotionally spiraling and pulled-back into the heartaches of my first love and why things are the way they are now.

Random, I know.

Running away

Hi, I'm back.

I know, bad blogger, bad blogger.

Last week, with all that happened, I ran away from journaling, writing, reflecting, or even being mindful.  I couldn't stand to have a pity-party. And I really did not want to feel angry, either. So I decided to stop thinking altogether.

Instead, I threw myself into surviving the week and pretending B. never re-appeared back into my life.  I busied myself with planning Mr. Z's birthday party (yes, I did throw him a bday party), which required cleaning my house, baking a doggy-cake from scratch, buying actual cakes for the humans who are coming, and getting all sorts of party supplies for the big day.

Celebrating Mr. Z's bday got me through the week.  As Penny would day, "Look, he's saving you from B. again."

As absurd as it sounds to throw a birthday party for your dog, I did it!  I judged myself quite harshly throughout the process, and also ridiculed myself in the privacy of my own thoughts.  Here I am, someone who used to fear dogs and to mock those who carted their puppies everywhere.  And now, I am on the other side of the fence, doing exactly what I would have laughed at, merely a year ago.

Wait, who am I again?

But then I remind myself that this is how I love.  Throwing a party for Mr. Z. is not that different from when I threw B. a surprise birthday party 2 years ago.  Being in the foul mood that he was in, and considering he has 0 friends, I invited a group of my pals over for dinner.  He wanted to cook, so I assisted while he showed-off his skills.  I asked Penny to bring over an expensive ice cream cake and I prepared candles so we can surprise him after dinner.  The entire event went off without a hitch, and he was so pleasantly surprised.  It was quite wonderful to make someone happy and it made me feel like I was soaring on cloud now!  Until.... everyone left.  When the party ended, he wanted to alcohol, stat.  That's what happens when he got happy.  ALCOHOL! And when he got sad? ALCOHOL!  And of course, without a car, he wanted me to drive him to pick up liquor. 

Now, for me, there are few things I hate doing.  But liquor runs?

I DETEST liquor runs. 

I feel cheap going on liquor runs and I personally don't like the effect of excessive alcohol in people.  The entire night went from wonderful to bitter.  I ended up driving him to pick up alcohol and dropping him off at home.  I came back alone to my apartment and did all the cleaning up that you do after a party.  We had already yelled and screamed and there was just exhaustion and more exhaustion.  Ah, memories of that party.  How bitter that was, and not at all sweet.

This year, I was so happy to throw a party for Mr. Z. and to clean up for him afterwards.  We sang a birthday song (at my request), we ate cake, we cut his cake, we opened presents, and we laughed at me and this event that I made everyone come for. 

It was absolutely strange and fun!  And when it ended, it was still wonderful and that was a healing experience for me.  It was so reparative to know that I can love and give again, and not be damaged in return.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Mr. Z!

Thank you for coming into my life!

This is just the 1st of many more celebrations to come! :)

Deja Vu

The day after my confrontation with B., I went to school nervously, but was glad not to see him anywhere.

The day following that, I hoped he already left town so I could be at peace again.  How wrong I was.

Because of the anxiety/drain that I felt from his mere presence, I was taking naps all week.  I was trying to avoid reality and to do so by diving into unconsciousness.  When I woke up that afternoon, I got a voicemail from Connie saying she had seen B. and that she had something to show me. In a very short amount of time, I quickly went from groggy to anxiety and fear.  Is he still here? Why is he still here? What is he doing in town now? Hasn't it been 2 days later? Shouldn't he be gone already?

It turns out, Connie had a video to show me.  A video from when she caught B. walking hand-in-hand with a girl just outside our office building that afternoon!  She sent it to me and told me how surprised she was when she walked out the front door and saw him heading down the street (towards her) in broad daylight holding hands with someone else.  Connie had been so surprised she froze and then decided to video record him and this other woman on her phone!  She could not believe the coincidence and she wanted to make sure I know that I had NOTHING to feel guilty for from our last confrontation.  As she talked, she laughed, describing to me the scenario of her video recording him, and him being caught by her and shooting her glaring looks. She's certain that he recognized her.  She quickly sent the video and told me to call her after I watch it.

As I jumped into the car getting ready to buy last-minute groceries, I stopped at a red light and opened-up that video. 

There it was: in broad daylight, B. walking hand-in-hand with a red-headed girl. He's wearing the exact same clothes he had on when I saw him in our last two encounters. He is walking in the same nonchalant way he always walks. And when he sees the video/phone towards him, he glares at the camera person before turning his face down toward the ground.

As I'm watching the beginning of the video, I'm laughing out loud, imagining Connie pulling out her phone in the middle of the day, in the middle of the road, blatantly recording someone walking down the street.  I feel relieved that this video is about another girl rather than of him waiting for me at my office door. I feel liberated that he has moved on and I hope that it means I will finally be left alone by him. I feel such a large burden removed from my shoulder.  I feel like I can breathe again and also not feel guilty for our last conversation. But just as quickly as I laughed and am starting to feel good, I find myself suddenly starting to sob.  No tears come out, but I am heaving heavily and my breath is caught in my throat. My chest hurts, my nose is feeling that soreness before I start to cry, and my eyes are feeling watery and near-explosive. I don't understand what's happening to my body nor do I understand how I am emotionally responding.  Why did I laugh earlier? Why am I about to cry? Why does my heart hurt as though it is breaking again? Why am I so confused, and why don't I understand what is happening within me in this very moment?

I call Connie back and she is feeling celebratory about "catching him" and being able to show me the video. She's so glad to document the scum that he is.  She is shell-shocked about this coincidence and cannot believe he had the audacity to parade a girl around, just 2 days after writing me a note saying he is not dating.  She is certain he is a pathological liar.  And she is completely positive about him being very very mentally sick. She is happy for me and is so happy to share this with me. This should be wonderful evidence for me to feel better. Now I don't have to feel bad about our last conversation.  And now, I should be even more convinced that leaving him was the best thing I did. I agree with her--rationally.  Emotionally, however, I want to join her enthusiasm but I can't. I can't catch up to that enthusiasm and I need time to understand how I'm feeling first. I tell her I'll call her back and then I start driving.  And shopping. I wander the aisles in the grocery store and grab what I need. When I realize it's 9pm and I'm incredibly hungry, I stop by at a very new and already-famous burger joint.  It's already closing-time so I am the last customer waiting in line.  I order a burger and sit alone trying to eat console my body. Even after eating the entire thing, I'm still not ready to go home, so I go to another grocery store.  I head to a 24-hour grocery store this time and wander down every single aisle.  I call Penny. I call my mom. I tell them about the video and then I begin to openly cry.

