Being taken care of

I celebrated an entire day of festivities with my friends and Jay yesterday.  I've never partied with a boyfriend before. In fact, it's amazing not to date an alcoholic (ahem, B.). There was no need to worry about anyone engaging in self-destructive or other-destructive behaviors. In fact, I was able to let-down my guard to have a good time. I even let myself get a little tipsy and allowed him to take care of me!

Jay took care of me in so many ways that I felt warm and fuzzy:

1. He let me wear his raincoat all day even though he must have been cold in his measly little windbreaker in almost-freezing temperature.
2. He zipped me in-and-out of his raincoat whenever the temperature changed.
3. We shared drinks and he held hold our beverage the whole time because my hands were cold and he was wearing gloves.
4. He let me run around, jump up & down-- all the while watching from behind and being a secure base for me to return toward.
5. He also got some great throws from the celebration and gave me all his goodies!
6. Towards the end of the night, when we progressively drank more, he held onto me to make sure I wouldn't fall.
7. He drove in from one hour away to party with us; and then drove home almost 18 hours later by his lonesome.
8. He paid for dinner, as he always does.

It was so hard to say goodbye to Jay at the end of the night-- especially knowing he would be driving alone for the next hour while I had my group of friends for company. When we drove to drop him off at his car, I leaned over, kissed him, and told him those 3 little words again. He responded with "I love you too" before planting a kiss on my lips and then thanking my pals for the drop-off. When he climbed out of the car, I figured he'd give one final wave to me before walking off.  Instead, he leaned in for a goodbye kiss, after which he returned to say: "just one more kiss" before his lips claimed mine again. My heart fluttered and melted at the same time, and I metaphorically felt like putty in his hands.

As we headed back home, I fell asleep throughout the 1.5 hour drive back, feeling enveloped in love, affection, and being taken care of. I was so content, warm, and fuzzy, and I thought to myself, "I have the best boyfriend in the entire world." I can't believe I'll be meeting his parents this upcoming weekend and I'm so excited to see where he came from and the people who made him so special!

Am I in a long-distance relationship?

The distance between me and Jay is approximately 123 miles.

The commute is a 2 hour and 35 minute drive.

Last weekend, when we met some people learned about this distance between us, they said to him: "Oh! So you're just her friend, not boyfriend." He shook his head and explained his role and that we generally see each other weekly. Still, they exclaimed, "No, you're just friends, then!"


I don't get it. What does the distance change? Apparently, everything.


In the 4 months that Jay and I have been dating, he drives to me on a weekly basis. Usually, he gets in around dinnertime on Friday and leaves sometime Sunday morning.  When he hasn't been able to come on Fridays, he will drive in Saturday and then leave early Monday morning.

This weekend, he would like me to go to him. In fact, he has requested that I attend a party-planning event to spend time with his friends. We are planning a party and hanging out-- in preparation for an actual humongous party next weekend.

• Part of me swoons with the idea of going to him. I am excited to see his group, his people, and be in his life.
• Another part of me needs a break from these weekend dates because I can never get any work done when we are together!

Am I currently in a long-distance relationship?

If I say NO to the one request he's ever asked of me, am I being a selfish bitch? By saying NO this time, will he think that I won't drive to him because I expect him to always come to me? That is absolutely NOT true but will he assume that?

If I say YES to this weekend escapade, will I be distracted and eventually resentful of my decision. Willl I be true to myself and my needs?  Will I be honoring my relationship with myself: a goal that I've been working toward throughout these last few years? By saying YES, am I giving up pieces of me for someone else (again)?

There is no right or wrong answer here, but being in a long-distance relationship would affect my ultimate decision.

I looked up some blogs today, hoping to read about long-distance relationships, but most of what I found detailed international long-distance relationships. As I read those, I wondered if mine constitutes long-distance. Originally, I would have said no, but others insist that it is! There is no ocean to cross here. No time zone change, and no need for currency exchange. Somehow, knowing all that makes it even more confusing to me.

Being alone.

Can't sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am.  Monday thru Friday, I am dying to sleep just a few more minutes after my alarm goes. But now look! On this bright and early Saturday morning, I find myself unable to sleep past 530am. UGH.

As I sit alone in my living room, I reflect again on my alone-ness and how spiritual this experience is for me.  When driving home last night, I found myself reflecting about my current lifestyle and how it's been healing me because I don't have to constantly keep taking care of others.

In the past few months, being alone has felt incredibly empowering. In almost all relationships, I feel the responsibility to take care of the other person.  Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even an acquaintance, I think about their needs/wants/desires/preferences. Especially in a romantic relationship, their stuff always trumps my own.  This is why I feel so empowered these days to eat what I want, do what I want, and stick to a schedule that fits me without having to consider another person.

I've also realized that my responsibility toward others is not just toward human life.  When I'm working at home, I think about Mr. Z and what he wants.  I'm distracted by his needs and so I struggle with getting my work done.  In the past week, I've spent entire mornings at the coffee shop so I can do my work without having him there.  Leaving him has felt pretty selfish, but I've also been working my way up to leaving and not feeling guilty about having activities outside-of-the-house.  Before having a dog, I used to be home very very rarely.  Other than cook, eat, sleep, and watch some TV, I was never really here.  But now that I have a dog, I spend as much time here as possible, even moving my social activities into my home so that I stay with Mr. Z.  In many ways, I am happier (see earlier post on my emotional, physical, and spiritual growth because of Mr. Z).  At the same time, however, I feel a decrease in productivity because I do feel anchored to my home.

Why is it that I can only focus on myself when I am completely and utterly alone?  Why can't I do it with someone else in the room or in my space? Why do I always prioritize others before myself?

