Counting down

In less than 24 hours, I will know where my future holds!
Strangely enough, I am not anxious or nervous or freaked out... anymore. Yesterday, however, was a different story.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a nightmare about finding out my placement.  I dreamt that I got my first pick, but that I found out in a crowded university classroom (some sort of 101 class) with tons of students surrounding me, including my intern applicant cohort.  We filed into a classroom large enough to seat 300 and projected onto the wall, were the results of our placement.

In my dream, I was in immediate shock.  I read my name listed next to the #1 position and I was not sure if it was actually my name. As I walked to my seat in the crowded classroom, in a single file line, I found myself finally stopping, looking up, and being surrounded by people's voices, opinions, and emotions.  I didn't have time yet to figure out how I was feeling, but already, my cohort was asking me how I felt. On one side, they asked why I didn't look ecstatic.  On the other side, they asked if I was sad not to be placed in other sites.  My head swiveled back and forth to whoever was talking to me, all the while, I was frantic inside, not knowing how to present myself.

Should I look happy? Do I have a right to be sad? Especially because one of my good friends and cohort member also ranked the same place as #1, would it be completely disrespectful if I was anything less than over-the-moon?

I remember fighting back feelings of happiness and tears of joy at the same time.  I didn't know how to feel, but I felt pressured to fake some sort of overt expression to please the people around me.  It was a terrible feeling, a feeling of being stuck and incongruent, and I didn't know what to do. Then I woke up.

If I were to analyze my dream, it seems crystal clear to me, that my anxieties and fears are completely played out in this short scenario/dream/nightmare. I am so anxious of where I will be placed.  I do not know if I necessarily want to be at my #1 ranked place.  I still go back-and-forth wondering about my #2 site and questioning whether I should have ranked that as #1.  I feel uncomfortable knowing that when our results come out, my friend and I may face the uncomfortable reality of one of us being there, while the other is not.  What's the socially appropriate thing to do then?  The other major anxiety-factor is the night of festivities happening tomorrow night.  As it is, we have planned a dinner party with a bunch of people to celebrate "Match Day".  We are planning to eat at a very nice restaurant downtown, and then to head over to a bar/club that our friend/colleague owns, and to party it up for the remainder of the night.  Because the invitation is quite open, we are anticipating some 30+ People to come for the drinking and celebration after dinner. Some are friends, some are colleagues, some are friends and colleagues, and some are acquaintances from other interns who are applying.  Regardless of who is coming, the point is that so many people are coming and there is such a large audience to answer to.  What happens if I don't match, altogether?  I will have to explain that to some 30+ people.  And even if I match somewhere, how do I respond in-the-moment to some 30+ when I actually need time to process it myself first?  And because it's such a huge crowd, I'll have to repeat things over and over and over-- especially the bad news, should there be bad news.  For example, I may have to say 30 times that I didn't match, and then comfort them about the situation because it will surely be awkward and uncomfortable for them to hear as well.  Thinking about the possibility of this scenario exhausts me, and intensifies my anxiety ten-fold!

As I am writing, I also realize how much I worry about taking care of others!  I'm worried about maybe matching to my #1 site while my friend/colleague doesn't.  How will he feel then? What should I do then? How might I offer words of comfor then?

I am worried about not matching and having to explain to others and helping them understand the reality (as opposed to wondering how I will feel instead)!

I am concerned about how others will feel about internship and how others will judge me pending my match outcome. What will they think?

So, that's the analysis of my dream, and the open disclosure about all my anxieties, insecurities, fears, and burdens.

Hmm. I had been feeling perfectly optimistic at the beginning of this entry-- before I decided to talk about my dream!  Time to stop analyzing my dream!

Secrets, secrets, and more shame

I have 4 interviews scheduled within the next couple of weeks!

As exciting as this is, my anxiety is shooting straight through the roof. For the past few days, I've been preparing with friends and finding myself flustered, confused, incoherent, and overwhelmed.  I feel like an imposter.  This feels like imposter syndrome.  And I'm terrified of being caught.

My greatest fear is that my interviewer(s) will find out I'm empty inside.  They'll realize I'm a facade of knowledge and experience, and that I simply look good on paper, but not in-person.  I worry that they will see through me.  I feel scared, vulnerable, uncomfortable in my own skin, and terrified.  What if no one wants me? What if no one thinks I'm good enough? What if people find out that I am flawed-- not just flawed, period.  But flawed in all the places that matter the most?