In my car is where I cry.  But also in the store.  I tell them how mixed I feel and how confused I am. Although I am relieved on the one hand, I feel so betrayed on the other. I am experiencing deja vu, and it's like a sick sick game being replayed over for me.  2 years ago, I had gotten a similar message right after I caught him cheating with someone else.  It had been a Wednesday when I first caught him cheating.  And it was on that Friday that we went to couples counseling.  On Saturday afternoon, he called to say he was going to walk to the coffee shop for some coffee, and a few hours later, Penny called and apologetically gave me the devastating news.  Penny said sorry a few times and then said that she was at the park with her family.  She said she thought she saw me and B. together and had run up to say hi to us.  Before reaching "us", she realized that it was B. with another girl.  She saw him hold hands with this girl and before he looked up to see her.  When B. saw Penny, he quickly shoved that girl away, but she ran back to him to hold his hands. In the same way that B. had looked downward at the groun,d he did the same when walking past Penny. He avoided eye contact altogether and walked away as briskly as possible. I remember that when Penny told me this over the phone, her voice began to crack and she began to cry. She told me not to forgive him, not to listen to his sorry excuses, and not to let him into my life again.  This infidelity was not the same as Wednesday's discovery.  This girl he's cheating with was not the same girl I caught just 2 days ago.  This was someone completely different and it was within a span of 2 days that he was doing it. We had just gone to couples counseling the day before, and already, I was being lied to, again.  Once, twice, three times, who knows how many more lies there are?!

So.... that is my deja vu when I see this video.  Penny hadn't taken a video last time, but her words were just as good as my eyes. Within seconds of her call, B. had called and I had ignored about 10 of his calls before I finally picked up. He apologized first and then lied some more. He insisted that the girl was a friend and that Penny saw wrong. He concocted story after story after story. I won't delve into the details of that story in this post. That is a long long story for a different day. For now, it just triggered everything, in the same way an avalanche crashes and drowns you.

This video triggered me and continues to trigger my memories and my emotions.  What the hell, man. I thought I was broken before and that I was starting to heal now.  I thought I had hit rock bottom and that I was trying to climb back up.  I thought I was making good progress and starting to forget about this person and the pain he inflicted on me.  HECK, I thought this person would no longer be in my life and much more, I thought he could no longer ever ever hurt me. 

Boy, I was so wrong.  Boy was I ever so wrong... in every one of these questions, I was dead wrong.

Pre-Confrontation

Before running into B. in the parking lot, I had discovered a note jammed in the door of my car.

It was a note from B., from the day before.  In it, he wrote HI!!! He wrote that he was so happy to see me even if it was just for a few seconds before I went into a meeting with my advisor. He said he went to my office 1 hour ago but was not able to find me. He said he was in town for the next 2 days because he is working on a project with his former advisor. He said he wishes me well and he used terms of affection to refer to me. He emphasized wanting to thank me twice. He said that he no longer smokes. He no longer drinks. He's working on publishing his 3rd book. And last but not least, he is single and has not dating a prospective partner for marriage. Oh, and good luck at my meetings!

My reactions:
1. WTF, are you crazy? What world are you living in that you think our "seeing" each other was a good thing? I was so busy running away from you, why would you think it was a purposeful meeting instead of me avoiding you altogether?

2. How dare you use terms of affection to refer to me.  We broke up almost 9 months ago and it was not on good terms.  I said don't show up to my office, don't call me, don't email me, don't contact me in any way.  Why would you think we are even the slightest bit friendly with each other?

3. Good for you that you no longer smoke, drink, and womanize.  On the one hand, I am happy for you.  I hope you are living a healthier life.  On the other hand, I feel like his health has been exchanged for mine.  I lost so much at the expense of this change.  I've been dragged through so much pain for the good he feels now.  Ironic that he never thought drinking/smoking/womanizing was a problem.  Now you thank me for getting you out of all those nasty habits?

4. How does he know that I'm going to meeting after meeting after meeting?


Following our confrontation, I felt quite a lot of guilt.  I thought of his note and wondered about his efforts to change and be healthy.  In no way do I EVER want to be back with him.  Never ever ever ever ever.  I'd sooner jump off a high-riser than let him touch even one single hair on me.

But still, if someone is attempting to change for the better, shouldn't they get some bit of encouragement? Shouldn't there be some recognition of strivings for growth (even if their growth was at the expense of your health)?

So, that was my guilt.  And I did feel guilty for being so cruel, so mean, and so cold to him.  Therein lies that cycle where he makes me feel like I'm crazy, I'm mean, I'm the perpetrator and he's the victim.  So many friends have had to remind me that our dynamic is part of a bigger process, and not an isolated event.  I am not mean to him on this one occasion. It is the ONLY way to deal with him and to give him the consistent message that I do NOT want him near me.  It is also the ONLY way to respond to him, because any sign of softness will be interpreted as weakness and he will prey on me... again.  Still, I felt guilty and spent an afternoon hiding in my covers feeling very very bad.

Guilt

Guilt.  That dirty little thing.  It's almost as bad as shame, but it's actually very different.  It's about what you DID as opposed to who you ARE.  It's less of an identity-problem than shame, but it's worse in some ways because you can actually change it.  You can believe that if you did something different, you would feel less guilty. Whereas, with shame, there's nothing you can do to change feeling shameful... other than change who you are altogether, I suppose.

I had so much guilt after my encounter with B.  I felt so mean, cruel, so cold, and simultaneously, I felt disgusted with these feelings at the same time.  My run-in with him is identical to other encounters we have had.  Time and time again, when he has broken my heart, devastated me, and dragged my morale through glass shards, he will re-appear before me with a big smile and a big hug, asking me, "what's wrong?"  That is B.'s signature move and it killed me-- the most slow and gruesome pain I could have ever experienced. He did it to me over and over until I lost every shred of my identity and confidence in myself. I doubted every aspect of who I was, from my self-worth down to how I was feeling in-the-moment.  It was B.'s world, not mine.