The 2 places that allow me to focus on me is: 1) airplane/airport and 2) coffee shop.  Let me elaborate: when travelling, I have long enjoyed the fact that I can stick on my earphones and tune out the world altogether.  I can choose to make zero eye contact and I can focus completely and utterly on my thoughts, my getaway, my destination, and my plans. It's completely socially appropriate and acceptable.  In fact, it's the norm that most people don't talk to each other during those journeys.  Because I tend to fly at least once a month, I also look forward to it as an empowering experience between high up in the air, removed from everything and everyone.  You are simply alone and you cannot take care of others even if you wanted to.  I am alone from people, from things, from connections, from all sorts of responsibilities.  I would prefer not having the option of wi-fi in the sky simply because that's the one and only place that allows me to get away from it all.

As for the coffee shop, I also feel it is an "alone" experience because I sit alone in my own table.  My space is that table, and with the table being open, I am (happily) alone.  Having studied before with other people, I enjoy the social aspect but am also distracted by their needs as well.  Are they tired of studying? Am I talking too much/little? Do they seem like they are antsy to get out of there? etc. etc.  Yesterday, while sitting at a local coffee shop, I saw a couple study together at the table next to me.  I felt a stab in my heart and was reminded of my studying days with B.  That was probably what our life most resembled: study dates together because we commiserated over our doctoral work and enjoyed/needed to do work all the time.  And yes, on the one hand, it was great because it was both productive and semi-romantic at the same time.  On the other hand, I hated studying with him because he would stay for hours and hours while I got colder and hungrier at the coffee shops.  I also hated going with him because he would often make me leave early to drive him around to other places.  But the chauffeuring part is another story altogether.  That's just one sad story of being taken advantaged of and letting myself be constantly taken advantaged of.  My point about the coffee shop is that I love going alone! And the more I think about it, I am so glad that I will never have to go to a coffee shop with B. again. Seeing that couple yesterday made my heart ache but it also made me feel nauseous.  I hate B. right now and want nothing closely related to him or what we did together.  Romance is out of the question, and so is studying with a romantic partner.  Seeing all these couples make me want to gag.

Counting down

In less than 24 hours, I will know where my future holds!
Strangely enough, I am not anxious or nervous or freaked out... anymore. Yesterday, however, was a different story.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a nightmare about finding out my placement.  I dreamt that I got my first pick, but that I found out in a crowded university classroom (some sort of 101 class) with tons of students surrounding me, including my intern applicant cohort.  We filed into a classroom large enough to seat 300 and projected onto the wall, were the results of our placement.

In my dream, I was in immediate shock.  I read my name listed next to the #1 position and I was not sure if it was actually my name. As I walked to my seat in the crowded classroom, in a single file line, I found myself finally stopping, looking up, and being surrounded by people's voices, opinions, and emotions.  I didn't have time yet to figure out how I was feeling, but already, my cohort was asking me how I felt. On one side, they asked why I didn't look ecstatic.  On the other side, they asked if I was sad not to be placed in other sites.  My head swiveled back and forth to whoever was talking to me, all the while, I was frantic inside, not knowing how to present myself.

Should I look happy? Do I have a right to be sad? Especially because one of my good friends and cohort member also ranked the same place as #1, would it be completely disrespectful if I was anything less than over-the-moon?

I remember fighting back feelings of happiness and tears of joy at the same time.  I didn't know how to feel, but I felt pressured to fake some sort of overt expression to please the people around me.  It was a terrible feeling, a feeling of being stuck and incongruent, and I didn't know what to do. Then I woke up.

If I were to analyze my dream, it seems crystal clear to me, that my anxieties and fears are completely played out in this short scenario/dream/nightmare. I am so anxious of where I will be placed.  I do not know if I necessarily want to be at my #1 ranked place.  I still go back-and-forth wondering about my #2 site and questioning whether I should have ranked that as #1.  I feel uncomfortable knowing that when our results come out, my friend and I may face the uncomfortable reality of one of us being there, while the other is not.  What's the socially appropriate thing to do then?  The other major anxiety-factor is the night of festivities happening tomorrow night.  As it is, we have planned a dinner party with a bunch of people to celebrate "Match Day".  We are planning to eat at a very nice restaurant downtown, and then to head over to a bar/club that our friend/colleague owns, and to party it up for the remainder of the night.  Because the invitation is quite open, we are anticipating some 30+ People to come for the drinking and celebration after dinner. Some are friends, some are colleagues, some are friends and colleagues, and some are acquaintances from other interns who are applying.  Regardless of who is coming, the point is that so many people are coming and there is such a large audience to answer to.  What happens if I don't match, altogether?  I will have to explain that to some 30+ people.  And even if I match somewhere, how do I respond in-the-moment to some 30+ when I actually need time to process it myself first?  And because it's such a huge crowd, I'll have to repeat things over and over and over-- especially the bad news, should there be bad news.  For example, I may have to say 30 times that I didn't match, and then comfort them about the situation because it will surely be awkward and uncomfortable for them to hear as well.  Thinking about the possibility of this scenario exhausts me, and intensifies my anxiety ten-fold!

As I am writing, I also realize how much I worry about taking care of others!  I'm worried about maybe matching to my #1 site while my friend/colleague doesn't.  How will he feel then? What should I do then? How might I offer words of comfor then?

I am worried about not matching and having to explain to others and helping them understand the reality (as opposed to wondering how I will feel instead)!

I am concerned about how others will feel about internship and how others will judge me pending my match outcome. What will they think?

So, that's the analysis of my dream, and the open disclosure about all my anxieties, insecurities, fears, and burdens.

Hmm. I had been feeling perfectly optimistic at the beginning of this entry-- before I decided to talk about my dream!  Time to stop analyzing my dream!