When I couldn't answer a practice interview question about "4-5 interpersonal strengths", I realized that something was wrong.  Even if I am modest by nature, this question should not be so difficult that I stutter and umm and uhh through my way for 5 minutes without coming up with anything other than 2 points: 1) I'm good at making people feel comfortable and able to be vulnerable, and 2) I can relate to anyone.

Today, I finally realized what the major problem is.  I feel like I have a big secret to hide.  Wait, scratch that.  I have several big secrets to hide, and I don't know whether/how to hide them all. How can one be secretive and vulnerable at the same time?  How is it possible to be genuine but also hide parts of myself simultaneously?  The answer is that you can't! I can't! And that is why I have been unable to get-through my practice interviews without feeling emotionally overwhelmed and tongue-twisted.

What are these secrets of mine?  Well, they are my shame.  I am terrified that in all my answers, people will realize that I love too much, give too much, want too much of a fantasy, and therefore deny reality too much.  The thought of being seen-through horrifies me.  I have been feeling vulnerable as it is.  Now imagine being asked questions that tap into my strengths and weaknesses, my approaches to problem-solving, my outlook towards the process of change.  I fear that in my answers, people will read-through me to learn about who I am.  I am terrified that they might know that I just got out of a very unhealthy relationship.  I am so scared that they will actually know more about me to realize that I am flawed.  I worry that my answers will truthfully reflect my strengths and limitations: they will see that I am scarred and hurting, and that I have made decisions that have hurt me and my sense of self-worth and value.

And then what? What happens after I fail at hiding. What if they no longer respect me after they find out who I am? What if they then decide to ask about my bad-decision-making abilities?  What if they find out that I've betrayed my own values, beliefs and priorities before?  What if they judge me for my failed relationships in the past, and are impatient at my slowness to quickly "get myself together"? What will happen if they can see-through my answers and know about the "me" that I am working on so much?

I realize that I judge her harder than anyone possibly will.  I don't like her, the girl that I used to be.  The girl that was with B.  The person who stayed with him for so long and denied the truth of who he was.  I don't like that she gave up her friends for him,  gave up her foods for him, gave up her identity for him.  I don't really respect her and I don't have enough compassion for her.  I have more anger towards her and more impatience. I am working hard to grow away from her and to be different from her. I do NOT want to identify with her.  In turn, I do not want her to represent the person I want to be.

So in an interview setting, I don't want anyone to see her as part of me. I don't want her to be associated with me, much less part of my history and my identity. It's tough enough that I judge her, I don't want anyone else to judge her.

Finding you

I committed 6 years of my life to the current city and state that I live in, all in pursuit of my graduate degree and specialization.  Away from family and the comforts of friends and even region of country, I have been blessed to easily make new and good friends.  I didn't plan to make new friends.  I certainly didn't think that my friendships would get better or richer than the ones I grew up with.  But I do have people in my life who I have known for fewer years and who feel like family to me.  I just met them, bonded with them, grew with them, and that's it.

I'm in the midst of preparing my next career step and I'll be leaving this place that's been home for the past 6 years.  I don't worry about missing my friends or losing them or making new ones.  I feel quite secure in those relationships, and in the stability of those ties.  What does concern me, recently, is finding my future husband, and knowing that where I go next will influence me meeting him.

My friend from childhood recently emailed to say that she could care less about her love-life right now and that she is in hot pursuit of her career as a graphic designer/ artist / advertising specialist.  She just got out of a long-term relationship with a man who, interestingly enough, is also a womanizer.  What's worse is that he was married, and the biggest liar you can possibly imagine.  So it might have been her anger talking when she swore of men.  But then again, I think she's right when she said that meeting your partner shouldn't be something we fret over.  It's like... hitting puberty.  You don't know what exact moment it will happen, and you really can't plan when or how it will unfold, but it will.  It simply will happen... inevitably.

So, I remind myself of this statement during my job-search these days.  And I let myself look at positions in places that I am almost certain no one will want to go.  Definitely not where I imagine my future husband to be.

So, future husband, just so you know, I'm not going to try to find you anymore. Or put myself in locations that are convenient for you to see/meet.  I'm just gonna do my thing and if you come my way, then cool beans.  And if you don't, well then, I'm falling in love anyways and I'll have a wonderful marriage and amazing kids. It's gonna happen sometime. I just don't know yet, who.