What usually happens is something devastating in our relationship.  I just caught him cheating. We just had a huge blow-out fight. He just told me he has no intentions of pursuing long-distance dating and is just playing around until something better comes around. There will be tears, there will be pain, there will be heartache.  But a few minutes later, or even a few hours later, he will re-emerge completely differently. He will have a smile on him when I see him again. He will show up looking absolutely happy and acting like we have not seen each other in ages. As I stand there feeling like my heart is figuratively dripping with blood, he will run towards me with open arms and ask me what's wrong. He will put on a sad puppy dog face and tell me he loves me.  He will ask me if everything's OK, and he will play dumb and act genuinely concerned.  He will appear concerned to see that I'm crying-- as though he is shocked that I am crying. He will make me feel like I'm certifiably crazy because of how starkly different our reactions are.  And in time, I will wonder if I'm crazy.  I will wonder why he is responding like nothing has happened when he just got caught cheating. I will wonder how he suddenly became a different person from 2 minutes/hours or even 1 day ago.  As he embraces me, I will feel complete and utter confusion and I will wonder if I'm making it a bigger deal that it is.  I will wonder if I'm too petty, and if my reaction is too dramatic.  I will question why if I should even be angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, and confused.  I will re-consider if my reaction is actually legitimate, or if I am the strange one, and I should act so care-free, like him.

B. has done that to me a countless number of times.  Countless.  I am not exaggerating.  This happened so so so so much. That is why I fear him coming near me.  That is why when he smiles at me, asks me what's wrong, ask me how it's going, I freak the fuck out.  I seriously freak the fuck out in my head because it's happening again. He is manipulating with my identity, my feelings, my instincts, all over again. He is pulling me into his fantasy world and it is only a matter of minutes before I question everything I know.

In the 1-2 times that I've followed-through with my feelings, I will feel guilty afterwards. I will feel guilty for being in the same hurt/angry mode while he has already quickly switched into a lovey dovey/oblivious mode.  He will put on the most genuine look of confusion, although I have sometimes seen a shadow of reality sink in. From the outside looking-in, an observer would feel sad for him, that a woman is yelling, screaming, crying, and pushing him away while he looks concerned, loving, caring, and confused.  The scenario would look like a crazy girlfriend going ballistic while a patient, logical boyfriend is trying to understand and console her.

I remember when we went to 1 couples counseling session after I caught him cheating the 1st time.  Throughout the entire session, he repeated one phrase and did not say anything other than that.  His reaction to everything was: "... but i love her." He blocked out the reality of my pain and wanted to use that statement to make me forget all the pain and agony that I felt.

Me: Why would you do this?
Him: I love you.
Me: I don't understand! How could you? Why lie to me?
Him: But I love you.
Me: How can I trust you again?
Him: You have to. You just have to. I'm sorry. I love you.
Me: Just tell me what happened.
Him: I love you. I love you. I love just you.


In his world of inflicting pain (and having no consequences), I end up feeling crazy and mean and spiteful.  I end up feeling like I am crazy and he is normal.  I end up feeling like I am the problem, not him. And I end up feeling like I am the one hurting him, not the other way around.

That is the sick guilt that I felt from our relationship. Because he ran into fantasy world, I would feel guilty for being in reality.  I would feel guilty that I was so hurt and wanted answers. I felt guilty for thinking I hurt him, for thinking I confused him, for thinking I deserved an explanation. Both he and I gave myself this guilt.  And I am just as responsible for taking it on, and for letting him get away while I drowned myself in the pain AND the self-imposed guilt.

Confrontation

I actually ran-into B. in the parking lot today.  I choose to believe it was an accidental encounter, although I wouldn't be that surprised if he had planned it.

I stood in shock and exasperation as he started laughing and saying what a coincidence it was. He laughed for a long time. As he laughed and commented on seeing my car and also parking 2 spaces away from my car, I looked up at the sky and said to myself, "ugh, I must be cursed." When I asked what he wanted from me, he said it was a coincidental run-in and completely unplanned. He asserted that he didn't even call me! And then he laughed some more. I coldly told him to "keep it that way" and started shuffling my feet to prepare to leave. In seconds, he was within arm's reach attempting to give me a huge hug.  I quickly jumped back and stuck my hand out to maintain the distance between us. As seriously I could, I enunciated every word: "Do. not. touch. me. " He laughed as though I said a joke and he looked confused. True to my understanding of him, he acted like we were long-lost friends and asked me how I'm doing. He didn't take "fine" for an answer. He kept asking me, "really? really?" as though I couldn't possibly be fine.  When I asked him what he wanted from me, he repeated that he wanted nothing because we were actually running into each other by accident in the parking lot. Our encounter probably lasted less than 2 minutes but it felt like much longer. I know that within that time, he tried again to hug me.  And again, I moved quickly and asserted that I did not want him even near me, much less touch me. I don't remember what happened in the end, just that I said goodbye and left.  I know he kept talking.  I know he said things like "take care" or blah blah blah but I couldn't bother to listen.  I just needed out, away. I just wanted him to be far far away.  As I walked and heard his voice in the distance, I felt scared but also liberated. This is it, right?  This has to be the last encounter, right? I'm making it crystal clear, aren't I? He won't follow me because he's finally getting it, right?

For some reason, I don't think I'm in the clear yet. I still have 1 more day before he supposedly leaves my state/city/workplace. At any given time, I fear he will show up. I fear he will corner me. I fear he will touch me and impose himself on me. When I think about what I'm most scared of, I think about that feeling of being trapped, stuck, dirty, and helpless. After our encounter today, I also realize that I fear exactly what I feel now: empathy, pity, and even guilt.

Following our confrontation, I had meeting-after-meeting-after meeting. I had such a headache that I took the afternoon off and returned home for a nap. I was just so tired. So frickin' tired and so avoidant of my feelings. I've spent the entire afternoon wondering if I was too mean. Wondering if I hurt his feelings. Wondering if he feels ambushed by my coldness and if I was uncharacteristically cruel.

The logical side of me knows I had to be clear, consistent, and cold. I want nothing to do with him, and every inch I give him will become part of what he takes from me.  B. does not take no for answer. He can smell weakness and he knows how to take advantage of when a woman softens. Being the professional womanizer that he is, I know that being cruel is the only way for this to work. But in my heart-of-hearts, I also hate that I've had to change myself to respond to somoene. I hate having to be so out-of-character, so angry, so hurt, so sad, and so weak that I have to be mean instead of be peaceful from within.

Today, I am far from feeling peaceful. I feel disappointed, sad, and a little hopeless. I feel like all these weeks and even month(s) of growth were pointless.  I don't even know if I ever moved forward.  I feel enveloped in sadness and I am feeling so vividly, that angst I felt when I was with him.  It is a mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, guilt, all mixed together and sapping every little bit of my identity and motivation. I am in it, once again.  I feel like I am drowning once again.  I just want to crawl into my covers once again.

Nightmare come true

My nightmare came true yesterday. What I feared most actually happened.

B. came back into my life.

As I parked my car at school yesterday, my good friend Connie called and whispered a bunch of things I couldn't understand over the phone.  The only thing that made sense was, "where are you? where are you now?"  It turns out, she was standing outside of my office door, spying on B. who was walking up and down the hall waiting for me and knocking on my door.

I bolted as soon as I heard this news and didn't even stop to grab my jacket, my purse, or even the change that I needed to plug the parking meter.  I just started walking toward the building hoping to disappear somewhere.  At that precise moment of course, the door opens and who do you think is standing there headed straight toward me?

As soon as we make eye contact, I turn and walk in the opposite direction as fast as possible. I walk to another building and quickly run into the women's bathroom. Connie is on the phone now and she is on the heels of B., telling me that he is waiting outside the women's bathroom. Hearing this gives me even more chills and I quickly close myself behind a stall and wait in fear. When the bathroom door opens and I hear sounds of shuffled footsteps, I hold my breath and close my eyes.  Fortunately, it is Connie, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. My knees are shaking, my hands are shaking, my heart is beating rapidly, and I feel trapped. He knows I'm in here. He knows where my car is.  He knows where my office is. He knows where my apartment is.  I am stuck, I am stuck, I am stuck.  I also have a meeting in 5 minutes and I don't know what to do. Why I am hiding in the bathroom and how will I get out, unnoticed? Connie asks me what I need from her. She wonders if she should go out first? She wonders if we should call the police? She wonders if I should just stay in the bathroom for as long as I possibly can.

I say no to all of the options and ask her to walk me to my next few destinations. First, to my car, where I must retrieve my items. Then to the office downstairs where I have to conduct an evaluation. I know I can't run too far, too long, and at some point, there will probably be a confrontation. At least knowing he's here takes the surprise element away so I can prepare... later.  For now, I have a meeting and I have to go. I have to go because I have professional responsibilities. I have to walk out, even if I just want to cower in fear and close my eyes and wish him away. The best thing is for Connie to accompany me because I cannot deal with a confrontation now. I do not have the time and I am not in the frame of mind. Maybe after the evaluation. Maybe after his existence sinks in.

We open the bathroom door and we walk out.  B. does not appear to be out there.  We go to the car and surprisingly, B. is not near the car either. Whew. Finally, we head to my office and just as I am about to make it to the clinic, the doorway on the other end of the hallway opens and there he is. At the same time, the side door opens and my advisor comes out and greets us. B. also looks at my advisor and greets him-- which is both strange and uncomfortable because my advisor does not know who he is. Everyone just freezes. We all stand there, the 4 of us, unmoving for a second.  Connie comes to her senses and asks me to unlock a door for her. It's a great excuse and one that buys me some time. I quickly do so and then walk away with my advisor. All the while B. looks at me from just a few steps away, waiting to see what my response is. The whole time, I act like like he's not there. Connie buffers our contact, standing right in front of me until I walk into the clinic.

Once I get into the clinic, my advisor asks me who B. is. My advisor felt the uncomfortable tension in the hallway and finds me looking unlike myself. I open my mouth to speak but the evaluation is about to begin and two of my colleagues are already waiting for us. I don't know how the next 30 minutes happened because I can't remember a thing. My mind is a blur. I don't even know if I made sense.

Afterwards, I visit Connie near my office for a brainstorming session of what to do. I'm still in shock and I'm afraid to go anywhere that I can be alone. Connie calls our campus police, posing hypothetical scenarios about what-to-do-if-your-ex-won't-leave-you-alone.  I'm still in shock and still in denial. I want him out of my life and as far away from me as possible. I don't know why he is here and what he wants from me. This is my biggest fear come true, and here it is, surrounding me, haunting me, following me.

Being alone.

Can't sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am.  Monday thru Friday, I am dying to sleep just a few more minutes after my alarm goes. But now look! On this bright and early Saturday morning, I find myself unable to sleep past 530am. UGH.

As I sit alone in my living room, I reflect again on my alone-ness and how spiritual this experience is for me.  When driving home last night, I found myself reflecting about my current lifestyle and how it's been healing me because I don't have to constantly keep taking care of others.

In the past few months, being alone has felt incredibly empowering. In almost all relationships, I feel the responsibility to take care of the other person.  Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even an acquaintance, I think about their needs/wants/desires/preferences. Especially in a romantic relationship, their stuff always trumps my own.  This is why I feel so empowered these days to eat what I want, do what I want, and stick to a schedule that fits me without having to consider another person.

I've also realized that my responsibility toward others is not just toward human life.  When I'm working at home, I think about Mr. Z and what he wants.  I'm distracted by his needs and so I struggle with getting my work done.  In the past week, I've spent entire mornings at the coffee shop so I can do my work without having him there.  Leaving him has felt pretty selfish, but I've also been working my way up to leaving and not feeling guilty about having activities outside-of-the-house.  Before having a dog, I used to be home very very rarely.  Other than cook, eat, sleep, and watch some TV, I was never really here.  But now that I have a dog, I spend as much time here as possible, even moving my social activities into my home so that I stay with Mr. Z.  In many ways, I am happier (see earlier post on my emotional, physical, and spiritual growth because of Mr. Z).  At the same time, however, I feel a decrease in productivity because I do feel anchored to my home.

Why is it that I can only focus on myself when I am completely and utterly alone?  Why can't I do it with someone else in the room or in my space? Why do I always prioritize others before myself?

The 2 places that allow me to focus on me is: 1) airplane/airport and 2) coffee shop.  Let me elaborate: when travelling, I have long enjoyed the fact that I can stick on my earphones and tune out the world altogether.  I can choose to make zero eye contact and I can focus completely and utterly on my thoughts, my getaway, my destination, and my plans. It's completely socially appropriate and acceptable.  In fact, it's the norm that most people don't talk to each other during those journeys.  Because I tend to fly at least once a month, I also look forward to it as an empowering experience between high up in the air, removed from everything and everyone.  You are simply alone and you cannot take care of others even if you wanted to.  I am alone from people, from things, from connections, from all sorts of responsibilities.  I would prefer not having the option of wi-fi in the sky simply because that's the one and only place that allows me to get away from it all.

As for the coffee shop, I also feel it is an "alone" experience because I sit alone in my own table.  My space is that table, and with the table being open, I am (happily) alone.  Having studied before with other people, I enjoy the social aspect but am also distracted by their needs as well.  Are they tired of studying? Am I talking too much/little? Do they seem like they are antsy to get out of there? etc. etc.  Yesterday, while sitting at a local coffee shop, I saw a couple study together at the table next to me.  I felt a stab in my heart and was reminded of my studying days with B.  That was probably what our life most resembled: study dates together because we commiserated over our doctoral work and enjoyed/needed to do work all the time.  And yes, on the one hand, it was great because it was both productive and semi-romantic at the same time.  On the other hand, I hated studying with him because he would stay for hours and hours while I got colder and hungrier at the coffee shops.  I also hated going with him because he would often make me leave early to drive him around to other places.  But the chauffeuring part is another story altogether.  That's just one sad story of being taken advantaged of and letting myself be constantly taken advantaged of.  My point about the coffee shop is that I love going alone! And the more I think about it, I am so glad that I will never have to go to a coffee shop with B. again. Seeing that couple yesterday made my heart ache but it also made me feel nauseous.  I hate B. right now and want nothing closely related to him or what we did together.  Romance is out of the question, and so is studying with a romantic partner.  Seeing all these couples make me want to gag.

An ode to Mr. Z

I am grateful to Mr. Z for so many reasons. A few months ago, my friend Penny remarked that Mr. Z was the only one that actually saved me from my relationship with B.  No amount of help/advice from friends was enough to give me the final push to end it all.  Ultimately, it was Mr. Z that helped me get out of what was killing my soul, and making me feel like I had no will to move forward.  Mr. Z was the final reason that helped me to have the courage to finally break up.

What Penny may not know, however, is that ever since the breakup, Mr. Z continues to do so much for me. To begin, I've realized that I'm healthier because of him.  Emotionally, spiritually, physically... I'm healthier thanks to Mr. Z.

At the emotional level, I feel such unconditional love, loyalty, and support from him. He is so excited to see me all the time, and his kisses are so true, so authentic, and so in-the-moment. Mr. Z wants nothing more from me than just me.  He has no expectations for me, no judgment toward me, and no conditions linked to my self-worth.  He likes me for me.  More importantly, it's my energy he wants, and my smell that he wants, and all the things that I can't change and adapt. Mr. Z doesn't care if I gain weight, if I'm dressed like a bum, or if I'm in a foul mood. He likes me for who I am: just my being.

At the spiritual level, I find myself living life in a more grounded and present way. When we take walks, I am seriously detached from work and stress and focused on our walk. I actually breathe in the fresh air and smell the roses. I slow down immensely to enjoy what is happening all around me.  I hear the wind blowing, I feel the movement of the grass, I hear the birds chirping, and I revel in being part of nature. More than anything, I enjoy watching him zig zag around smelling all the things that our human noses can't detect. I wonder what he smells and what he's dragging me towards. I love imagining what he's thinking, what he's dreaming, and what he loves, and what motivates him. When I am spending quality time with him, I'm completely removed from technology. I don't walk with my cell phone, I don't watch TV when playing with him, I don't work on the computer when brushing his hair.  It's just us and our energies together!

Last but not least, is the physical health that he brings me. The most tangible evidence is that I walk 100X more than I did before.  Each day, we take walks outside: in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bedtime.  No matter how cold or hot it is, we walk, whether it is for 15 minutes or sometimes up to 2 hours! The point is, Mr. Z makes me move my body in ways other than being hunched over my computer!  Diet-wise, I've also changed significantly because of Mr. Z.  My journey to Paleo is partly inspired by Mr. Z.  Even before adopting him, I did a lot of research on dog foods and what's best for him. I learned that the fewer the by-products, the better the quality.  I learned that processed foods is also bad for dogs, and that products like soy and corn are terrible for their health. On a weekly basis, I spend a lot of money on Mr. Z's foods.  I choose the best because I select items with the least amount of ingredients.  One of my favorite snacks for him is a duck and sweet potato cookie.  It is part of the "Limited ingredient" items and contains exactly what it should: duck and sweet potato!  When I began to re-evaluate my food options while working out, I've also realized that I should be a little more picky with my diet, like eliminate soy and corn!  And funnily enough, that's exactly what Paleo emphasizes!  Eat whole, unprocessed foods!  Eat organic foods! Eat simple foods! Eat like how I feed my dog?

Now why didn't I think to treat myself in the same way that I treat Mr. Z?

Hence... my quick switch to Paleo these days, and my motivation to eat simple, unprocessed, and organic.  I treat my dog so well and want him to be so healthy!  Why don't I do the same for me?  Also, when the weather gets really bad here, I also put him on the treadmill for 15 minutes a day.  Seeing how I value his daily exercise, I've also wondered why I don't prioritize my health and fitness!  Hence, the extra motivation these days for me to sign up for fitness classes and to schedule routine work-outs at the gym.

If I compared my lifestyle now to my lifestyle last year (pre, during, and after my breakup with B), the change would be substantial. Dramatic. Life-changing.  Last year this time, I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life.  I was heartbroken, anxious, scared, and completely and utterly alone in my shame and my unhealthy relationship.  I couldn't let go, I didn't know how to let go, and he wouldn't let me go. I detached myself from friends, I did no exercise whatsoever, and I ate very poorly.  My diet was so sad, pathetic, and painful for me.  I didn't eat what I want.  I didn't cook what I wanted. I had to cook for him, for us, and I had to make all these decisions based on what he preferred. I couldn't even have my own personal space to sit, reflect, or think-- because he would never leave me alone. His fears of being alone suffocated me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Yes, suffocating is the best word to describe the feelings he gave me.  In contrast to where I am today, where I am growing, thriving, and feeling myself recovering, I was in the complete opposite place just months ago: drowning, suffocating, and losing the will to even flail as I disappeared into the quicksand.

Thinking about all this brings back some pain, some heartache, and a lot of sadness.  I'm sorry I went through that. And I'm sorry I couldn't be where I am now.  But I'm also uber grateful for now, and uber grateful for the changes I've since made in my life. These days, my day-to-day life consists of joy, liberation, inspiration, and healthiness that Mr. Z gives to me. 

Thanks, Mr. Z.  This is my ode to you!

Taking care of others too much

A few days ago, I re-experienced feelings I had when I was with B. -- feelings of resentment, anger, feeling stuck, helpless, and also frustration towards him and myself.

It happened when a friend invited himself to cook at my place.  This friend, who I will call Will, messaged me out of the blue to say he wants to cook and is dying to learn some of my dishes. We had met 5 years ago at an event that I hosted, and we had struck up great conversation and had lots of laughs.  In truth, I don't know much about him or vice versa, but since he was so insistent on cooking together, I eventually said OK and then went shopping for all the groceries we would need for our weekend cook-fest.

Despite feeling stressed about all my schoolwork, I figured we'd spend about 3-4 hours cooking and eating together.  In the end, Will came and we cooked and we had a great time for about.. 5 hours. But then he stayed even after the dishes were cleared, after the dishes were washed, and after I packed him food to take home!  He invited himself to do his homework here.  And the whole time he talked on and on and on and on about his relationship woes and about what he wants with his life.

Don't me wrong, I love to hear what's happening with friends and to catch up. I love cooking too, and the combination of friends + food is usually heavenly for me!  But Will drained me.  Will's entire visit drained me. He didn't help much in the kitchen because he refused to touch raw meat. He didn't offer to help me with dishes (at least fake offer), and he invited himself to stay and ended up being in my place for 9 hours! I had to feed him dinner too, and when he left and took some food home, he didn't even say thanks.  That was the worst part.  He didn't even say thank you.

After Will left, I was infuriated with myself. I was so resentful and angry and frustrated-- all at myself.  Why was I such a good hostess even when I wanted him out of the house so that I could recharge by myself and do my work? Why did I continuously offer him more drinks and ask about his comfort when he was already overstaying his visit?  Why did I focus so much on his comfort rather than my own-- because I was damn well uncomfortable with him being here for SOOOOO long!

Those feelings are what I had with B., toward the end, the middle, and maybe even the beginning of the relationship.

I was NEVER fully comfortable with B.  He was always so picky, so nit-picky, so judgmental, so critical, so condescending, so insulting, so negative... I could never fully be comfortable because I was always wanting him to feel more content/comfortable/happy.  I always catered to his needs while feeling like I was walking on pins and needles myself.  Being with him was like holding my breath and continuously reminding myself: "Just do a good job, cater to his needs, and then when he leaves, then he'll be gone so you can focus on you!"  I always wanted a good ending; a good parting.  I wanted him to have an awesome experience so that when it's over, he will have positive memories.  I never considered myself in the equation-- my needs were on the back-burner... waiting until his needs are met and when he leaves-- that I can finally attend to myself.

The worst part of it all is the inconsistent and conflicting feelings I had inside and on the outside.  The more I resented him, the more I wanted out of the relationship, the more I realized how terrible he was as a human being... the more I catered to his needs.  As if I hadn't bent-over-backwards enough to begin with, I did it 10 times more once I realized how much I despised him in my heart.
The worse I felt on the inside, the more attentive I became to his needs.  Why? I don't know.  I have racked my head again and again and again, and I simply don't know.  All I can hypothesize is that I knew it would be over and I wanted a good ending.  I wanted some sort of harmony and positive memory before the chapter would end.

Also, I think I wanted to have no regrets.  I didn't want to walk away and wonder later if I could have tried harder.  I didn't want to regret not giving 100000% of myself at the end and wondering if it would have made a difference.

In this way, I suppose it makes sense that I ignore my needs and take care of others first. It's something I really want to work on and to eventually stop doing.  It's something I want to change because it's entirely unhealthy. I am split apart into 2 halves: both on extreme ends of the spectrum and both equally intense.  That inconsistency is not healthy and I want to have congruency.  I want my inside (feelings) to match my outside (expression/behavior). That's healthy.  That's wholesome.

Working out

I have been working out routinely for the past 3 weeks! Going to the gym, taking bootcamp courses, hiring a private instructor... this is all new for me!  In the past, I have hated working out.  I have avoided it at all costs, and I have had very very good reasons to!  My congenital health issues have made it hard to work out.  But having undergone surgery 10 years ago, I've since been able to do anything others can do.  I just... don't know how to do them.  Don't know how to use muscles that I haven't used before!

My decision to work out this time-- very proactively might I add -- is because I want to improve my relationship with myself.  I want to invest time, energy, resources, and hope in myself.  For so long, I've neglected myself, including what makes my body feel good, and what makes me feel good and healthy.  I am seeking out exercise for this reason, and this reason only.

What a stark contrast that is to my past goals!  Before, if/when I ever worked out, it would be for unrealistic goals of looking like a pageant queen in 4 weeks.  I worked out so that I could be skinnier, less chubby, more pretty, more attractive.  I motivated myself by thinking of the gym as a place of punishment: you are fat, you must burn it off.  I was extreme in my behaviors, and even worse, I placed unrealistic expectations toward the final outcome.  After 1 workout, I would want to see results.  I would expect to lose weight, or feel like my clothes are looser, or I would hope others would comment on me being smaller.  None of that happened by the way.  I would also be very restrictive in my eating, and eventually, when I didn't see results, I would give it all up and start binge-eating!  I'd eat everything I want without any control. Now that's extreme.

Which is why this time around, my whole workout journey/adventure is completely different. This time, I'm working out to reward myself, to focus on myself, to pay attention to my own needs (rather than someone else's).  I am carving time out of my schedule for me.  I am also making meals specifically for me. I don't have to compromise, sacrifice, or build up any resentment because of someone else.  I can eat what I want, work out when I want, and sleep whenever I want. It's absolutely wonderful and already, I feel health(ier), happ(ier), more hope-filled and more at peace than I have ever felt before.

My feelings of content are so strong these days.  It is probably because my lifestyle is SO different from when I was with B.  I no longer have to sleep very late because of him and his irregular sleep cycle. I also don't have to binge-eat large meals and then skip meals because he has strange eating habits that I can surely describe as disordered eating.  The content of my meals are also healthier! I can eat garlic, I can make things with tomatoes (which he hated), I can cut down on carbs and just eat protein (he wants rice with his meals when we make curry), and I can also decide what I want to do and when I want to do it without him being whiny, judgmental, or condescending.  That's been a very liberating change.  In the past, if I were to do fun things without him, B. would punish me afterwards by being mean, emotionally unpredictable, and even at times being purposefully provoking.  I distinctly remember when I left town to visit family during Winter Vacation last year.  I had spent a lot of time preparing for our family yard sale, and when I told him all about it, he had said, "Work? You work? You don't work, you're lazy."  We had a humongous fight over his insulting words, and he later confessed that he was upset that I was having fun with family while he was alone and doing his work.  Can you imagine anyone else more selfish? Keep in mind that when I left town, I invited him home with me and he chose not to come.  Furthermore, when I asked if he would miss me (because of course I would miss him), he said "No, I'll be too busy working because I have so much to get done."

Yeaaaaah OK. You're busy. You work hard. And everyone else bum around and do nothing. Enjoy your fantasy world and continue to torture yourself while we live happy, well-balanced lives.

In retrospect, I am soo happy to be single. I am so happy to be OUT of that relationship with B., and OUT of the dysfunction that he creates for himself.  GOOD RIDDANCE TO HIM and GOOD RIDDANCE to all his baggage as well. Yesterday was Valentine's day, and I can honestly say that it was one of the best days ever because I was very aware of how happy and content I felt being on my own and feeling liberated, empowered, and striving to be even more healthy and peaceful.

I'm continuing my goals to work on me and to improve my relationship with myself! Go, me!

Compassion

If I've gained anything from my relationship with B., it would be compassion.  Compassion toward others who are in unhealthy relationships, compassion for those who isolate, hide, and have shame in themselves, and in general, compassion for people who make decisions that aren't good for them.

I didn't have that compassion before.

I didn't have it for others because I could not understand the feelings they were experiencing, the internal conflict they were facing, and the indecisiveness.

I have memories of clients talking about infidelities and vowing to leave their abusive partners time and time again.  I remember feeling frustrated when they would return each week, disclosing how horrific their partners were and then doing nothing about it.  For me, it was frustrating and incomprehensible.  I used to think to myself:

  "We just spent 50 minutes talking about the awful things he has done to you.  Why isn't that enough motivation for you to leave?"

I felt sorry for my clients, sure.
I felt allied with my clients.
I felt frustrated for my clients and sometimes I felt like I knew exactly how they were feeling.

Unfortunately, I could not sustain that feeling for long because at some point, I would feel frustrated toward them. I'd feel annoyed that they weren't leaving. I mean, after so many sessions, they are still doing the same thing in their lives and not making any changes in their relationships. Looking back, no matter how much I wanted to help them, I think I lacked an understanding of what it is truly like to be in their shoes.

Today, I have newfound compassion; and it is still a process for me.  This compassion is not so much about other people, but more towards me, and then in turn, for others. Especially towards others, I find myself being less judgmental, less surprised about the choices they make, and more able to put myself in their shoes without thinking:

 "If it were me, I would probably do ____ (instead)." 

Instead, I am more able to accept people as they are without immediately thinking about how they can be better. I am more compassionate with others because I am (and still striving) to be more compassionate with myself. I am trying to be more understanding of why I dated B. to begin with, how I stayed for so long with him, and how I was able to give up everything I loved and believed in (e.g., friends, foods, my own values!) to be with him. I am trying to accept myself for all that I am: I am someone who is more ashamed than I would to be.  I am more judgmental than I'd like to be.  I am less accepting of myself than I thought I would be.  I'm trying and sometimes it's hard.  It's hard not to criticize myself endlessly for the bad decisions I have made.  It's hard to accept that when facing struggles, I can successfully deny reality and avoid problems until they are so big they swallow me whole.  It's hard to realize that my coping mechanisms aren't working and that I tend to emotionally eat.  It's hard to admit that I am sometimes lonely and feel incompetent and unworthy.

With all that said, realizing these parts of me-- even though they are parts I hate -- have helped me become more accepting of me.  At least I will admit these are problems that I have.  At least, I am open to accepting flaws in me rather than denying them altogether.  And by recognizing my flaws, I am also more able to accept others without judgment, and without wanting to "fix" them.  This compassion for others reminds me to be able to do the same for myself: Sit with myself, learn about myself, accept myself, and not necessarily do anything in the moment.  Just be.  Don't fix, just be.  At least for now.

Unexpected encounter/confrontation

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with friends-- some new and some old.  It was a small and intimidate dinner party and as we cleared the dishes, the boys headed straight to the TV while the girls hung around in the dining room talking and catching up.  As we talked, the topic of B. emerged.  Now, I have not been avoiding this topic recently. However, I have been avoiding one person in particular.

My friend/acquaintance Nicki is someone who actually warned me about B. when he and I first started dating.  About 6 months into the relationship, I had hosted a huge event and had introduced them to one another.  Afterwards, Nicki had come up to me to ask about the status of our relationship and to tell me that she knew him and his relationship with his ex-girlfriend.  She told me a lot of things that, at the time, seemed preposterous.  She talked about how much of a cheater he was.  She talked about seeing him flirt with other girls while he was with his ex-girlfriend.  She told me that he actually flirted with his ex-girlfriend's sister!  She told me a lot actually, and she was apologetic but very honest about it.  Nevertheless, as much as she said, I just couldn't wrap my head around it all. She said things that seemed impossible in real life (a soap opera maybe). Things that would make my stomach sick if it were to really happen to me. Things I couldn't imagine happening to anyone, much less myself.

Well, that feeling of being sick-to-my-stomach is now something I am experienced with.  I should have listened to her warnings.  Well, I did listen, but I decided to give B. the benefit of the doubt.  At the time, I persistently told Nicki that it couldn't be who B. is now. Maybe that was him before and maybe that was his dynamic with his ex-girlfriend (a girl who Nicki also said was a serial cheater!).  I told her that with B., I felt so loved and adored and wanted.  When we were together, he made me feel like no one else in the world existed.  I said that his passion for me was so clear, so salient, I couldn't possibly imagine him having any additional energy or time with anyone else other than me.  I couldn't even envision him giving anyone else that kind of intensity that he gave me.

About a year ago, probably around this time-- after I had found out the B. cheated on me and then forgiven him, I ran into Nicki again.  I'd been avoiding her, actually, and when she saw me, her first question was whether we were together. I felt so ashamed in so many ways.  I felt ashamed because:
1) I should have listened to her because everything she said came true.
2) I should have broken-up with him knowing now that he was a cheater
3) I should definitely be broken-up with him because he has now cheated on me.
4) I am still with him and I can't explain it to anyone else.  I don't even understand it myself.

So I dodged her questions and tried to avoid her altogether after that.  I didn't reach out to socialize.  I declined invitations. I was a no-show to general public outings that might have included her.  Simply put, I disappeared in all of my social circles during the last year of my relationship with B.

Around the time that B. and I broke up over the summer, I attended his graduation and I saw Nicki again.  It was both awkward and embarassing for me.  The look on her face made me feel so ashamed and so cheap.  I was there attending B.'s graduation ceremony too, and she could not believe we were together.  By then I was already so miserable.  It was during the month of May and I was already mentally checked-out, exhausted, and waiting for the final straw to break me.  I wanted to disappear into a hole because of how uncomfortable I felt.  Because it was during graduation, people surrounded us and herded us to take pictures.  Nicki-- and God bless her for her honesty-- flat out said to me (in a different language), "No. I do not want to take a picture with him.  I refuse and I won't do it. I want a picture with you, but not him. I will not take any photos with him in it." So of course, we quickly posed to get our shots, I expressed my congratulations to her and gave an excuse to skip the after-party... and then I fled the scene.

So now, here we are at this intimate dinner gathering and of course, the topic of dating comes up.  I'm telling some new girls that I'm recently single, and I'm trying to casually explain that we broke up because of cheating.  Nicki, of course, interrupts me to clarify if it's B. I'm talking about, and then to express her relief that we are finally over. She wants to know if it was because of cheating. She wants to know if her perceptions of him are as true as they were before.

It felt brutal, that conversation with Nicki.  I did not want to have that conversation there.  I did not want to share the details of my breakup there. And I did not want to confirm that everything she said was true. It's been hard enough to acknowledge that to myself.  It's even harder to do that with the person who actually warned you! The worst part was that I didn't want to do it there. Please, not there.  Not in front of new people, not in such a public setting, and not when I feel so vulnerable and raw and with no place to hide. This was not the kind of "let's get to know you" kind of conversation to have with acquaintances nearby too.  But there it was, out in the open.  And there I was, exposed.

Safe to say, it was very humiliating for me to talk about it, and even more humiliating when Nicki told all the girls what she knew about him from his previous relationship.  She added more details this time  which made it even more difficult to sit with.  She actually added a lot of information that I hadn't known before.  Details that were probably too graphic for me to hear, and that made me want to wretch. On the plus side, I'm glad she skipped the details when she told me the first time around-- I'm sure it was because she didn't want to freak me out.  On the negative side, however, I felt even dirtier and more ashamed than ever before. I wish she hadn't done it in that setting.  And part of me wishes she wouldn't give me the gory details.

But then she gave me another piece of information that I did not know before. Nicki told me that when we had that conversation years ago, when B. and I had just started dating and were in our honeymoon period, she had already seen him flirting with other girls. She had seen him flirting with other people already WHILE we were together.  This reality was not in the ex-girlfriend era.  It was in the present (when she told me what she knew). But she didn't want to tell me that then, so she had told me about other examples from his past to let me know about the type of person he was/is.  And silly me, here I was thinking, "oh, but that's his ex-girlfriend and she was psycho too! They have a different dynamic, it won't be like that with me!" So it was shocking to hear that in our relationship, as early as 6 months, he was cheating.  6 months-- when we, no, I was knee-deep in infatuation, he was already cheating.

I'm sick to my stomach again and I feel like I can take 20 showers and still feel dirty.

Disgust

I feel disgusted by B.
Having been broken-up for exactly 7 months (as of yesterday-- wow!), I don't understand why he keeps trying to be connected with me.  In as many social networking sites as possible, he's been showing up in my email inbox, with headings that say "_____ wants to be in your circle!"  Whether it's a professional networking site or just a personal group, like google plus, he's been adamant about pushing his way in.  Much like before, he is not taking "no" for an answer and he is imposing himself into my life, my space.

This feeling is similar to that of being... raped.  I don't mean to offend anyone who actually has been a survivor and a victim of physical rape.  But I feel so invaded, so powerless, so targeted, and so disgusted.  I feel disgusted at him and at myself for having been with him and continuing to be something he wants in his life.

This time around, I am different. I will not succumb to him because he wants it.  In the past, when I have said "no no no no no", he had ignored me altogether and continued to do what pleases him. When I have said "let's break up", he will act like I never said it and come back the next day all smiles.  When I have caught him cheating with other women, he will also act like it never happened.  When we have gotten into huge blow-out fights, he will ask me 1) if I'm upset and 2) what is wrong? -- because he hasn't got a clue as to why I'm not super happy.  That's the manipulative thing about B.  Does he really not know?  Or does he feign not-knowing so he can masquerade happiness in his own life-- and impose that fakeness into mine?

In truth, I tried to break up with him several times before officially cutting ties 7 months ago.  In most of the times that we got back together-- it wasn't necessarily because I wanted to be together.  It was because he wouldn't let go of me, and he wouldn't let me live my life until he was back in it.  I felt so stuck. I felt so so trapped.  My "no"s have never meant anything to him, and I feel a familiar sense of sickness in my stomach when he does the same thing today--- except in cyberspace.

My greatest fear is that he will show up at my door one day.  He will have a genuine, heartfelt smile plastered on his face, and he will run up to me arms wide open being ever so happy to see me.  He will want to touch, hug, and tell me how great it is to see me.  I know with 100000% certainty he will act like nothing has happened and that I haven't been so severely damaged by him and our ex-relationship.  And as for my emotional responses?  I will freeze.  I will want to squeeze into myself so that I am not touched by him. I will feel dirty and disgusted by him.  I will also feel invalidated for all the heartache and resentment I've experienced throughout the relationship-- because his avoidance of it will be his way of saying that my pain didn't happen.  His avoidance altogether is his way of erasing a history that has been so salient during the past 2 years of my life.

The thought of this scenario makes my skin crawl.  As I am typing, my stomach is tightening up and my heart is pounding faster and louder. I feel an intense warmth spreading throughout my abdomen-- a very powerful sense of... anger, maybe? frustration?  Nono, it's anger alright.  I want to shove him far far away from me, whether it's in cyberspace or in real life.  I want to never see him again, never hear him again, never have to co-exist in the same place as him.  My anger has come alive, after 2 years of being with a womanizer.  My anger, as of recently, is finally here.